As i was looking on the computer for my first formal posistions document I ran across a very raw and emotional letter from Master to myself. I will not post it here becuase it is very personal but i thought I would share a memory that it brought forward.
This letter i mention was written 9/13/2005. It was written after I asked Master to release me from my submission. I was at a point I felt i was a failure as a slave and submissive and would never be what my Master desired me to be. Master was rather open about our lifestyle and I was not ready for that yet. Many people were discovering what i felt was a private area of our lives. I also felt Master had me on a pedestal and I was constantly falling from it.
Master released me but we were still married. Our life for the next few weeks was painful and raw. I had become so accustom to calling my husband Master and not his name that i had no idea what to call him since Master was inapproriate. I would touch my neck and be startled to find my collar missing. I hole was in both our souls and we both felt like we were alone and drowning in grief overthe failure of this Master slave aspect of our lives.
I think this was the big turning point for me. Up until this happen I was "playing a part", acting out what he wanted but never fully giving myself. But somewhere inside I was becoming what i was acting. I think i realized that and it is what made me ask for release.
After a couple days i realized how big of a mistake i had made and i wanted despratly to be called "pet" again. Every time my true name crossed my husband's lips a would cringe. I begged for my collar back but Master was afraid i was just wanting it back to "make everything all right". While he was at work i poured over our contracts and read every BDSm Master/Slave site i could find. I needed to find out what i wanted from all this. Who I was and if i really wanted to be His slave. I made notes and journaled. After about a week I came before my husband Kneeled at his feet and asked that he listen to me without interruption.
I told him how empty i felt the last couple weeks how painful it was to her my true name cross his lips and not the endearment "pet" How I didnt know what to say we I went to call for him... and how as i fell asleep i would wisper "I love you Master." I knew both of us were grieving and that i knew that i had made a big mistake...but so had he. Our contract had a cluase in it that stated "Release may be initiated by either Master or slave; there will be a three-month waiting period between request for release and actual release, during which time reconciliation is possible."
I showed Master this cluase in our signed contracts and requested my collars back. Master agreed that I was correct but that for the next three months i needed to really search my heart and mind. I needed to completely embrace my submissivness or else we needed to leave this area of our relationship for good. We were to far in to go back to "playing Master and slave in the bed". It would be an all or nothing.
I am happy to say That that very painful time resulted in me finally coming to completely accept my submissive side. So much so that just a few months later in april of 2006 I veamently defended a male dominated relationship to my Sister in Law at a wedding. Something I never would have done before. Granted my little speech pissed her off so much that we are no longer invited to any functions at their home and my children are not invited to their cousins parties. But I stood up for who I am and that is what matters most.
Rereading that letter brought tears to my eyes..and I am not a free crier. But I smiled as I looked back at the last year and a half. I have grown so much. I am happy with my place in life and my place is at my Master's feetwith my head nestled in his lap. No woman could be more loved and more cherished then I am. I am "Master's Most Prized Possesion!"
