Jewels Eyes's blog: "Letters to Richard"

Dear Richie,

Here I am, writing to you once again.  Isn't it crazy how you are still the person I write to for advice and comfort?  I guess you could say I still have a bit of Hero Worship going on with you.  Even if you aren't fighting to get home anymore, you're still fighting with the demons from your past.  I guess that's why I turn to you, and yet you never see these letters.  I always say I'm going to send them to you, but it never happens. 

I have a question for you, but being me, I won't come out and ask it.  Ok, yes I will.  What is wrong with me?  I mean, other than being totally crazy, seeing things, and having panic attacks if I get stuck in a confined space.  Why do I attract men who want either just sex, or they want a wife to make them feel good about themselves.  I have no problem making my man feel amazing.  I love to make him feel like the only man in the world.  I delight in seeing his chest puff up in pride, I love letting him know that he is super-man in my eyes.  But... why don't they return the feeling?  Why is it that I must always make them feel good about themselves, but if I even begin to hint at needing something different from them then they are giving, they blow up?

This last time around, Richie, I honestly thought I had it right with RSS.  He was amazing, he was caring, he was kind, he listened to me, he told me he would do anything to make me happy.  He lied.  I spent 8 months with him, I gave so much of myself to him, and he lied.  He said he would do anything to make me happy.  I told him I wasn't ready to get married when he was, and that I needed another year at least.  He got upset but he tried to contain it.  Next thing I know, we aren't talking really anymore and the guys around me start closing in like hounds from hell.  I am being told that RSS only wants 1 thing and he won't actually try to make me happy if I ask him.  I tell the guys around me that they are wrong.  I tell my family that RSS would do anything for me.  Then things got even worse.  He's not talking to me much, I close in on myself to try and keep from getting hurt, and I end up kissing another guy because I get so lonely.  That's as far as it went, but it tore me apart to have done that when I was with RSS.

I told him about it Richie.  I told him what happened and he said he wanted to try and work things out, but he would need complete and open communication.  Anything that was bothering me, he told me to tell him about it.  He told me that when I get lonely, I needed to tell him.  So I did.  Every 15 - 30 minutes I would send him a text telling him how lonely I was.  I told him every time it crossed my mind that it bothered me that he wasn't willing to even think about moving up here for me, but he found it perfectly fine to make me uproot my entire life to move to him.  I told him I hated how I didn't have the funds to do what he wanted me to do, but mostly, I told him how excruciatingly lonely I was.  I told him how I hated him being so far away all the time.  I told him all of this whenever it crossed my mind, because he told me to.

It took him 3 days before he finally said we should probably break it off.  I didn't stop him.

I have been told that equality is essential in a marriage.  I know you were raised with the same morals and values I have been.  I don't know if you have kept them, and honestly, if you haven't, I don't want to hear about it.  But is it too much to ask for to have someone who will be willing to do what they ask me to do?  I didn't think it was, but maybe I am too progressive.  Maybe I should just settle for a man who admires my looks, but not the fact that I'm a genius, not the fact that I am passionate about life, not about the fact that I can love like no other, not the fact that I put everything I have into my relationships, not the fact that I will always be faithful, not the fact that I can't lie, not the fact that I will make things happen if it's what my man wants.  No, I should just settle for feeling like a common whore because I was born with a fast metabolism and strawberry blond hair.  That's all I am good for it seems, is sex.  Do guys care that I am funny?  Do guys care that I think for myself?  No.  When they see that I have a temper or that I fight back, they say they will dominate me.

It wasn't like this before Mike.  Rape.  It changes your life in a way no one can understand.  Fuck it all.  I hate Mike and Nate.

Richie, can we travel the world together?  Just run away from our pasts?  Wouldn't that be fun?  You know you were my favorite, and you were the best thing that happened to me.  Without you, I never would have left Nate. 

Hugs and Kisses on the cheek,

Me