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Funny Shit
Destiny And The PoopReporter Posted 12.18.2002 by Dave (10557) Fate did not want us on this bus. Fate had abandoned subtlety, and had wrapped herself around my leg, begging us to not to board as I dragged her up the steps and on to the awaiting Greyhound. It was ten before five on a brisk fall afternoon in the ugly bus station a mile east of the house where George W. Bush lives. Fate's first warning: as the guy announced over the speaker that the next bus to New York would be leaving at five, the girl at the counter insisted there wasn't a bus until six. Odd. But, knowing Greyhound tickets are valid for any time, we chose to ignore her. I bought one for myself while Jenny was in the bathroom, but the girl wouldn't let my buy one for Jenny until she saw Jenny's ID. Odd. While I waited for Jenny to emerge, a dude in a leather jacket offered to sell me a ticket he guaranteed was valid. Now, I know from experience that nothing valid is ever sold by dudes in leather jackets. Bu
Funny Poems...go On Have A Giggle!!
Jingle Bells (Aussie style) Dashing through the bush, in a rusty Holden Ute, Kicking up the dust, esky in the boot, Kelpie by my side, singing Christmas songs, It's Summer time and I am in my singlet, shorts and thongs Oh! Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way, Christmas in Australia on a scorching summers day, Hey! Jingle bells, jingle bells, Christmas time is beaut !, Oh what fun it is to ride in a rusty Holden Ute. Engine's getting hot; we dodge the kangaroos, The swaggie climbs aboard, he is welcome too. All the family's there, sitting by the pool, Christmas Day the Aussie way, by the barbecue. Oh! Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way, Christmas in Australia on a scorching summers day, Hey! Jingle bells, jingle bells, Christmas time is beaut!, Oh what fun it is to ride in a rusty Holden Ute. Come the afternoon, Grandpa has a doze, The kids and Uncle Bruce, are swimming in their clothes. The time comes 'r
Funny
1. The patient refused autopsy. 2. The patient has no previous history of suicides. 3. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital. 4. Note: patient here-recovering from forehead cut. Patient became very angry when given an enema by mistake. 5. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year. 6. On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it disappeared. 7. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed. 8. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993. 9. Discharge status: Alive but without permission. 10. Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally alert but forgetful. 11. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch. 12. She is numb from her toes down. 13. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home. 14. The skin was moist and dry. 15. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.
Funny Shit
This is the coolest thing I've read in ages! My uber gorgeous, way fucking cool, sleaze-boy friend, Jaculyn Fucking Jayne, from MySpace wrote this and it was too good not to share it. No matter how you feel about the bands involved, you have to admit, it oozes of his literary genius. A killer journalist you will be, my dear! Check out Jaculyn Fucking Jayne's MySpace page here. ENJOY! ~TP **************************************************** You know, I joke around a lot and don't take many things seriously, but this is something that I hold close to my heart. This is an issue that everyone should be worried about and take action again. I'm not talking about something made up like big foot and gay marriage, I'm talking about an issue much more important than anything like that. According to the Chicago Sun, since this cyclone of mind numbing agony has been in existence, at least 170 million unsuspecting victims have been taken in his wrath. Yes
Funny Stuff
Holy mother, full of grace Bless my boyfriend's gorgeous face Bless his hair that tends to curl Keep him safe from all the girls Bless his arms that are so strong Keep his hands where they belong Bless his dick, the one i sucked Bless the bed, in which we fucked And if my Mom happened to walk in Bless the shit I'd be in. Amen! Yesterday I went to the doctor for my yearly physical. My blood pressure was high, my cholesterol was high, I'd gained some weight, and I didn't feel so hot. My doctor said eating right doesn't have to be complicated And it would solve my physical problems. He said just think in colors; Fill your plate with bright colors; greens, yellows, reds, etc. I went right home and ate an entire bowl of M&M's and Sure enough, I felt better immediately. I never knew Eating right could be so easy. 1. You can get chocolate. 2. Chocolate satisfies even when it has gone soft. 3. You can have as many kinds of chocolate as you can handle. 4. You ca
Funnies....
STUPID HUSBAND.... >> He forgot his Wedding anniversary and his wife was really ticked off at him. >> She told him, "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in under 6 seconds, AND IT BETTER BE THERE." >> The next morning, Mark got up really early. When his wife woke up a couple of hours later, she looked out the window, and sure enough, there was a small gift-wrapped box sitting in the middle of the driveway. >> Confused, the wife put on her robe, Ran out to the driveway, and took the box into the house. >> She opened it, and found a brand new bathroom scale. Mark is not yet well enough to have visitors.
Funny Jokes
The kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the time came for the little kids to give their reports, the teacher was calling on them one at a time. She was reluctant to call on little Johnny, knowing that he sometimes could be a bit crude. But, eventually, his turn came.... Little Johnny walked up to the front of the class and, with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard, then sat back down. Well, the teacher couldn't figure out what Johnnie had in mind for his report on something exciting, so she asked him just what that was. "It's a period," reported Johnnie. "Well, I can see that," she said, "but what's so exciting about a period?" "Damned if I know", said Johnny, "but, this morning, my sister said she missed one. Then Dad had a heart attack, Mom feinted, and the man next door shot himself!" Q. What do a gynaecologist and a pizza delivery boy have i
Funny But True Headlines
The Year's Best (actual) Headlines Of 2006: Crack Found on Governor's Daughter [hmm!] Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says [No, really?] Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers [Now that's taking things a bit far!] Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus? [Do they ever read what they write?] Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over [What a guy!] Miners Refuse to Work after Death [No-good-for-nothing' lazy so-and-sos!] Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant [See if that works any better than a fair trial!] War Dims Hope for Peace [I can see where it might have that effect!] If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile [You think?!] Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures [Who would have thought!] Enfield ( London ) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide [They may be on to something!] Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges [You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?!] Man Struck By Lightning:
Funny Bulitens! ^_^ Lmao
70 Ways To Tell You've Been Online Too Long 1. Tech Support calls "YOU" for help. 2. Someone at work tells you a joke and you say "LOL". 3. You watch TV with the closed captioning turned on. 4. You have called out someone's screen name while making love to your significant other. 5. You keep begging your friends to get an account so "we can hang out". 6. Three words: Carpal Tunnel Syndrome. 7. You've even gotten on an airplane just to meet some folks face-to- face. 8. You have to get a 2d phone line just so you can call Pizza Hut. 9. You go into labor and you stop to type a special e-mail to let everyone know you're going to be away. 10. You have a vanity car tag with your screen name on it. 11. You no longer type with proper capitalization, punctuation, or complete sentences. 12. You have met over 100 AOLers. 13. You begin to say "heh heh heh" instead of laughing. 14. When someone says "What did you say?" you reply "Scroll up!" 15. Yo
Funnies
There once was an American Indian who had only one testicle, and whose given name was 'Onestone'. He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone. After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said,' If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!' The word got around and nobody called him that any more. Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot and said, 'Good morning, Onestone.' He jumped up, grabbed her andtook her deep into the forest where he made love to her all day and all night. He made love to her all the next day, until Blue Bird died from exhaustion. The word got around that Onestone meant what he promised he would do. Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name until A woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away.. Yellow Bird, who was Blue Bird's cousin, was overjoyed when she saw Onestone. She hugged him and said, 'Good to see you, Onestone.' Onestone grabbed
Funnies And Anecdotes
If you know someone with small children or you are a teacher, you will love this! Do you have a pair of scissors like these? I can certainly imagine seeing this one proudly displayed on the mother's fridge at home... Quote from the mom: 'This is my kindergartens' artistic rendering of a pair of scissors.' I wonder what his teacher thought. I allowed myself just a small smirk when I saw it. I waited until he was out of the room before I started crying, from laughing so hard.' LOST IN THE DARNDEST PLACES: An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report that her car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher: "They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!" she cried. The dispatcher said, "Stay calm. An officer is on the way." A few minutes later, the officer radios in. "Disregard." He says. "She got in the back-seat by mistake." ___________________
Funny Shit
The truth about what happened? and proof???? Wait till after Friday and u will see all the proof and facts! I did not deserve this and MY DAUGHTER did not either! That is all i am going to say! Thank you and god bless you! KT LAST CHILD SUPPORT CHECK > >Today my baby girl's 18th birthday... I be so glad that this be my last child support payment! Month after month, year after year, all those dang payments! > >So I calls my baby girl, LaKeesha, to comes to my house, and when she get there, I told her, "Baby girl, I want you to take this check over to yo momma house and tell her this be the last check she EVER be gettin' from me, and I want you to come back and tell me the 'spression on yo mama's face." > >So, my baby girl take the check over to her momma. I be anxious to hear what she say, and bout the 'spression on her face. > >Baby girl walk through the door... I say, "Now what yo momma say 'bout that?" > >She say to tell you that "you ain't my daddy"... and watch t
Funnys
In Lebanon , men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a male animal is punishable by death. (Like THAT makes sense.) *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* In Bahrain , a male doctor may legally examine a woman's genitals, but is prohibited from looking directly at them during the examination. He may only see their reflection in a mirror. (Do they look different reversed?) ~*~**~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse! . This also applies to undertakers. The sex organs of the deceased must be covered with a brick or piece of wood at all times. (A brick??) *~*~**~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation. (Much worse than "going blind!") *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having s
Funny Shit
>An interesting car ad here... >This is a car advertisement from Great Britain. When they finished >filming the ad, the film editor noticed something moving along the >side >of the car, like a ghostly white mist. They found out that a person >had >been killed a year earlier in that exact same spot. The ad was >never put on TV because of the unexplained ghostly >phenomenon. Watch the front end of the car as it clears the trees in >the >middle of the screen and you'll see the white mist crossing in front >of >the car then following it along the road....Spooky! Is it a ghost, >or is it simply mist? You decide. If you listen to the >ad, you'll even hear the cameraman whispering in the background >about it >near the end of the commercial. > >Be sure to listen... It is pretty spooky.
