Hey the entry that matchs my age lol. Maybe I'll be a smartalex and match my next one to my birthday to age lol (37 on the 21st, Goddess I feel old while at same time I don't lol).
Fair warning, yet again this one is more then likely going to wind up being a book. But there are things I discovered about myself recently that I feel I must share. I need to open up more to make this journal "complete" in a sense. I've talked alot of myself, how I got to be fat etc etc etc.
Now its time for more truths. Truths about myself that render me a moron at times. Its time for me to let go of more of my demons and move on and grow as ME. Truths that 2 maybe 3 people total in my life know about. There are things I will not open up about to anyone unless I know I'm safe with them. Even most of those I KNOW I'm safe with, don't know unless they've figured it out by my speak. Maybe not talking about some things is part of my holding myself back. Holding things in for me is not a good thing and they fester and get more and more poisonous in me.
SO here goes. Might wanna grab me/you some snot rags and exedrin lmao. No drinking while reading because while this is going to be eye opening in some senses, I'm in a good and ornery mood *smirks* Need I say more lol.
BTW even if what I say sounds sad or pathetic or like I'm bringing myself down, remember, I"M NOT! I'm being truthful and its ok. I'm letting demons go, or working on it I should say, that have rendered me an idiot, fool, twisted mentally, dipstick. It is true. Don't be sad or angry or upset with me. Be glad I'm facing them and letting them go and taking some baby steps in my life that are going to change me so dramatically its gonna be insane.
Definatly pray though that I succeed. If I give up or fall back, there will be no hope for me to succeed with this Gastric Bypass. Because to fail means I'm failing myself, my chance to live as a HUMAN NOT a HERMIT, as I do now. As hard as it is, I want to begin changing myself before the surgery so I succeed after. I'm thinking that all these delays and problems are the Goddess's way of saying HELLLOOOOO WAKE THE FUCK UP AND LOOK AT YOUR LIFE DIFFERENT! So I am lol. *rubs head where she slapped me hard as hell to wake me up lol. Yea yea yea, I'm so hard headed and dense about MYSELF the Goddess tends to have to use a hard hand or a even harder brick to get me to wake up. Last time she broke the brick, poor brick. I spent weeks cleaning brick dust outta my head, yeesh.
Its what I want. Its what I need. I'm tired of being upset and depressed.
The reason for what I'm saying tonight?
For many years now, I've never let myself do anything for myself that I've stuck with, other then keeping the internet. I've been a hermit that doesn't care about myself. I used to go fishing, hunting, swimming, camping etc. Outdoorsie stuffs. I quit them after Randy left me 3 months before my mom died. Didn't want to be in the sun because of skin cancer (what actually killed my mom even though she had lots of health problems) and without Randy, it was no fun.
I've felt I'm not worth anything special. Not worth letting myself be a woman. Not worth letting myself enjoy anything in RL (real life) purrsay. Not worth letting myself live a healthy, happy, fun, outgoing life in my real life. I can be me completly on the internet because no one can see me.
Yea, it all comes down to the physical me. Since I got fat, I've basicaly felt humiliated at myself for letting it happen. I've also used it to keep people away from me because of all the hurts people have done to me. 90% of my internet family and friends haven't hurt me. I can be myself in here. Tis why I am so good at making people laugh. My way of returning the happys I get from the people I talk to. Ironic how I won't judge others by looks yet am so totally harsh on myself huh.
Granted I've made some good progress since I've moved in with Sue and family. But not enough. And I've taken some massive steps backwards since that crap with the doctors happend a couple weeks ago. Like Sue said in our talk, what I went through would be a major blow to anyone, I just take it harder. I was looking at it like I was being punished for some reason. I'd even begun to think it was because I'm such a horrible purrson.
It got bad enough Sue stepped in and is taking a "firm" hand in guiding me back to reality. Firm being she Katt-napped me a few days ago and made me have an adventure outside up at the lake :) We talked. I bawled like an idiot and faced some realities, it was really hard (talking and sorting things through).
But wading in the lake, taking a couple small walks with no one around, enjoying the woods and lake, petting the horses and seeing my first filly (7-12 birth) was something I enjoyed so much, I want more. I'd forgotten exactly how much I do enjoy going outside. For most, that little bit would be nothing much. Fun yea but no biggie.
For me it was HUGE. Enormous. The heat danged near killed me but I didnt cower back into the car and say take me home.
OH yea, my adventure was actually a reward *blushies*. She did it because I'd taken the time to shave rotflmao. Its hard for me to manouver around the tub so I tend to just not shave. Hey no ones touching my legs or anything and I don't wear shorts outside the house so why bother. A frame of mind I'm going to change. Besides contorting my big assed self around to do that is good exercise lmao.
So basically the TALK, lead to me realizing just how much I consider myself worthless. Not worth doing anything for. I do start to try to do things but in time it falls through and I have as of yet to succeed in any of my goals. Well I'm actually going to count this journal as a success. I've kept it up for almost exactly a year now. So I'm gonna say its my first true success.
