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Fast-Dumb Zombie
Type Undead
Very high speed (Sprinting)
Extremely low intelligence
Weapon of Choice Biting to turn others into Zombies, Eating Your brains, outrunning you
These are somewhat trickier. While they still just go in a straight line towards you, they are able to run like fucking tri-athletes. These zombies are caused by, what scientists call, "Mysterious Forces" that randomly beset people and cause them to desire eating human flesh (especially Brains.) But they are as dumb as the Slow-Dumb zombie, and doing something like shutting a door in front of them will baffle them.
Trying to outrun Fast-Dumb Zombies is almost a sure fire way of being killed, as not only are these Zombies able to run at superhuman speeds, but they have unlimited stamina. So even if you managed to run fast enough not to get caught, the moment you run out of puff, you are a goner. Fast-Dumb Zombies tend to gather in ever-growing swarms around whomever they are attacking, so don't ever be lulled into a false sense of security thinking there are only a few.
To defeat zombies such as this, it is best to get to a high place, block any easy entrances, and start chucking solid projectiles such as rocks. When you run out of rocks, break out a semi-automatic of some sort.
The best way to slaughter these muthas is an angry black man with a shotgun. Failing that, a nuclear weapon will suffice.
See the documentary, "Dawn of the Dead" for information on this type of zombie.
Slow-Smart Zombie
Type Undead Student
Caused by Extreme lack of coffee, and general unpleasant activities.
Killed By Decapitation
Stats Low strength
High speed (Running)
High intelligence
MacGyvering
Weapon of Choice Outsmarting you, trapping you and MacGyvering you.
This type of zombie is one of the more dangerous ones, seeing as they have aquired a great amount of knowledge through extra curricular activities, such as reading. What this means for you survival is simple: Stay away, they will find methods of MacGyvering your ass! Given half a chance they can make everthing from coffee (which is another thing they crave in addition to brains) to deadly weapons given a bag of peas.
Ways of dealing with this kind of zombie: 1. Do not expect to be able to run away (seeing as they are starving and you have two things they want, coffee and a brain, they will go after you in a close to light speed) 2. As to counter point 1. you should always carry at least one of the two things they want in order to act as bait, carrying a spare brain might cause unwanted attetion to yourself so Id suggest a lot of coffee would be the way to go. 3. If all else fails as a last resort you could try throwing books, these zombies are notorious for their knowledge and who knows they might just sit down and read some (if you're lucky).
Let's say you're walking along minding your own damn business one night when suddenly out of nowhere, a Zombie pops out and has the audacity to try and assault you. What is it you are supposed to do in this situation? You could run, but how do you know for how long, where to, and how fast? You could fight, but how do you know what to fight with, where to strike and how hard? You could plead, but how would you know if this Zombie has the capacity to understand what you are saying? You could play dead, but then you’d just get killed.
Unfortunately there is no single answer to this question, as there are many different kinds of Zombies with just as many different methods of dealing with them. There are several varieties of the typical garden variety zombie, depending on what caused the people to become zombies, they may show different varieties of physical and mental strength, and naturally, the tactics used to fight each variant differ accordingly.
Luckily for you I found this list of the different kinds of Zombies you are likely to come across in your day to day life. With this handy list, you will be able to immediately spot the kind of Zombies you are against, and how to act consequently.
For todays lesson we will start off with....
Slow-Dumb Zombie
Possibly the most common and well known variety of zombie, as well as the easiest to defeat. They are unable to move quickly, and are not smart enough to do anything other than walk(well, shamble) towards the nearest human they can detect. What causes these zombies to form is disputed, but leading authorities in zombification literature believes that it is caused by zombie monkeys, and what causes them is unknown. Most of the time, you could survive an attack by them simply by walking away somewhat quickly. The only time you may really need to destroy these zombies is if you are really bored. Unfortunately, somehow the rest of the world is so stupid that by the end of the movie there will be an overwhelming number of these things trying to get into your safe house, and your only hope is an impromptu rescue by the surviving members of the Jesus Society of Free Love.
These Zombies are ridiculously easy to defeat. How they manage to take over the world in the "Dead" series we will never know. Even though they can only be killed with damage to their brain, all you have to do is walk up to it and shoot it in the face at point blank range, and unless it somehow takes you more then a minute to do that, the zombie can not possibly have time to get you. If you don't have a gun, some kind of blade, pointy object, or even a blunt cudgel of some kind will just as easily suffice. Hell, you could punch one of these zombies to death if you really wanted too. And if it does take you more than a minute to merely lift your arm and pull the trigger, odds are you are probably a Slow-Dumb zombie too. A bite from one of these zombies will take hours if not all day to change you into a zombie, giving you plenty of time to see a doctor and/or seek your revenge on the Zombie that bit you.
