THROUGH A GLASS, DARKLY
by Gen. George S. Patton, Jr.

Through the travail of the ages,
Midst the pomp and toil of war,
Have I fought and strove and perished
Countless times upon this star.

In the form of many people
In all panoplies of time
Have I seen the luring vision
Of the Victory Maid, sublime.

I have battled for fresh mammoth,
I have warred for pastures new,
I have listed to the whispers
When the race trek instinct grew.

I have known the call to battle
In each changeless changing shape
From the high souled voice of conscience
To the beastly lust for rape.

I have sinned and I have suffered,
Played the hero and the knave;
Fought for belly, shame, or country,
And for each have found a grave.

I cannot name my battles
For the visions are not clear,
Yet, I see the twisted faces
And I feel the rending spear.

Perhaps I stabbed our Savior
In His sacred helpless side.
Yet, I've called His name in blessing
When after times I died.

In the dimness of the shadows
Where we hairy heathens warred,
I can taste in thought the lifeblood;
We used teeth before the sword.

While in later clearer vision
I can sense the coppery sweat,
Feel the pikes grow wet and slippery
When our Phalanx, Cyrus met.

Hear the rattle of the harness
Where the Persian darts bounced clear,
See their chariots wheel in panic
From the Hoplite's leveled spear.

See the goal grow monthly longer,
Reaching for the walls of Tyre.
Hear the crash of tons of granite,
Smell the quenchless eastern fire.

Still more clearly as a Roman,
Can I see the Legion close,
As our third rank moved in forward
And the short sword found our foes.

Once again I feel the anguish
Of that blistering treeless plain
When the Parthian showered death bolts,
And our discipline was in vain.

I remember all the suffering
Of those arrows in my neck.
Yet, I stabbed a grinning savage
As I died upon my back.

Once again I smell the heat sparks
When my Flemish plate gave way
And the lance ripped through my entrails
As on Crecy's field I lay.

In the windless, blinding stillness
Of the glittering tropic sea
I can see the bubbles rising
Where we set the captives free.

Midst the spume of half a tempest
I have heard the bulwarks go
When the crashing, point blank round shot
Sent destruction to our foe.

I have fought with gun and cutlass
On the red and slippery deck
With all Hell aflame within me
And a rope around my neck.

And still later as a General
Have I galloped with Murat
When we laughed at death and numbers
Trusting in the Emperor's Star.

Till at last our star faded,
And we shouted to our doom
Where the sunken road of Ohein
Closed us in it's quivering gloom.

So but now with Tanks a'clatter
Have I waddled on the foe
Belching death at twenty paces,
By the star shell's ghastly glow.

So as through a glass, and darkly
The age long strife I see
Where I fought in many guises,
Many names, but always me.

And I see not in my blindness
What the objects were I wrought,
But as God rules o'er our bickerings
It was through His will I fought.

So forever in the future,
Shall I battle as of yore,
Dying to be born a fighter,
But to die again, once more.

The Economy Is So Bad...

CEO's are now playing miniature golf.

Jewish women are marrying for love.

Even people who have nothing to do with the Obama administration aren't paying their taxes.
Hotwheels and Matchbox stocks are trading higher than GM.

Obama met with small businesses to discuss the Stimulus Package: GE, Pfizer and Citigroup.

McDonalds is selling the 1/4 ouncer

Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their childrens names.

A truckload of Americans got caught sneaking into Mexico.

The most highly-paid job is now jury duty.

People in Africa are donating money to Americans.

Motel Six won't leave the light on. (Now, this is serious)

The Mafia is laying off judges.

And finally...

Congress says they are looking into this Bernard Madoff scandal.

Hey, neat...the guy who made $50 billion disappear is being investigated by the people who made $750 billion disappear.

The 6 Strangest Objects People Were Caught Having Sex With

by Daniel Barton

#6 The Picnic Table

It says something about relations between the UK and America when the Telegraph publishes the headline: "American Caught Having Sex With Picnic Table." Seriously, does it matter where the guy was from? So what if one guy's pursuit of happiness took the form of sticking his schlong inside the umbrella hole of a picnic table. Do not such things transcend borders?

After all, isn't this the sort of thing that could happen to anybody? Maybe a girl had been there just moments ago, and rolled away at the last minute. Maybe it was dark.

