I feel like I have been looking for something. I have felt that way since middle school. Looking for something that I cannot quite put my finger on, but looking nontheless. It could be a person, a time, a place, an object, who the hell knows... even a thought. I want to understand things. I try. Listening, watching, waiting. For something, anything. Then again, if I understand, what will I do with the rest of my life? Of course, not knowing when our time will expire, would it not be better to know sooner rather than later? I do believe that I am one of few on this never ending search for... something. In our capitalist society we are so absorbed with what we have, and in fact we are more absorbed in what we don't have. This selfishness leads to thoughts only of money and notoriety, and shows of pride and envy, all of which I hate, which leads me to my main topic.
Ever since I could remember I have believed that people are naturally good, that left alone to their own devices life would function on without a glitch. More and more I am beginning to doubt myself. What I see every day are people 'rocking' their Louis Vuitton and Gucci, which some how makes them a better individual than myself. A nation obsessed with the going ons of celebrities, gossiping about so and so being a tramp, which is the ultimate sign of envy. Envy for a life that does nothing for another, and celebration of that fact. A country that celebrates individuality, yet treats those individuals as second-class citizens. A society that prides itself on it's giving nature, its ability to help other countries in need, when our own are starving on our streets. Our poor are getting poorer and the tiny few with money are playing for keeps. I have begun to wonder where I fit in in this mess. I don't want any of it.
I have come to not expect much from people. That's exactly what I recieve too. In the past I have demanded the best. That didn't work out well at all. I have also, in the past, expected absolutely nothing, and got what I expected, which still hurt. Now I am working at an even keel, wanting at the very least to be respected, to have people give me some time out of their day, for someone to listen, because I have listened enough. I want someone, for once, to care about me as much as I care about them. I don't want to be afraid to say it. I want a lot. Too much to even type. But, I don't expect much of anything. It's better not to get my hopes up.
