liverpoolhash69's blog: "You overwhelmingly likely flunkd the sex ed class, if YOU think"

The wife says: You want The wife means: You want The wife says: We need The wife means: I want The wife says: It’s your decision The wife means: The correct decision should be obvious The wife says: Do what you want The wife means: You’ll pay for this later The wife says: We need to talk The wife means: I need to complain The wife says: Sure… go ahead The wife means: I don’t want you to The wife says: I’n not upset The wife means: Of course I’m upset you moron The wife says: You’re … so manly The wife means: You need a shave and sweat a lot The wife says: Be romantic, turn out the lights The wife means: I have flabby thighs. The wife says: This kitchen is so inconvenient The wife means: I want a new house. The wife says: I want new curtains. The wife means: Also carpeting, furniture, and wallpaper! The wife says: I need wedding shoes. The wife means: The other forty pairs are the wrong shade of white. The wife says: Hang the picture there The wife means: No, I mean hang it there! The wife says: I heard a noise The wife means: I noticed you were almost asleep. The wife says: Do you love me? The wife means: I’m going to ask for something expensive. The wife says: How much do you love me? The wife means: I did something today you’re not going to like. The wife says: I’ll be ready in a minute. The wife means: Kick off your shoes and take an hour nap. The wife says: Am I fat? The wife means: Tell me I’m beautiful. The wife says: You have to learn to communicate. The wife means: Just agree with me. The wife says: Are you listening to me? The wife means: [Too late, your doomed.] The wife says: Yes The wife means: No The wife says: No The wife means: No The wife says: Maybe The wife means: No The wife says: I’m sorry The wife means: You’ll be sorry The wife says: Do you like this recipe? The wife means: You better get used to it The wife says: All we’re going to buy is a soap dish The wife means: I’m coming back with enough to fill this place. The wife says: Was that the baby? The wife means: Get out of bed and walk him The wife says: I’m not yelling! The wife means: Yes I am! I think this is important! In answer to the question “What’s wrong?” The wife says: The same old thing. The wife means: Nothing. The wife says: Nothing. The wife means: Everything. The wife says: Nothing, really. The wife means: It’s just that you’re an idiot. The wife says: I don’t want to talk about it. The wife means: I’m still building up steam.

My wife dresses to kill. She also cooks the same way. -Henny Youngman ———————————————————- My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met. -Rodney Dangerfield ———————————————————– A good wife always forgives her husband when she’s wrong. -Milton Berle ———————————————————— I bought my wife a new car. She called and said, “There was water in the carburetor.” I asked her, “Where’s the car?” She replied,” In the lake.” -Henny Youngman ————————————————————– The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret. -Henny Youngman —————————————————————– After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, “You know, I was a fool when I married you.” The husband replied, “Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn’t notice.” —————————————————————- When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her. ————————————————————– I haven’t spoken to my wife in 18 months - I don’t like to interrupt her. ——————————————————— My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate. So I got myself two girlfriends. ——————————————————— A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not to report it since the thief was spending much less than his wife did. ———————————————————– Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is finished. ———————————————————- A little boy asked his father, “Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?” The father replied, “I don’t know son, I’m still paying.” ———————————————————- Young Son: Is it true, Dad, that in some parts of Africa a Man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her? Dad: That happens in every country, son. ——————————————————— Then there was a man who said, “I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; then it was too late. ———————————————————- A man placed an advertisement in the classifieds: “Wife wanted.” The next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same: “You can have mine.” ——————————————————— A woman was telling her friend, “I made my husband a Millionaire.” “And what was he before you married him?” asked the friend. “A billionaire.” she replied. ———————————————————- Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience. ———————————————————- It’s not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems longer. ———————————————————- Losing a wife can be very hard. In my case, it was almost impossible. —————————————————— Just think, if it weren’t for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all. ——————————————————— A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man. ———————————————————- A man meets a genie. The genie tells him he can ask for whatever he wants, but his mother-in-law gets double of what he gets. The man thinks for a moment and says,” Okay, give me a million dollars and beat me till I’m half dead.” ——————————————————— The most effective way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once. ———————————————————- First guy (proudly): “My wife’s an angel!” Second guy: “You’re lucky, mine’s still alive.

