if you see me in the garage practicing my nunchucks with my crocs on just keep driving I'm in the zone and dont want you getting pregnant

I waved to a man because I thought he waved at me. apparently he waved at another man. so to get out of the awkward situation I kept my hand up and a taxi pulled over and drove me to the airport. I am now in Poland starting a new life

if you pay me $50 I'll show up to your funeral but stand really far away holding a black umbrella regardless of the weather, so that people will think you died with a dark and interesting secret

a daycare dad cut me off in the parking lot so I went early yesterday and taught his kid how to ride a bike you can never get that back

I find old cables around my house that I know I should throw out but then I'm like nah I better keep those just incase someone comes around with a Nokia n95 and needs to hook it up to a fax machine

Brunch is really dangerous. 1 minute you're having bottomless mimosas and the next you're sending a "you up" text at 11:50 a.m.

before Amazon prime: "wow, they said 8-10 days and my package came in 8. how nice." after prime: " if I don't get these cat coasters within 24 hours I am going to kill myself."

do you ever feel like you're in Season 5 of your life, and the writers are just doing outrageous shit to keep it interesting

can't wait till the 28th

je pourrais rester heureux toute ma vie, tant que tu seras a mes cotes

to the lady at Costco with her son on a leash. I'm sorry that I asked if he was a rescue. the profanity wasn't necessary but thank you for not siccing him on me

Wishing the love of my life a wonderful birthday

will I go out and drink a responsible amount? will things finally start taking a turn for the better? tune in for the next esipode of definitely fucking not.

Aimer, ce n'est pas se regarder l'un l'autre, c'est regarder ensemble dans la meme direction

je T'aime de plus en plus tous les jours

ma vie est complete depuis que je t'ai recontre. tu es une vraie benediction tous les jours

peu importe so tu n'es Las a` cote de moi a' Noel, parce que tu seras dans ma tete et dans mon coeur. Je t'aime pour toujours

In French you don't say " i miss you" you say " tu me manques " which means " you are missing from me." I love that

Love you too

Chase her. Chase her even when she's already yours. That's the only way you'll be assured to never lose her.