What can I say about me.................



It all started when I was 5.
I got caught wearing women's panties.
It wouldn't have been such a big deal,
but they were my grandma's so everyone freaked out.

Then at age 6, I had my first sexual experience with
the vacuum. I named her Yolanda.


At age 7, I found out that I was adopted.
My mom told me how they found me on the doorstep.
They thought I was a baby pig so I lived in the pen my first 4 years.
8 nipples are way better than 2 if you can squeeze in there first.

Age 8 was a blur. I was sent to juvenile prison for lewd and lascivious
conduct for a year. I made alot of friends and played alot of checkers.

At age 9 I learned what a dolphins blow hole wasn't used for.
Needless to say, I am banned from Sea World.

Age 10 was a bad year. It was the year of the great squirrel massacre
of 1982 as it came to be known. All I can say is that we have no squirrels in my
town anymore.

Age 11, I did potty for the first time. I can kiss these diapers goodbye.

At age 12, I got my first pubic hair. My mom still has it displayed on
the refrigerator.

Age 13 I went to my first school dance alone. My date never showed up.
She said she had to wash her hair that night. Lather, rinse, repeat..lather, rinse, repeat....

Age 14 I got my first pet. It was a gerbil. I named it stinky. Need I say more.

At age 15 I got caught rubbing one out in church by my priest, yet for some reason,
I didn't get in trouble.

At 16 I got my drivers license. It was revoked that same day. I can tell you what
the exhaust pipe isn't used for.

Age 17 I got a job working in a movie. I should of asked what a fluffer was before
I took the job.

Age 18, I joined the army. Don't ask cause I won't tell.

Age 19, dishonorable discharge.

At age 20 I was introduced to drugs, actually it might have been Flinstones Chewable Vitamins.
Either way I had an excuse to run around naked in McDonalds.

Age 21, it was now legal for me to drink alcohol. I drank my first beer, then went back to McDonalds.

At age 22 I finally had my first sexual experience with a woman. It was the best $50 I ever spent.

Age 23 I found out that women didn't have adams apples but my first time still counts cause he had boobs.

Age 24 I got a job as a security officer at the state prison. They fired me because the inmates were "uncomfortable" with me working there.

At age 25 I became a born again Christian. Thats where I learned the term "Sweet Jesus".

At age 26 I gave up Christianity for obvious reasons.

Age 27 was when I was introduced to the swingers lifestyle. They kicked me out because they were "uncomfortable" with my actions
during the orgies.

Age 28 I almost got married, but I couldn't find any state where it was legal. There really is no reason to go into details on that one.

Age 29 was the year of the "incident". Lets just say I'm banned from Burger King. I can tell you what an onion ring is not used for.

At age 30, I learned that they do a body cavity search at the airport if you say you are smuggling drugs.
I have racked up thousands of frequent flyer miles.

Age 31 I decided to become a male prostitute. I made $.37 after taxes.

At age 32 I tried to commit suicide but all I had was an electric razor. It wasn't a total loss, my wrists are silky smooth.

Age 33 I had my first ambulance ride because my erection lasted more than 4 hours...I thought it was a blue tic tac.

At age 34 I joined a cult. I wasn't in it for very long cause they drank all the punch while I was in the kitchen making the finger sandwiches.

At age 35 someone showed me what the sex term shrimping means, it gives a new meaning to shrimp cock tail. (if you must, look up the definition)

Age 36 I had my first cyber sex encounter. It was very similar to the Yolanda but the floppy drive burned a little when it would spin.

At age 37 I had a mid life crisis, and was forcefully removed by the staff at the Kids Corner preschool. I'm pretty sure it was because my diaper was on backwards. Now that I think about it, maybe I went a little to far back to reclaim my youth.

And finally this year at age 38, I got caught wearing women's panties................