Slee's blog: "Uhhh"

I think my throat gets sore if I speak much. My throat has been sore lately. Maybe it's just because I've been talking in a louder happy tone, rather than the soft depressed tone I'm uste to. I work with people wearing earplugs, and who can't hear well too though.

 

Today was the last day of the ycc kids working with us. I didn't get the pictures I wanted, but ohwell. I like pictures, but don't want to seem creepy or anything. lol. I got a few the other day when I worked with them, so that will have to do. I looked at helmets today!!! I fell in love with one, but wasn't sure if it was ok to order it. I Asked my supervisor about it, and she said I could order anything Roger, the guy I work with, would put on and walk up to Jim, the big boss. So I told him that, and showed him the ones I wanted, and he said he wouldn't do that with any of the ones I wanted. He said we should wait till monday and ask Jim directly about it. I asked Jim when I got back, and he said I could get any helmet I wanted just as long as I came back next year. :) That was at the end of the day. After work, I went and ate at Arby's. That was a bad idea since my body now rejects fast food. But anyway, I went back to the place to order the helmet I wanted. The size I wanted wasn't in stock, and it's been discontinued. I want a large. I could order a medium, but it would be a little tight, and since it's discontinued, I wouldn't be able to send it back if I didn't want it. The good news is he said I could have ANY helmet I wanted.... So I can look on the internet for one like the one I wanted and see what turns up. My face is getting tired from smiling so much, it may be sore in the morning. 

 

Summery: Work is good, Shitty I probably won't see much of Alice for a while, but atleast I can get an awesome fucking helmet for next year!!!!

 

             First a rant.: I don't like the "liking" thing on here. I realize it's just people getting points for the most part. It's stupid though, what if you don't like them? It says all these people like me. If they knew me, they may not like me. Plenty of people don't like me. I'm not saying I'm not very likeable. I think if I met me, or talked to me, I'd like me. Maybe not though, it would depend on what mood I was in when I met myself, and which medications I was on or not on. I'm just an honest person, and believe highly in honesty. It seems like such a lie to hit the like button when you don't know the person, never even visitied their page, read their blogs, jack shit. You may hate the person. You could have opposing paths and philosiphies in life. Maybe you love animals, and you hit like on someone who tortures them for fun. It's not the case with me, I love animals, it's just an example. There's plenty that people can know about me from reading my page and my blogs. There's probably other stuff in my stash for people to know more about me, and decide if they like me or not.

             Next, if you have no words on your page, I don't know if I like you. I don't know how I would rate you either, so I probably won't do either of those. I do look for words, and many people don't have any.   This brings me to the words people do have on their page. I guess I realize that there are tons of people who get on here wanting to do naked or sex stuff as their primary goal. I had a guy who kept trying to talk to me. He said hi, and stuff like that. When I got back home, I said " Hi, sorry I was gone doing stuff, I'm back now though, or something like that. He asked if i would get on messenger, I say nah, and he said bye. Not sure why he wouldn't just talk in the shout box, and I don't want to think about it. So yes, I deal with pervs too. Both pervs who are gay males, who want to do " stuff " with me, and pervs who are straight males that mistake me for being a female and want to do stuff for me. 

           I'm almost certain that those people don't read your page. Often times they probably don't even visit your page. I read your page. I'm sick of seeing all the - stuff at the top talking about nsfw, no hookups, no web sex, etc. ect...-  Yes, I do suppose that is stuff about you, in the stuff about you section. The people who it's usually directed to, don't fucking read it though. And if they do, then they probably still don't give a shit. It's ignored. Please feel free to prove me wrong on that, I do want to be wrong on this one. Write down the date. Now erase that part of your profile. For the next three weeks, count the pervs you deal with. Now, put it back in there. Now count the number of pervs you deal with in the next three weeks. Show me the numbers.

