losing the feeling of feeling unique's blog: "a walk in the garden of my mind"

okay well today sucked so bad i mean my husbands unit hates my guts, and quite frankly i hate them too but this deployment is killing me and all we keep doing is fighting, sometimes i think about cameron diaz and how she said that marriage is a dying institution. i feel like no matter what i do its just going to be talked about as another fuck up on my part. My husband refuses to stand up for me, he refuses to stand up to anyone with rank on their chest and i hate playing these games of politics. the best way to describe the army is like your college years with all the cliques and soroities, yeah just like that only about a thousand times worse. i am trying to hang in there

Here I go again!! I relapsed... it sucks a lot...

Today was a great day I got to talk to friends and I get to go hang out with a friend TWICE tomorrow I am excited. I am nervous cuz I am a lil self conscious cuz I have a lot of insecurity about the way that I look but all in all I am excited.

Well tonight I got to hang out with a friend and it was awesome it was so great just to sit around and talk and laugh I feel totally revitalized and like myself again not all depressed and wah wah wah I feel more like woo hoo my friends car almost got repoed tonight thank god i wasnt home! Cuz I am usin his car til next week when I finally feel like me.

i thought the grass was greener on the other side til i walked my ass across the bridge only to realize it was fake grass.

This sucks so bad it really does, you see there was someone really special I met online and it was great i thought we chatted a lot and everything well i ended up getting hurt i guess thats all i should say to respect their privacy...

I just very depressed somehow i offend and piss off everyone who comes near me. I dont consider myself blatantly rude but I also cant do everything everyone wants. I always end up feeling like I was just going to be the flavor of the week because I wouldnt put myself in a position to compromise myself.why should i compromise myself? I am really depressed right now I hate how misunderstood I always get. my heart is just broken and i am so depressed because people are so hyper sensitive... maybe im just rambling but somehow i feel like the fool but then again i always feel like a fool

I have to block out thoughts of you so I don't lose my head They crawl in like a cockroach leaving babies in my bed Dropping little reels of tape to remind me that I'm alone Playing movies in my head that make a porno feel like home There's a burning in my pride, a nervous bleeding in my brain An ounce of peace is all I want for you. Will you never call again? And will you never say that you love me just to put it in my face? And will you never try to reach me? It is I that wanted space Hate me today Hate me tomorrow Hate me so you can finally see what's good for you I'm sober now for 3 whole months it's one accomplishment that you helped me with The one thing that always tore us apart is the one thing I won't touch again In a sick way I want to thank you for holding my head up late at night While I was busy waging wars on myself, you were trying to stop the fight You never doubted my warped opinions on things like suicidal hate You made me compliment myself when it was way too hard to take So I'll drive so fucking far away that I never cross your mind And do whatever it takes in your heart to leave me behind Hate me today Hate me tomorrow Hate me for all the things I didn't do for you Hate me in ways Yeah ways hard to swallow Hate me so you can finally see what's good for you And with a sad heart I say bye to you and wave Kicking shadows on the street for every mistake that I had made And like a baby boy I never was a man Until I saw your blue eyes crying and I held your face in my hand And then I fell down yelling "make it go away!" Just make a smile come back and shine just like it used to be And then she whispered "How can you do this to me?" Hate me today Hate me tomorrow Hate me for all the things I didn't do for you Hate me in ways Yeah ways hard to swallow Hate me so you can finally see what's good for you

Okay well im just starting to feel better after dealing with the lovelies at the Army hospital out here which sucks. I started drinking last night, okay i was drinking a lot and then I blacked out my friend called 911 when she realized i was unconscious they came into my home and i was unresponsive so they loaded me into the ambulance and guess what happened.. well naturally i woke up and saw some man standing over me and me not having any idea where i was undoes the belts holding me down and goes to dart for the door i get slammed back into my seat i get to the hospital and they say my heart is racing too fast and that they need to do an IV asap so me fighting and cussing refusing the IV because u do have the right to refuse medical treatment and they were like u dont have any rights because ur drunk so i got the IV and then my blood pressure dropped really low and they all came rushin back in it wasnt good but i got home this morning about 6 and have felt pretty crappy most of the day my shoulder is in so much pain i cant lift my arm above my head cuz it hurts too much and the only person who checked on me was david (cuz hes super awesome of course) mostly ive just been sitting around and relaxing i dont know i have been really lonely twilight comes out on the 21st i hope everyone is going to go see it, as for drinking yeah im definatly done ill stick to the fubar drinks from now on.