The best weapon for combating this breed of pesky and totally retarded undead is anything which has comedy value, i.e. Pump-action-frying-pan, the pope's flower pot (the plant being fed on holy water will cause some sort of fun effect), hiring a samurai to beat the zombies to death with a fish, lawnmower with spray tube... and so on. The US army has been training for the zombie apocalypse by using the ultra realistic zombie apocalypse simulator Dead Rising, a civilian simulator titled Left 4 Dead is also available.
For more fun regarding Slow-Dumb zombies, view the documentary Shaun of the Dead.
Hey if you cannot get away from one of these zombies you should have already been dead and if you do not know how to kill one of them you should just lie down in the middle of the street and either let a zombie kill you or just get hit by a car it will hurt a lot less and you will not turn unless you have been dead before the zombie attacks.............................
PhillyBurbs Special Sections
Once again, thanks to the new millenial zombie, we've got to take a good, hard second look at our advice to those who find themselves in the center of a zombie swarm.
It's important to represent both sides - the quick and the dead and the good ol' shamblers - in order to optimize your choices if in fact you find yourself in the middle of a crew intent on eating your face. So, let's start right off with the obvious:
What's eating you? Are you dealing with the tottering old school voodoo zombie, or the new and improved "Olympus 2000" version? Define your enemy, and act appropriately as per below.
The Fast facts on Fast Zombies
I start with these guys, because if you're out there with shamblers, you probably have enough time to read through. Consider it triage for the human Triscuit.
1) Waste Gas. There's no way a fat little hamster like you is going to be able to outrun a couple hundred frothing, sprinting chowhounds. Even more importantly, there's no need. During a zombie swarm, there's an incredible drop in the surplus population, and the economy goes all to hell - this means incredible gas reserves for you, all at the five finger discount. It becomes a drive-thru world. Need food? Get to your supermarket; drive thru. Need clothes? There's The Gap - drive thru. A really top-flight, smart zombie survivor will actually be able to gain weight during a sustained attack through lack of exercise. Happy motoring!
2) Built Ram Tough. Once again, we come back to the state of the union, and the sudden availability of free consumer goods. You may pass by that Ferrari dealership, or that cherry Corvette you always wanted - pretty, but they won't take the pounding of multiple bodies bouncing off the bonnet and ramming speed at the 7-11 will leave you bloody and stranded. Your best steal is a nice, healthy SUV or Hummer. High up, to keep the bodies from bouncing off the glass, extra strength in the bumper and frame, and a great six-speaker stero system to boot. Sure, it's a survivalist emergency, but why not travel in style?
3) I love the smell of napalm in the morning. There was a time when you could stand tall and pick zombies off at your leisure. Those days are gone now - and thanks to federal regulation, you're not allowed to buy automatic weapons. So it's time to cook up some mass-mischief to help thin the herd in a zombie swarm. Burning is good. Blowing up is good too. I hear you can find a lot of evil instructions out here on the net - start cookin'.
4) You're in the Army now. Your first stop, after acquiring your shiny SUV, should be to boogie down to your nearest army base. If they're alive, there you go. Safe and sound. (Just remember they turn into mad horn-dogs after a couple of months - don't wear out your welcome. Or heat it up...) If not - hey - there's your stash of automatic weapons, right there. The zombie army guys aren't using 'em. In fact, they don't march anymore, karate anymore, and frankly, zombie Army guys punch like sissies. K.P. the base of undead uniformed meat-monkeys and stock up on round after round of 2nd Amendment goodness. No guilt - all zombies have suspected links to Al-Quida. The president said so, and the Secretary of Defense showed me sattelite photos that proved it.
5) Get outta Dodge. It's tough to be a saint in the city of the dead - time to go Green Acres. Beautiful sunsets. Mountains. Lakes. No humans around means no meat puppets to avoid. Summer in your cottage in Yellowstone; winter in the painted desert. Or, if you have some time to kill (heh), take a couple of seasons and clean yourself off a Florida Key, or a comfy little island in the Bahamas. Water remains a safe boundry against decomposing bone-biters.
There goes your major instructions, guys. Several of the instructions below are applicable as well; print 'em out and read 'em on the lam. Good luck, and if you ever get down Tahiti way, look me up.