Funnies
MyHotComments / HotFreeLayouts MyHotComments / HotFreeLayouts MyHotComments / HotFreeLayouts
Funny
Funny
Darned If I Know......... > > A kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find > out about something > exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When > the time came to > present what they'd found, the first little boy walked > up to the front of > the class made a small white dot .on the blackboard > and sat back down. > Puzzled, the teacher asked him just what it was. "It's > a period,'' said the > little boy. > > Well, I can see that,'' she said, "but what is so > exciting about a > period???" > > Darned if I know,'' said the little boy, "but this > morning my sister was > missing one. Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted, > and the man next door > shot himself."
Funny Jokes
1) Avoiding her lips and diving straight for the erogenous zones makes her feel like you're paying by the hour and trying to get your money's worth by cutting out nonessentials. A proper passionate kiss is the ultimate form of foreplay. 2) BLOWING TOO HARD IN HER EAR. Admit it, some kid at school told you girls love this. Well, there's a difference between being erotic and blowing as if you're trying to extinguish the candles on your 50th birthday cake. That hurts. 3) NOT SHAVING. We often forget we have a porcupine strapped to our chin which you rake repeatedly across your partner's face and thighs. When she turns her head from side to side, it's not passion, it's avoidance. 4) SQUEEZING HER BREAST. Most of us act like a housewife testing a melon for ripeness when they get their hand on a pair. Stroke, caress, and smooth them. 5) BITING HER NIPPLES. Why do we fasten onto a woman's nipples, then clamp down like we're trying to deflate her body via her breasts?
Funny But Not!
The sex fairy ? This is hilarious! Be sure to read the warning at the bottom. I didn't change a word! I'm not messing with the Sex Fairy! 1. Sex is a beauty treatment. Scientific tests find that when women make love they produce amounts of the hormone estrogen, which makes hair shine and skin smooth. ============= 2. Gentle, relaxed lovemaking reduces your chances of suffering dermatitis, skin rashes and blemishes. The sweat produced cleanses the pores and makes your skin glow. ============= 3. Lovemaking can burn up those calories you piled on during that romantic dinner. ============= 4. Sex is one of the safest sports you can take up. It stretches and tones up just about every muscle in the body. It's more enjoyable than swimming 20 laps, and you don't need special sneakers! ============= 5. Sex is an instant cure for mild depression. It releases endorphins into the bloodstream, producing a sense of euphoria and leaving you with a feeling of well-being. =============
Funny
FW: Fwd: FDA Watch In Pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name. For example, the trade name of Tylenol also has a generic name of Acetaminophen. Aleve is also called Naproxen. Amoxil is also call Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen. The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin. Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin. Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of "cocktails", "highballs" and just a good old-fashioned "stiff drink". Pepsi will market
Funny Shit
Staff Notice With immediate effect, a toilet policy will be established to provide a more consistent method of accounting for staff, ensuring effective time management and equal treatment for all. On the first day of every month, all staff will be issued 20 toilet trip credits which may be accumulated. The doors to all toilets will be equipped with computer-linked voice recognition devices. Staff must immediately provide management with two voiceprints, one normal and one under stress. Once the employee's toilet trip bank reaches zero, the doors of the toilet will not unlock for the employee's voice until the first of the month. In addition, all cubicles are to be equipped with timed paper-roll extractors. If the toilet is occupied for more than three minutes, an alarm will sound. Thirty seconds later, the roll of toilet paper will retract into the dispenser, the toilet will flush and the door will open automatically. If the toilet remains occupied, your photograph will be tak
Funny Stuf
Cool Slideshows
Funny And True
FAKE ASS FRIENDS: Never ask for food. REAL FRIENDS: are the reason you have no food. FAKE ASS FRIENDS: Call your parents Mr/Mrs REAL FRIENDS: Call your parents DAD/MOM FAKE ASS FRIENDS: bail you out of jail and tell you what you did was wrong. REAL FRIENDS: Would sit next to you sayin "Damn ... we fucked up ... but that shit was fun!" FAKE ASS FRIENDS: never seen you cry. REAL FRIENDS: cry with you FAKE ASS FRIENDS: Borrow your stuff for a few days then give it back. REAL FRIENDS: keep your shit so long they forget its yours. FAKE ASS FRIENDS: know a few things about you. REAL FRIENDS: Could write a book about you with direct quotes from you. FAKE ASS FRIENDS: Will leave you behind if that is what the crowd is doing. REAL FRIENDS: Will kick the whole crowds ass that left you. FAKE ASS FRIENDS: Would knock on your front door. REAL FRIENDS: Walk right in and say "I'M HOME!" FAKE ASS FRIENDS: Are for awhile. REAL FRIENDS: Are for life.
Funny But True...
