I love long walks on the beach with my g/f, until the LSD wears off and I realize im draggin a stolen mannequin around a Wendys parking lot.

You call it stalking...I call it a complicated long distance relationship with lack of effort to make this thing work on your part.

If I learned anything from my children, it's that it is always OK to do something stupid, as long as someone DARED you to do it.

People say love is the best feeling. But I think finding a toilet when you have diarrhea is better,

went to a strip mall this evening...let me tell you it was a bit disappointing...everyone else had clothes on.

So does screaming at my son in Chuck E. Cheese because he won't share his game tokens with me make me an evil person? Just kidding! I have no clue whose kid this is

Does anyone know how to get red wine stains off a baby's forehead? Asking for a friend.

Just saw my ex-girlfriend at Starbucks. The dude she was with looked exactly like I did when I was dating her. Miserable.

If you've ever wondered why an animal is stupid enough to run into oncoming traffic on the highway, then you've obviously never been married

She said the spark between us was gone, So I tasered her. I'll ask her again when she wakes up.

Just saved a whole lot of money on car insurance by switching to reverse and fleeing the scene.

Relationship status: Runs alone at night in hopes of being abducted.

If I was a woman, I'd never leave the house. Unless, of course, I was finished cleaning and had permission.

Dear Kansas, Fuck you and your shitty as shitty fucking weather :)

Apparently Home Depot's slogan of "You can do it; We can help" doesn't apply to masturbation.

is wondering if it's abnormal for me to want to put a phone cord in my ear and walk around talking to myself "blue team this is red team. Mission is a go"

A M.I.L.F is a Sexy ass mom over 35. If you're 20, you're just a bitch with a baby.

Some things are better left unsaid, but I don't give a Fuck and will say them anyways. :)

I suspect my grandmother is a member of Fight Club, 'cause I never hear her talk about it.

You know the fun part of your life is over when people around you are getting pregnant on purpose.