1. Are there any standardized BDSM concepts?
All over the world several BDSM concepts are more or less standardized and generally accepted. These are:
o Safe, sane and consensual - Whatever you (plan to) do you should be aware of what you are about to enter into and how to perform your actions with relative physical and psychological safety for BOTH partners (safe). BDSM is best compared to extreme sports and full safety as well as trying to exclude or prevent all risks is impossible, which is why the more modern approach is called RACK (Risk Aware Consensual Kink)
o Next, what you (plan to) do should be sane. Ordering your submissive partner to jump off a 25 story building - just because you think you can - is NOT sane; hence doing that is not BDSM, but (power) abuse.
o A better term for consensual is informed and voluntary (in this order), meaning that both partners should have a reasonable understanding of what they are about to enter into, the potential risks and consequences of their actions and they should enter into this of their own free will. Sometimes it is a very good idea to examine the voluntary aspects of any action. A simple "yes" is often not enough, since this "yes" may simply be the result of sexual or other arousal, the situation or - quite often - the will to please or not wanting to spoil the fun.
2. Safe words - A safe word is an emergency break, designed to allow partners to stop the action whenever there is some sort of an emergency or something becomes too scary, annoying, threatening or otherwise inappropriate at the time. Safe words do not always apply for everyone (more about that later). However, when agreed upon safe words are SACRED and should be respected at all times. Safe words can be anything. They were designed because such things as "ouch", "stop", or "no..no..no" may have a very different meaning in a steamy hot scene. Hence people will pick words that have no place in a BDSM-environment, such as "strawberry" or "tugboat". Using the colors of a traffic light is a widely used form of safe wording and so are specific words such as using each others first name (as opposed to role-specific terms like "master" or "slave") or using the word "mercy". When using safe words it is important the exact word or phrase and what it means are negotiated and established PRIOR to any action and that the dominant partner regularly, verbally, checks if his or her partner remembers the safe word and wants to use it. Safe words by the way can be used by all partners involved.
3. Taking ownership of your actions - You and only you are responsible for your own actions (and that applies to submissive partners as well). Whatever it is, you have entered into, you and only you have made that decision and you are responsible for the consequences of your own decisions. If it did not work out the way you envisaged it, you only have yourself to blame. If you overlooked an important detail (such as the fact that you have a specific medical condition) that is YOUR fault, nobody else. If you screw up, you screwed up, not your partner. If you fell out of a suspension because you entered into that scene with an inexperienced partner, your bruises are entirely your own fault.
4. Negotiation - You negotiate what it (the two is of) you want and do not want to do PRIOR to the event. Not during, not afterwards. Negotiation is not "I give this in order to get that" but a form of communication to establish common ground and common interests, turn on and turn offs in order to create the best possible options for both.
5. What about common sense?
As the saying goes: common sense is anything but common. That is not a negative approach. BDSM is something for adult, well-adjusted, reasonably educated people. However, hormones, the action, the desires, the lust, the anxiety, the atmosphere all tend to get in the way, when it comes to common sense. It is a very good idea to be aware of these phenomena. Regular evaluation and communication - in an open and honest way and preferably outside the role-specific situation (i.e. "on equal terms") is extremely helpful. Especially within a relationship regular communication is paramount.
Besides, when it comes to BDSM nothing is ever carved in stone. People change, situations change, desires change. People go through phases in their lives. What was a major turn on and an absolute must yesterday may not be tomorrow. And what was a no go area last week may be the thing to do next year. As you progress you learn, you adept, you discover. Especially newcomers have a tendency to have very explicit opinions about what should and should not be done. More experienced people already know - and have often learned the hard way - that things, people and their opinions, needs and boundaries, change over time. The sensible thing to do is - again - to communicate and regularly re-evaluate the situation.
6. Why is there so much emphasis on teaching?
Especially when BDSM is new to you, you may find yourself in a situation that is new to most. The "new" thing is that - as opposed to most other sexually related subjects, BDSM is something you have to learn. The combination of "learning" and "sexuality" is rather alien to most people in the Western culture. Unfortunately, that is something we apparently lost, through evolution.