NEW PREAMBLE TO THE CONSTITUTION The following has been attributed to State Representative Mitchell Aye from GA. This guy should run for President one day... "We the sensible people of the United States, in an attempt to help everyone get along, restore some semblance of justice, avoid more riots, keep our nation safe, promote positive behavior, and secure the blessings of debt-free liberty to ourselves and our great-great-great-grandchildren, hereby try one more time to ordain and establish some common sense guidelines for the terminally whiny, guilt ridden, delusional, and other Liberal bed-wetters. We hold these truths to be self evident: that a whole lot of people are confused by the Bill of Rights and are so dim they require a Bill of NON-Rights." ARTICLE I: You do not have the right to a new car, big screen TV, or any other form of wealth. More power to you if you can legally acquire them, but No one is guaranteeing anything. ARTICLE II: You do not have
Funny Shit
A stranger was seated next to a little girl on the airplane when the stranger turned to her and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger." The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the stranger, "What would you like to talk about?" Oh, I don't know", said the stranger. "How about nuclear power?" "OK," she said. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass, the same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?" The stranger thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea," To which the little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?" Two fleas from Wisconsin had an agreement to meet every winter in Miami for a vacation. Las
~ Funny Chit ~
watch how fast he gives that evil look and just laughs so hard , cute kid Funny Dog runs all over and the cat just setting there waiting lol hehe Yea dear lets get some beer and chips and set on the balcony and watch the idiots drive in the snow :) hehe Watch the 1st one he hits 10 times before he stops lol
Funny Stuff
I have heard of some funny shit in my time but this is some of the worst ... I'm sure you all have heard of some "Dear" columns where people write in to get advice ... well get a load of these guys ... Dear Abby, A couple of women moved in across the hall from me. One is a middle-aged gym teacher and the other is a social worker in her mid twenties. These two women go everywhere together and I've never seen a man go into or leave their apartment. Do you think they could be Lebanese? Dear Abby, What can I do about all the Sex, Nudity, Fowl Language and Violence On my VCR? Dear Abby, I have a man I can't trust. He cheats so much, I'm not even sure the baby I'm carrying is his. Dear Abby, I am a twenty-three year old liberated woman who has been on the pill for two years. It's getting expensive and I think my boy friend should share half the cost, but I don't know him well enough to discuss money with him. Dear Abby, I've suspected that my husband has been fooling aro
Fun Night
YEAH LAST FRIDAY WAS THE BOMB DIGGETY!~!HEHE YEAH BOTH MY BROTHERS CAME OVER N ONE OF THEIR FRIENDS AND YEAH IT WAS FUNN FUCKED UP N HAVEN A BLAST WELL I WASNT FUCKED UP BUT THEY WERE IT WAS FUNNII AS HELL BUT ANYWAY HOLLA AT ME SOMETIME~!~ YEAH THIS SATURDAY ITS GOING TO BE THE BOMB DIGGETY~!~*!~*~ YEAH GET DRUCK PARTY HEHE YEAH THATS HOW WE ROLL PEOPLE HIT ME UPP IF YOU KNOW ME~!~*~*!
~~funny Shit~~
OKAY, TODAY WAS A LONG DAY, BUT, I DID GET A COUPLE OF REALLY GOOD LAUGHS. OKAY SO MY CO-WORKER AND FRIEND WAS BEING FUNNY TODAY. SHE WAS RANTING AND RAVING (VENTING WE CALL IT) ABOUT HER HUSBAND AND STUFF. AND THEN SHE WENT TO HER OFFICE. SO ME KIDDING AROUND (WHEN SHE CAME OUT TO TALK TO THE BOSS) TOLD HER TO GO BACK TO HER OFFICE AND LEAVE THE BOSS ALONE. OR SOMETHING TO THAT EFFECT. CAN'T REMEMBER TOO CLEARLY. I'M KINDA TIRED BY NOW. IT'S NI NI TIME!!!! SO WHAT DOES SHE DO!!!!! SHE SAYS T YOU BE QUIET OKAY. I WAS LIKE HELL NO SHE DIDN'T!!!! AND I STARTED LAUGHING!!! I WAS LIKE NO U DIDN'T SHUT ME UP!!! SHE'S LIKE NO, I DIDN'T, I SAID PLEASE BE QUIET. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE. WHATEVER!!! THERE IS SO NOT A DIFFERENCE!!!!! ANYWAY!!!!!! SO SHE WAS TALKING TO THE BOSS AND THEN I MADE SOME COMMENT OR OTHER AND DOESN'T SHE SAY T YOU KNOW WHAT I TELL MY KIDS? I'M LIKE WHAT AND SHE SAYS I TELL THEM "OKAY IT'S QUIET TIME NOW OKAY?" OH HELL NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! SHE DIDN'T GO THER
Funny
1. I've smoked fatter joints than that. 2. Ahh, it's cute. 3. Who circumcised you? 4. Why don't we just cuddle? 5. You know they have surgery to fix that. 6. It's more fun to look at. 7. Make it dance. 8. You know, there's a tower in Italy like that. 9. Can I paint a smiley face on that? 10. It looks like a night crawler. 11. Wow, and your feet are so big. 12. My last boyfriend was 4'' bigger. 13. It's ok, we'll work around it. 14. Is this a mild or a spicy Slim Jim? 15. Eww, there's an inch worm on your thigh. 16. Will it squeak if I squeeze it? 17. Oh no, a flash headache. 18. (giggle and point) 19. Can I be honest with you? 20. My 8-year-old brother has one like that. 21. Let me go get my tweezers. 22. How sweet, you brought incense. 23. This explains your car. 24. You must be a growing boy. 25. Maybe if we water it, it'll grow. 26. Thanks, I needed a toothpick. 27. Are you one of those pygmies? 28. Have you ever thought of worki
Funny Stuff :)
Funny
the time has come for grown ups to do just that grow up, the senseless boo hooing over pics, blogs, comments and the like, as being unsuitable is rediculous we know they are unsuitable when they are labled as such or as adult it is the same cartoons are just that cartoons plants are plants get over it this is not school lets act accordingly we are old enough to monitor ourselves if there is a prob tell the person be a grown up i promise they will not beat you up on the play ground at recess so lets just get along none of that Sissy Crap!!!!) Are you tired of those sissy "friendship" poems that always sound good, but never actually come close to reality? Well, here is a series of promises that actually speak of true friendship. You will see no cutesy little smiley faces on this card- just the stone cold truth of our friendship. 1 When you are sad -- I will help you get drunk and plot revenge against the sorry bastard who made you that way. 2. When you are blue -- I will
Funny
Funny 2
HELLYEAH LYRICS "Alcohaulin' Ass" A little bit of sunshine A little bit of booze A little bit of me And a little bit of you A little bit country A little bit of blues A slice of heaven And a little piece of you...come on Alcohaulin' ass Pour another drink in my glass Alcohaulin' ass Alcohaul...in' ass A little bit thirsty A little bit used A little bit of whiskey And a little pinch of chew A little bit tired And a bad attitude A little bit of drinkin And another piece of you Alcohaulin' ass Pour another drink in my glass Alcohaulin' ass Alcohaulin' Alcohaulin' You drove me to it So there was nothing i could do You pushed me down Split me right in two Now i found the long hard road Carried the weight of you Boy oh boy god damn Only one thing left to do Alcohaulin' ass Pour another drink in my glass Alcohaulin' ass Pour another drink in my glass Alcohaul...in' ass [ www.azlyrics.com ]
Funny
Penis breath, a lover's dread, Is what you get when you give head. Unpleasant as it tends to be, Be grateful that he doesn't pee. It's times like this, you wonder why, You bothered reaching for his fly. But it's too late, can't be a tease, Accept the facts, get on your knees. You know you've got a job to do, So open wide and shove it through, Lick the tip then take it all. Don't drag your teeth or he might bawl. Slide up and down, use your tongue. And feel the precum start to run, Your jaw it aches, your neck is numb, So when the hell's he gonna cum? Just, when you can't take anymore, You hear your lover's mighty roar. And when he hits that real high note, You feel it oozing down your throat. Salty, fishy, sticky stuff, Okay already, that's enough. Let's switch you say, before you gag, And what revenge, you're on the rag!
Funny Shit! This Is Why I Love The Internet!
CyberMaster: Hello, sub_lime. What do you look like? sub_lime: I am wearing a red silk blouse, a miniskirt and high heels. I work out every day, I'm toned and perfect. My measurements are 36-24-36. What do you look like? CyberMaster: I'm 6'3" and about 250 pounds. I wear glasses and I have on a pair of blue sweat pants I just bought from Walmart. I'm also wearing a T-shirt with a few spots of barbecue sauce on it from dinner...it smells funny. Ohh and I have one of those stick things. A crop, I think. sub_lime: I'm feeling very submissive. I want you. Would you like to screw me? CyberMaster: OK sub_lime: We're in my bedroom. There's soft music playing on the stereo and candles on my dresser and night table. I'm looking up into your eyes, smiling. I get on my knees for you. My hand works its way down to your crotch and begins to fondle your huge, swelling bulge. CyberMaster: I'm gulping, I'm beginning to sweat. I dropped my stick er..crop. sub_lime: I'm pul
Funny Shit
They're here already! You're Ass Munching! You're Ass Munching! Which movie was this quote from? Invasion of the Body Snatchers (1956) (the word was 'next') I'm a goddamn marvel of modern Fucking. Get your own quotes: http://thesurrealist.co.uk/movie.phpmethod
Funny But An Odd Joke
Little Johnny comes home one day and says, "Mom! Little Mark next door has a penis like a peanut!" "What do you mean, Johnny? Is it shaped like a peanut?" "No," says Johnny. "It's salty."
