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rocknrollmonkey
Male, Rockland, ME

Name:Matt Hoffman
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Birthday:December 31st
Joined:August 2, 2006
Level:Barfly (11) [?]
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(last updated:August 4, 2006 @ 3:41 pm)
People who love to turn it up loud! My AIM is wildlovehog if you want to chat.


I like monkeys. The pet store was selling them for five cents a piece. I thought that was odd since they were normally a couple thousand. I decided not to look a gift horse in the mouth. I bought 200. I like monkeys. I took my 200 monkeys home. I have a big car. I let one drive. His name was Sigmund. He was retarded. In fact, none of them were really bright. They kept punching themselves in their genitals. I laughed. Then they punched my genitals. I stopped laughing. I herded them into my room. They didn't adapt very well to their new environment. They would screech, hurl themselves off of the couch at high speeds, and slam into the wall. Although humorous at first, the spectacle lost its novelty halfway into its third hour. Two hours later I found out why all the monkeys were so inexpensive: they all died. No apparent reason. They all just sorta' dropped dead. Kinda' like when you buy a goldfish and it dies five hours later. Damn cheap monkeys. I didn't know what to do. There were 200 dead monkeys lying all over my room, on the bed, in the dresser, hanging from my bookcase. It looked like I had 200 throw rugs. I tried to flush one down the toilet. It didn't work. It got stuck. Then I had one dead, wet monkey and 199 dead, dry monkeys. I tried pretending that they were just stuffed animals. That worked for a while, that is until they began to decompose. It started to smell real bad. I had to pee but there was a dead monkey in the toilet and I didn't want to call the plumber. I was embarrassed. I tried to slow down the decomposition by freezing them. Unfortunately, there was only enough room for two monkeys at a time so I had to change them every 30 seconds. I also had to eat all the food in the freezer so it didn't all go bad. I tried burning them. Little did I know my bed was flammable. I had to extinguish the fire. Then I had one dead, wet monkey in my toilet, two dead, frozen monkeys in my freezer, and 197 dead, charred monkeys in a pile on my bed. The odor wasn't improving. I became agitated at my inability to dispose of my monkeys and to use the bathroom. I severely beat one of my monkeys. I felt better. I tried throwing them away but the garbage man said that the city was not allowed to dispose of charred primates. I told him that I had a wet one. He couldn't take that one either. I didn't bother asking about the frozen ones. I finally arrived at a solution. I gave them out as Christmas gifts. My friends didn't know quite what to say. They pretended that they liked them, but I could tell they were lying. Ingrates. So I punched them in the genitals.
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(last updated:March 28, 2008 @ 3:04 pm)
Elton John, Boston, Belinda Carlisle, Weird Al, Ray Charles, Jay McShane, No Doubt, Bush, Goo Goo Dolls, Toadies, Hum, Blue October, Chainsaw Kittens, Dayroom, Type O Negative, 7 Year Bitch, Sister Machine Gun, Drain STH, Fountains Of Wayne, Smashing Pumpkins, Korn, Ozzy Osbourne, Deftones, Sepultura, Danzig, Biohazard, Poe, Seven Mary Three, Drill, Bloodhound Gang, Everclear, Letters To Cleo, Our Lady Peace, Guster, Mary Karlzen, Frogpond, The Urge, 311, 22 Jacks, Fishbone, Iggy Pop, Linda Perry, Sponge, Suicide Machines, Tonic, White Zombie, Filter, Coldplay, Papa Roach, Moby, David Bowie, Three Doors Down, Creed, Buck O Nine, Reel