Happy Birthday!!!

Bill Gates died in a car accident. He found himself in Purgatory."Well, Bill, I'm really confused on this call. I'm not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you enormously helped society by putting a computer in almost every home yet you created that ghastly Windows 95. I'm going to let you decide where you want to go!"Bill replied,"Well, thanks, God. What's the difference between the two?"God said,"I'm willing to let you visit both places briefly if it will help you make a decision.""OK, then, let's try Hell first." So Bill went to Hell. It was a beautiful, clean, sandy beach with clear waters. There were thousands of beautiful women running around, playing in the water, laughing and frolicking about. The sun was shining and the temperature was perfect. Bill was very pleased."This is great!" he told God,"If this is Hell, I REALLY want to see Heaven!" Heaven was a high place in the clouds, with angels drifting about playing harps and singing. It was nice but not as enticing as Hell. Bill thought for a quick minute and rendered his decision."Hmm, I think I prefer Hell" he told God."Fine," retorted God,"as you desire." So Bill Gates went to Hell.Two weeks later, God decided to check up on the late billionaire to see how he was doing in Hell. When God arrived in Hell, he found Bill shackled to a wall, screaming amongst the hot flames in a dark cave. He was being burned and tortured by demons."How's everything going, Bill?" God asked.Bill responded - his voice full of anguish and disappointment,"This is awful, this is not what I expected. I can't believe this happened. What happened to that other place with the beaches and the beautiful women playing in the water?"God says,"That was the screen saver".

!! Dear Abby I Need your advice. I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me.The usual signs; phone rings but if I answer, the caller hangs up. My wife has been going out with 'the girls' a lot recently although when I ask their names she always says, just some friends from work, you don't know them.I try to stay awake and watch for her when she comes home, but I usually fall asleep.Anyway, I have never broached the subject with my wife. I think deep down I just did not want to know the truth, but last night she went out again and I decided to finally check on her around midnight, I hid in the garage behind my golf clubs so I could get a good view of the whole street when she arrived home from a night out with"the girls."When she got out of the car she was buttoning up her blouse, which was open, and she took her panties out of her purse and slipped them on.It was at that moment, crouching behind my golf clubs, that I noticed a hairline crack where the grip meets the graphite shaft on my Taylor Made 460 driver.Is this something I can fix myself or should I take it back to the PGA Superstore?Signed...Concerned Golfer

Joke of the DayA blind man interviews for a job as a quality controller at the local wood mill. The manager calls the blind man into his office and asks him how he expected to do this job since he was blind. The blind man replied he would do it by smell. The manager decides to test him and places a piece of wood in front of him. The manager asks,"What is it without touching it?" The blind man replies,"That's a good piece of fir.""Correct," says the manager,"now try this one.""That's a bad piece of willow," says the blind man."Correct," answers the manager.With that, the manager decides to play a trick on the blind man. He get his secretary to lift up her dress and put her crotch in the blind mans face."I'm confused," says the blind man,"Can you turn it around?" The secretary turns around and puts her ass in his face. The blind man says,"Oh, you're trying to fool me! But I know exactly what kind of wood that is. It's the shit house door off a tuna boat!"

Two football players were taking an important final exam. If they failed, they would be on academic probation and not allowed to play in the Sugar Bowl the following week. The exam was fill-in-the-blank. The last question read,"Old MacDonald had a _________."Bubba was stumped. He had no idea of the answer. He knew he needed to get this one right to be sure he passed. Making sure the professor wasn't watching, he tapped Tiny on the shoulder."Pssst. Tiny. What's the answer to the last question?" Tiny laughed. He looked around to make sure the professor hadn't noticed then he turned to Bubba."Bubba, you're so stupid. Everyone knows Old MacDonald had a farm.""Oh yeah," said Bubba."I remember now."He picked up his No. 2 pencil and started to write the answer in the blank. He stopped. Reaching to tap Tiny's shoulder again, he whispered,"Tiny, how do you spell farm?""You are really dumb, Bubba. That's so easy. Farm is spelled E-I-E-I-O."

John took his blind date to the carnival."What would you like to do first, Kim?" asked the man."I want to get weighed," said the girl. They ambled over to the weight guesser. He guessed 120 pounds. She got on the scale; it read 117 and she won a prize. Next the couple went on the ferris wheel. When the ride was over, John again asked Kim what she would like to do."I want to get weighed," she said. Back to the weight guesser they went. Since they had been there before, he guessed her correct weight, and John lost his dollar.The couple walked around the carnival and again he asked where to next."I want to get weighed," she responded. By this time, John figured she was really weird and took her home early, dropping her off with a handshake. Her roommate, Laura, asked her about the blind date,"How'd it go?" Kim responded,"Oh, Waura, it was wousy."