         I've talked to people who have said specifically they don't want to talk about sex here. I get one word, or maybe one sentence replies. Maybe I'm just borring or something. There's profiles that talk about the other person being able to hold a conversation. I haven't had much more luck with those ones either. So, if you are going to give people stuff not to talk about, why not give them stuff TO talk about? I feel like I'm trying to pry words out of people. Eventually I just get condascending, and that's my "bad".

      Next subject. The Horizon card, aka " food stamps ". I'm a socialist at heart. No one should ever starve when other people are eating meals that cost over a hundred dollars, and drinking even more expensive wines. No one should have to worry about being able to have food, water, and shelter. People pay money here, just to have their picture in certain places, it could be spent on food, or vitamins, or milk, or whatever. I'm not hating, just pointing it out. I'm all about helping people out. I'd be several thousand dollars richer than I am now if I didn't help other people out, and I'm pretty fucking broke at the moment. 

     So yah, sometimes people need help. Government assistance should be their last resort. The food stamps program needs to be totally redone. Things people should not be able to purchase with food stamps: Candy, pop/soda, chips, or fried anything, basically, no shit food or drink. Also, no buying water with them, other than 2 bottles at a time. If it's 90 degrees outside, and you are far from your home, and you forgot to fill your waterbottle up somewhere, then yes, you can get some water. Only enough to survive, and I do mean survive, until you get home, or someplace with a faucet. Anything with more fat than nutritional value, not allowed to buy. No more twinkies, or any of that shit. All falls under " shit food". To get on food stamps one will need to have a complete budget analysis done. Someone will evaluate your situation, and tell you how you can spend OUR money. It's not your money, you didn't do anything to get it except need it. After you are told how you can spend it, you will save your reciepts. Routine audits will be done. Ever heard of the 3 strikes your out rule? Well you get one warning, then you are fucking done. You can fuck up once, you get another shot. Fuck up again, and it's rations. You will have food, water, and shelter enough to live, but you won't like it. You eat what we give you. You live where we put you. You drink the water from your faucet, you may even have a filter for it if you convince us you are worthy.

       Yesterday I stood in line waiting to buy my three items at harmons. It's a grocerie store, they treat their employees like shit, and I shouldn't shop there. It's hard to find a decent store, one that isn't evil. It was only a few things though. Chicken, onion, and skim milk. The overweight lady in front of me with her overweight child, had a whole cartload of shit. Lots of candy, a couple cases of water, and other stuff. She paid with a horizon card/foodstamps. So, you are poor but can buy candy? and bottled water? Some people are just genetically large. I am not predjudice against fat people. Be as large as you want, it's what you do and how you treat people that matters. These people either had more than enough money for food, or were buying the wrong kinds of food though. Letting people buy shit food, is not helping them. If you can buy pop with it, you should be able to buy beer and wine. A human's or really any animals' basic needs should be provided to them. Soda, is counter productive to basic needs. So when someone buys soda, you are basically paying for them to take away from their basic needs. That should not be provided for. Not only that but we are paying them to feed their children unhealthfully, and develop bad eating and drinking habbits. Kids shouldn't starve, they also shouldn't be fed shit food!!!!!!!!!!!     

           It's not that I don't ever have soda, or bottled water, or candy. I do occasionally. I do so with my own money. I also have drank way more than my share of booze. Drinking is something that I'm cutting way back on due to relationship/life reasons, money, and health reasons. Do you know where I got my money for booze? From being in the fucking army. By being deployed in Afghanistan and Iraq. By being fucked over more times than I can possibly count. Now I'm just another fucked war veteran trying to get my life together. It also sucks because I hate the society that I helped fucking protect. Sometimes I wish the US would have been blown all to hell while I was in Afghanistan or Iraq. The country I came back to, isn't one that I would fight for again. People don't appreciate or deserve much of what they have here. Sorry, the army and society rant came out of nowhere. But basically, if I'm givving money to someone for food, they shouldn't buy fucking shitfood with it.

                Ok, I'm done for now. Ya'll enjoy your weekend.

