lizbullah's blog: "5 Levels of Hangovers"

Q: My husband wants a threesome with my best friend and me. A. Obviously your husband can not get enough of you! Knowing that there is one of you he can only settle for the next best thing, your best friend. Far from being an issue, this can only bring you closer together. Why not get some of your old college roommates involved too? If you are still apprehensive, maybe you should let him be with your friends without you. If you're still not sure, then just perform oral sex on him and cook him a nice meal while you think about it. Q: My husband continually asks me to perform oral sex on him. A: Do it. Semen can help you lose weight and gives a great glow to your skin. Interestingly, men know this. His offer to allow you to perform oral sex on him is totally selfless. This shows he loves you. The best thing to do is thank him by performing it twice a day: then cook him a nice meal. Q: My husband has too many nights out with the boys. A: This is perfectly natural behavior and should be encouraged. The man is a hunter and he needs to prove his prowness with other men. A night out chasing younge single girls is great stress relief and can foster a more peacefull and relaxing home. Remember, nothing can rekindle your relationship better then a man to be away for a day or two (its a great time to clean the house too). Just look how emotional and happy he is when he returns to his stable home. The best thing to do when he returns home is for you and your best friend to perform oral sex on him. Then cook him a nice meal. Q: My husband doesn't know where my clitoris is A: Your clitoris is of no concern to your husband. If you must mess with it, do it in your own time or ask your best friend to help. You may wish to video tape yourself while doing this, and present it to your husband as a birthday gift. To ease your selfish guild, perform oral sex on him and cook him a delicious meal. Q: My husband is uninterested in foreplay A: You are a bad person for bringing it up and should seek sensativity training. Foreplay to a man is very stressful and time consuming. Sex should be available to your husband on demand with no pesky requests for foreplay. What this means is that you do not love your man as much as you should. He should never have to work to get you in the mood. Stop being so selfish! Perhaps you can make it up to him by performing oral sex on him and cooking him a nice meal. Q: My husband always has an oragasm then rolls over and goes to sleep without giving me one A: I'm not sure I understand the problem. Perhaps you've forgotten to cook him a nice meal.

Hazel Eyes People with hazel eyes are very lovable. They are really hot and are awesome to be around. They don't enjoy 'pet names'. They don't care what people think or say. They are lovers and fighters. But if you mess around, they'll knock you out.They are real partiers.They are very satisfying and they love to please. They can exceed your pleasure standards. They are very laid back, chilled and love to just be around.

TO MY DEAR WIFE: During the past year I have tried to make love to you 365 times. I have succeeded 36 times, w hich is an average of once every ten days. The following is a list of why I did not succeed more often: 54 times the sheets were clean 17 times it was too late 49 times you were too tired! 20 times it was too hot 15 times you pretended to be sleep 22 times you had a headache 17 times you were afraid of waking the baby 16 times you said you were too sore 12 times it was the wrong time of the month 19 times you had to get up early 9 times you said weren't in the mood 7 times you were sunburned 6 times you were watching the late show 5 times you didn't want to mess up your new hairdo 3 times you said the neighbors would hear us 9 times you said your mother would hear us Of the 36 times I did succeed, the activity was not satisfactory because: 6 times you just lay there 8 times you reminded me there's a crack in the ceiling 4 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with 7 times I had to wake you and tell you I finished 1 time I was afraid I had hurt you because I felt you move KEEP READING....... ===================================================== TO MY DEAR HUSBAND: I think you have things a little confused. Here are the reasons you didn't get more than you did: 5 times you came home drunk and tried to screw the cat 36 times you did not come home at all 21 times you didn't cum 33 times you came too soon 19 times you went soft before you got in 38 times you worked too late 10 times you got cramps in your toes 29 times you had to get up early to play golf 2 times you were in a fight and someone kicked you in the balls 4 times you got it stuck in your zipper 3 times you had a cold and your nose was running 2 times you had a splinter in your finger 20 times you lost the notion after thinking about it all day 6 times you came in your pajam as while reading a dirty book 98 times you were too busy watching TV Of the times we did get together: The reason I laid still was because you missed and were screwing the sheets. I wasn't talking about the crack in the ceiling, what I said was, "Would you prefer me on my back or kneeling?" The time you felt me move was because you farted and I was trying to breathe.