These would all be reasonable suppositions if the story didn't say that the guy boned the picnic table on four separate occasions, and for hours on end. How do we know that? This would be thanks to the neighbor who secretly taped it each time ... also for hours on end.

Now, filming it the first time is understandable. You just want to have evidence for when the cops say, "There is no way some guy is fucking a table." But somewhere after the second time, the overall impression you givr off goes from "disgusted" to "intrigued" to "DAMMIT IT'S ALMOST MIDNIGHT! WHERE ARE YOU, YOU TABLE DEFILING STALLION! LOOK AT IT, JUST BEGGING FOR YOUR MIGHTY LANCE OF FLESH!"

But eventually the neighbor did turn the tapes over to the police, who arrested the perpetrator and presumably drew straws over which poor bastard was going to watch the hours of evidence. The man was charged with felony counts of public indecency because his frolic with the world's most vulnerable four-legged beast happened near an elementary school.

We're guessing this made for some long, awkward conversations between fourth graders and their parents.

#5 Street Signs

A Sioux Falls, South Dakota man was arrested when a neighbor came home and had the following thought train barrel down the center of his mind, "Hmm, there appears to be a 60-year-old man in my backyard in a trench coat and panty hose, holding a camcorder. Perhaps he's a pervert."

After the man was arrested, police found hours of tape that were kind of like that haunted video from The Ring, only instead of killing you, it just permanently negates the possibility of an erection for the remainder of your adult life. Police say the tapes included two years' worth of the man defiling street signs.

Two goddamn years. And that's just the ones he was taping, who knows how many street signs he fucked and got away with it. This proves once and for all the forensics and crime scene work you see on CSI is a big load of bullshit.

The man's escapades didn't end there, either. His collection included video of himself in an all leather S&M outfit while grinding against a door frame, instantly making it twice as awkward as any other S&M film ever made.

There was also video of him masturbating in front of traffic while wearing a mask, waving a gun at people while naked and digging a hole to literally fuck the ground. That has to be the pinnacle of messed up boning, right? Screwing the earth itself? Well we can say that he's not the first guy to get caught doing it, so maybe it's a thing. Who are we to judge?

#4 A Bicycle

A man from southwest Scotland apparently decided, while looking at his bike, that he wanted to ride it all night long, and in ways that would make Lance Armstrong weep tears of pure terror.

This, presumably, was not a problem for anyone until the night that two cleaning ladies for a local hostel walked in on a sight far more horrifying than anything Eli Roth could come up with: The 51-year-old Scottish man, with trou fully dropped, was "riding" a bike in a way that God never intended.

Oh, and did we mention that he stopped, knowing he was caught in one of the most awkward situations ever, acknowledged the cleaners in the room, and then continued gettin' it on? Whether that is dedication, determination or retardation, it was probably backed with the thoughts and hopes that today would be the day he would get lucky and finally have that M-F-F-Bike orgy he always longed for.

It didn't take long for them to call the cops, who booked his ass on charges of sexual breach of the peace, which we assume is Europe-speak for making everyone at the station say "What the Fuck?" and "Holy shit eww!" He ended up pulling a page out of the celebrity "I fucked up big time" book and chalked it up to alcohol instead of that funny feeling he got in his pants when he saw a tricycle when he was a child.

The man's little Tour de France got him three years probation and placement on the sex offenders list, presumably with the note "fucked bike" next to it.

#3 A Lamp Post

So, imagine you are walking innocently down the street on an usually nice day in February. It's a few days after Valentine's Day and you still have warm, fuzzy feelings of love and tenderness skipping through your chest. Yes life is full of sunshine and rainbows. Nothing can ruin your day ... right up to the moment you run into an extremely naked man grinding a lamp post like the strip show from Hell itself.

Congratulations, you now know exactly how those school children and young women felt when they encountered this exact scenario in Wiltshire, England.

The nameless 32-year-old man, whose identity is being protected for reasons we are unsure of (other than to not be called a "lamposexual" in public) was soon arrested for "suspicion of outraging public decency." Suspicion? Really? Even with eye witnesses? Now we are curious to find out how much more detective work it would take to get a conviction on publicly boning a street lamp.

We would also like to take this opportunity to point out how England is dominating this list. Kind of adds a whole new layer to that Telegraph headline from earlier. "Extra! Extra! It's an American fucking an inanimate object this time!"