Have a good oneOnly three doorsAn airline captain was breaking in a new blonde stewardess. The route they were flying had a layover in another city. Upon their arrival, the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight.The next morning, as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened. She answered the phone, crying, and said she couldn't get out of her room."You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked,"Why not?"The stewardess replied:"There are only three doors in here," she sobbed,"one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!"

HugsCLASSIFIED ERRORS, from a small-town daily: (Monday) FORE SALE - R. D. Jones has one sewing machine for sale. Phone 555-0707 after 7 p.m. and ask for Mrs. Kelly who lives with him cheap. (Tuesday) NOTICE - We regret having erred in R. D. Jone's ad yesterday. It should have read: One sewing machine for sale. Cheap: 555-0707 and ask for Mrs. Kelly who lives with him after 7 p.m. (Wednesday) NOTICE - R. D. Jones has informed us that he has received several annoying telephone calls because of the error we made in his classified ad yesterday. His ad stands corrected as follows: FOR SALE - R. D. Jones has one sewing machine for sale. Cheap. Phone 555-0707 and ask Mrs. Kelly who loves with him. (Thursday) NOTICE - I, R. D. Jones, have NO sewing machine for sale. I SMASHED IT. Don't call 555-0707, as the telephone has been disconnected. I have NOT been carrying on with Mrs. Kelly. Until yesterday she was my housekeeper, but she quit."

One day Superman was flying along, feeling kind of horny. He had a busy day ahead of him, but just had to satisfy his urge. So he decided he would fly over to Wonder Woman's house to see what she was doing. As he got closer he used his x-ray vision, and to his suprise, Wonder Women was lying on her bed totally nude.Superman thought"this is great! I'll just zip right in there, do my business, and before she knows it, I'll be gone." So, Superman blasts in, right on top of Wonder Woman, does the deed at light speed, and is gone in a flash. Wonder Woman, not quite knowing what hit her said"WHOA! What was that?" and the Invisible Man replied."I don't know, but my arse sure is sore!"

HAppy HAlloweenWhy Pumpkins Are Better Than Men1. Every year you get a brand new crop to choose from.2. No matter what your mood is, pumpkins are always ready to greet you with a smile.3. One usually makes a better pie.4. They are always on the doorstep there waiting for you!5. If you don't like the way he looks, you just carve up another face.6. If he starts smelling up your place, you can just throw him out.7. From the start you know a pumpkin has an empty, mush filled head to begin with.8. A pumpkin is turned on (lit-up) only when you want him to be.

Between 18 and 20 a woman is like Africa, half discovered, half wild, naturally beautiful with fertile deltas.Between 21 and 30 a woman is like America, well developed and open to trade especially for someone with cash.Between 31 and 35 she is like India, very hot, relaxed and convinced of her own beauty.Between 36 and 40 a woman is like France. Gently aging but still a warm and desirable place to visit.Between 41 and 50 she is like Yugoslavia, lost the war - haunted by past mistakes. Massive reconstruction is now necessary.Between 51 and 60, she is like Russia, very wide and borders are unpatrolled. The frigid climate keeps people away.Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Mongolia, with a glorious and all conquering past but alas, no future.After 70, they become Afghanistan. Most everyone knows where it is, but no one wants to go there.

HUgs One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Jack says to Mike behind him,"My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a doctor.""Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies."There's a diagnostic computer at the drugstore at the corner. Just give it a urine sample and the computer'll tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars...a hell of a lot cheaper than a doctor." So Jack deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to the drugstore. He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks. That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and masturbated into the mixture for good measure. Jack hurries back to the drugstore, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results. The computer prints the following: 1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. 2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. 3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab. 4. Your wife is pregnant...twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. 5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better.

