HeavenIsTheMomentInLifeWhenYouActuallyFe...'s blog: "1~Hide"

I look into the mirror And what do I see I don't see myself staring back at me A deep dark secert is lingering there Taken form of a person I knew long long ago... Just crawl into bed To escape my so called life Into the covers where I know I am safe Think of better things that will someday come Escape that girl in the mirror The one that truely see who I am Avoid the mirror Avoid the girl The one who sees me for me Knows all my secrets and travisities The one who knows what I want The one who knows what I want to say Lord Forgive me I don't want to see her I don't want to hear her voice Let me stay away from her She brings down my walls She makes my voice dissapear Let me just curl up in my blinkets I know I'm safe there I know I'll be fine As long as I'm still there No disturbances No thoughts No mirrors....

I want to tell you All the things I want I want to show you All the things I want I want to do everything with you Only problem is You don't even know who I am You don't know what makes me cry Or when others are irritated or fustrated I feel it and it hurts You don't know that when you curl up your lip when you smirk that it makes my heart flutter... I want to tell you of all these things But you don't even know my name Maybe you knew the old me The old name And the old scrapes on my knees But what about the new ones All the bumps and bruses All the skidmarks on my brain Saying stop don't go that way... Danger ahead My heart is going to get hurt So please don't go that way So I stand back And watch you move Watch you talk Watch you think Wow Just wow You would not even like the real me I'm angry and full of hate I'm fragile and weak I'm nothing that I seem.. Nothing at all what I seem...

Let me be as cold as ice Let me Shiver in my own cowerdess Let my Blood start to freeze Let my body be cold to you and me Give a new meaning to the cold sholder Cold as Ice That's a nice thought To not feel a damned thing To be numb inside and out Never think of others Never let others get to me Just to be Ice cold Frozen To feel nothing To hinder others from touching myself as well Stay away I want to be ice I want to be the Ice Queen So Everyone Stay the Hell away from me

My body aches I'm all choked up I just want to sleep Fall into a deep slumber To forget my pain Forget my past To get away from all my memories Thay haunt me They always do Let me forget Let me sleep it all away Let me pretend this life was just a dream One long disasterious, painful, enjoyable dream Just let me go there Fall asleep Let me make my own ending Write my own past Where my body, my heart doesn't ache Let who I am fade away Let the numbness replace me The me who hasn't been enough The me who can't help The me whose confusion rules The me who keeps letting myself feel The me, who keeps letting myself get hurt and who hurts herself Let sleep be the key The key to letting go of the rest of me

You Fed the fire Fueled the flames Blew on the ashes to make it live again What about the embers left When you've stepped away from it I felt it start to die Keep the glow that you've given me Keep the glow I know where you're going I hope you're happy now Touch me once Look at me twice But speak no more Your voice carries too much So many nice you spoke Made me shiver Gave me joy Lay in bed at night Different man every other month Doesn't seem right Doesn't matter I'm still alone Watching them lay there It's not right They're not him It hurts I'm happy he's gone I'm happy he's happy I pray to God she's good for you I pray to God she treats you right I pray to God she's the one But you know if she's not I'll pick up the pieces for you when she's gone... I care too much to see you hurt I care too much to see you like that Take care I'll be here Just not like how I have been before... Say goodbye to the woman you know Say hello to the friend you'll know all too well

Can't take it This life's to short Don't want it This life to be that long I'm falling Falling so fast No way to break my fall I don't want to feel this I don't want to think this I know what's going on I'm not as stupid as you think You can't let me go on like this How dare you How dare you Want to be cut open Want to know what it feels like For someone to know me inside and out People think they do But we all know they don't Break me Shake me Cake me with all this shame Aware of what I've done and when as well I Can't take this Too much stress I way too overwhelmed I'm told I shouldn't be How can I not be? This isn't my life that I lead But someone elses instead Where's my life Where's my chance to lead it Where's my life?

I was thinking back on my life... and this is what came back... it does have a musical accumpaniment... Just got to write it all down lol.. like I said it's a work in progress... not that good if you ask me... but yeah... these past two years have been the hardest on me.. Why me Why now Why all these things I can't have These things I know are wrong I know I can't have them at all Why me Why now I don't want much Not that much at all Just a little family far away Far from all I've every known a little piece of happiness Is that so much to ask for at all Why me Why now Why this man I know I can not have He's so good So good to me He's got the love of his family So why me Why now Don't just give me alittle taste And then take it all away It's so nice To just be held To know you're wanted Just to know your're needed So why me Why now I seemed so close to everything I've always wanted I push to hard To say hello smile hun, it'll be okay I don't ask much not that much at all I'll just smile Pretend I'm okay Even though we know I'm not But it's all right You just smile, please Cause it gives me joy To know you're happy where you are Lord Why me Why now Why this life you gave me I've made it into nothing at all I try To do my best With everything I have Still it doesn't seem to be enough Why me Why now Whyt this time I want my heart to stay numb Numb to all of these things that I can not have Let me have my walls Let me keep myself from everyone So I know that I'll be okay...

Well I'm not sure what to say All I know is that I don't want you to go away Whether it be just as friends or otherwise Just as friends is what we wanted I'm not sure why things are going the way they are I'm not sure what to think All I know is that It hurts to not hear a hello I'm not even sure what to do All I know is that I pray about you I pray that things will be fine I pray that things for you will be okay I pray that you find happiness and not push me away I'm sorry if I said something wrong Or if I did something bad I dont know, I don't know I still think what I think and do what I do No matter what I'm still going to think the same about you Friends are fine Treat me like a friend Don't ignore me when you have the chance to say hi Don't fight whatever it is unless it's a good fight.. I'm not sure if I want to think about you I'm not sure if I want to even look at a picture of you It hurts, I'm not going to lie, Makes me want to just hide... Hide from it all Hide from myself Hide from you But I can't and I don't But I know you are you can't deny it I know you better than you know yourself you know that dear. I'm not sure what's going to happen between you and her I just know I want you to be happy Be happy Is that too much to ask A hello tossed in there would be nice But I'm not sure where your brain is tonight...

Let it go Just let it go Watch me fly away from all the shit in my life Watch me smile Watch me laugh Watch me not see that knife in my back Let me hide Please don't see All the pain that's inside me I know it's ugly As am I It makes me bitter Fills me with Hatred And all this I try to hide Don't let me look Don't let me see Don't give me a reason to see me I don't want to relive all this shit that has happend to me I want to go To run away I don't want to do it alone I always do I'm tired of it But I'm not strong enough to stay and fight I'm tired of dealing I'm tired of dealing I do it once more Everyday It gets a little eaiser I'm not really dealing like I'm supposed to be I try to pull away Every single day Doesn't work I get pulled in I want to make him feel better than I do... Let me sigh Let me plead You let me do these things You let me be me It's a scarey thought You know me being me Don't know if I want to do it Not sure how it'll be...

I want to hide I'm not good enough Not even for him He kept telling me to see other people And then he wanted me "It hurts me every day you're not here" So you hurt me more You're saying it's not even good enough that I've been here for you I've been here when you needed me "I think it would be best I know I sound cold And I'm sorry but this isn't working" I have been trying so hard I didn't tell him about anything wrong Told him only about good things to keep him feeling good He's out at sea... I told him I'm sorry I've been trying my heardest He says " no I'm not trying hard enough." "don't be sorry I should be sorry" "and I'm sorry I think we should just stay friends" What am I? A trade around doll??? I'm not good enough for anyone?! I guess that's true now I have another reason to go away...