1. Never do housework. No man ever loved a woman because the house was spotless. 2. Remember: you are known by the idiot you accompany. 3. Donft imagine you can change a man - unless hefs in diapers. 4. What do you do if your boyfriend walks out? You shut the door. 5. So many men - so many reasons not to date any of them. 6. If they put a man on the moon, they should be able to put them all there. 7. Tell him youfre not his type - you have a pulse. 8. Never let your manfs mind wander. Itfs too little to be let out alone. 9. Go for younger men. You might as well. They never mature anyway. 10. Men are all the same. They just have different faces so you can tell them apart. 11. Definition of a bachelor: a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable. 12. Women donft make fools of men. Most of them are the do-it-yourself types. 13. The best way to get a man to do something is to suggest they are too old for it. 14. Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener. 15. If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital. 16. The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years. Even in biblical times, men wouldnft ask for directions. 17. If he asks what sort of books youfre interested in, tell him checkbooks. 18. Remember a sense of humor does not mean that you tell him jokes, it means you laugh at his. 19. Sadly, all men are created equal. 20. When he asks you if hefs your first date, tell him gYou may be, you look familiar.h __________________________________________________________________ We always hear gthe rulesh From the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side. These are our rules!!! Please notec these are all numbered g1 ON PURPOSE! 1. Men ARE NOT mind readers. 1. Learn to work the toilet seat. Youfre a big girl. If itfs up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You donft hear us complaining about you leaving it down. 1. Sunday sports. Itfs like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be. 1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way. 1. Crying is blackmail. 1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Even obvious hints do not work! Just say it! 1. Yes and No are perfectly Acceptable answers to almost every question. 1. Come to us with a problem only If you want help solving it. Thatfs what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for. 1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor. 1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 Days. 1. If you wonft dress like the Victoriafs Secret girls, donft Expect us to act like soap opera guys. 1. If you think youfre fat, you probably are. Donft ask us. 1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one. 1. You can either ask us to do something Or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself. 1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials. 1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we. 1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is. 1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that. 1. If we ask what is wrong and you say gnothing,h We will act like nothingfs wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

I’ll swallow it all . . . I love the taste. Are you sure you’ve had enough to drink? I’m bored. Let’s shave my little kitty, you big lion king! Oh come on, what do ya say we get a good porno movie, a case of beer, a few joints, and have my friend Tammy over for a threesome! God..if I don’t get to blow you soon, I swear I’m gonna bust! I know it’s a lot tighter back there but would you please try again? You’re so sexy when you’re hungover. I’d rather watch football and drink beer with you than go shopping. Let’s subscribe to Hustler. Would you like to watch me go down on my girlfriend? Say, let’s go down to the mall so you can check out women’s asses. I’ll be out painting the house. I love it when you play golf on Sunday’s, I just wish you had time to play on Saturday too. Honey, our new neighbor’s daughter is nude sunbathing again, come see! I’ve decided to stop wearing clothes around the house. No, no … I’ll take the car to have the oil changed. Your mother did a great job raising you. Do me a favor, forget the stupid Valentine’s day thing and buy yourself new clubs. I understand fully…our anniversary comes every year. You go hunting with the guys, it’s a wonderful stress reliever. Shouldn’t you be down at the bar with your buddies? Not the mall again! Come on let’s go to that new strip joint! Listen, I make enough money for the both of us, why don’t you retire and get that nagging handicap down to 7 or 8. You need your sleep ya big silly, now stop getting up for the night feedings. That was a great fart! Do another one! I signed up for yoga so that I can get my ankles behind my head for you…

A clitoris is a type of flower. A pubic hair is a wild rabbit. “Spread eagle” is an extinct bird. Vagina is a medical term used to describe a heart attack. A menstrual cycle has three wheels. A G-string is part of a fiddle. Semen is a term for sailors. Anus is a Latin term for sailors. Testicles are found on an octopus. Asphalt describes rectal problems. KOTEX is a radio station in Cincinnati. Masturbate is a lure used to catch large fish. Coitus is a musical instrument. Fetus is a character on Gunsmoke. An umbilical chord is part of a parachute. A condom is a large apartment complex. An orgasm is a musician who accompanies a church choir. A diaphragm is a drawing in geometry. A dildo is a variety of sweet pickle. An erection is when Japanese people vote. A lesbian is a person from the Middle East. Sodomy is a special variety of fast growing grass. Pornography is the business of making records. Genitals are people of non-Jewish origin. Douche is the French word for “two.”