Funny Stuff
Funnies
A guy goes to see his Doctor, because he's been a little too, well endowed, shall we say. In fact. It's 25 inches long. Can't get any woman to have sex with him. No men either, one would think. Anyway, the Doctor says there is nothing that he can do medically, but sends him to see a witch that he thinks may be able to help. Witch takes a look at the problem (YIKES!) and tells him to go to a particular pond, deep in the forest, and talk to a frog that lives there. "Ask the frog to marry you and each time the frog says no, you'll be 5 inches shorter." Worth a try he thinks, and off he dashes into the forest, as anyone in this sort of joke would. Finds the pond and sees the frog on the other side, sitting on a log. "Will you marry me?" he calls to the frog. Frog looks at him, disinterested at best, and calls back, "No." Guy looks down, and sure enough, he's 5 inches shorter. Hey, this is great, he thinks-- let's try this again. "Will you marry me?" he asked the
Funny As Hell
I got this idea from Sweet Turtle, god bless her turtle heart :) Sing this to the tune of "The Little Drummer Boy". I call it, "The little fubar guy" OK? In the key of "M"....mmmmmmmm Said the newbie to the Twisted Fu Do you know what I heard? Read it on a bulletin, Twisted Fu Do you know what I heard? The bling, the bling, that he gave to me, Was because my NSFW pics are free. Was because my NSFW pics are free. Said the Twisted Fu to the Barfly Do you see what I see? In an unmarked folder, Barfly Do you see what I see? Some bewbs! Some bewbs! Nice as I have seen! And she’s showing them off for some bling, And she’s showing them off for some bling. Said the Barfly, to the Fu-gee Did you read what I read? In some stupid mumm, Fu-gee. Did you read what I read? Fubucks, Fubucks, man this really sucks! She’ll open her NSFW for fubucks, She’ll open her NSFW for fubucks. Said the Fu-gee to the mighty Fuking Would you help me out some? While you
Funnies
A U.S. Marine squad was marching north of Fallujah when they came upon an Iraqi terrorist, badly injured and unconscious. On the opposite side of the road was an American Marine in a similar state. The Marine was conscious and alert and as first aid was given to both men, the squad leader asked the injured Marine what had happened. The Marine reported, "I was heavily armed and moving north along the highway here, and coming south was a heavily armed insurgent. We saw each other and both took cover in the ditches along the road. "I yelled to him that Saddam Hussein is a miserable, lowlife scumbag, and he yelled back that Ted Kennedy is a good-for-nothing, fat, left wing liberal Democrat drunk." "So I said that Osama Bin Laden dresses and acts like a frigid, mean-spirited lesbian! He retaliated by yelling, oh yeah? Well, so does Hillary Clinton!" "And, there we were, in the middle of the road, shaking hands, when a truck hit us." -- Long Live Foamy the Squi
Funny Shit
Go to google Click maps Click get directions Go from New York to Paris, France Then scroll down to #23 ENJOY!
Funny
This was written by a guy... it's pretty damn funny. Girls -- Please have a sense of humor! I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart. FOR EXAMPLE: One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me." I said, "WHAT??!! What was that?!" So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear... "You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man." She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?" Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep. The very next day I opted to take the d
Funny
Can you see what is wrong with each picture? If not you need to re-think driving. :} Please Conment bomb me for this contest!this is the link to your photo:
Funny As Hell
Funny Thing From The Posts?
1. Assuming he can get a raging hard on when it suits you. Contrary to popular belief, men can't just flip a switch and get it up because you decided to stop being a frigid bitch. Getting it hard is your job. I suggest you figure it out. 2. Thinking that kissing needs to be this sweet romantic thing all the time. Sometimes pressing your lips against your partners mouth while you get off is the hot. It depends on the situation. 3. Leaving him responsible for your orgasm. You know what gets you off. Tell him. If you don't, it's your own fault when he's snoozing and you're all wound up. 4. Expecting him to cuddle. Men and women are wired differently. Sex makes most women want to talk and bond and all that shit. It makes men pass out. It's a biological thing. Stop fighting it, and stop holding it over his head, it's not his fault. 5. Expecting him to fall asleep with you in his arms. That shit is uncomfortable after awhile. A little snuggling isn't unreasonable, but when it'
Funny
In Memoriam Please join me in remembering a great icon of the entertainment community. The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and trauma complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71. Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch. The gravesite was piled high with flours. Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded. Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times he still was a crusty old man and was considered a positive roll model for millions. Doughboy is survived by his wife Play Dough, two children, John Dough and Jane Doug
Funnies
Here are six reasons why you should think before you speak. Have you ever spoken and wished that you could immediately take the words back... or that you could crawl into a hole? Here are the Testimonials of a few people who did.... FIRST TESTIMONY: I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow andasked loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?" I turned around and walked back out and never went back. My husband didn't say a word...he knew better. SECOND TESTIMONY: I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store. He asked if he could help me. Without thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with men's balls." THIRD TESTIMONY: My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of candy and nuts. As we were l
Funny Stuff (or Not So Funny)
SOUTHERN BIRTH SIGNS: What's Your "Southern" Sign? Some of us (especially Southerners) are pretty skeptical of horoscopes, and it has become obvious that what we need are "Southern" symbols: OKRA (Dec 22 - Jan 20) Although you appear crude, you are actually very slick on the inside. Okras have tremendous influence. An older Okra can look back over his life and see the seeds of his influence everywhere. Stay away from Moon Pies. CHITLIN (Jan 21 - Feb 19) Chitlins come from humble backgrounds. A chitlin, however, can make something of himself if he's motivated and has lots of seasoning. In dealing with Chitlins, be careful. They can erupt like Vesuvius. Chitlins are best with Catfish and Okra. BOLL WEEVIL (Feb 20 - Mar 20) You have an overwhelming curiosity. You're unsatisfied with the surface of things, and you feel the need to bore deep into the interior of everything. Needless to say, you are very intense and driven as if you had some inner hunger. Nobody in thei
Funny Stuff I Found In Bulletins
Thought this was great,,gives me ideas,lol 16 things to do at wal mart 1. Get 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they aren't looking. 2. Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals. 3. Make a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the rest rooms. 4. Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an official tone, " 'Code 3' in housewares".... and see what happens. 5. Go the Service Desk and ask to put a bag of M&M's on lay away. 6. Move a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area. 7. Set up a tent in the camping department and tell other shoppers you'll invite them in if they'll bring pillows from the bedding department. 8. When a clerk asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask, "Why can't you people just leave me alone?" 9. Look right into the security camera & use it as a mirror, and pick your nose. 10. While handling guns in the hunting department, ask the clerk if he knows where
Funny Stuff
Funny Stuff
My favorite sluts are Aquarius. Why? Because if you don’t expect anything in return, you won’t be disappointed. Sounds easy, huh? They will get under your skin though, so beware. It’s easy to be hurt by an Aquarius because they don’t want you to know what they are thinking. If they are silent, but you are in the room with them, chances are they are in heavy thought. But don’t worry, chances are they are thinking about you and fifteen other things. Water bearers look at sex like it is a form of recess. They can turn you on by simply walking in the room. They are the Rain Man of the Zodiac. They give too much of themselves to others that don’t give a shit, then get shy to those that care about them. Go figure. They like kinky. They are easy going. To them, it’s a learning experience. Male Aquarians like to tease and live life in a fantasy world. Female Aquarians can’t masturbate enough. Males never get the chance to masturbate because eve
Funny
Funny Things !!!!!!