#2 A Park Bench

Late one night, a certain man was walking around Hong Kong, in the park, lonely and bored. So he did what many of the lonely and bored people on this list did, and found the nearest thing with a hole in it to fuck. Then he saw it: a park bench, with holes in it. And then he made the fateful decision to have bit of the old in and out with it. What's the harm?

This is the harm:

Yes, that video is totally accurate, his penis got stuck in the bench. His ill-advised boning adventure soon led to over a dozen emergency personnel attempting to rescue him, while trying to hold in the Nelson Muntz style laughter brewing inside each of them.

The doctors had to use needles to drain blood from the man's penis but, sadly for Xing, getting stabbed in the dick did nothing to stop the swelling and loosen things up, so the rescuers had to cut away the part of the bench that he was stuck to, and shipped him off by ambulance, where it took doctors a painfully long four hours to remove the sheet of metal from Le's dong, which he almost lost.

So, yeah, from beginning to end that whole thing was one big Worst Case Scenario. All because of a single, momentary, horny lapse of judgment. You'd think that would scare people of inanimate object sex forever, but there's at least one guy we're pretty sure is still going strong. His name is Edward Smith and he has sex with...

#1 Cars

Edward Smith's love of cars didn't translate into a nice collection of rare vehicles, or a career as a mechanic. Oh, no, he's on this list because he wanted to express his love in a different way. Awww yeah.

Edward is one of a tiny number of people who are called mechaniphiliacs (only about 500 of them, as far as we know), and it's just what it sounds like. These are people that treat car washes like late night Cinemax movies, except instead of naughty inmates at an all-girls prison, it's seeing that dirty slut of a Scion get buffed nice and slow, just how papa likes it.

By Edward's count, since age 15 he's made love to around a thousand cars and he doesn't care who knows it (judging by the fact that he has done TV interviews about it).

Our research hasn't made it clear exactly how someone has sex with a car. Obviously you'd think of the tailpipe, but that would seem to create difficulties in terms of the positioning, especially for a car built low to the ground. And the car absolutely cannot be mounted while it's moving, as you'll see in this set of 30 photos of our attempt to demonstrate this.

On top of all that, you'd always have that doubt in the back of you're mind that you're accidentally cornholing Optimus Prime.

Edward's current fling is a Volkswagen Beetle named Vanilla, which instantly makes every Herbie the Love Bug movie ever made five times creepier. Other cars he's gave his mighty meat shaft to include: a 1993 Ford Ranger Splash he called Ginger, Cinnamon the '73 Opal GT, and a '69 Beetle which we are sure was probably the sluttiest car he's ever dated.

But cars aren't the only machine he's gone all the way with; he claimed in the documentary he totally had a fling with this helicopter one time. It's here that we're tempted to call bullshit on the whole thing, but really, why would somebody lie about that?

Ex-Student Says NJ Medical School Discriminated

MOUNT LAUREL, N.J. (AP)  -- A former student claims in a lawsuit that the University of Medicine and Dentistry of New Jersey discriminated against him for the way he described his background in classroom discussions on cultural diversity.

Paulo Serodio said that in 2006, he told a professor and classmates that he was ``white, African, American,'' which he says accurately reflects the fact that he was born in Mozambique but later became a U.S. citizen.

He said some classmates and staff members at New Jersey Medical School found it offensive that a Caucasian man would call himself ``African-American'' and that the fallout led to harassment and eventually his suspension from the school.

Serodio, who lives in Newark, said some school employees and students told him not to describe himself as ``African-American.'' In the aftermath of his comments, Serodio said, flyers were hung around the school mocking him, he was assaulted and his car was vandalized.

His lawyer, Gregg Zeff, said Serodio eventually was suspended for ``conduct unbecoming'' a student.

The suspension came directly from his remarks in class, Zeff said.

Serodio filed the lawsuit in U.S. District Court in Newark on Monday. He is seeking damages from the university and several faculty members and administrators.

University spokesman Jeffrey Tolvin said he could not comment because the university had not seen the lawsuit.

Thoughts?  I'm personally intrigued by this suit.

Today I went down the Jefferson Barracks National Cemetery.  It was quite the emotional experience for me.  I'm not necessarily the most emotional of men either.  It did occur to me more than once that I was walking in the company of many great men and women.  It was in many ways sobering.  I knew that this particular place was big, but I never knew that it was as big as it is.  It is a sobering thing to see some of the real, actual cost that has been paid for the freedoms that I enjoy...that we all have and enjoy.  It was also a reminder that we as a people have a huge responsibility to take care of these freedoms...to preserve them. 

