Hubby finds a shoe box under the bed with a large sum of cash and two eggs. He askes "Honey, what does this box mean?" She replies, "Well, you will have to wait until our anniversary." After days of nagging, the big day comes and he runs downstairs to his wife and asks excitedl, "Well, will you explain the meaning?" Well, the two eggs represent the bad sex he had given her. Boastfully, he proclaims "WOW! Two eggs in 50 years ain't bad." Wife replies "I was selling the eggs 50 cents a dozen."
1. I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.
2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.
3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to "nap" when I was younger.
4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.
5. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?
6. Was learning cursive really necessary?
7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on # 5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.
8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.
9. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.
10. Bad decisions make good stories.
11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.
12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection...again.
13. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I did not make any changes to.
14. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.
15. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.
16. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lite than Kay.
17. I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.
18. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.
19. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said?
20. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters!
21. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.
22. Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.
23. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time.
24. The first testicular guard, the "Cup", was used in Hockey in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974. That means it only took 100 years for men to realize that their brain is also important. PRICELESS!!!
So...there's this 33 y/o woman that's never been married, never had kids and still lives with her parents. One day, her mom walks in on her as she's getting herself off with a toy. "OMG what are you doing in my house?".."Mom, I'm 33, never married and I live with you guys. Leave me be with my privacy, and please, knock next time." A few days later, her dad walks in on her doing the same thing. "What are you doing?!?!" "Dad, I'm 33, never married and I live with you guys. Please let me have my privacy!!" She and her mom go out shopping and come back one day to find her dad sitting on the couch with her vibrator on the table in front of him flopping around. "DAD?!?!?!?! What are you doing?!?!!" "I'm spending time with my son-in-law. Do you mind?"
I'm tired of the lies
I'm tired of all the knives
Enough of your games
It's time to grow up
Learn to live real lives
Don't cover up the bullshit
Don't tell me you don't despise
Keep telling yourself it's true
Wear it all down and
Maybe one day you'll realize
I'm tired of all the Hell
I'm tired of emotional wear
Maybe you'll pull your head from your ass
Doubtful I am, but hopeful
To you I was only a fare
No more misleading
No more disguise
It's time to turn the lights on
Wake up before you see
It's nothing but a bunch of lies
I'm tired of the hate
I'm tired of the anger
So until the one I knew
Awakens and returns
I bid a fond adieu
"Some mornings I get up early, fix myself a nice cup of coffee and sit next to the window, watching the dawn break across the slightly-shaggy lawn. Watch the birds flit from tree to tree, the squirrels bounce from limb to limb. Watch the neighborhood cats wake and stretch and begin their day.
I sit and remember people from my past, my present. People who have touched my life in a particular way, left their mark on my memory.
And I think, “Why the unholy fuck aren’t you assholes dead yet? Do I have to do everything myself around here?”
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I believe God meant for us to be together, because He knew how good we would be for each other. I think that's why our relationship happened so naturally and has been so good ever since. We share a blessing of knowing that somebody will always be there for each of us. To encourage each of us and give one another hope, or to simply sit and listen with understanding. Success for one of us brings happiness to both of us. And problems seem much less overwhelming when divided in two.
I love you Baby.
You're My Rib!!!
Today....today has been unusually pleasant, and yet not. It's my 2 year anniversay with my man, and he's still in jail. Woke up and tended to my kids as normal...nothing different there. My buddy JB comes over to do his laundry and eat dinner with us...again, nothing different there. My baby calls me and seems excitable...not in a good way, but not in a bad way. HE GOT HIS PAROLE PAPERS TO FILL OUT!!!!! Possibility of him coming home in August/September :D So I was obviously very excited over this. Then his mother calls to tell me a show about young killers was on TV and to tell me to stop by before work. My past flashed before my eyes...not so good. Talk about emotional explosion to the mind. Anyway, I go over to her house and sit to talk to her about the whole parole situation. She gets up and goes to her room and comes out with this gift bag. Inside is this GORGEOUS wall-art about love and a card. Even in prison, and he can STILL surprise me and light up my world.
"With you by my side, everything in the world seems better. Good things are twice as much fun beause when I share them with you, I get to see you smile...Bad things are only half as bad because I know I can count on you to help me through them. With you to hold my hand, I know that I have someone who sees life a lot like I do, someone who shares the same values, dreams the same dreams...I know that I have someone who understand the parts of me that other people don't even know exist. With you in my life, I know that I have everything anyone could ever want - someone who's understanding and supportive, who's fun and interesting...someone I love who also happens to be my best friend."
Just a small rant...
I FUCKING HATE WOMEN. Seriously, how the hell can it be so goddamned hard to be true to a man? How the FUCK can it be so hard to appreciate when you have a good man? Then your stupid ass hurts him and wonders why you can't GET a good man. Gee you dumb cunt. I wonder why. And it's whores like yourselves that make it difficult for those of us who ARE good women to be believed. We (women) complained for so long that we were abused and treated unfairly. Well, now that we have the chance to get somewhere with what we strived so hard to get, you think it's time to play games and fuck with the few good men that are out there. If you're a bitch that likes to play mind games, can't decide what you want, or something to that effect, do the gender a HUGE favor and go fuck your gigantic slut-hole with a broken, rusted, metal baseball bat!