Clocks in Heaven! > >> > >>> A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the > >>>Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked, > >>>"What are all those clocks? > >>> > >>>St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a > >>>Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move." > >>> > >>>"Oh," said the man, "whose clock is that?" > >>> > >>>"That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating > >>>that she never told a lie." > >>> > >>>"Incredible," said the man. "And whose clock is that one?" > >>> > >>>St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have > >>>moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life > >>> > >>>"Where's Hillary Clinton's clock?" asked the man. > >>> > >>>"Hillary's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling > >>>fan." Fucked up Jokes!! Two old men decide they are close to their last days and dec
Funny Stuff
Funny Photo Contest
Photo Contest: Alright Check This It Out My Friends - My Family There Are (18)# Photo’s Below Only One Of These Photo’s Is A Fake Aka A Phony-Bologna LoL ! Examine Each One –n- E-Mail Me Back With The One Right Answer If You Get It Right I’ll Send You An E-mail Conformation With The Right Answer… I’ll Than Send You A Cool Prize To Your Page Ok Good Luck Cause Your Going To Need It Enough Said Haa LoL.. 1. Little kitten Being Crushed Though The Sofa Help Me Meow. 2. A Man With Is Packing Large; Hey No Homo. 3. 80 Pound Red Lobster Out Of Water. 4. 6 Foot Giant Cat Fish Out Of Water. 5. Giant 36 Foot Python Snake Eats A Sheep that’s is Also Pregnant. 6. Giant 36 Foot Python Snake Has More Teeth Than A Great White Shark. 7. A Women Who Can Pleasure Herself. 8. A Man with a Giant House Cat. 9. A Giant 47 Foot Squid. 10. A Man With A Rare Medical Condition Disease That Has Effected Has Penis.
Funny
Grandma and Grandpa were visiting their kids overnight. When Grandpa found a bottle of Viagra in his son's medicine cabinet, he asked about using one of the pills. The son said, "I don't think you should take one Dad; they're very strong and very expensive." "How much?" asked Grandpa. $10.00 a pill," answered the son. "I don't care," said Grandpa, "I'd still like to try one, and before we leave in the morning, I'll put the money under the pillow." The next morning, the son found $110.00 under the pillow. He called Grandpa and said, "I told you each pill was $10.00, not $110.00." "I know," said Grandpa. "The hundred is from Grandma
Funny Sick Poem
THESE ARE ENTRIES TO A WASHINGTON POST COMPETITION ASKING FOR A TWO-LINE RHYME WITH THE MOST ROMANTIC FIRST LINE, BUT THE LEAST ROMANTIC SECOND LINE: My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife: Marrying you screwed up my life. I see your face when I am dreaming. That's why I always wake up screaming. Kind, intelligent, loving and hot; This describes everything you are not. Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss, But I only slept with you 'cause I was pissed I thought that I could love no other -- that is until I met your brother. Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you. But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's empty and so is your head. I want to feel your sweet embrace; But don't take that paper bag off your face. I love your smile, your face, and your eyes - Damn, I'm good at telling lies! My love, you take my breath away. What have you stepped in to smell this way? My feelings for yo
Funny Stuff
Funny!!!!!!
IF A MAN WANTS YOU If a man wants you, nothing can keep him away. If he doesn't want you, nothing can make him stay. Stop making excuses for a man and his behavior. Allow your intuition (or spirit) to save you from heartache. Stop trying to change yourself for a relationship that's not meant to be. Slower is better. Never live your life for a man before you find what makes you truly happy. If a relationship ends because the man was not treating you as you deserve then heck no, you can't "be friends." A friend wouldn't mistreat a friend. Don't settle. If you feel like he is stringing you along, then he probably is. Don't stay because you think "it will get better." You'll be mad at yourself a year later for staying when things are not better. The only person you can control in a relationship is you. Avoid men who've got a bunch of children by a bunch of different women. He didn't marry them when he got
Funny & Sweet Things!!!!!!!!
The Keys to Your Heart You are attracted to good manners and elegance. In love, you feel the most alive when your lover is creative and never lets you feel bored. You'd like to your lover to think you are stylish and alluring. You would be forced to break up with someone who was insecure and in constant need of reassurance. Your ideal relationship is open. Both of you can talk about everything... no secrets. Your risk of cheating is zero. You care about society and morality. You would never break a commitment. You think of marriage as something precious. You'll treasure marriage and treat it as sacred. In this moment, you think of love as something you can get or discard anytime. You're feeling self centered. What Are The Keys To Your Heart? WHY GOD MADE MOMS Answers given by 2nd grade school children to the following questions: Why did God make mothers? 1. She's the only one who knows where the scotch tape is. 2. Mostly to clean the house.
Funny
Funny
In Pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name. For example, the trade name of Tylenol also has a generic name of Acetaminophen. Aleve is also called Naproxen. Amoxil is also call Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen. The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin. Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin. Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obv iously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of "cocktails", "highballs" and just a good old-fashioned "stiff drink". Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name
Funny
Are you tired of those sissy "friendship" poems that always sound good, But never actually come close to reality? Well, here is a series of promises that actually speak of true friendship. You will see no cutesy little smiley faces on this card - Just the stone cold truth of our great riendship. 1. When you are sad -- I will help you get drunk and plot revenge against The sorry bastard who made you sad. 2. When you are blue -- I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you. 3. When you smile -- I will know you are plotting something that I must be involved in. 4. When you are scared -- I will rag on you about it every chance I get. 5. When you are worried -- I will tell you horrible stories about how much Worse it could be until you quit whining. 6. When you are confused -- I will use little words. 7. When you are sick -- Stay the hell away from me until you are well Again. I don't want whatever you have. 8. When
Funny Stuff
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Police are warning all men who frequent clubs, parties and local pubs to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink from any woman. Many females use a date rape drug on the market called 'Beer.' The drug is found in liquid form and is available anywhere. It comes in bottles, cans, or from taps and in large 'kegs'. Beer is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims into various unwholesome activities. At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life's savings, in a familiar scam known as 'a relationship.' In extreme cases, the female may even be shrewd enough to entrap the unsuspecting male into a longer term form of servitude and punishment referred to as 'marriage.' Men are much more susceptible to this scam after beer is administered. For a video to see how beer works click here: http://www.brackenspub.com/beer.swf
Funny Stuff2
Man charged with battery after passing gas towards police officer Call it a case of assault with a smelly weapon. Police in West Virginia accuse Jose Cruz of passing gas -- then using his hand to fan it toward an officer. According to authorities, Cruz was pulled over in a traffic stop, smelled of booze and failed three field sobriety tests. He was hand-cuffed and taken to the police station for a breathalyzer test. A criminal complaint charges that Cruz scooted his chair toward an officer, then lifted his leg and "passed gas loudly. " Cruz says police denied his request to use a bathroom. He now faces a number of charges, including drunken driving and battery on a police officer. http://www. kltv. com/global/story. asp?s=9073162 Ralph came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumber. He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said, "You died in your sleep, Ralph. Ralph was stunned. "I'm dead? No I can't be I'
Funny Stuff
A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Harry, what's your problem?" Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!" Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office. While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed. Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test. Principal: "What is 3 x 3?" Harry : "9." Principal: "What is 6 x 6?" Harry: "36." And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know. The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, "I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade." Ms. Brooks says to the p
Funny Shit
A top 10 list about Eve 10. God was worried that Adam would frequently become lost in the garden because he would not ask for directions. 9. God knew that one day Adam would require someone to locate and hand him the remote. 8. God knew Adam would never go out and buy himself a new fig leaf when his wore out and would therefore need Eve to buy one for him. 7. God knew Adam would never be able to make a doctor's, dentist, or haircut appointment for himself. 6. God knew Adam would never remember which night to put the garbage on the curb. 5. God knew if the world was to be populated, men would never be able to handle the pain and discomfort of childbearing. 4. As the Keeper of the Garden, Adam would never remember where he left his tools. 3. Apparently, Adam needed someone to blame his troubles on when God caught him hiding in the garden. 2. As the Bible says, It is not good for man to be alone! And the #1 reason why God created Eve...
