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What are you waiting for?
Let's suppose you were able every night to dream any dream you wanted to dream, and that you could for example have the power within one night to dream 75 years of time, or any length of time you wanted to have. And you would naturally as you began on this adventure of dreams, you would fulfill all your wishes. You would have every kind of pleasure you could concieve. And after several nights of 75 years of total pleasure each, you would say "well, that was pretty great, but now lets umm, lets have a surprise." Lets have a dream which isn't under control. Where something is going to happen to me that I don't know what it's going to be. And you would dig that and come out of that and say "wow that was a close shave, wasn't it?" And then you would get more and more adventerous and you would make further and further gambles as to what you would dream, and finally you would dream where you are now. You would dream the dream of living the life that you are actually living today.
The sun was never bright to me. Never bright enough to open the draps to my mind but on a cloudy day with snow piled on the ground would have the curtains pulled and the show began. I'm my own puppet with strings attched to my own hands that drags his feet in the snow and all i want to know is who will be with me while i explore slow. There are vast regins of imagination so i feel like a kid and i want to know who wants to keep slow. Cause when you're a kid you're are fast but you understand everything slow. Imagination comes at you like the flips of shuffulings cards but you are slow in the snow. There are sooo many things to see out there but you are slow in the snow. I am my own puppet and my stage is ready. Time for the beginning act, shovel the snow very slow.
I had a dream last night...good thing i have this pad right next to me so when i wake up i can write down these crazies...(took me forever to write this and then copy it onto here)
Ever had the feeling someone was trying to tell you something in your dreams? Someone you know in real life. Don't you want to contact them?
Dream: I don't know where i was but i drove my old car up some stairs into a house my passenger was "Felix the cat's eyes." She looked at me when i saw her in my peripheral view but whenever i wanted to look at here eye to eye her eyes shifted like the cat clock on the wall. She is not as black and white as Felix the cat but she is the Betty Boop of my dreams. She acted as free as me but she was just as insecure as me except when she could keep her careless attitude around me. Ditto. You would have seen the blot she left on the dream, a color scheme of only black and white. Thanxxx. Then there was the car ride with familiar faces all to me and each other. There was not much to this car ride, we were driving at about 150 mph without steering the wheel. I would like to believe that it was a good friend of mine driving named "Bumble Bee" but it wasn't. Some other Douche bag was in the seat, worrying more about what was going on in the car then on the road. I saw people passing by riding on the roofs of their cars, in fact i think i recognized one of the people that had passed by. The car was dark and almost seemed as if we were hanging out in a room of a house if you didn't look out the windows and didn't pay attention to the wind rushing by. There were 5 of us (including me) that sat around watching each other watching, the spider watching all of the events unfold. There was the Envy, the Beautiful, the Socially Recluse, the Arrogant, and the me (hate that word me). I saw a spider not the same spider but a different spider spindle a string for me, to grab, to swing around like a pocket watch. I pressed my finger down at the end of the string and lifted it up with any means. I hypnotized the others around and you would have too because the spider was not just an accessory to the dream but a meaningful part of the entire scheme. And it seems that this would be the part to make people scream but all was silent when i placed the spider on my tongue and let it dance around all in fun. I kissed the Recluse's head and out came the spider starting a web. i wanted to understand why this was happening and that when the beautiful said "I'm going to tell you something." I looked at her and said "Coming from you i know it's going to be negative and i am not going to like what your going to say so you can go ahead and say it but i am going to listen and hopefully i can make it positive again."
WAKE...
So far this new year is promising but it showing itself in the most ugly ways. I've been a little heart broken, which shows i can still fall hopelessly in love with someone of who they are weather real or not, but i care too much for those that should be meaningless to me. It seems my biggest problem is that everything means something. When something happens i feel as though it could have something to do with me (I hate that word me.) I've been listening more to people but making everyones world revolve around me. I am my own Sun, not the sun. So to whoever read this far thanx for listening. I appreciate it...
Consider the ravens: they don't sow, they don't reap, they have no warehouse or barn, and God feeds them. How much more valuable are you than birds! Between the rivers and the ravens I'm fair, Between oblivion and places I'm there. So Father give me faith, providence and grace. Between the river and the ravens I'm fair, Sweet deliverer you lift up my head, And lead me in your way. I've grown sick and tired, Of trying to stand still, Learn to let the wind, blow me where it will. Throw myself into the will of the way. I've been, ever be brave, til were free. And though I'm walking through, the valley of the shadow of death. Evil's all around me, It's coming from the right and the left. Trust that I will see, the glory above. Oh your, banner of love, flies over me.
Ever had Iron Lungs? Every Breathed in the air to feel the shine reflect from the cold metallic feeling that your lungs now carry? I wouldn't call it an iron feeling i would say it feels the way chrome looks... Not beautiful but sterile cold and at any minute a spotless look to a serious mess. Do you lungs ever feel like metal? Like Carrying cement in your chest and your thinking and breathing manually... Just think... Breath Manually... No more autopilot. It's like that stupid "Blonde" Joke about the girl that goes in for the hair cut with headphones and says she will die if she takes them off for the hair cut; turns out it was Bush's Song "Breath in Breath out," yeah it's like that but im making my own tune to keeping alive.
so everything is going ok. it's getting hotter and hotter...i think today was close to 130 - it's been 110-120s lately, but today it was humid at 6am in the morning and i knew i was gonna get raped by the sun today :/ and it's only gonna get hotter! it's weird, i asked someone here what are the winters like, and he said, "COLD as HELL!" soooo i rather be freezing than gettin cooked by the sun all day. but seriously...i'm even getting darker from it.
some of the TCNs i work with gave me an Indian name (i dont know how to spell it but i'm gonna spell it how it sounds): Meinda Singh - i asked if it means anything and they said, "No, but good Indian name." i've also learned some Hindi here also! i work EVERYDAY - and will work EVERYDAY until i leave. i even work thay day too! well four more months to go...gonna be a long one!
i'm gonna go eat!
I left thursday and it is already sunday evening! seems like so much and a little bit at the same time has happened from when i left san antonio to when i got here! i can positively say being here, i already feel like a different person. i'm around a bunch of cool people - it's just the beginning though. cool people sometimes can turn into some huge jerks. but my roomates (clark...and the other guy) are pretty chill! clark is quiet like i am. and the other guy...is ok. and there is this other guy there garcia...he's leaving wednesday but this guy is crazy. he has this weird laugh and is this over-buff lookin dude. and when we first got in the room he had the brokeback mountain on his bed...it was just weird as the first thing to see walking in. ohh and his phone and alarm was going off allllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll night! it went off so much that i was dreaming it going off. apparently he was like uber late to work...then some Master Sergeant came to our room and knocked till someone answered! he was coming to get garcia...*sigh* woke us allll up!
it's hot as balls! some guy said it's gonna be 140 degrees tomorrow...that's..like not even imaginable!! basically it feels that hot because it's the humidty added on to the heat! the living quarters...is lame. walk down the hall to go to the bathroom and shower. no internet in the rooms (yet?). the fountain water isn't potable so we have to use bottled water for brushing teeth. - that's not all that bad though - i've only spent ONE day here so far! i still have more training tomorrow...and i will try to update as much as i can. ohh i'll have my email in a blog soon too. maybe tomorrow i will. there's this lame cover-band outside playing right now...nirvana and greenday and radiohead...messin it alllll up!...daytes...brothers...we would destroy these fools!
miss you all
