Gideons Wake's blog: "The Life and Times of Gideon Fontaine"

He took off his fedora and the mask. The bruises on his body were sore but they were bearable. His partner was slumped against the wall in equal pain and fatigue. "That is the last time I let you take the lead boss," said his partner between gritted teeth. He smiled, the taste of blood lingering in his mouth like a sack full of nickels. He loved a good fight - but this time they just got out by the skin of their teeth. He checked his sidearm - it was out of juice. He shook his head in amazement - yeah, they did get out by the skin of their teeth. The 'beauty was going to need a possible overhaul and the bullet dents needed to be worked out. Nevertheless - they accomplished their task and made the world "Right" again. He looked at his gloved hands - though they were black he could still see blood. Some life was lost tonight, despite their best intentions. Criminals they were, but not every bad guy deserves to die. Good intentions...that is what the road to Hell is made of - and he and his partner had laid a mile. "The Blackjack Gang is down and out. The Hand fell into the elevator shaft and died the death of so many other men that he caused before him. Justice was served and that is all there is," he finally said to his slumped partner. "Now its time to write about it."

So for some reason the lyrics kept popping in my head and I realized I needed to get them out before they implode my brain. Early 90s R&B is a funny thing.... I'd Die Without You by P.M. Dawn Is it my turn to wish you were lying here I did not dream you in my wish little babe Is it my turn to fiction out my world But even imaginary motions tell my self anything Is it my turn to hold you by your hands Tell you I love you when you hear me Is it my turn to totally understand That once you walk out of my life that I’d do whatever for you If I have to give away (the feeling that I feel yeah) If I have to sacrifice (whatever baby, whatever baby) If I have to take apart (all that I am) For anything that I would not do ‘Cause inside I’d die without you ‘Cause inside I’d die without you ‘Cause inside I’d die without you Oh I apologize for all the things I’ve done Now I’m underwater and I’m drowning (oh yeah) Is it my turn to be the one to cry Isn’t it amazing how some things completely turn around Take every little piece of my heart (piece of my heart) Take every little piece of my soul (piece of my soul) Take every little bitty piece of my mind ‘Cause it feels good inside I’d die without you If I have to give away (the feeling that I feel yeah) If I have to sacrifice (whatever baby, whatever baby) If I have to take apart (all that I am) Anything that I would not do ‘Cause inside I’d die without you ‘Cause inside I’d die without you ‘Cause inside I’d die without you (I’d die without you, I’d die without you) ‘Cause inside I’d die without you (I’d die without you, I’d die without you) ‘Cause inside I’d die without you (I’d die without you, I’d die without you) ‘Cause inside I’d die without you (I’d die without you, I’d die without you) ‘Cause inside I’d die without you (I’d die without you, I’d die without you) ‘Cause inside I’d die without you (I’d die without you, I’d die without you) ‘Cause inside I’d die without you (I’d die without you, I’d die without you) -Gideon

Ever feel like everything that comes out of your mouth isn't right? Every time you think you found a plausible solution to a problem it only leads to either more problems or it was wrong solution? Love feels like that. No matter what you do or try - there will always be some tripping point where you feel utterly useless. You do what you can for it - because in the end, we all want to be loved. However, what do you do when it takes its toll on your mind and well being? Not the hopeless addiction - rather when it hurts so much to deal with it. It hurts because of the world you have set up. You really want to scream and cry In fact, you have screamed and cried - yet there is still nothing you can do about. Then love because shakey. It becomes unstable and uncertain. It threatens to take away its happiness and only causes fusteration. Can you find happiness in lonliness? No - I really don't think so, but I think you could be forced to find out because that is all there is left. I am at a loss. I am lost. So let the Jackal laugh. Let them caw and coo at my constant failures. Let them laugh becuase I know I am. I laugh because I am in certain pain and I have no more tears to shed. There are no words or advise that can be taken or given - ultimately because you are fucked. Your situation is incompatible.There is no give and there is no lean. Just scream. To have your legacy threatened - to have your sanity removed - to not be allowed to die by your own means. Free will starts to become an illusion - one that you fought so hard for. When do the words "I love you" become so painful because you don't feel that you did right to earn them? -Gideon