Sarah Smile's blog: "Squeekenclean's world is CRAZY"

This time I woke up in a panic. Of course it was due to a dream "mare" I'll start from the end and go backwards to see if all can be recalled. I have a phone in my hand with the phonebook turned the yellow pages - attorney section. I'm just about to dial and this is when I wake. The place I'm in is the condo my family lived in back in CT. Although, my age is 31 and only minor details have changed. 

The reason I have the phone in my hand is due to the fact I have to get some answers on a court order of alimony from my ex-husband who has had the cops called on him the three previous nights in a row due to harassment. The court order is bogus and tries to pass it off that I will only get $85 per week (why this number is beyond me). So I found a neighborhood cop that didn't provide much help in the situation except that they had an attorney friend with them who might. She came to discuss my options but explained another type of attorney will be best for this type of ordeal, their friends brought all kinds of fruits to snack on...I remember the cherries the most.

The reason I'm so frantic about it is he used a different identity and had been messing around with two girls way under age. So I had suspicion but the girl's parents played stupid. What made it worse is that my ex is eleven years my senior. Cradle Robber! At the time of this I was dealing with my little sister's child and trying to help care for him. 

As stated in the previous nights we had been dealing with the harassment from my ex and had injured my dad by shooting him in the shoulder making him part of it but he was badly injured. From all my interrogations to the under age girls and to my ex was getting me no where...the sad part was I came home with them in there rented truck with the under age girl's parents which I could only explain as hillbilly from the courthouse which was up a steep and winding gravel road. Everything seemed fine and I had all the documentation but did not realize the falsities until I had gotten home.

Again my sister (older) plays a role of the non-caring one who is just there to help herself. By this I mean she didn't live there but showed her face when needed due to the fact she lived with her boyfriend but kept her room the same for "just in case" things didn't work out. I was very upset by this and told her she needed to leave because business was needing to be done.

Going backwards in this is getting a bit hairy...sorry for any confusion.

The night before while fighting and arguing with my ex was when he shot my dad...and I had to keep myself hidden from him to keep from getting a bullet hole myself. Was trying to reach the police for a remedy to the situation. Not only was the place not big but no where to hide safely. The entire dream I felt nothing but fear and loathsome for those who did not want to help me. At this point of my dream "mare" I have not much else to tell. 

Signed: Squeekenclean

My dream last night included a kid, once again?! My thoughts on the matter are my niece because I have so much love for her. Although, I realize I'm getting to an age where a decision of having one would be in my best interest (I think). Yet I have found my Mr. Right although we are miles apart at the moment whom I want to share the life experience with. I love my boyfriend dearly and know he would do it in a heartbeat with the love given in highest regard.

Question: because I want this so badly is it becoming part of my dreams or is it a sign I should not bare kids. 

If you know me I am an animal lover to the extreme and enjoy spreading my love to those who cannot speak for themselves. Nothing would change to me caring for my pet's if I had a kid. Just having them part of my life had been the most fun.

Not sure what to stipulate here as I do inquire for both a kid I can raise...strapping boy or beautiful girl? Does not matter to me...

Dreams are beyond our realm and I wish I had an answer to respond on all my questions. I think with my loved one we will inquire the best of our situation and move forward but slowly. If it happens it was meant to.

Signed: Squeekenclean

This is not in reference to dreams but I have the tendency to attract friends who are by no means an up and comer. So I put my hand out for someone and let them stay with me to be a positive role model to there crazy lifestyle of robbing and thieving to gain the money they need to survive. I've let him stay one night with no intentions of romance because he is like a brother rather than anything else that has not grown up by any means. But after tonight I let him drive my car and he runs into the back of someone (their fault due to slamming on there brakes) but since he has no valid license or insurance I had to climb into the passenger seat and had been drinking (my dumbass mistake)...but to say the least my temper is running rampid. 

I am a person with nerves that run through the roof and with no job to pay my deductible, I'm worried as fuck because I don't drive wrecked vehicles and have done so well with keeping this one nice. I am telling him tonight to get out and sleep on the road for all I care...but I look to God a lot for answers and no clear sign has come yet. Of course I am at the mercy of my parents being on their property to obey their rules and ask him to leave....where to go from here is my mind boggle. 

If you have a smartass comment to say bring it to me personally and I damn well will address it...but help in the matter would be lovely.

Scared to death of my thoughts,

Squeekenclean

Hello...please understand that I have severe dreams that can make me wake at night in terror. If you are by any means easily sheepish to my words below please turn back now. Although, I am a huge horror film fanatic it really does not cause my nightmares but it can tend to be brought on by medication. Make fun if you will but it's what helps me through day to day battles.

Maybe I should pray each night before I lay down to not have to suffer from such horrific thoughts...but I have grown accustom to them and realized they are a part of who I am. 

When dreaming a lot of people have tendencies to nightmare of falling, being chased but mine tend to be real life situations which cause me all the more worry. To give a little synapses of what it could be is...waking one day to realize I have a child and in real life I have not had one of my own. But in this it becomes a struggle to be with my family because all are loving and helpful except one my older sister and her friends who for some reason hate me and think I am a horrible mother and should have all my rights taken away. I plead I scream that I am doing the best I can. For an odd reason there is not a father to whom I can rely on for help for the baby. So it plays out into fighting each moment to do what I know is right as for my child, then when I wake I wonder what or who could I be relating this child to. Don't get me wrong I love my older sister and we do have a lot of differences but I look past those and she I don't think realizes the importance of having a bond between siblings.

I plan to write more as they come...this might not have made a lot of sense but when I do share please be respectful that these are something I cannot control but want to put into words. 

Comment if you will. Thanks.