Valgal's blog: "Welcome to my world...."

I am not your normal gushy girl....I don;t get too attatched to men and I certainly don't let my guard down. This past week a man I truely and completely love with all my heart walked away...and took my soul with him. I haven't known him that long, but I believe I called for him. You see...I'm a witch. I cast a spell to call for my true love and two days later I met Tony. We share a child together although due to a very painful miscarriage I will not meet her until my next life. 

You see...Tony gave me something nobody else had been able to before. He gave me confidence in myself. I have never been the girl to turn heads when I walk into a room...but to Tony I was the most beautiful thing he'd ever seen...or so he said. I've never experienced sex so passionate or kisses so sweet...never had someone look me in my eyes and tell me they love me...never had someone not just tell me I'm beautiful, but make me believe it. He even gave me a diamond "friendship" ring. (Should have been my first clue) 

The sad thing is, aside from his cool collective nature and his spotlight of a smile, beyond the beautiful words he spoke and made me believe, there was a dark side. Out of respect for him I will not detail the previous statement...but I loved all of him. Good and bad. He gave me the courage to sing my own songs with pride...the courage to make the decision to move to Nashville someday...the strength to pick myself up when I wanted to stay on the ground. 

Last week he decided he never wanted to see me again. Said he was angry with me because he tried to move on and find someone else but I kept saying things to give him feelings for me, then turned around and said he didn't love me. He even tried to lie and tell me he was in New York. I drove to his house but not for the reasons one might think. I was worried about him and I needed to know he was okay. I had every intention of wrapping my arms around him when he came walking towards me telling me he'd call me in a few days, but I froze. The moment was too surreal and my body shut off he outside world. I ran after him as he stormed off screaming "F*** this Shit! I'm done!" i pleaded for him to stop and listen as he slammed the hood of his car down but to no avail. He looked me in my eyes and told me we were over...done forever. I've never seen his eyes that way. So cold and lifeless...he never looks at me in such a manner. His eyes are usually bright and full of life....not this day. He maneuvered around me despite my efforts and as he sat in his car I tried to get him to stop and think about what he was doing. Tried to tell him I cared about him and wanted him to be safe and happy....wanted him to know if he ever needed anything I was just a phone call away...

As I got down on my knees and cried out begging him to stay...he averted his eyes and again said, "I don't love you Valerie...I don't want you anymore...go." He called upon my friend Misty who had accompanied me for support and she pulled me away from the car...I tried to stop him again but it was too late. As the reality that he would no longer be in my life sank in I collapsed to the blacktop street below my feet and cried into my shaking palms. No remorse on his face as he peeled out of his driveway and sped away leaving me there screaming out his name for the world to see. 

So if I seem different...its because I am. I no longer hold posession of the broken heart I once held so precious. Its his now...every part, every piece, every memory it holds. Take care of it my baby...if you're reading this...you will never have a gift so precious as this. Never forget someone wants you to be happy and fulfilled, find all that you're looking for, and would be there in a heartbeat. I hope you're out there somewhere making your life all I know it can be. And above all my angel eyes....I love you. Always.

To anyone I may have freaked out with my latest blog entry or my status stating i was going to slit my wrists I'm very sorry...I suffer from a disorder called Emotional Intensity Disorder along with PTSD and Disassociative Depressive Disorder...Sometimes things seem too much for me to handle and I have thoughts and urges to do stupid things...like killing myself. I have been having a really rough time accepting the fact that the only man I have ever truely loved...the father of my unborn child...is in love with another woman and does not want me anymore...I'm sorry again if I scared anyone...sometimes I have a shitty way of coping...thanks to those who didn't get scared off...and for those who did if u read this...please don't be weirded out...i am doing my best to get better....

