this blog isnt like the normal blog... its not the regular blogs where i swear a lot to make people laugh with the thoughts in my head, this is a deeper side of me that most people dont see and i'm going to share it with the world... so lets go for a ride ... come along with me to my inner thinkings...
lately ive beeing thinking quite a bit... expanding my mind. striving to figure out who i really am. and the word that sticks out most in my mind is choices. choices ive made along the way that defined who i am. and its lately that has really made me think about those choices, be that they are from the past, or more so very recent. and i've met someone very recently that has brought me to think about that for some of my choices may keep me from experiencing this most amazing person and it pains me to know that its my selfishness that caused that.
my whole life ive been on my own... family was never really a factor in my life. some of the few who grew up with me and the fewer that have been told my life story , understand that and all the pain and complete chaos that is called my life. ive never had it easy and ive always had to take of myself. i made all the choices that got me this far. and as up to this point in my life i thought i was doing it right, i know ive made a lot of bad choices but for the most part i thought i was a very decent man. but now i see things in a whole new light, and i reevaluated my life and looked back at all the big decisions, but also now the small insignificant ones.
for all of you that really know who i am, i mean really know me, i have a heart of gold , and i would take a bullet for anyone i care about. im always the person to put smiles on your faces , even when you dont think its possible. my friends are my life, and my friends growing up and even so now,i realise are my family, ive never had that before. i never had a family. ive always had myself... and i guess as a kid its brave to take care of yourself and you have to be selfish cause no one else will take care of you... but those decisions dont really affect anyone else but you. but now that im older, im realising the small insignificant choices i make, the more adult type choices, affect a lot more than myself. and in a retrospect come back to smack me in the face. choices that are so impulsive and meaningless then, are huge factors in the role of life that is my own. and in a sense i make all these choices because as it goes, " if im going to be blamed for it, i might as well do it right?"
wrong.
again i reitterate that i met someone amazing that has conjured up this babbling brook of rambling and random self pitty... but again i have a chance to make a choice. even though my self ritiousness has made me make selfish choices that might potentially push off people that could make a world of difference in my life, i can choose to either now learn and mend my ways, or stick to my stubborn ways and give up...
i choose to give up no more.
choices can define your life, and for the most part we dont think about that. unfortunatly ive been put in a position where i have to look at myself and see my wrongs and faults and slap myself in the face with them. there are so many subjects that i still need to learn and improve, be it self discipline, my eatting habits, my health, the fact i party too much and drink like a fish, my abundance of procrastination that is the soul reason i am where i am, or sexual... cause god know im no angel, and thats been made apparent. or people ive run from that i could possibbly love more than the world and potentially even more than myself, for the fear they won't love me back . the fact that ive ran from most of my problems to solve them and then spoiled myself with an emmense world of things to sugar coat what i call my life has put me in the positions i have to deal with now.
im 26 now and the sugar coating is wearing thin. my legs are tired from running and my eyes are growing wider with curiousity. my mind is running a million miles a second and my soul is eager to repair itself and continue on a more peaceful and meaningful path.
i sit here now and think... how can a man with a world of friends, more friends than a man can handle, feel so alone in a crowd of people who love him? what is it that holds me back from loving people completely , why do i run from anyone who wants to take me in? i dont know how to answer that to myself, how can i answer that to everyone else?
along this path i walk, 99% of people ive hurt or friends of people ive hurt with my chaotic selfishness, either forgive me or ignore the choices ive made... then theres that 1% that call me out and let the world know what a douche bag ive been , and its that person that you despise because you dont want to see yourself in the mirror... not the person you pretend you're not. and i realise now you can't hate them for speaking truth that you run from and pretend isn't true. you'll never really be friends with that person, and probably never let them know that they are the one person that hit you in the face with reality and when it happens you are vaguely thankful. ill say thank you now knowing that those few people will never read this but in that small chance they do , i hope they know.
i suppose this has gone on long enough now. and ill finish up with this thought. my life isn't anything of importance in the huge retrospect of this universe... i won't cure any diseases. i won't create magical buildings that baffle peoples minds and eyes. i won't run any countries and make choices that affect the world. but i will touch lives, even plaussable that i could save a couple along the way... maybe not in the heroic sense, but maybe just touch them mentally and lead them on a better path with my knowledge. hopefully someone is touched by what i say now and this puts them on a path that maybe they will change how they think and save a life of their own. maybe no one will read this at all and i waste 30 min of my life spilling my guts to a computer screen that just does what i say an i feel temporarily better til i fuck up again. id rather think thats not the case but lifes funny like that.
i just hope the people who know me love me forever despite my efforts and failures. and i hope the people i'm just meeting along the way understand a little more where i come from. and to the people ive hurt im sorry, and to the people ill hurt along the way, im sorry in advance... lifes to short to dwell on the past but the past is a tremendous learning tool that i myself choose to learn and better myself from. every one makes mistakes, ive made too many to count. just please dont hold me to them , help me learn and ill do the same for you. i wish you the best in all that you do . don't make too many unthought out bad choices that could change your life dramatically. you might lose out on a chance for an amazing job, or a life you always wanted to live, or lose friends over stupid and petty things, or in my case someone that could change your life for the better and who knows show you that the heart can do more than just love one self.