I don't want to be all crazy and what not, but I got completely creeped out when a guy got a lil too happy about me going and taking pictures of him and his grooms men getting ready. Most guys are casual about it, this guy just seemed creepy, to the point of making me uncomfortable. Who knows, me, in a room full of guys, that i don't even know. I never thought of the possibilities of what could happen, but something tells me that I will not be going to take their pictures. Its bad enough that I am taking pictures of people's "happiest" days, trying to visualize what it would have been like if i ever had a real one, and if my groom ever acted like that, we would have been having words...FOR SURE!!!!

The 1st kind of sex is called: Smurf Sex. This kind of sex happens when you first meet someone and you both have sex until you are blue in the face. The 2nd kind of sex is called: Kitchen Sex. This is when you have been with your partner for a short time and you are so horny you will have sex anywhere, even in the kitchen. The 3rd kind of sex is called: Bedroom Sex. This is when you have been with your partner for a long time. Your sex has gotten routine and you usually have sex only in your bedroom. The 4th kind of sex is called: Hallway Sex. This is when you have been with your partner for too long. When you pass each other in the hallway you both say "screw you". The 5th kind of sex is called: Courtroom Sex. This is when you cannot stand your wife/Hubby any more. She/He takes you to court and screws you in front of everyone. The 6th kind is called Religious Sex, which means you get Nun in the morning, Nun in the afternoon and Nun at night. OOPS. Don't forget the 7th kind of sex - Social Security Sex. You get a little each month. But not enough to live on!

ONE. Give people more than they expect and do it cheerfully. TWO. Marry a man/woman you love to talk to. As you get older, their conversational skills will be as important as any other. THREE. Don't believe all you hear, spend all you have or sleep all you want. FOUR. When you say, "I love you," mean it. FIVE. When you say, "I'm sorry," look the person in the eye. SIX. Be engaged at least six months before you get married. SEVEN. Believe in love at first sight. EIGHT. Never laugh at anyone's dream. People who don't have dreams don't have much. NINE. Love deeply and passionately. You might get hurt but it's the only way to live life completely. TEN.. In disagreements, fight fairly. No name calling. ELEVEN. Don't judge people by their relatives. TWELVE. Talk slowly but think quickly. THIRTEEN. When someone asks you a question you don't want to answer, smile and ask, "Why do you want to know?" FOURTEEN. Remember that great love and great achievements involve great risk. FIFTEEN. Say "bless you" when you hear someone sneeze. SIXTEEN. When you lose, don't lose the lesson SEVENTEEN. Remember the three R's: R espect for self; Respect for others; and responsibility for all your actions. EIGHTEEN. Don't let a little dispute injure a great friendship. NINETEEN. When you realize you've made a mistake, take immediate steps to correct it. TWENTY. Smile when picking up the phone. The caller will hear it in your voice. TWENTY-ONE. Spend some time alone.

L * I * F * E Don't undermine your worth by comparing yoursel with others. It is because we are different that each of us is special. Don't set your goals by what other people deem important. Only you know what is best for you. Don't take for granted the things closest to your heart. Cling to them as you would your life, for withouth them, life is meaningless. Don't let your life slip through your fingers by living in the past or for the future. By living your life one day at a time, you live all the days of your life. Don't give up when you still have something to give. Nothing is really over until the moment you stop trying. Don't be afraid to admit that you are less than perfect. It is this fragile thread that binds us each together. Don't be afraid to encounter risks. It is by taking chances that we learn how to be brave. Don't shut love out of your life by saying it's impossibl to find. The quickest way to receive love is to give. The fastest way to lose love is to hold it too tightly. And te best way to keep love is to give it wings. Don't dismiss your dreams. To be without dream is to be without hope. To be without hope is to be without purpose. Don't run through life so fast that you forget. Not only where you've been, but also where you are going. Life is not a race, but a journey to be savored each step of the way. Yesturday is History, Tomorrow is a Mysterey, And Today is a gift, that's why we call it The Present --- By: George Kwok I always thought this summed it all up, thought I'd share it.