Big Fish, Save Ferris, Goldfinger, Jane's Addiction, Audioslave, Queens Of The Stone Age, Mars Volta, System Of A Down, Jurassic 5, Mudvayne, Blindside, Corrosion Of Conformity, Disturbed, Bobaflex, Sevendust, Aerosmith, Kid Rock, Rush, Greenwheel, Berlin, The Fixx, L7, Marilyn Manson, Seether, Godsmack, Saliva, Hed (PE), Trapt, Breaking Benjamin, No Address, O.A.R., The Vines, The Music, Sarah McClachlan, Fiona Apple, Paula Cole, Tracy Bonham, Wild Colonials, The Crash Test Dummies, The Millions, Mary Chapin Carpenter, Tripping Daisy, Neil Young, Primus, Soul Coughing, Ween, Ben Folds Five, Beck, Sneaker Pimps, Wallflowers, Incubus, Leftover Salmon, Reverend Horton Heat, Banyan, Flea, Mike Watt, Joan Osborne, Mary Lou Lord, George Clinton, Fastball, Weapons Of Choice, Auf Der Maur, Jordan Knight, Mad Caddies, Pennywise, Bad Religion, Body Count, Ice-T, Blink 182, Eminem, Maggie Estep, Green Day, OTEP, Liz Phair, Charlie Hunter, John Doe, Remember Alice, Billy Idol, Stone Temple Pilots, John Waite, Midnight Oil, Cheap Trick, Buffalo Daughter, Helmet, Les Claypool's Frog Brigade, Boy George, Hamell On Trial, Jewel, Garbage, Alanis Morissette, Good Charlotte, New Found Glory, MXPX, My Chemical Romance, Offspring, Rancid, Transplants, Story Of The Year, Talib Kweli, Ozomatli, The Vandals, Rise Against, Mid-Town, Dropkick Murphy's, Fall Out Boy, Dead 60's, Atreyu, Hawthorne Heights, Electric Eel Shock, Danko Jones, Jimmy Eat World, Straylight Run, Mindless Self Indulgence, Program The Dead, As I Lay Dying, 30 Seconds To Mars, Shadows Fall, Hatebreed, Black Label Society, Rob Zombie, Christina Aguilera, Morningwood, Royal Crowne Revue, Big Head Todd And The Monsters, 2 Skinny J's, Richard Cheese, Crash Test Dummies, The Donna's, Dresden Dolls, The Connells, Carrot Top, Zebrahead, Stabbing Westward, Less Than Jake, Mansun, Megadeth, Dream Theatre, Life Of Agony, Gwar, Alabama Thunderpussy, P.O.D., Shinedown, Keane, Red Walls, Spot, Dream, Yellowcard, Something Corporate, Andrew W.K., Oleander, Kings Of Leon, Interpol, Powerman 5000, Audiovent, Flaw, Penelope Houston, Eddie Murphy, Go Betty Go, The Briggs, Guy Pearce, Tiger Army, Clutch, Phenomenauts, Radiohead, Janeane Garofalo, HIMSA, Michael Damian, Elliott, Hot Water Music, Taproot, Widespread Panic, Silverjet, Galactic, BB Mak, Fuel, Weezer, Dink, Candye Kane, Riverdales, Finch, Face To Face, Stevo O (from Jackass), Dave Aron (sublime Producer), Wicked Wisdom (Jada Pinkett Smith's metal band), Bury Your Dead, Mastadon, Killswitch Engage, Trivium, Chevelle, Thrice, Senses Fail, Mest, Reliant K, Avenged Sevenfold, Bad Acid Trip, Robert Schimmel, Margaret Cho, Stewart Copeland (from The Police), Mark Wahlberg, W.A.S.P., Death By Stereo, Todd Snyder, Rene Marie, Willie Waldman Project, Default, Sleater-Kinney, The Cardigans, Nerf Herder, The Nada's, Ash, Space, Atari's, Unwritten Law, Get Up Kids, Mr. Bungle, Orange 9mm, Suicidal Tendancies, Gogol Bordello, Tegan And Sara, Cake, Elijah Wood, The Toasters, Go Jimmy Go, Flyleaf, Halestorm, From First To Last, Hawthorne Heights, As I Lay Dying, All American Rejects, 10 Years, Dogstar, Hoobastank, Hinder, Three Days Grace, Nickelback, Rock Kills Kid, Buckcherry, Black Stone Cherry, Damone, Clit 45, The Welch Boys, Tokens, Nonpoint, Stone Sour, Billy Talent, Valencia, Hit The Lights, Love Arcade, LCD Soundsystem, Danny Diablo, Villebillies, Mower, Authority Zero, Resident Hero, Sick Puppies, Kill Hannah, Xavier Rudd, Serena Ryder, Operator, Candlebox, Finger Eleven, Joss Stone, The Aggrolites, Sean Paul, Fergie, Barrington Levy, Lyrics Born, The Damnwells, Shadows Fall, Static-X, Louix XIV and many more to come........

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