Everyone makes mistakes. I know it – I’ve made many mistakes. But some are unforgivable.
I remember my first boyfriend so well. I remember everything about him: his voice, his smile, his touch, his laugh, even the way how he walked and the shop he bought his clothes in. I still walk into my room to find his scent in my room, even though it was years since he was there.
I was the unlucky girl. My life was one of sorrow, with all the hate and the pain. And when I gave up, when I stopped trying, when I only wanted to die, die, and nothing more… He was there.
I just needed him so badly that I would do anything to be his. And I did became his.
It felt so good to finally be loved. Finally I could smile, think about him, talk about him, counting the seconds until I’d see him again. I was so happy…
But then things started to turn out weird. He started lying to me. And I knew it, I knew every lie he told me was anything but the truth, but I took it all. I just didn’t want it to end, this great time, the best time of my life… It felt like he was the one. The one, that only one that could make me smile, that could make me happy, that could be with me for the rest of my life.
The truth couldn’t stay hidden forever. I knew that. One day, there would be an end at this beautiful lie.
Only when it came, I was so unprepared. After four months of happiness, of joy..! I finally felt loved for the first time in my life! I felt like I had a purpose! But I opened the door to his bedroom, and saw him beside, beside her. Clinging onto each other as if life depended on it.
He suddenly turned. I will always remember the gasp, the freezing of his movements, the look in his eyes.
Then, I ran, ran for hours, ran until my feet couldn’t carry me anymore and I fell face down on the street. The fall did hurt me, but I didn’t even feel it compared to the pain in my heart. I never had this feeling before – my heartbeat was drumming in my ears, I felt like screaming out, crying, my skin arched like one thousand needles were stabbed in the flesh…
But I didn’t make a sound. I just lay there in that cold night, with my eyes closed against the view.
When I saw him again, he came up to me. He tried to talk to me. He tried to explain. And I wanted to believe him, I wanted to believe him more then anything in the world, but I know I just couldn’t do it. My love for him was still there, and it still is now, all this time later, but I knew that the longer I stayed with him, the further I died from the inside.
I still hang out with him now. I still talk to him, every day again. And I still love him. But it’s too late now. He’s gone, and there’s nothing I can do about it. I cant turn back time. I am but dead… And the only one who can heal my soul… Is he.