Have a great day! There was a guy who had been having chronic trouble in trying to get an erection. After weeks of frustration, he finally breaks down and goes to the doctor. The doctor gives him a thorough examination and finally makes the diagnosis."Well, there's good news and there's bad news," she says."The bad news is that the muscles around your penis are deteriorating, and there is no cure."The guy, on the verge of panic, finally regains his composure."So what's the good news?" he asks.The doctor says,"There is an experimental treatment available, but there are no guarantees. It involves transplanting the muscles from a baby elephant's trunk into your penis. Would you like to try it?"The guy thinks about it and finally says,"Well, the thought of going through life without being able to have sex is just too much for me. What have I got to lose? Let's do it."So the doctor performs the operation.A few weeks later, the guy takes his girlfriend out to a nice restaurant to celebrate his new equipment. While sitting at the table, he feels a stirring between his legs; it gets progressively worse until it reaches the point of being painful.Seeking relief, he reaches down and unzips his fly to relieve some of the pressure.Suddenly, his penis leaps free from his pants, slides over the tabletop and grabs a dinner roll, then returns to his pants again."Wow!" says his stunned girlfriend,"That was impressive! Can you do that again?"Eyes watering and face flushed, he says,"Probably...But I don't know if I can fit another dinner roll up my ass!"

One day a young cowboy and cowgirl decided to get married. He was a man of the world. She was an innocent bride with no experience.After the wedding they left for their honeymoon. While driving down the road, the new bride sees two cows having sex.The new bride asks,"What are them cows up to honey?"The husband, a bit flustered, answers,"Why can't you see? Them cows, they're roping!"She replies,"Oh, I see!"After a few more hours of driving they pass two horses having sex.Again the bride asks,"What are them horses doing honey?"The husband answers again,"Them horses, they're roping!"She replies,"Oh, I see!"Finally they arrive at their hotel. The couple washed up and started to get ready for bed. When they got in the bed, they start to explore each other's bodies. Things are going along fine until the bride discovers her husband's penis."Oh my!" she cries,"What is that?""Well, darlin'" he chuckles proudly,"That's ma'rope!"She slides her hands down further and gasps,"Oh my goodness! What are those?" she asks."Honey, those're my knots!" he answers.Finally the couple begins to make love. After several minutes the bride says,"Stop honey, wait a minute!"Her husband, panting a little, asks,"What's the matter honey, am I hurting you?""No," the bride replies,"undo them damn knots, I need more rope!"

Have a good one!Two guys in a bar are discussing"positions" so one tells the other,"Well my favorite is the rodeo!"and the other says,"What's the rodeo?""well, first you get your wife down and start to do her doggy style, then when you're halfway done, you bend over and whisper in her ear, 'you know, this is your sister's favorite position too' and then try to hold on for 8 seconds!"

Duct TapeJeff walks into a bar and sees his friend Paul slumped over the bar. He walks over and asks Paul what's wrong."Well," replies Paul,"you know that beautiful girl at work that I wanted to ask out, but I got an erection every time I saw her?""Yes," replies Jeff with a laugh."Well," says Paul, straightening up,"I finally plucked up the courage to ask her out, and she agreed.""That's great!" says Jeff,"When are you going out?""I went to meet her this evening," continues Paul,"but I was worried I'd get an erection again. So I got some duct tape and taped my penis to my leg, so if I did, it wouldn't show.""Sensible" says Jeff."So I get to her door," says Paul,"and I rang her doorbell. She answered it in the sheerest, tiniest dress you ever saw.""And what happened then?"(Paul slumps back over the bar again.)"I kicked her in the face."

Hope its a great oneSam and Abe, now in their eighties, first met in grade school. Their relationship now is playing cards, playing jokes and making bets.One day Sam calls Abe and says,"I bet you that mine is longer soft than yours is hard. A thousand dollars..."Abe replies,"How can that be? If you know anything about biology you...."Sam interrupts,"I called for a bet, not a lecture. Mine is longer soft than yours is hard. A thousand dollars... YES OR NO?"Abe says,"OK, OK. I'll take that bet. How long is yours soft?"Sam answers,"Eleven years!"

!Low Sperm Count!A 70 year old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count. The doctor gave the man a jar and said,"Take this jar home and bring me back a sample tomorrow." The next day the 70 year old man reappears at the doctor's office and gives him the jar, which is as clean and empty as on - the previous day. The doctor asked what happened and the man explains:"Well, doc, it's like this: First I tried with my right hand, but, nothing. Then I tried with-my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She - tried with her right hand, with nothing. Then her left, but nothing. She - even tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with the teeth-out, and still nothing. We even called up the lady next door and-she tried with both hands and her mouth too, but nothing." The doctor was shocked!"You asked your neighbor?" the old man replied,"yep, but no matter what we tried we couldn't get the DARN jar open!"