The Details on Old School Zombies
Hey there. How ya doin'? Sitting comfortably? Good. I understand you have a shuffler problem. Tough break. Well, we've had several years to work on this one, so the good news is we've got plenty of handy information and advice for you, and at least you aren't being attacked by rabid spastic track stars like the folks above. No offense, but frankly, if you can't make it past these guys, you just don't deserve to make it. Let's get started, shall we?
We'll start off with a new entry by Mac X, who offers a completely reasonable suggestion:
Check before you panic
911 and other supernatural agencies get swarmed each year with many supposed zombie invasions. Even if they smell bad, have missing appendages, look dazedly around, or try to bite you, please answer the following questions:
1. Is there loud noise that might have a vague semblance to music?
2. Is there a large pit where they seem to gather
3. Do the "zombies" all appear to be under 30?
4. Do they wear spikes and outrageous hairstyles?
5. Do the zombies appear to be arriving from all over instead of clawing themselves up out of the earth?
6. Are there strange little pills on the ground?
If you answered yes to any of these questions there is a high probability that you have a Rave on your hands and not an actual zombie infestation. Please do not shoot the ravers, tell them them there is no beer and that the woofer in your car is broken and they should go away.
1) Don't slow dance with them. Don't let them whisper in your ear, even if they say they want to tell you a secret. Don't look down if one tells you your shoelace is untied.
2) Offer them corn chips. Bugles are OK too, as are Triscuits and goldfish. It's the salt, you see - according to voodoun legend, if a zombie tastes salt, it will return to the grave. At the very worst, work yourself up a good coat of sweat, and take the bugger with you if he gets a bite in.
3) Arm yourself. The worst thing you can do is screech girlishly and throw your arms up over your face - that's the zombie equivalent of offering them a turkey leg.
4) Touch them with a 10- foot pole. If you can't find a handy bazooka, you can always use a good sized whompin' stick, until something better comes along. Avoid allowing them to invade your personal space at all costs.
5) It's all in their heads. It seems to be a universal truth that you can drop a zombie by scrambling their eggs for them. Become little bunny foo-foo, and live.
6) Find an American island. American zombies have serious hydrophobia, so you're pretty safe as long as nobody washes up on shore. Italian zombies, on the other hand, enjoy watersports, so be warned.
7) If it's dead and laying still, kill it again. One can never be too sure about these things, and zombies are notorious ankle biters.
8) Klatuu Barada Nicto. Learn it. Know it. Use it properly.
9) I don't care if it's your grandma. If it's decomposing and shambling, you probably don't want to give it a hug. Well ... if it's DEAD, decomposing and shambling, anyway. Brothers, sisters, fathers, mothers, lovers - if they're zombies, they just want to put the bite on you for lunch. Don't pick up the tab.
10) Zombie Shark Repellent: According to the unquestioned geek king of the supernatural, Gary Gygax, zombies can be harmed by, or even destroyed by, healing them. So logically, a good-sized can of Bactine should stand you in good stead.
11) Run for your lives!!! Linds from AOL points out that sometimes discretion is oftimes the better part of valor. Become fast food!
12) Dawn of the Dead Redux: Emma suggests, "hide up in your attic with food and water aplenty (good idea to get this done in advance). If a zombie pops his head up use a machete to lop its head off !!!!!!!"
13) Mickey Dismantle: Brendan posits: "Give it a good crack with a baseball bat. He can't chase you with his head over in left field."
14) Head Out: Black Rose reminds you that "When you have either a gun/shotgun/bowgun/magnum, or even at least a staff of some sort. aim for the head, not the body."
15) Resident Instep: Ian straps on his boots with: "If you dont know if the Zombies dead, then it's HEAD STOMPIN' TIME!"
16) Wide Open Spaces: Tumbletail saves your bacon with this tip: "Always do your Dead wholloping in an open well-lit space. Avoid dark alleys, basements and dim corridors as well as cabins deep in the woods. (Flyboy in "Dawn of the Dead almost bought it in the utilities area)
17) Chainsaw Massacre! PrincessChiva pulls the ripcord with: "No matter what weapon you have its always best to carry a handy chainsaw just in case bullets have no effect brrrrrrrrrrrmmmmm........Come get some!"
18) The Fulci Amendment: Shawn Howlett adds some advice for the Italians: "Black Rose is right, go for the head, not the body, unless you're in a Fulci movie, where it's an unwritten law that a zombie must take a thousand hits in the body and arms before the guy with the gun gets smart enough to hit it in the head!"