Teaching is paramount in many areas of BDSM. Of course there are many different technical skills, such as how to (safely) handle a whip or how to perform Japanese bondage. But on top of that, BDSM is a very complex psychological and relational thing and often not easy to handle, without sufficient background, knowledge and understanding, of the mechanics as well as each other.
7. Do you always have to use safe words?
In all honesty, the concept of using safe words is rather alien to many people in the "BDSM world", especially to those who are in a permanent relationship. Safe words are an absolute must for incidental meetings, newbie and one night stands, simply because there is (or has not yet been) enough time to get to know each other well enough to be able to fully understand each other, read body language, pick up signals or simply have a "feel" for the situation. As time progresses - and people get to know each other better - the need to use safe words simply vanishes.
In some situations safe words are not a good idea. Much depends on the situation. This is best explained with a few examples. In the event a bondage rope is too tight and a limb starts to tingle or is slowly getting numb, a safe word can be used and used safely. However, if you are fainting (this happens sometimes, usually as a result of an overload of emotions) you probably will not be able to even remember your safe word and "I feel dizzy" or "I am fainting" is more efficient information. In other words: never ever totally rely on safe words, but use plain language as well.
8. Who is responsible?
There is a widely spread misunderstanding about responsibility. This is the misconception that the dominant partner either has the sole responsibility or at least most of it (either during a scene or sometimes even in the entire relationship). This is not the case. All partners involved in whatever action are adults, hence solely responsible for their own decisions and actions and they have a shared and EQUAL responsibility towards each other as well as towards the scene or the relationship in general. Placing all, or too much, responsibility on the shoulders of one is irresponsible, unrealistic and unfair. And that goes both ways. "My dom(inant) is responsible" is just as stupid as "He/she did not use the safe word so it is his/her responsibility". The emphasis should be on being partners. It is irrelevant whether the two of you teamed up for just one session, a weekend or for life. Fact of the matter is that at the moment you are a TEAM and should operate as one.
9. What is right and what is wrong?
There are very little generally relevant "rights" or "wrongs" when it comes to BDSM. BDSM is a very personal choice and a very personal experience. The best way to look at it is to see it as a game of golf. Golf is the only sport where you are both the player and the (your own) referee at the same time. Within a few guidelines, such as being risk aware, common sense, co sensuality and safety awareness, you and only you determine the rules of the game, the dos and the don'ts, what is out of bounds and what is not. You are the master of your own mind, body, spirit and sexuality. Nobody else is.
Steer clear from those, who will tell you there is only one (usually "their") format and that you "should" do this or that. While some of that probably is true for technical skills (such as "don't handle a single tail whip unless you know what you are doing"), safety issues and protocol, nobody can know or understand what you (are supposed to) feel, what your subspace or Dom space is or how the two of you shape and form your relationship. Information can help you find your own path, so can the experience of others but in the end only you decide. Do not try to copy others and bear in mind there are no BDSM-Olympics, that there are no medals to earn and that there is no reason to "out-BDSM" others.
10. What's with all this "experience" stuff?
People in general have a need to distinguish themselves from others, even within a small group. The Internet especially brought about many misconceptions. One of these is the word (and inherent qualification) "experience". Submissive people these days only seem to want to go for relationships with "experienced dominants". In doing so they conveniently seem to forget that "experienced dominants" first of all usually already have a partner and that everyone at some point started out with step one, hence no experience at all. The first question to ask you is "experience with what?" Someone who has been handling whips for ten years may not know anything about how to handle a relationship, for example. And a relationship encompasses much more than just the BDSM-aspects of it, no matter how much their influence on the relationship is. Besides, BDSM by definition is a people thing. You need at least one other person to live or act out your BDSM emotions. What happened between you and a previous partner is probably entirely different from what happens between you and your current or prospective partner. Simply because this is another person, with other wants, needs, assumptions, perspectives and ideals.