Okay...so I'm not exactly supposed to speak ill of the woman that brought me into this world. I shouldn't hold any anger towards her...right? Well it's not working out that way. I swear, I'm about 2 steps from just going off on her, getting my shit and living in the streets with my boys until I can get a new home. Why? Because it's okay for them to "move in as roommates" and just flat take-over the house when I was paying $600 a month plus groceries to live there. So I stopped paying them $600 a month for two bedrooms and a backyard (for my dogs since the step-father won't let them stay in without flea medication...which I can't afford). I pay $200 plus an extra $100 throughout the month. I pretty much pay as if I was living in a hotel. Except that I don't get treated like anything but an annoying red-headed step-child with kids. I gave my mother $30 of my last $45, and what did I hear in return? A thank you, but that's just not enough? No. No thanks at all. All I get is "well, I'm just trying to keep everything going." and grouchy attitude. Now, I don't think we HAVE to have cable tv or internet. Those are extras...not necessities. She can afford to continuously feed her extremely overweight self with all the cookies and cakes and junk she does NOT need, but will not buy cereal or pop tarts for my kids' breakfast when I give them money. And I shouldn't be mad that she's ungrateful for keeping $10 of my own money when she can't even manage hers? It's MY fault that they're filing bankruptcy? No. Sorry that you have to file for a SECOND time in your life, Mother, but MAYBE you should consider seeking financial counselling.
Yeah, I couldn't afford to keep my own home by myself. Why is this? Because my child support stopped coming in. I had no help. And I'm sorry, but paying $600 a month plus utilities and groceries and whatever else the world decides to throw at me, is not something I can do on a $14 an hour salary. I NEED help, and my resources were seriously tapped out. No more roommates. No more child support. What was I supposed to do? Now I have to suffer her. God....help me get out of this. I just want to live in my own home and not have to live under the thumb of a control freak.
LEO - The Cool One
Nice to everyone they meet. Their Love is one of a kind. Silly, Fun and sexy. Have own unique appeal. Most caring person you'll ever meet! however not the kind of person you wanna mess with... u might end up crying... 9 years of bad luck if you do not repost.
CANCER - The Smart One.
Trustworthy. Attractive. Great kisser. One of a kind. Loves being In long-term relationships. Extremely energetic. Unpredictable. Will exceed your expectations. Not a Fighter, But will Knock your lights out. 2 years of bad luck if you do not repost.
ARIES- The Irresistible One
This Love is one of a kind. Great listeners Very Good in bed... Lover not a fighter, but will still knock you out. Trustworthy. Always happy. Loud. Talkative. Outgoing VERY FORGIVING. Loves to make out. Has a beautiful smile. Generous. Strong. THE MOST IRRESISTIBLE. 9 years of bad luck if you do not repost.
SAGITTARIUS-THE SUPERIOR SEXUAL PARTNER
Love to bust. Nice. Sassy. Intelligent. EXTREMELY SEXY. Predict future. Irresistible. Loves being in long relationships. Has lots of friends. Great talker. Always gets what he or she wants. Also not a fighter, but if they have to, they will also knock the lights out of you if it comes down to it..Cool. Loves to own Geminis' in sports. Extremely fun. Loves to joke. Smart. 24 years of bad luck if you do not repost.
TAURUS- The Aggresive One
MOST AMAZING KISSER. Very high appeal. Love is one of a kind. Very romantic. Most caring person you will ever meet! Entirely creative. Extremely random and proud of it. Freak. Spontaneous. Great at telling Stories. Not a Fighter, But will Knock your lights out if it comes down to it. Someone you should hold on to. 12 years of bad luck if you do not repost.
LIBRA - The Partner for Life
Caring and kind. Smart. Center of attention. High appeal. Has the last word. Good to find, hard to keep. Fun to be around. Extremely weird but in a good way. Good Sense of Humor!!! Thoughtful. Always gets what he or she wants. Loves to joke. Very popular. Silly, fun and sweet. 5 years of bad luck if you do not repost.
CAPRICORN - The One that Waits
Dominant in relationships. Someone loves them right now. Always Wants the last word. Caring. Smart.Sweet. Loud. Loyal. Beautiful. Goofy. Easy to talk to. Everything you ever wanted. Easy to please.Loves to smile.Beautiful laugh.Patient.Cautios.Bit of naughy.The one and only. 7 Years of bad luck if you do not repost.
SCORPIO - The Gorgeous One
Loves being in long relationships. Likes to give a good fight for what they want. Extremely outgoing. Loves to help people in times of need. Best kisser. Good personality. Stubborn. Amazing in bed. A caring person. One of a kind.Gorgeous Smile.Not one to mess with. Are the most attractive people on earth! 15 years of bad luck if you do not
VIRGO- The Promiscuous One
Spontaneous. High appeal. Rare to find. Great when found. Loves being in long relationships. So much love to give. Not one to mess with. Very pretty. Very romantic. Nice to everyone they meet. Their Love is one of a kind. Silly, fun and sweet. Have own unique appeal. Most caring person you will ever meet! Amazing in the you know where..!!! Not the kind of person you wanna mess
GEMINI - The Liar
Outgoing. Lovable. Spontaneous. Not one to mess with. Funny. Excellent kisser EXTREMELY adorable. Loves relationships,
Addictive. Loud. 16 years of bad luck if you do not repost
AQUARIUS - The Slut
Great talker. Attractive and passionate. Laid back. Knows how to Have fun. Is really good at almost anything. Great kisser. Unpredictable. Outgoing. Down to earth. Addictive. Attractive. Loud. Loves being in long relationships. Talkative. Not one to mess with. Rare to find. Good when found. 7 years of bad luck if you do not repost.
PISCES - The Addict
EXTREMELY adorable. Intelligent. Loves to joke. Very Good sense of humor. Energetic. Predict future. GREAT kisser. Always get what they want. Attractive. Easy going. Loves being in long relationship. Talkative. Romantic. Caring. 4 years of bad luck if you do not repost.