I can't believe I let him break my heart again!!! I can't believe I believed him when he said he loved me. He tells me that I deserve better than he could ever give me..that I deserve to be loved in ways he never could...that I should want better for myself...that he's not worth my tears. But how can I let him go that easily after all that's happened? I carried his baby in my belly before I miscarried, I've never had someone look at me the way he does, my life feels like a rollercoaster I can't get off. I love him still...I'm hurt, I'm angry, I'm lost, but no matter what I would still lay my life down for him in a heartbeat. All he has to do is ask. I wonder if he'll ever know what it's like for me when he's not around? The words I miss him don't even begin to cover what I'm feeling right now. I don't understand what I did to make him go...I tried so hard to make him happy...to love him with everything I had to give...I guess your all isn't always good enough. It's not that I couldn't have someone else...it's that I do not want anyone else. Sometimes I drive out to the lake to the spot where he first told me he loved me and we made love all night long and evaluate my purpose here...whether or not I should stay. But I have too much to live for and not enough to die for. He tells me I'm the best friend he has ever had...I want to believe the words leaving his lips, but I'm not sure I can. I just wish I knew how he fakes the look in his eyes when he tells me he loves me...I didn't know it was possible. I guess I'll be in pain as long as I let myself stay there...the question is, is he really worth it? I dam well hope so...

To all who read my last blog I apologize for the ramblings of a crazy person...thanks for caring!

So...this weekend my idiot self decided to get back at my lousy ex...did not work...i just proved his point...kinda. Oh, right, duh...first of all he calls me Friday morning to let me know he loves me and misses me and can't wait to see me...then six hours later (yes I said six HOURS) he calls to let me know he's back with his other girl (one of the ones he cheated on me with) and they are getting an apartment together. Not cool in the vals book....But, he gave me some hope that he's not a total dousche bag by telling me that he loves me enough not to let me waste my time on him..that I deserve more than he could ever possibly give me. He says he wants to be there..he promised he would be in the audience when I take home my first grammy. What to do? Hate him, love him, shoot someone...I'm a bit lost here...lol. My therapist thinks I should just let him go..thinks that I deserve better..(I think he has a crush on me tho..lol ;P) It's raining outside right now..I love the rain. I'm with my ex girlfriend right now..She'll never know how much I love her or how much it kills me that I can't kiss her right now (maybe she will since she's reading over my shoulder lol) but she found love..real love..love I could never give her. Maybe that's why I can't be mad at Tony (my ex), because I understand how he feels. It would be better if her fiance and I got along better...I miss him too. He was the best male friend I've ever had..I love him more than I love most...but I screwed up...don't know if I'll ever get him back in my life other than a shadow who tollerates my bitter exhistence. I hope someday he understands that nothing I did was out of selfish endeavors. That I never wanted to hurt anyone and that I will never be able to express how sorry I am. Maybe someday when bootcamp is done and his life is settled he'll understand what I suffer from. That I have no control over EID..that all I can do is try and be the friend I should've been to him and to her from the very beginning...I'm happy she's here, I wish he was, but I have a feeling I'll hear from him soon enough. After all...how can anyone stay mad at me? I'm to fuckin cute lol...wishful thinking I guess. (My ex girlfriend says to include she agrees with the above statement of my hearing from the Jer Bear soon...and that I'm too dam cute...her name is Misty by the way...she's HOTT!!!) She disagrees with that statement but she's just as crazy as me so it doesn't matter. Ahhh...I think I've got my feelings out enough for one night..if I missed anything I'll talk to my therapist tomorrow lol. Live, Laugh, Love...(and I'm never taking off my necklace or ring Jer Bear gave me again!!!!) ;D

So call it a symptom of Borderline Personality Disorder...but I'm not mad anymore...Kinda miss him...a lot...I just wish he missed me too...I can't think about his angel face and not fall in love all over again lol

Sooo....found out from my ex's friend that he claims I couldn't have been pregnant with his child because he's sterile. Interesting, considering he already has a three year old...If he wants record from the hospital after the miscarriage I'll be more than happy to show him. Problem? Apparently he's calling me a whore...okay...I've been with a grand total of 7 people...he cheated on me with 4...who's the whore????

I look back at all the mistakes I've made and wonder what it would take to make up for the wrong I've done. Other times I feel no shame telling myself regret is futile. But what happens when you're not sure? When you see the good and the bad as equal in juncture? Or...what happens when you know you will regret what you feel later? Is there a way to change your feelings or do you have to suffer through. If there is a way someone let me know. After all it would be nice to have the secret to life...