Well, yesterday was my first day off in a months time... I am exhausted. I spent the day at the laundromat using the big washers to clean my comforters and my futon cover, been trying to get a little Spring cleaning done each day, I have a schedule on my calendar for chores that doesn't always get followed, lol. At least I try, that's the important part, right?
I treated myself to a special dinner yesterday. Since I eat free at work, I haven't been cooking much, but made an exception yesterday. I went down to the boats, and bought myself some freshly caught shrimp. Being down there took me back to days in my childhood I had forgotten.... days with my mother. That was her way, back then, of treating herself also, some fresh seafood cooked at home, (the best way!) It reminded me of why I moved back here. And so I stood in this kitchen in my little house by the bay, with the windows open, and the spring breeze. Smelling the cleaning products I had used, and the fabric softener from clean laundry.... and I peeled shrimp, and cooked supper, and spent time remembering other special occasions when I had shared those same activities with my Mama. Simone and I feasted on a crispy, cold green salad, parmesan potato wedges, freshly fried shrimp, and a big glass of iced tea. It was wonderful.
This month on the 12th was the anniversary of my mothers passing, and I have tried to just keep working and not think about that, then her birthday was on the 22nd, and I tried not to think about that, either. I miss her so terribly, and in my mind, talk to her alot. My recent medical problems had me so scared, I missed having her talks and her reassurance. No other relationship could ever replace that "bond" between mother and child. So now, even a year later, I grieve, and wonder will it ever stop. There will never be a time that I don't miss her, not one second I don't selfishly wish that she were here with me.
Many days I just don't feel like I can make it... I'm tired, and alot of days really don't feel well, but I keep on. Time passes fast, and I don't even realize what day it is sometimes, but that's better than sitting here alone and moping. I try to think that better days must surely be coming.
Although I know that moving back here is probably the biggest mistake I have ever made, I have decided to make the best of it for now, until I can get back to where I want to be. I was taught that sometimes life throws you curves, and God puts us where we are supposed to be according to HIS plans, not ours, and that we are expected to "bloom where we are planted" and make the best of things.
I hope everyone is having a nice Spring....
I found this picture and today wish I could turn back the clock........
