If you see me smiling it's cos I'm thinking of doing something evil or naughty...If you see me laughing it's cos I've already done it!

I don't have skeletons in my closet...I have a tiny black box of souls in my underwear drawer.

Live life like a dog...If you can't eat it, And you can't hump it... Piss on it and walk away!

When I'm GOOD, I'm VERY GOOD, but when I'm NOT, even the DEVIL runs for cover ...

Boobs are like kids toys - fun to play with - but they eventually end up in the mouth.

"When I was born, God told me to decide whether I'd have good memory or be good in bed... that's why.. umm.. SH*T.. What I was going to say?!"

Man comes home to catch his wife in bed with his friend. he grabs his shot gun and kills him. The wife yells "you'll never have any friends if u keep doing that"

all my great ideas always seem to get me in trouble.