Funny Drama
I posted a new pic and am using it as my primary at the moment. The pic states "mess with me and you mess with the whole trailer park" I thought that I might as well share the story with my friends on here as to why I chose this picture. Yes, I live in a trailer park. I live in a trailer. I do not live in a mobile home community. Thats a joke, its a trailer park.We have our share of trailer trash, however just because you live in a trailer does not make you trash. Me, all trailer no trash..... Anyway about a year and a half ago the trailer next door to me was up for sale, the neighbor on the other side of me has a daughter with two grown childern, she bought it and moved in. only one child lives with her and he at the time was 15 and is a bad child. seriously a demon child. Well, we had many many problems. their late night fights, music blasting at all hours. cars comeing and going all the time, (they were selling drugs). So, of course me and a few neighbors were trying to get them
Funny
It was another Payday and I was tired of Mr. Goodbar. I saw Miss Hershey standing behind the Powerhouse on the corner of Clark and Fifth Avenue when I whipped out my Whopper and whispered, "hey Sweetheart, how'd you like to Krunch on my big hunk for a Million Dollar Bar?" Well, she immediately went down on my Tootsie Roll, and it was like Pure Almond Joy! I couldn't help but grab her delicious Mounds because it was easy to see that this little Twix had the Red Hots. It was all I could do to hold the Snicker and Crackle as my Butterfinger went up her tight little Kit Kat and she started to scream "Oh Henry, Oh Henry!" Soon she was fondling my Peter Pan and ZagNut and I knew it wouldn't be long before I blew my Milk Duds clear to Mars that gave her a taste of the old Milky Way. She asked me if I was into M&M, but I said, "Hey Chicklet, no kinky stuff." I said "Look you little Reese's Pieces, don't be a Zero, be a Lifesaver. Why don't you take my Whatchamacallit and slip it up your Bit 'O
Funny
virgo:THE VIRGIN Dominant in relationships. Sexy. someone loves them right now. Freak in bed. Always wants the last word. Caring. Smart. Intellectual. Attractive. Loud. Loyal. Easy to talk to. Hard to forget. Love at first sight. Everything you ever wanted. Easy to please. The one and only. Ultimate sexiness. --------------------------------------------------------------------------- SCORPIO: The lover¢¾ Can be mean somtimes. EXTREMELY sexy. Intelligent. Energetic. Predict future. Most erotic. (Freak in bed.) (GREAT kisser.) Always get what they want. Sexy. Attractive. Easy going. Loves being in long relationships. Talkative. The sexiest ever....Romantic. Caring. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- LIBRA: The sex addict Very pretty. Very romantic. Nice to everyone They meet. Their Love is one of a kind. Silly, fun and sweet. Have own unique sexiness. Most caring person you will ever meet! Amazing n Bed..!!! Did I say Ama
Funny
funny This ought to make you feel better about your computer skills! If you >skip any, you have to read the last one! Unbelievable, but supposedly >all true!!!! > > > > ================================= > > > > Tech support: What kind of computer do you have? > > > > Female customer: A white one... > > > > =============== > > > > Customer: Hi, this is Celine. I can't get my diskette out. > > > > Tech support: Have you tried pushing the Button? > > > > Customer: Yes, sure, it's really stuck. > > > > Tech support: That doesn't sound good; I'll make a note. > > > > Customer: No, wait a minute... I hadn't inserted it yet... it's still >on my desk... sorry.... > > > > =============== > > > > Tech support: Click on the 'my computer' icon on to the left of the >screen. > > > > Customer: Your left or my left? > > > > =============== > > > > Tech support: Good day. How may I help you? > > > > Male customer: Hello... I can't print. > > > > Tech support
A Funny
I was in Walmart buying a large bag of Purina for my dog – and was in line to check out. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog........ Duh! I was feeling a bit crabby so on impulse, I told her no, I was starting the Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care unit with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IV's in both arms. Her eyes about bugged out of her head. I went on and on with the bogus diet story and she was totally buying it. I told her that it was an easy, inexpensive diet and that the way it works is to load your pockets or purse with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The package said the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again. I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a tall guy behind her. Horrified, she asked
Funny
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Funny Stuff
Spider spider on the wall, What a stupid place to crawl, Didn’t you see it had just been plastered? Now your stuck you silly bastard. Little miss druggie, Sat in her buggy, Smoking an ounce of weed, Along came a spider and sat down beside her, And sold her a kilo of speed. Humpty dumpty fucked a fat whore, Humpty dumpty spunked on the floor, All the king’s horses and all the king’s men, Bent the bitch over and fucked her again. I am a farmer who lives in a bog, I’m widely known for the size of my knob, It’s too big for women so none I can keep, But it’s just the right size for shagging my sheep. Little Jack Horner, Sat in a corner, Licking his girlfriend dry, He stuck in his tongue, And sucked out some cum, And said, “Fuck me that was better than pie.” Zippy and Bungle went to the jungle, To have a bit of fun, But Zippy got silly, Pulled out his Willy, And shoved it up Bungle’s bum. Sex is a temptation, Caused by a sensation,
Funny Bugs
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Funny's
A guy goes to the supermarket and a beautiful blond woman waves at him and says hello. He's rather taken back, because he can't place where he knows her from. So he asks, "Do you know me?" To which she replies, "I think you're the father of one of my kids." Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, "My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I laid on the pool table with all my buddies watching, while your partner whipped my ass with wet celery???" She looks into his eyes and calmly says, "No, I'm your son's maths teacher."
Funny Stuff!
BATTLE OF THE SEXES CONTINUES 1. THINGY (thing-ee) n. Female: Any part under a car's hood. Male: The strap fastener on a woman's bra. 2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj. Female: Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another. Male: Playing cricket without a box. 3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n. Female: The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner. Male: Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys. 4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n. Female: A desire to get married and raise a family. Male: Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one. 5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n. Female: A good movie, concert, play or book. Male: Anything that can be done while drinking beer. 6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n. Female: An embarrassing by product of indigestion. Male: A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding. 7 MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n. Female: The greatest expression o
Funny
the post office came out with a new stamp in the shape of a clitoris but it is not selling because only 3% of men know how to lick it right.
Funny Shit!
This was sent to my mom.. I laughed so hard I was crying..lmao A fart it is a pleasant thing, It gives the belly ease, It warms the bed in winter, And suffocates the fleas. A fart can be quiet, A fart can be loud, Some leave a powerful, Poisonous cloud A fart can be short, Or a fart can be long, Some farts have been known To sound like a song...... A fart can create A most curious medley, A fart can be harmless, Or silent , and deadly. A fart might not smell, While others are vile, A fart may pass quickly, Or linger a while...... A fart can occur In a number of places, And leave everyone there, With strange looks on their faces. From wide-open prairie, To small elevators, A fart will find all of Us sooner or later. But farts are all bad, Is simply not true- We must never forget....... Sweet old farts like you! Kinda brings a tear to your eye - doesn't it? WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST
Funny Shit
Funnies!
How was everyone's holiday? Ours was interesting. Started off going out to Grapevine lake to see the big fireworks show out there with my Beazil's parents. My best friend, Becky and her son came along to watch. Beazil's parents decided to stay home last minute, but we still wanted to see the fireworks so we went on without them. On the way there, I started smelling something and said out loud, "Man, I hope that's the car in front of us. It smells like something is burning." Beazil replied in a tense voice, "It's anti-freeze. There's smoke coming out from under the hood." Of course, that had my alarm bells ringing and I jumped. "What?! Smoke?!" I hadn't been able to see it cuz it was only a little and it was blowing away on the drivers side as we went. I immediately looked at the temperature gauge and it was on H-O-T!!!! I freaked. I tried to tell Beazil that he had to stop the car now! EVERYONE knows that if the thermostat says it's hot and it's smoking..
