Imahater's blog: "Today"

So there was a time in my life that I believed that happily ever after and forever exsisted. Then I had my world fall down around me and I said never again. I was never going to allow another person into my life who was just going to hurt me and leave me. It was working for me very well. I had a man in my life who was good to me and my kids, when he touched me I felt things I'd never felt before. But I kept him on the outside of the walls I had created. When I felt myself getting to close I left him. For his own good because I didn't believe in forever and he did. He wanted said he wanted it with me and only me. I wanted him though so we got back together even though I knew in my heart it was a mistake. It felt so incredible to be with him. When he held me I knew that I wanted him forever. Yes I said forever, even though I didn't believe in it. I was so confused and scared. The only time things made sense to me were when he was touching me and then all that mattered was making sure he never left. I loved him so freakin much. My life started revolving around what did I think he wanted, what would make him happy. He convinced me that we were going to last forever and to let him in 100%. And like the fool I am I did. The sad part is he was already on his way out of my life. He had met the next best thing and thats what he wanted. He left and never looked back. Didnt even tell me. Just left my house one day and didn't come back. He wouldn't talk to me or see me. I've never hurt like that before in my life. I started drinking and stopped giving a shit about if my house was clean or even if I was. I cried all the time. I stopped talking to my friends and wasn't honest with my family about how I was feeling. That was over a year ago and to this day I think of him 100 times a day. I lay in bed with another man and ache for him. I cry for him. I see pics of him and his "baby" and it makes me sick to my stomach literally. It lights up my whole day when he texts me even though they are few and far between. I had decided to become someone I'm not just to be with him a lil bit. Just for a lil while to be able to pretend that things are right again. When I see him everything in me says this is right, he is the other half of me. It is so hard to remember he doesnt feel the same. How can my feelings be so freaking strong and he doesnt feel anything? Its crazy. It pisses me off that I can't get him out of my head or my heart. He doesn't deserve to be there anymore. He has his family and it doesn't include me. I know it, I really do but how do I convice my heart to do what I want? What I want is to be able to see him for who he really is in my heart not just my head. Instead I see the only person I want to be with, the person who completes me and makes me whole. Stupid girl. I want to kick my own ass for being so stupid and weak. I've always prided myself on being strong. But him... He makes me weak in every way. And I hate it. Things will never be the way they were. I know this, so how do I let go??