You ever get one of them times when you don't know why but you are just sick with the whole prospect of being alive. I don't mean in a suicidal way but you're just sick of everything you're made of. The fact that you're alive and that you will die and you're just this skin sack filled with bones. Your very place in life and where you sit in it this very day. You have nothing to be upset about. but you're discusted anyways? What is this emotion called? Melancoly? Probably not.... Reminds me of some shitty emo song.
I've been looking for my biological father recently, mostly just for information so I can trace ancestry. So far I've found out that he doesn't exist. He is the most illusive son of a bitch to ever walk the face of the earth. Seriously. I can't find one fucking bit of information on him. I only have one single document with his name and any kind of information that should be of help but he doesn't exist. I can't help but feel pissed off about this. I feel like I have no reason for being here, If I had some kind of past to anchor myself to I would have a foundation of some sort to build on. I have no long term friends from my past. I don't know anyone from my childhood. I had listed 2 high schools that I attended but ended up deleting one of them because I really don't remember anyone there. I'll probably delete the second one cause I don't remember much of anyone there either. Actually I might just delete all of it cause I don't even remember anyone from the colleges or other schools. The more I think about it. I don't have a past. The past that I did have was manufactured for the people I was around. Military Brats do this, cause their lives aren't interesting and they have to make friends over and over. So they lie about who they are to make people like them. So let me do a quick autobio here and see if I can come up with who I really am.
Dave Borrell, born Charles N Allen jr. (Charles seinor, doesn't exist)
I have no biological father that can be found I don't have a past of any friends that I can remember past the 12 years I've been married. I've had 2 serious relationships prior to marriage, meaning I can remember their names. A slew of other girlfriends who I can't remember anything about execpt what they looked like. I learned to play guitar along the way and have always been interested in music. That is the only constant thing I can remember out of all my years. My bloodline that I have established was put together on researching the history of a surname but not my family line cause it doesn't exist. I can't accept the family line of my adoptive father because it isn't mine. I honestly feel that I was the baggage that came along with the deal.
Is it possible for someone to go through life and not have any clue as to how the fuck they got to where they are...
My life is black with shades of grey punctuated by a few intense burst of white, that being my children being born. The varying shades of grey is music that has had some ability to illicit a emotional response and give some emotion to the ride. It's a soundtrack that was made for a movie that was never filmed. or perhaps a slideshow of a few images. There is not enough information to build a story for this character. I'm hollow
On a lighter note, I went to The Castle Saturday to meet with The Order. Things went well. I had a good time and I enjoyed myself. I haven't been there in a few years. I didn't realize how much I missed being there with all the fucking freaks like me. Ran into an old friend (meaning within the past 12 years that I have been married. I have no friends from before this time) which was unexpected but nice.