   So, this guy wanted me to get on messenger to talk. I didn't want to, so he didn't want to talk. I guess he wanted to do things he couldn't do here? Whatever.

               Everyone talks about how they hate drama here, and stuff like that. I haven't seen many words here, so the drama statements seem odd. I'm sure there's drama, and words and stuff here somewhere though. Whatever it could be amusing. lol. To each their own.

           I got chewed on today. It's kinda weird. I do like being chewed on. I didn't expect it from the person who did it though. I thought, and think she is a relationship. I think it's a romantic one, she called someone baby, and told them she loved them on the phone. She has pictures of them on her profile on another site. The caption reads " Me and my baby " I think she is kissing him in one. Biting doesn't have to be sexual. It could just be a weird random thing. It happened more than once though. And she left a mark on my neck. Biting uhm, " turns me on. " Not a difficult thing to do, but that's what it does. So I didn't and still don't know how to take it. I didn't really want it from her. I guess I never said " Don't bite me. " I didn't go over there for that though. When we talked before, she didn't ask if she could use me as a chew toy. We were just going to play video games. And I thought it was clear. I went out of my way to get God of War III specifically so she could play. I didn't think I implied anything sexual between us, I even said to bring her husband, boyfriend, kids, or whatever. She did text me and say sorry about it. I asked her what it was about, and she said she had no reason or excuse. So, still like WTF? Next time I'll tell her no biting. Clear boundries are important I suppose. Other than that weirdness, she seems cool, I just don't want a romantic type relationship with her. Just not really interested in her like that, even if she didn't already have someone somewhere. 

                I have not right or reason to be though. The thing I hate most about being single, is jealousy. I'm amost never very jealous when I have a girfriend. Actually, I'm very secure and not really jealous at all when I have a girlfriend. It basically only happens when I don't have one.  I absolutely hate the emotion. Totall atleast mostly irrational anger and sadness combined. 

       It's weird. It makes me want to get back together with someone, but then I remember why I broke up with them. Have I already had the best I can get though? Should I really keep looking for that dream/fantasy person of mine? Are they even out there, and if they are, would they even like me? I'm less than half a year away from 30. It sounds weird to me. After 30 I'll just feel like an old creepy guy. 

        Normally my selfesteme is through the roof. It's just bad the last couple of days, especially since my nightmare. Working and getting paid and stuff is supposed to help, seems like. I just worked around 20 hrs. People there probably thought I was creepy cuz I was so quiet. I don't talk much, especially while I'm working. People find my quietness disturbing often times. I don't find most people interesting enough to want to talk to them. 

          Hopefully I'm just tired, and wornout, and depressed due to that. Hopefully I'll feel better after I sleep and wake up. I guess we shall see...

      The week's gone by quickly. I've basically been walking, sleeping and fucking around online. I also did a rough draft of a job resume. I'm being a guine pig for a parroll oficer that wants to be a counselor. He gets hrs practiced, and I hopefully get a good reference for when I go into that sort of area of work. It's fridays at 11 am. It's kinda weird and awkward, I'm not so comfortable talking to males. I'll get through it though.

I broke up with my gf the other day. I have to be out of my house by tuesday. I'll be staying on my brother's couch for a while, till I get a job and a place and shit like that. Everyone thinks I'm crazy, and nothing makes sense to anyone but me. I'm always the guy that's there for other people. I've stretched myself to thin. I need to regather myself. People may take advantage of me, but I let it happen. I can always say no. I just need to remember to set clear boundries, and stick to them in the future. I'm mostly numb and angry right now, but I think I'm doing a good job at blocking the anger part out, and not being a dick to my ex. Who will likely leave without have done her chores. I don't ask for much, maybe because even when I do ask for something, I rarely get it. Chipping in for rent and bills? Obviously out of the question, dusting and taking the garbage out once a week? not likely. Whatever. Everyone comes to their fictional finalism in the end that suits what they can live themselves for. Some people have friends they can talk, people that are there for them, people who give them whatever kind of support they need. I have distant friends, councelors, and booze. And I won't have much money for booze. I've always been the capable reliable one, now I need one of those people for me.