1. Get off your lazy ass and stop using scrunchies! 2. No, I will not put out for a steak dinner and a Charm's Blowpop! 3. If I don't talk to you for a few days, I am not playing games. I just think you are really creepy and I don't want to hurt your feelings by telling you. 4. If someone sends you a picture and describes it as "The Caverns" don't fall for it. They do not mean a natural formation (Thanks Ron and Angie!) 5. Unless you are going to a costume party, banana clips are unacceptable. 6. You are not Poppin Fresh, so get rid of the muffin tops! PLEASE!!! 7. Beware of the gnomes! 8. Wash your hands before you touch my sister, you dirty raisin!!!!! 9. I don't care what your "real" name is, now you are TICO! 10. Two words..."chicken dance"! 11. Its fun to play the light weight on a date....he won't know what advantage hit him...tee hee (and be careful, it hurts the man feelings if you drink him under the table) 12. Who said you need a dictionary when you have a cigarette in your hand? 13. If it pertains to clothing the answer is ALWAYS, "NO" 14. We let you have football, don't bug us during Greys Anatomy and Desperate Housewives 15. The four answers to every question goes as follows but not necessarily in that order: 1) yes 2) no 3) I have a headache 4) fucking hell! I thought that was a drinking game! PLEASE COMMIT THOSE TO MEMORY, FLASH CARDS ARE NOT ALLOWED LASTLY NEVER FORGET: 16. I don't have to have a bad day in order for you to give me a hug.

5 Levels of Hangovers...tee hee...go ahead and tell me how crappy you feel now OK.. the credit for this goes to Shannon..she posted it as a bulletin, but i think its rather blog worthy .... so that when someone tells me that they had WAAAAAY to much, I can diagnose them simply with a 1-5 star rating on their hang over Five Levels of Hangovers > One Star Hangover (*) No pain. No real feeling of illness. You're able to function relatively well. However, you are still parched. You can drink 5 cokes and still feel this way. For some reason, you are craving a steak & fries. > Two Star Hangover (**) No pain, but something is definitely amiss. You may look okay, but you have the mental capacity of a staple gun. The coffee you are chugging is only increasing your rumbling gut which is still tossing around the fruity pancake from the 3:00 AM Waffle House excursion. There is some definite havoc being wreaked upon your bowels. > Three Star Hangover (***) Slight headache. Stomach feels crappy. You are definitely not productive. Anytime a girl walks by you gag because her perfume reminds you of the flavored schnapps shots your alcoholic friends dared you to drink. Life would be better right now if you were home in your bed watching Lucy reruns. You've had 4 cups of coffee, a gallon of water, 3 iced teas and a diet Coke yet you haven't peed once. > Four Star Hangover (****) Life sucks. Your head is throbbing. You can't speak too quickly or else you might puke. Your boss has already lambasted you for being late and has given you a lecture for reeking of booze. You wore nice clothes but that can't hide the fact that you only shaved one side of your face. For the ladies, it looks like you put your make-up on while riding the bumper cars. Your eyes look like one big red vein, and even your hair hurts. Your ass is in perpetual spasm, and the first of about five shits you take during the day brings water to the eyes of everyone who enters the bathroom. > Five Star Hangover (*****) You have a second heartbeat in your head, which is actually annoying the employee who sits in the next cube. Vodka vapor is seeping out of every pore and making you dizzy. You still have toothpaste crust in the corners of your mouth from brushing your teeth in an attempt to get the remnants of the poop fairy out. Your body has lost the ability to generate spit so your tongue is suffocating you. You don't have the foggiest idea who the hell the stranger was passed out in your bed this morning. Any attempt to take a dump results in a fire hose like discharge of alcohol-scented fluid with a rare 'Floater' thrown in. The sole purpose of this 'Floater' seems to be to splash the toilet water all over your ass. Death sounds pretty good about right now. THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK Indubitably Innovative Preliminary Proliferation Cinnamon Mastication THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK Specificity British Constitution Passive-aggressive disorder Loquacious Transubstantiate Anonymity THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK: Thanks, but I don't want to have sex. Nope, no more booze for me. Sorry, but you're not really my type. Good evening officer isn't it lovely out tonight. Oh, I just couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing. Sorry I'm being such a jackass. I'm tired and want to go home. Call me a cab. A good friend will come and bail you out of jail... but, a true friend will be sitting next to you saying, "Damn, we really fucked up"!