Was gonna work out you know push up and shit...decided to eat a couple of Push Ups instead, same thing Right?

None of those kids were mine!! What had happened was, I saw a school bus broken down on t. way to work and I thought I'd do my good deed for t. decade and make sure they got to school on time...true story.

Of course I talk to myself... sometimes I need Expert advice

Note to self: check new boxers before wearing. I just found a 'quality control passed' sticker on my wang.

Could use a few Cherry bombs to level...Just Sayin'..no biggie. if you can. If you wanna. It's whatevs.

It amuses me that, even when eating treats, cats just instinctively know to rapidly shake their head back and forth a few times to make sure the spine is broken...I do t. same with donuts.

I don't understand how people get eaten by sharks...I mean, how do you NOT hear t. music?!!

You're t. type of person that should be encouraged to run with scissors...

Sometimes I wonder what type of product research one does when manufacturing love dolls...?

Excuse me miss, Do you have standards? You do... How about t. determination to never settle for less?? That too, huh? Well fuck.

My Girlfriend was a stripper to pay for her Racecar driving school tuition...now, whenever she wins, she gives victory lap dances...* sigh *

My "Man Card" is under review because I can identify a "Gingham" pattern...FML.

I'm going to go as a philosophical Zombie for Halloween this year... "MIIIIIIINDS!"

Last night, your mom said I had "moves like Jagger", I said "Yeah?", she said "Yeah, he has a bad hip too." ...bitch.

I want a band named "1023MB"...we'd never get a gig though.

Apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when your boss asks "What happened? You look sad today."

Why're they called boobies?? They should be called YAYbies!!! I like YAYbies!!!

There needs to be Star Wars themed snacks...Chewy granola bars, C3PO Henry bars and t. moneymaker...Han Rolos!!

You know you're a nerd when you watch porn and pause it to see what textbooks the schoolgirl is carrying so you can judge her attractiveness based on her subjects. She was apparently studying "dictionary", so I turned it off. If it had been a physics book

A perfect evening... Bea Arthur and chimichangas...