19) Give the boy a hand: Ian Brettell reminds us of the Kandarian exception: "Even if you're not standing next to them you can suffer. Possession is a bad thing to happen! (i.e. Evil Dead 2's 2 scenes with Ash as a zombie and the classic GIVE ME BACK MY HAND) Possession tends to lose effect in light areas (Sunlight) or sad/painful memories.
20) The eyes have it: Ouch - Fulci-like thoughts from Stevie M: "When confronted with zombies, try to take out their eyes with a long range handgun shot. They will then wander around aimlessly thus allowing ample time to be dispatched in whatever traditional method is decided upon."
21) The buddy system: Kurby1400 warns of a common method of zombie attack: "One thing about zombies is they will attack in pairs so if your with some people stay all together never split up and take shelter but stay away from dark areas."
22) Seldom is heard an encouraging word: Another from kurby1400: "If you get bit by a zombie you might as well kill yourself, because you are going to die any way and go through a lot of pain."
23) Aloha!: "Book a one-way flight to Hawaii, and don't look back!"
24) Kaboom: An explosive reply from The Mercenary: "I say that explosives are always a good snack for those dumb zombies. Just line explosives about 30 feet away from your hide-out and set up trip wires so when those zombies try to come knocking on your door, their head and a few other peices of their body will be the only thing left of them. + it's fun to watch ;)"
25) Zombie Critters: Scott Norton speaks up for our four-footed friends: "Don't go back for the cat. The cat can probably avoid zombies better than you can. However, the movie "Dracula's Dog" suggests that this advice is only appropriate for zombies, and not for all undead."
26) Hot Stuff: Jeff Russell is into undead flambé: "Zombies are flammable, but burning them agitates them into a fiery stumbling dance routine. Give yourself a good distance and don't try to roast marshmallows."
27) Hot Stuff 2: Hyperwolf helpfully adds, "An important fact when it comes to zombies is that they like to gather in large foot-shuffling groups. This is where you need to take advantage of zombie mob mentality. If you can get your hands on a nice flamethrower, (or just a gas can and a Zippo will do) it's time to have yourself a big ol' zombieque!
28) Tackle your problems: Martha Montgomery suggests the old red-dog: "Zombies are not ninja, so if you have no weapons just dive at his legs to knock him downs then stomp in his head or run like hell."
29) Lousy Shields: Anna P. brings some sense into play, noting, "Tom Savini's character, Blades, in Dawn of the Dead proved that zombies do not make very good shields. Poor Blades."
30) The Pain... The Pain...: Strogi suggests; "Remember, you're in it deep. Pluck up the courage, hide the cat, muffle your ears and then play Spice Girls. If this doesn't work, then ur screwed."
31) Lone Wolfin' it: CyberRider has room for #1 in his advice: "If you want to have a fighting chance against a zombie, avoid anyone who doesn't have common sense, just lost their brother, sister or any family member, or thinks they're always right."
32) Yeah ... OK. Don't bogart that joint ...: In all of its insane glory, a nice story by Craig Black. Gives you an Idea of the stuff I get in my email. ~Sigh~ "My friend was staying overnight at my house and we heard a noise down stairs, so we checked it out. My dad was standing in the kitchen holding a knife at us. My cat ran in the kitchen and my dad chopped its head off and bit into its neck .He ate the whole corps and then he was fine. He just went back to bed and in the morning he didn't remember a thing."
34) Special Delivery: A great idea by stu; I wonder if I could use this on Jehovah's Witnesses?: "Well here's my story ... so your sitting in your room and you smell some sick smell and hear a band at the window or door downstairs. U look out the window and u see a few butt-ugly freaks hitting your door....what do you do??... easy, get any gun and put the muzzle of the gun threw the letter box and let rip......this will attract more ugly zombies to the door because your behind it...so make sure you have plenty of ammo."
35) Ghoul Cool: Neo suggests a staple for action survival: "Always use one liners (i.e., 'Yo, She Bitch - Lets Go.') it worked for Ash in evil dead 3 and makes you cool at the same time."
36) Set a Buffet: Nathan suggests slowing the beasties down by providing them with a diet alternative: "Zombies will eat any dead corpse even if it is a dead body that was once a zombie. Also if you are setting a trap with a dead zombie make sure no "still walking zombies" are around because zombies tend to go for the living meat.
37) Making friends: Ant suggests a more new-age approach to survival: "Stick by your friends. Especially if they move slower than you. At this point, its all about you. On a side note, don't look a gift zombie in the mouth. If you manage be befriend one of the buggers, use him, her, or it to your advantage."