Funny
Funny Things
A young man married a beautiful woman who had previously divorced 10 husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband to, "Please be gentle... I'm still a virgin". "What?" exclaimed the new groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?" "Well, husband #1 was a Sales Representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be. "Husband #2 was in Software Services; he was never really sure how it was suppose to function; but he said he'd look into it and get back with me. "Husband #3 was an automotive technician; he said that everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the engine running. "Husband #4 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, ..he didn't know when he would be able to deliver. "Husband #5 was a scientist; he understood the basic principle but he wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of- the-art procedure. "Husband #6 was an Administrator; he thought he
Funny
On New Year's Eve, Daniel was in no shape to drive, so he sensibly left his van in the car park and walked home. As he was wobbling along, he was stopped by a policeman. 'What are you doing out here at four o'clock in the morning?' asked the police officer.'I'm on my way to a lecture,' answered Roger.
Funny Stuff
keep honking I'm reloading just a little closer and I will flick a booger on your window shield
Funnies!
This is hysterical. If it had been presented this way, I don't believe any of us would have done it!!!! POSITION : Mom, Mommy, Mama, Ma Dad, Daddy, Dada, Pa, Pop JOB DESCRIPTION : Long term, team players needed, for challenging permanent work in an, often chaotic environment. Candidates must possess excellent communication and organizational skills and be willing to work variable hours, which will include evenings and weekends and frequent 24 hour shifts on call. Some overnight travel required, including trips to primitive camping sites on rainy weekends and endless sports tournaments in far away cities! Travel expenses not reimbursed. Extensive courier duties also required. RESPONSIBILITIES : The rest of your life. Must be willing to be hated, at least temporarily, until someone needs $5. Must be willing to bite tongue repeatedly. Also, must possess the physical stamina of a pack mule and be able to go from zero to 60 mph in three seconds
Funny Stuff
ok yall...guess what? I am pregnant! 5 1/2 weeks wooooohoooo....feeling a little shitty with morning sickness but otherwise i am good :) Gemini You are a master flirt. You know just how to pick up hotties, but it is usually just a one night stand because you are out to have fun. You like sex to be fun. You are not afraid to spice it up with some sex toys, blindfolds and food. Your ideal partner would be open minded, and into having fun too. Sex matches: Libra, Aquarius Take this quiz at QuizUniverse.com nicki will go to jail for ... Resisting arrest while having sex 'What sexual activity will you go to jail for?' at QuizUniverse.com
Funny Stuff
There are many signs you need to watch out for that could mean you are yet another surf junkie addicted to the internet... You find yourself typing "com" after every period when using a word processor.com You turn off your modem and get this empty feeling, like you just pulled the pin on a loved one. You start introducing yourself as "Jon at AOL dot com" Your wife drapes a blonde wig over your monitor to remind you of what she looks like. All of your friends have an @ in their names. You can't call your mother...she doesn't have a modem. Your phone bill comes to your doorstep in a box. You laugh at people with 14,400 baud modems. You move into a new house and decide to Netscape before you landscape. You refer to going to the bathroom as downloading. You tell the cab driver you live at http://69.luck.street/house/bluetrim.html Your spouse makes a new rule: "The computer cannot come to bed." You ask a plumber how much it would cost to r
Funny Shit
19 Ways to annoy your Public Bathroom Stallmate - Stick your palm up under the stall and ask your neighbor, "May I borrow a highlighter?" - Say "Uh oh, I knew I shouldn't put my lips on that." - Cheer and clap loudly every time somebody breaks the silence with a bodily function noise. - Say "Hmm, I've never seen that color before." - Drop a marble and say "Oh shit! My glass eye!" - Say "Damn, this water is cold. - Grunt and strain real loud for 30 seconds and then drop a cantelope into the toilet bowl from a place 6 to 8 feet high. Sigh relaxingly. - Say "Now how did that get in there?" - Say "Humus. Reminds me of humus." - Fill up a large water bottle with Mountain Dew. Squirt it erratically under the stall walls of your neighbors while yelling "Whoa! Easy boy!" - Say "Interesting...more sinkers than floaters." - Using a small squeeze tube, spread peanut butter on a wad of toilet paper and drop it under the stall wall of your neighbor. Then say, "Wh
Funny
Jose and Carlos are panhandling at the freeway off ramp each holding a sign. Jose drives a Mercedes, lives in a mortgage free house and has a lot of money to spend. Carlos only brings in 2 to 3 dollars a day. Carlos asks Jose how he can bring home a suitcase full of $10 bills every day. Jose says, "Look at your sign." It reads: "I have no work, a wife &6 kids to support. Carlos looks at Jose's sign. It reads: "I only need another $10.00 to move back to Mexico" Two women friends had gone out for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails. Incredibly drunk and walking home they suddenly realized they both needed to pee. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something. The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, used them and threw them away. Her friend however was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers, but was lucky enough to salvage a lar
Funny Videos
Funny, Take A Look
1991 xj6 sov. 117,000 miles looks,runs,and drives great forest green with tan leather all power and moon roof blue book on this sweet ride is 5,700.00 asking 4,500.00 or best offer. A real MUST SEE. This is a story about four people named everybody,somebody,anybody nobody. there was an important job to do,everybody was asked to do it, everybody was sure that somebody would do it. anybody would have done it but nobody did it, somebody got angry because it was everybody's job. everybody thought anybody would do it but nobody realized that everybody wouldn't do it. It ended up that everybody blamed somebody when nobody did what anybody could have done. 5280 to go to level..
Funny Sh*t
NuttinButtSexxy HOW BAD ARE YOU WANTED Post this and see how many messages u get....don't be scared!! (and i'll reply ) you can choose more than one if you want (1) just friends (2) gorgeous (3) cute as heck (4) hot (5) fine (6) sexy (7) amazingly sexy (8) we can be friends with benefits (9) id take u to my crib (10) i want 2 make u my gf/bf (11) i love u baby (12) you should be in porn
Funny News
Funny Quotes & Sayings
Good afternoon cyberspace! Just a collection of amusing quotes and sayings I've come across while surfing the web...hope you enjoy them! You know that look women get when they want sex? Me neither! -- Drew Carey I think I mentioned to Bob [Geldof] I could make love for eight hours. What I didn't say was that this included four hours of begging and then dinner and a movie. -- Sting A woman's mind is cleaner than a man's. She changes it more often. -- Oliver Herford I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry. -- Rita Rudner The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese. Constipated People Don't Give A crap. Some people drink from the fountain of knowledge, others just gurgle. It takes 42 muscels to smile, so instead pick up your middle finger and say bite me in a bitchy tone! Do stairs go up or down? If Hooters were to become a door-to-door serv
Funny
Funny
Test for Dementia (a.k.a. Alzheimer's-mental deterioration) Below are four (4 ) questions and a bonus question. You have to answer them instantly. You can't take your time, answer all of them immediately. OK? Let's find out just how clever you really are.... Ready? GO!!! First Question: You are participating in a race. You overtake the second person. What position are you in? Answer: If you answered that you are first, then you are absolutely wrong! If you overtake the second person and you take his place, you are second! Try not to screw up next time. Now answer the second question, but don't take as much time as you took for the first question, OK? Second Question: If you overtake the last person, then you are...? (scroll down) Answer: If you answered that you are second to last, then you are wrong again. Tell me, how can you overtake the LAST Person? You're not very good at this, are you? Thir
Funnies...
