Ralph came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumber.
He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St.Peter said, "You died in your sleep, Ralph."
Ralph was stunned. "I'm dead? No, I can't be! I've got too much to live for. Send me back! St. Peter said, "I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back, and that is as a chicken."
Ralph was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home.
The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking, and pecking the ground.
A rooster strolled past. "So, you're the new hen, huh?
How's your first day here?"
"Not bad," replied Ralph the hen, "but I have this strange feeling inside.
Like I'm gonna explode!"
"You're ovulating," explained the rooster.
"Don't tell me you've never laid an egg before?"
"Never," said Ralph.
"Well, just relax and let it happen," says the rooster. "It's no big deal."
Ralph did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg!
Ralph was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood.
He soon laid another egg -- his joy was overwhelming.
As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head,
and heard his wife shout.....
"Dammit, Ralph! Wake up. You're shittin in the bed.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
To all my fellow comrades:
1. Admit:
"I was in the Army; I have a problem." This is the first step to recovery...
2. Speech:
Time should never begin with a zero or end in a hundred. It is not 0430 or 1400; it is 4:30am and 2:00pm
Words like latrine, overhead, fourth point of contact, bunk, and "PT" will get you weird looks; bathroom, ceiling, ass, bed, and workout... get used to it.
"****" cannot be used to replace whatever word you can't think of right now, try "um".
Grunting is not talking.
It's a phone, not a radio; do not use words like roger, say again, send it and conversations on a phone do not end in "out"
People will not know what you are talking about if you tell them you usually spend your Mondays doing a PMCS and that you need a 5988 before you can do a proper QA/QC or that you spent a deployment in USAREUR. It's all gibberish to them.
Likewise people will not understand you when you use expressions like "watch your six" or "pop smoke."
Also, the people you hang out with now are your friends and the people you work with are your co-workers. There is no such thing as a "battle buddy" anymore.
3. Style:
Do not put creases in your jeans.
Do not put creases on the front of your dress shirts.
A horseshoe cut looks dumb, not motivating.
A high and tight looks really dumb as well.
A hat indoors does not make you a bad person; it makes you like the rest of the world; what's more it's a hat and not a cover.
You do not have to wear a belt ALL the time.
4. Relationship:
Being divorced twice by the time you are 23 is not normal, neither are 6 month marriages, even if it is your first.
Marrying a girl so that you can move out of the barracks does not make "financial sense", it makes you a retard.
5. Personal accomplishments:
In the real world, being able to do pushups and run a 13 minute 2 mile will not make you good at your job.
Most people will be slightly disturbed by you if you tell them about people you have killed or seen die.
How much pain you can take is not a personal accomplishment.
The time you got really drunk and passed the sobriety test anyway is also not a personal accomplishment.
6. Drinking:
In the real world, being drunk before 5pm will get you an intervention, not a "good for you"
That time you drank a 5th of Jaeger and pissed in your closet is not a conversation starter.
That time you went to the combat life saver school and practiced giving vodka IV's will also not be a good conversation starter.
7. Bodily functions:
Farting on your co-workers and then giggling while you run away may be viewed as "unprofessional".
The size of the dump you took yesterday will not be funny no matter how big it was, how much it burned, or how much it smelled.
You can't make fun of someone for being sick, no matter how funny it is.
VD will also not be funny
8. The human body:
Most people will not want to hear about your balls. Odd as that may seem, it's true.
9. Spending habits:
One day, you will have to pay bills
Buying a $30,000 car on a $16,000 a year salary is a really bad idea.
Spending money on video games instead of on diapers makes you a fool.
One day you will need health insurance .
10. Interacting with civilians (AKA YOU):
Making fun of your neighbor to his face for being fat will not be normal. Calling him a "fat-body" is not polite.
11. Real jobs:
They really can fire you.
On the flip side you really can quit.
Screaming at the people that work for you will not be normal, remember they really can quit too.
Taking naps at work will not be acceptable.
Remember 9-5 not 0530 to 1700
12. The Law:
UCMJ does not exist and will not save you from prison.
Your workplace unlike your command can't save you and probably won't, in fact most likely you will get fired about 5 minutes after they find out you've been arrested
Even McDonalds does background checks, and "conviction" isn't going to help you get the job
Fighting is not a normal thing and will really get you arrested, not yelled at Monday morning before they ask you if you won.
13. General knowledge:
You can in fact really say what you think about the President in public.
Pain is not weakness leaving the body, it's just pain.
They won't wear anything shiny that tells you they are more important than you are; be polite.
Read the contracts before you sign them; remember what happened last time.
Repost if you were once a soldier...or currently are...
