O hai dave, Welcome to my profile! If your name isn't Dave then there was a mistake in the compilation of this code. Please fix it by deleting C:Windows! I am a complete tosser. Although I come across as being a nice person in real life (well, I’m not exactly an unpleasant person even though I do smell a little like rotting whale sex), I have little consideration for strangers over the internet. I see no point in petty conversation online – Possibly because I have a slight distaste of people who hand themselves over to me like if I were superior to them. Before you think I may be a hypocrite by having this public profile, I do enjoy talking to my friends here, or getting to know people who live close to my area.
Anyway, that’s the shit side to me, now for the nice stuff:
I like long walks on the beach, helping the elderly across the road, arranging strawberries into little shapes in the bathtub resembling the male genitalia. I also like to burn, pillage and rape – but not in that order.
I am a tall woman with long blonde hair and full breasts looking for hot, dirty-dirty sexy sex with tinfoil and rollerblades. DO ME RIGHT HERE ON THE TABLE LIKE A BEAST, YOU BULGING SACK OF SCROTUM FILTH!
I'm seventeen eighteen nineteen (twenty); I was born, brought up and I live in the southern part of alabama in the province of The United States of America... Whoopdefuckingdoo... Not anymore though. I now live in the gut of a rotting goat. It's warm here and goes by the name of Mobile!
Introvert and geeky, I try ever so much to seem like I'm hard, but I really don't have bad bone in my body. (Except for my right ulna, but that's a long story involving the riot police, an entire bucket of poison-tip nails, a hammer and a herd of rabid goats).
Frequently Asked Questions: (FAQ's)
Q: I noticed the necklace you’re wearing. Are you pagan/wiccan/circus folk?
A: I don’t base my life on anyone’s beliefs or theories apart from my own. One day I’ll take off the necklace and use it as a mould to make play-doh figures. Yes, I suck. And no, I’ve never partaken in a circus-like entertainment extravaganza.
Q: WILL YOU B MY FREND?!?!?!
A: Get the fuck out of my profile!
Q: Halp me I was molestered!
A: Why are you telling me? Get the fuck out of my profile
Q: Who took/edited your photos?
A: I paid a photographer thousands of dollars to take and manipulate those crap images of myself. I don’t remember his name right now, but I think it was Juan-Jesús Jose María Martín Gonzalez Roberto Manuel-Gomez Perez…
Q: Could you tell me about the story involving the rabid goats… etc?
A: No, get the fuck out of my profile!
Q: Do you have AIM/Yahoo/MSN Messenger and would you like to chat?
A: Yes, and I cant wait to give it to you so you all can add me! Lol LOL ROFL OMG! OMG! Halp me I was molestered!
Q: Do you have an E-Mail address I can contact you with?
A: No E-Mails for me thankyee, I am Amish.
Q: I added you to my contacts but you never speak to me, are you ignoring me?
A: Two things:
1- Look at the time... What time is it? I thought so. Go to sleep now. =)
2- I dont know you, Get the fuck out of my profile!
Q: What brand of eyeliner do you use? What product do you use in your hair?
A: Shit
Q: Did you really pay some guy to take your photos?
A: Come back when you're able to figure out what blatant sarcasm is.
Q: Do you reply to each and every comment you get?
A: Okay, I'll be serious now - No, I don't. I don't reply to most people in fact. Not because I don't appreciate it or people aren't worth my time. It's partly because I keep getting the same questions over and over even though they're "answered" in this FAQ and partly because some comments are plain and simple compliments or criticisms and I don't feel it necessary to thank each and every person individually - it would be nice for you, yes - but I feel more apathetic rather than appreciative if someone is merely looking for acknowledgement of their comments. If I felt like spending more time talking to this community I would reply to more people, but I have other - more interesting things to do - like masturbating or sniffing pens. However, if you want a guaranteed reply from me, send me a picture of yourself with a shoe on your head.
Q: Hello stranger, will you chat with me and be my ‘bestest’ friend?
A: Don't ask that of me... How many times have you asked a person for a friendly commitment like that and been successful?
Hi wil u b my frend!???
LOL, YEH!!!
It just doesn’t happen…
Q: Oh wow, you're from Alabama [how cool]. What's it like over there?
A: Well, what can I say? Alabama is a is a state in a country - in Alabama one may find houses, roads and trees. Our state dish is fried chicken liver. We feast upon the earlobes of the elderly. If you look to your right, you'll always see a turquoise scarf floating beside you. Potatoes run free throughout the country-side and one must watch out for their loincloths, for they will wrap it around your face and suffocate you. Once in Alabama, if you look up you will see a thing I like to call "sky" or "clouds" or even a mixture of both. If you see neither it's probably because you're wearing the wrong type of hat which disables you from looking upwards. If you're not wearing a hat and you can't see the sky it probably means that you're gay or have cancer - or genital herpes. If you do in fact have genital herpes I am genuinely sorry for you, but I'd rather you'd not smother your genitals into my face. In Alabama we specialise in selling "Ñ" buttons for the keyboard, we don't export kiwi juice and it is forbidden to bear the name "Harrold" on one of your white t-shirts.
And that my friends, is what Alabama is all about.
Q: Hello, how are you?
A: I'm absolutely terrible I'm afraid. You see, I've been cutting myself constantly with the edge of a Mars Bar wrapper. The stress of everyday life has vanquished my thirst for living. Like for example - the other day I was walking down the street and I saw a Friends DVD I really wanted, but I did not have enough money in my wallet. I felt like running into some oncoming traffic. I then phoned up my mother to send me some money but she told me Friends is a load of dingy scrotum. Life isn't fair - I'm going to go top myself now.
Q: Wow, You seem really cool, I wish I was as cool as you!
A: No, I'm not *that* cool. I do smoke though. Smoking is cool. Don't believe me? Go get hooked on smoking. I guarantee that your coolness shall increase by 800% the instant you light up that cigarette. You don't want to look uncool in front of your friends, do you?
Not so Frequently Asked Questions:
Q: How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?
A: Seventeen.
Q: Oh man, you’re the best, will you sex me?
A: Sure, if by sex you mean smother you in mustard and play tiddly-winks and cluedo all night long without a break I encourage you. It’s one of my fantasies. I’m now going to look up tiddly-winks to see what the game actually consists of…
