I had so much on my mind when I got up today. I am an impatient person. LOL. Anyone who knows me, knows this. I sent an email last night, hahaha. Dumb ass me. Well, lets just say I made myself look like an ass. Thats me! Way over here! Well, I got the answer I was hoping for, in a way. Thats ok though. All I have to say is maybe someday.
I havent got to spend much time with my little one lately. I have been woking lates and Steven stays at his grandmas the nights I work late. Well, my boss has had me on lates for almost a week now. So my baby has not been home since Thursday. I hate sleeping alone. It leaves me with to much time to think. One of the reasons for the "deedeedee" email I sent last night. I thought about so much last night.
Going through the divorce, I am so scared. I am affraid of losing Steven, I doubt it would ever happen. But I am putting it out there. Scared.
Then shit at work. So much is going on, so many secrets and lies. I dont know if I want to do it anymore. I dont like feeling like I am walking on egg shells. I know I have not done anything wrong, but its the point. People at work are starting to piss me off. Not so much "my" co workers. Other people who work there. There is this guy who was dating a team member, and now he has it in for me. I told him no, and he went after my friend. Well, access was denied there and now he is bothering me again. He has been coming up to the store looking for me. I told a few of the team members to tell him that I got fired. Didnt work. Now I have team members asking me what I did to this guy to make him want me so bad. "Standards!" I would not nor will I ever have any type of contact or feelings for this person. I am just nice, to nice. So now I have to be mean.
Then, on top of that. I have not been catching to many people this period. Last period wasnt to hot for me either. I caught a team member tonight, and I actually honestly hated my job for the very first time. I felt bad for this person and even though it killed me. I did my job. As they sat and cried telling me every reason why and any excuse they could think of. Finally it came down to doing what I had to do. Part of me believed some of the issues that she was telling me, but it does not make it right what they did.
I was supposed to go to the ICP concert with Rob and Troy today. Of course I couldnt get it off and no one wanted to switch me. Sorry guys. I tried. I hope you have fun and bring me back some Fago! LOL.
I just feel so blah today. I couldnt function and I could stop thinking. I talked to Crystal and Johnathan about it. I just feel like shit. Doesnt seem like anything I do is right. Takes me back to when Scott and I first split. So many mean things were said. I dont hate him. I dont think I ever could. He gave me the greatest thing in the world! My son. I will always care for him and love him, but people grow apart. I dont think this will ever change. I am sorry for the mean things I said. I hate the fact that he finally grew up when I kicked him out. He has 2 jobs and his own place now?! Wow. I am impressed. The only thing I want from him, is to be a father to our son. People who dont even know him is giving him the benefit of a doubt. They say that he will grow up and change. Funny, the person that I have been crushing on is one of these people. I hope they are all right! I know my sperm donor wanted nothing to do with me. Thanks ok though, Steve is my "Father"! He has been there since day 1, and I know I can count on him. He is my dad and the papa to my little boy. I wouldnt change it for the world. I just hope Scott can be there and do for our son as my dad did for me, and as his dad did for him for the short time that he was here. I never got to meet Scotts father, but I know that he would love Steven. I culd care less what anyone thinks of me. I have been told that Scott and I would have never been together had Jim been alive, that his father would have hated me. These things are nice to know, I mean this is how some of Scotts family members talk to me. Its normal to me now.
I think I am going to try and get some sleep. I dont think it will happen. I have been staying up late talking to someone, and well. Hes asleep and I have no one to talk to now. It sucks, because now thats all I want to do. Talk..... and I am not crazy enough to sit here and talk to myself. Well. Night all!