38) If you can't beat 'em... Jenny has a unique approach to the situation: "Pretend to be a zombie yourself by moaning, dribbling and walking like a drunk baby."
39) The SCREAM rules for zombies: jaydogg2088 lays 'em out: "If you are a guy, you are dead. If you are a very good looking girl, you are dead. If you are naked, your dead. If you have sex, you are dead. If you have the choice of running up stairs or going out side, (with light zombie action), go for the latter. And remember, if you do run, and you will, you ARE going to trip."
40) Send More Brains! Matt Palmer reminds us of the lessons learned in 'Return of the Living Dead': "Do not call for police during zombie attacks. They will simple kill them, and use the CB radio to get more police for food. Never give a zombie a mobile phone either, it will likely call every pizza man in town and make an undead army of them."
50) Houseguests: A feller with the prosaic pen-name of B. Moniker suggests you remember proper zombie etiquette: "NEVER, and I mean NEVER try to hide zombies in your own house!!! (eg. Dead Alive) They will fight, break things, banter on incessantly and constantly pick on you. The worst kind of dysfunctional family to have, a bunch of damned dirty undead people! On the other hand, should one bite or scratch you (you becoming a staggering, incoherent idiot), I believe that you can be considered legally handicapped! Think of all the nice parking!"
51) The Scott Pauly Unexpurgated Guide to Zombie Survival! Now here's a feller who's done some serious thinking about the subject. I present it here in total:
"First off if you see a zombie and think you can run away, congrats on being dumb! If you see a zombie I guarantee you will be seeing more of them very soon. They spread quicker than Jar-Jar hatred due to the surprisingly large number of stupid people. Here's the low-down:
Have a car at the ready with a trunk full of zombie killing goodness. Trunk should include at least one of the following:
* Handgun preferably something with a lot of impact, if its a choice between high caliber and number of rounds, go with something that will tear the head off rather then just creating small holes which the zombie will use for increased speed due to wind resistance no longer playing a factor.......speed hole zombies.
* Shotgun, regular long neck or sawed off, just be sure you can hold and shoot it without falling over. For those of you who can't aim.
* Extra Ammo, we have all seen it. Some guy doing really well, that is until you here the click click. Side point, don't throw the gun at a zombie. They don't feel it anyway. hang on to it and maybe if you live long enough you can have a nice reminder.
* Something you don't see too often. Get yourself a nice sword. Even a cheap knock off will do. Just something you can swing fast and not hurt yourself. No chainsaws. They are heavy and not very gas efficient. Sorry Evil Dead fans, but hey, none of us are Bruce Cambell enough to pull that off.
Now that you have a nice anti-zombie kit, put something in the car with you. Just in case you get stuck inside and surrounded. You don't deserve this advice if you're dumb enough to get surrounded while inside your car. Try some of these:
* Baseball bat, wooden for that nice crack, or Aluminum for a lovely ping.
* Another Handgun, these are essential for those who want to see the sun again.
Lastly the most important thing to arm yourself with is COMMON SENSE. That's right, its the one thing separating us from them. Think we're better than them. Try sitting at a bus stop in any major city, hard to believe that drooling stinky, festering pile in the corner isn't a zombie, isn't it. If you lack common sense and are prone to saying things like "Ow, that's hot!" or "Where's the last place I remember seeing it." or even "Mouey, me love you! Mesa Jar Jar Binks!" Get some smart friends and hope they don't enact operation human shield when the zombies charge."
- Zombie Monkeys caused the extinction of the dinosaurs.
- Zombie Monkeys are the only reason France is still a country
- Zombie Monkeys created all of the world religions to encourage wars between humans
- Zombie Monkeys can change their appearance to look like any living thing.
- Every boy band in the history of the world has been made up entirely of Zombie Monkeys.
- Advanced as they are, Zombie Monkeys still like to throw feces.
- The Easter Island statues are left over pawns from an ancient game of Monkey Zombie chess.
- Zombie Monkeys control all of the governments of the world.
- There is no known way to kill a Zombie Monkey.
- Zombie Monkeys created reality television.
- Most natural disasters are just covers for massive Zombie Monkey covert actions.
- Surprisingly, Paris Hilton is not a Zombie Monkey.
- Zombie Monkeys faked the moon landing
- Zombie Monkeys killed Steve Irwin because he was getting too close to the truth. Jeff Corwin is actually a Zombie Monkey.
- Zombie Monkeys have the strength of ten men.
- Zombie Monkeys can't get drunk but they do catch a small buzz from creamed corn.
- Zombie Monkeys should not be applied directly to the forehead.