Since the talk I've been doing what Sue gives me as lists. Little things to do to improve my physical self. I actually painted my fingernails for the first time in years. Even put a couple flower stickers on them :) I used to always paint my nails. *gasp* I'm even gonna put some make up on at least 1 time a week just for the hell of it. Its gonna be a while for the actually going to the bar again or that type of outting but I'm not gonna totally overwhelm myself like I usually do. I'm gonna take the time to enjoy these little things and make them a routine. Nails 1 x a week, make up 1 x a week, shaveing, nature outting a couple to few times a month (yes that means I'm even gonna try something like sled riding in winter a few times, gonna be funny as hell if I fall off the sled or tube and go rolling downhill, self made snowwoman ROTLFMAO!!!!). Like I said, it aint much but its steps I'm taking to starting to feel like a woman and realize I am worth doing it for.
I'm pondering even doing a web site for this journal and do a page for each month of entries. Each page having a different theme and then all the entries for that month on it. Simple but I really enjoy doing web pages even though its only with this 1 site that makes it easy as hell. Its going to include new monthly photo's of me if I do it. Thats a step I'm thinking to trying to show myself its ok for everyone to see me and I won't be laughed at etc.
Gonna start trying new things too. Did my first the other day. Sue and I went out for GREEK food (she asked where and I actually suggested it). It was actually good. I still HATE olives (tried these cause they are different then the jarred type I've tried, I gagged lmao) but I like Feta cheese and stuffed grape leaves are an ok, once in a huge while type thing lol. We're gonna go there more often instead of doing fast food places (since I can't eat Chinese anymore without getting sick, not sure what it is but I always get sick now *sighs). I think its one of my favorites, some crab thing thats yummy as hell but tears me up. Its the only thing I can think of that I've had every single time (unless its the oil stuff is cooked in, I dunno lol).
Anywhoo, its little things I'm beginning with but once I get used to this routine, I'm going to add things. I'm going to keep following Sue's "lists" and come up with things to reward myself. Simple things like a book or a cd or movie etc. The biggest reward I hope for though is that I really begin to feel like I'm worth it. Because I am. I gotta start liking me.
OH yea, this month (after my financies get back on track, a couple weeks tops) I've been told I'm going through all my clothes and getting rid of the worn out stuffs. *giggles* Sue finally has her ammo to get me to dress better lol (I knew she was just biding her time!). Hey work ruins my clothes and I keep putting of getting nice stuff because of either $ or I'm gonna loose weight etc. Can't use that excuse noooo more (I told her I want to get a couple things, then later I was told about going through clothes lol). Granted I'm not going to get dozens of expensive outfits because I will be loosing wieght but I'm gonna get 1 really nice outfit to go out in then a few cheapy but decent outfits for work. I have lost enough weight that mine are actually slightly hangish on me. Makes me feel like a hag actually, my clothes are so bluckie now.
So I have at least 6 months to prove to myself I can succeed. When the time comes for the surgery, I'll have another talk with Sue and decide if I should truly have the surgery. I know she will tell the truth, no matter if it hurts or not and while she'll make me make my own desicion (which it will ultimatly be me, no one else, I just want her input because she see's what I do to myself).
If/when I do succeed during the next 6 months or so, it is going to show me if I can handle the next huge step in my life. So in 1 sense, all the delays and problems are a good thing.
Its still frustrating, I'm still quite angery and resentful but the Goddess has her ways and I follow her guidence. I know she's leading me to my path of being a GOOD Shamanka (OMG Ok this may be silly but I just googled shamanka to make sure I spelled it right, its the word for female shaman, and I just found a school for shamanka's! I've spent dozens of hours trying to find shaman schools etc and never came across it and I have even used shamanka before too! Those that know me, know I'm quite good at finding information so its not like I shouldn't have found this before. See I take things like this as signs from the Lady that I'm turning the right way in things, that I'm beginning to think correctly.)
Anywhoo, Brigit (my alpha Goddess) is leading me to the path of becomging a good Shamanka, Witch and Priestess (to clarify, Shamanism and Witchcraft are practices, NOT religions, both being nature aimed and I want to be a Priestess in religion, maybe Wicca, but not sure as I am ecclectic and study tidbits of all religions but follow mostly Celtic styles). Right now I think I can do. NO I know I can do it. Lets hope it lasts that way! I am actually worried about doing my normal giving up type thing.
Oh yea, I'd also done a MUMM in one of my sites asking advice on if I should continue doing this journal because lately its QUITE embarassing to write in even though I've not really said much about my feelings on that. I got a big reply saying don't give up on both the journal and surgery. I had a few people help me get my head straightened out and I appriciate that. So I'm sticking with this in the assumption that there will be a surgery eventually.
And on that note, I've just spent several hours working on this and I'm beat lol. So this book is done lol
More to be written later.
