watersign's blog: "this and that"

for the last few years I didn't have a real good imagie of myself as far as my body and personality was. I just got out of a divorce which was mentally abusive...how i've learned time will heal and a person can grow. I've lost 40lbs since last July and i'm pretty happy about that...while there are areas that i need to work on there's other parts where i'm glad they are how they are now. I love my chest even as i have lost weight it's still there...i also like my butt...i'm curvier now but not blobby as much...now i just want to tighten things up. I'm not looking to be some size 8...i like my curves now and i've had some people notice how i look better so that makes me feel better. summer is coming up so i need to start working on my arms more. Like i was taught last summer...you have a beuatiful body why hide in black...your shoulders are great (thanks E)...i've even heard how my legs are just fine the way they are. Its just good to finally feel comfortable in my own skin and confy with my life....that will be explained more later.

4 years ago... 4 years ago March 5th would have been my due date but due to medical reasons I never made it. Some would think hey it's medical why would this bug you and the reason is I had to make a choice with none of the options being good...number one was to terminate the pregnancy due to the baby not devolping, the next was i could end up miscarrying at some point and 3 was i could deliver pre-term and lose her. Now the reason why she was not developing is because i was on some medication that causes serious birth defects (ie..thier skulls and bones don't form right or fuse together) so i chose option 1 and terminated the pregnancy which sucked the whole thing was awful and i still get nightmares about it. I know it was for the better but i still wonder what if....she would be four this year would she have red hair and brown eyes...would i be a good mom...would i even be where i am?? I never talk about it and it's not like i dwell on it everyday it's just my heart feels heavy around this time.

so if you haven't noticed by my new default pic I am not a fan of Valentines Day. I find the day overrated and a bunch of propaganda for the flower, card and candy makers out there...seriously you need a day just to send flowers and say I Love You why not surprise your significant other and just do it on a wednesday in june for no reason. Yeah I know alot of people are like "we'll you're single and jealous" ummm no that's not it, remember in grade school when you had to give the smelly kid a valentine and then of course for the rest of the year he thought you liked him...it's was all a lie but nooo you coudln't be mean and leave him out. Now where was I? Oh yeah so do something else for V day like adopt a new pet now there's something that needs some love.

running I haven't had any intresting dreams till last night It was cold outside and I was sitting on my front porch lacing up my shoes...i had black pants on and my (eva's) grey Iowa sweatshirt on (that's falling apart but i love it)...I was getting ready to go running A. was there and he asked why I would go running I replied with "because I can" when in truth I was thinking to myself I can take all the emotional pain and put it physical without more scars. I took off running down the street and when I looked back he had a confused look on his face (not like i could blame him I tend to confuse alot of people) the sky started to turn dark grey almost black as storm clouds moved in along with lightning and I can remember thinking it's 20 degrees out and it's going to storm in January how wierd...I can remember the blocks go by and then turn into miles and how impressed I was with how far I could make it. I didn't care about the storm brewing above me all I cared about was how my legs were on fire and my chest burned from me breathing in the cold winter air...then I threw up and my mp3 player was playing In This Moment "Prayers" then I woke up. It was strange makes me wonder what i'm running from

This was written almost 4 years ago but there's alot of it that is still rings true I hate the fact that I miss you I hate not being able to talk to you I hate myself for letting you see inside me As much as I want to hate you for what was said and done I can't... I hate the emptiness inside me now that you are gone

Forgotten, left behind alone in a room full of people...screaming insde begging to be noticed. Affection, Attention withheld...emptiness, lonliness these I embrace like an old friend. Wanting love to be truly loved, yet scared to love...fight or flight on edge all senses going Run away, avoid the pain...only physical pain can be controlled....emotional pain is too much pain

Fake plastic smile on my face, acting as if everything is okay. While i'm screaming and crying inside, hurting and scared to trust again. Pink scars still fresh, physical reminders of emotional woulnd that i hope will heal, yet knowing that they never will. So again I sit cold metal biting into flesh in hopes I will be unable to feel the pain inside.

1,001 1,001 thoughts running through my mind Trying to sort them out in a short amount of time Situations manifesting that are not real Trying to deal with the what, if's and should have's Regret has no place in my life Regreting means I never tried

Sometimes i can't breathe certain thoughts take my breath away and make my chest hurts...or sometimes it's something that a person says after years that just makes me lose it. Things that shouldn't bother you now do all of a sudden it's like opening a door i tried so hard to lock and when it fly's open a freezing cold blast of air hits crystalizing my lungs and making it hard to breathe.