I know, thinking is bad, but I seem to be addicted to it. The same goes for food, whenever I try to quit it completely I get sick from withdrawl symptoms. I have different ideas that I couldn't really do, so I'd have to put them into books or movies, or something. Like this: Ambien and booze... It could be a tv series. Each episode would begin with someone finding a bottle of booze that had ambien in it. The show would follow the character through the rest of the day. Sometimes it would be a horror show, other times a comedie. Often times probably a mixture of both. It's something that could really happen, but would probably be illeagle, and/or unethical to make the actual reality show. Maybe some of the epsodes would be place in the future where it's made into a gameshow, or a reality series. There could be group episodes too. Find five or six or more people, and drug them serperatly. Wait about ten minutes for the memeory blackout to begin, then place them in a room with eachother. Different days could be different themes. The decorations and props for each room would change. There could be holiday themes, color themes, country themes, ect.. There would be a webpage where people could suggest ideas for both props and themes, and there could be contests for the best ideas. People could vote for various decore, and prop themes. The caste theme could change too. It could have an evolving sort of plotline, or each episode could be completely random having nothing or little to do with the others. We could have a random show, and an evolving plot show. Spinoffs galore. If I could make enough money to live until I died, I would volunteer to be in a reality series like that. I'm crazy though, and it would probably be illeagal. The most interesting part would be when everyone wakes up the next day in a room full of people they don't remember ever meeting. They could watch the video of what happened and give their reactions to it. Mixing druggs and alchahol, or different drugs has been a morbid, and potentially dangerous curiosity of mine for a while now. I highly don't recomend it. There's just something about playing with a brain that interests me. It's a scary thing, but scary is probably what I do best. I think I'm strange enough that people should pay to study me. I think I was made to fight, to lead, to change things. My brain and body are too hyperactive for this world. My first reaction to any roadblocks is to try to reason through them. " All ya gotta do is talk to the right people the right way. " If reasoning becomes exhausted, intimidation seems the step in the problem solving process through a slow transissioning of reasoning. Begin with talking about the positives to your solution then gradually bring the negatives of their, or the current " solution ", precedure, or process. Eventually hint at likely negatives that will likely be brought about ( possibly by you, but not necsarrlily ) if your solution is not adhered to. Also offer compramises that would make the likely negatives less likely. If all this fails, it means war. What else can ya do? I don't recomend the last two steps in the process, and would appreciate recomended substitues for them. Today's world isn't set up in a way where intimidation and war is very productive. My motivation to stay in shape these days is largly weakend nowadays due to the fact that no one really fights me physically anyway. My ability to kick someone's ass doesn't seem to get me anywhere, and hasn't for a long time. What's the point in being strong and such if we have such laws and norms against fighting. It's no longer a world where the phrase " survival of the fittest " makes any sense. Physically strong doesn't help me, and the smarter I get, the more seperated from the rest of society I get. Isolation and lonelyness is not conducive to survival, especially if drugs and booze are in the equation. How do I unlearn things? Where is the machine that can erase the memeories I no longer want anymore? I just need to find, or create a group of smart people who like fighting and playing video games. I figure we could fight, and fight, then when too exhausted to do it anymore, we play video games until we are rested to start fighting again. I do want smart, good natured people though. It's probably not that hard to find mean dumbasses who want to be in a group like that. I want smart people though. Maybe gags would be part of the group. That way I wouldn't have to listen to any stupid people and I could pretend that they were smart, or as the leader, I could take peoples' speacking privleges away if they said too many dumbasss things. I could have an application with various questions on it to try to weed stupid people out. Maybe have some situation questions asking people how they would react and reasons for doing so. Ok, this is probably long enough already that most people won't finish reading it. So I'll stop here. Just remember, I'm not conding drugs, booze, or violence in this note. Don't do something, then tell people I said you should do it.