Posterity: you will never know how much it has cost my generation to preserve your freedom. I hope you will make good use of it.

~John Quincy Adams

ELMHURST, IL—An adjustable butterfly fuck-swing once used by Nathan Moscone and Sofia Klein-Moscone to have wild and uninhibited sex in myriad aerial positions has been slowly filling up with junk mail over the past several months, the couple reported Monday.

The dozens of credit card offers, coupon flyers, and unsolicited catalogs were first stacked in the butterfly fuck-swing in order to clear off the dining table for visiting relatives, but more mail gradually began to accumulate on the soft vinyl seat designed to cushion the rapid, percussive strokes of lovemaking.

"The wife and I sure had some crazy times on that thing before we had the baby," said Nathan Moscone, 37, motioning towards the adult toy, upon which he had just hung his suit jacket. "But it seems like forever since I turned her upside down in that thing and dripped hot wax onto her vulva. Maybe we can give it another go after we finish the deck. That's taking up all my spare time at the moment."

The butterfly fuck-swing features nylon straps, padded stirrups, a swiveling hook, a crossbar Klein-Moscone used to grasp in the throes of ecstasy, and, more recently, several unread issues of O, The Oprah Magazine.

Moved from the couple's bondage room, now a nursery, to the den late last year, the fuck-swing ended up in an ideal location to deposit mail deemed too unimportant for the already full rolltop desk in the corner. Other items, such as a box of edible lubricants and an 18-inch steel-studded leather paddle, were relocated to the attic to keep them out of the reach of the Moscones' active and inquisitive 11-month-old daughter, Abby.

Klein-Moscone, 33, said that she had considered simply throwing out the junk mail, but balked after the last time, when she accidently discarded an important medical bill that had been placed in the butterfly fuck-swing. 

"I swear I'll get to sorting out that mail soon," said Klein-Moscone, who less than two years ago would strap herself into the butterfly fuck-swing at her husband's slightest suggestion, but now only interacts with the sex apparatus when rummaging through it for a Home Depot receipt.

In addition to raising a baby, Moscone said that working long hours, volunteering at their church, and doing yard work leaves him and his wife very little time to read their mail and enjoy exhilarating sadomasochistic fucking through unconventional methods. 

"I was just thinking yesterday, Boy, I can't remember the last time I had my fist up my wife's asshole,"  Moscone said. "It happens to every marriage, I guess."

Also noticeably absent from the couple's sexual repertoire is the bright purple silicone butt plug that, for the past several weeks, has been the favorite chew toy of their Pomeranian, Champ.

"I'd love to give those ankle and wrist restraints another go, but for the life of me I can't remember where they are," said Moscone about a set of chained leather cuffs that are currently being used to padlock a composting bin in the couple's backyard. "And I haven't seen hide nor hair of our cock rings since we were up in Lake Geneva. We'll have to get some new ones, I guess."

"Well, as soon as the family budget allows for it," he added.

Despite being forced to retire the nipple clamps after the baby started nursing, the pair said they would still consider having exciting and adventurous sex if Klein-Moscone ever returned home from her advanced Pilates class with any remaining energy. 

"Last Thursday, Nathan and I wanted to take his penis prison out of the shed to have a little bit of fun before Dateline," said Klein-Moscone, referring to a rubber locking male-chastity device. "But, my God, was that shed a mess—we ended up just sorting junk. At least I found our favorite ball gag, which I'm going to hang in the garage so I know how far to pull the minivan in."

Both Moscones hope to get their once-hot sex life back into gear in the spring, pledging to make good use of a leather hood and spreader bar when they try for another baby.

So, it feels like I'm going to be dead soon.  I'm sick as a dog, you see?  My temp has been spiking over 103...which is higher than you think seeing as how my normal body temp is 2 degrees lower than average.  I don't understand why they wouldn't do anything for this.  I mean, I understand the virus part of it can't be touched by any kind of antibiotic, but why have I been left in this world of hurt and pain?  This isn't a fun kind of hurt and pain...  No, this is the kind that has had me waking up crying and  crying out for someone to make this stop or begging to know why I hurt. 

In any case, I must go now.  I'm going to hop in the shower in the hopes of bringing my temp down a bit, plus I need to be clean for the doc.  See y'all later...