1. Thou shalt not jump onto the keyboard when thy human is on the computer. 2. Thou shalt not unroll all of the toilet paper off the roll. 3. Thou shalt not project hairballs from the top of the refrigerator. 4. Thou shalt not sit in front of the television as if thou art invisible. 5. Thou shalt not jump onto thy sleeping human’s bladder at 3 A.M. 6. Thou shalt not reset thy human’s alarm clock by walking on it. 7. Thou shalt not trip thy humans, even if they are walking too slowly. 8. Thou shalt not push open the bathroom door when there are guests in thy house. 9. Thou shalt not jump on the toilet seat just as thy human is sitting down. 10. Thou shalt attempt to show remorse when being scolded. A WOMAN'S POEM: Before I lay me down to sleep, I pray for a man, who's not a creep, One who's handsome, smart and strong. One who loves to listen long, One who thinks before he speaks, One who'll call, not wait for weeks. I pray he's gainfully employed,
Funnies
1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat and, presto, the blockage will be removed. 2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away. 3. Avoid arguments with your wife about lifting the toilet seat by simply using the sink. 4. For high-blood-pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a timer. 5. A mousetrap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button. 6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough. 7. Have a bad toothache? Smash your thumb with a hammer and you will forget all about the toothache. 8. Sometimes, we just need to remember what the rules of life really are: You only need two tools - WD-4
Funny Facts
* During all police investigations, it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least once. * When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other. * If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a passing St. Patrick's Day parade - at any time of year. * All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets which reach up to the armpit level on a woman but only to the waist level on the man lying beside her. * The Chief of Police will almost always suspend his star detective - or give him 48 hours to finish the job. * All grocery bags contain at least one stick of French Bread. * It's easy for anyone to land a plane providing there is someone to talk you down. * The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place - noone will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building undetected. * Police departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they
Funny Shit!!!
Funny
Funny Shit!
Every 14th of February you get the chance to display your fondness for your wife or girlfriend by showering her with gifts, flowers, dinner,shows and any other baubles that women find romantic. Secretly...guys feel left out. That's right...left out. There's no special holiday for the ladies to show their appreciation for the men in their life. Men as a whole are either too proud or just too embarrassed to admit it. This is why a new holiday has been created. March 20th is now officially 'Steak, Blow job & Shut the Fuck Up Day.' Simple, effective and self-explanatory...this holiday has been created so your ladies can have a day to show your man just how much you love him. No cards, no flowers, no special nights on the town the name of the holiday explains it all...just a steak, a BJ & shut your mouth for the rest of the day! That's it! This twin pairing of Valentine's Day and Steak, Blow job & Shut the Fuck Up Day will usher in a new age of love as men everywhere will try T
Funny Jokes
************************************************* (Big Sale Day) It was the day of the big sale. Rumours of the sale (and some advertising in the local paper) were the main reason for the long line that formed by 8:30, the store's opening time, in front of the store. A small man pushed his way to the front of the line, only to be pushed back, amid loud and colourful curses. On the man's second attempt, he was punched square in the jaw, and knocked around a bit, and then thrown to the end of the line again. As he got up the second time, he said to the person at the end of the line... "That does it! If they hit me one more time, I won't open the store!" ************************************************* (The Good of a Bad Relationship) Two Yuppettes were shopping. When they started to discuss their home lives, one said, "Seems like all Alfred and I do anymore is fight. I've been so upset I've lost 20 pounds." "Why don't you just leave him then?" asked her friend.
Funny
Funny Stuff
POST THIS IF YOU AREN'T SCARED TO SEE HOW PEOPLE THINK OF YOU:
Funny
How to Tell the Sex of a Fly A woman walked into the kitchen to find her Husband stalking around with a fly swatter "What are you doing?" She asked. "Hunting Flies" He responded. "Oh. ! Killing any?" She asked. "Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied. Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell them apart?" He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone.
Funny Shit!
Funny Video Clip
http://www.glumbert.com/media/sizematter click on this its funny
Funny
A man havin an affair for 4-5 years with the same woman gets some news. She says Im pregnant! Thinkin of his wife kids, and business he tells his mistress to go back home to her home country and when she has the baby send a post card and he will send money to support the baby.So as not to spill the beans he tells her to simply write spagetti on it. About nine monthes later the mans wife walks in and says honey u got the strangest postcard today.He says give it here and Ill explain later.She hands him the post card ,he reads it and faints. The post card read " spagetti spagetti spagetti spagetti, two with meatballs, two without..send extra sause
Funny Stuff
What is Butt Dust? What, you ask, is "Butt dust?" Read on and you'll discover the joy in it! These have to be original and genuine. No adult is this creative!! JACK (age 3) was watching his Mom breast-feeding his new baby sister. After a while he asked: "Mom why have you got two? Is one for hot and one for cold milk?" MELANIE(age 5) asked her Granny how old she was. Granny replied she was so old she didn't remember any more. Melanie said, "If you don't remember you must look in the back of your panties. Mine say five to six. "STEVEN(age 3) hugged and kissed his Mom good night. "I love you so much that when you die I'm going to bury you outside my bedroom window. " BRITTANY (age 4) had an earache and wanted a pain killer. She tried in vain to take the lid off the bottle. Seeing her frustration, her Mom explained it was a child-proof cap and she'd have to open it for her. Eyes wide with wonder, the little girl asked: "How does it know it's me?" SUSAN(age 4) was dr
Funny
funny email Current mood: amused Category: Friends this is funny... i just received this through another e-mail account of mine.... A young man married a beautiful woman who had previously divorced ten husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle; I'm still a virgin". "What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?" "Well, husband 1 was a Sales Representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be." "Husband 2 was in Software Services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me." ; "Husband 3 was from Field Services; he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up." "Husband 4 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver." "Husband 5 was an Engineer, he understood the basic process but wanted three years to r
Funnies
Suzy Lee fell in love. She planned to marry Joe. She was so happy about it all, she told her pappy so. Pappy told her, "Suzie Gal, you'll have to find another. I'd just as soon yo maw don't know, but Joe is yo half-brother." So Suzie forgot about her Joe and planned to marry Will. But after telling pappy this, he said, "There's trouble still. You can't marry Will, my gal and please don't tell yo mother, cause Will and Joe and several mo I know is yo half-brother." But mama knew and said "Honey chile, do what makes yo happy. Marry Will or marry Joe, You ain't no kin to pappy!"
Funnygirl61
"Whatever you give a woman, she's going to multiply. If you give her sperm, she'll give you a baby. (Perhaps) If you give her a house, she'll give you a home. If you give her groceries, she'll give you a meal. If you give her a smile, she'll give you her heart. She multiplies and enlarges what is given to her. So….. If you give her any crap, you will receive a ton of shit." Love and appreciate all the women in your life new page sucks, have to search to the end of page to post comment I've been on the same level for a few week already, would like some feedback an how to reach to the next level. stuck on fu-fighter, next one is twist-fu. I have tried everything to past this level and nothing is working, can anyone help me pls. I will thank u for ur help.
Funny Happenings
A fellow walks into a bar, notices a very large jar on the counter, and sees that it's filled to the brim with $10 bills. He guesses there must be more than ten thousand dollars in it. He approaches the bartender and asks, 'What's with the money in the jar?' 'Well... you pay $10 and if you pass three tests, you get all the money and the keys to a brand new Lexus.' The man certainly isn't going to pass this up. And so he asks, 'What are the three tests?' 'You must pay first... Those are the rules,' says the bartender. So, after thinking it over a while, the man gives the bartender the $10 and the bartender drops it into the jar. 'Okay,' the bartender says, 'Here's what you need to do: First - You have to drink a whole quart of tequila, in a minute or less, and you can't make a face while doing it. Second - There's a pit bull chained in the back with a bad tooth. You have to remove that tooth with your bare hands. Third - There's a 90-yea
Funny Shit
Well Im fed up with people telling me how to Rate. I will rate you as I see fit. I am fed up with your fantasy. REALITY CHECKS FOR ALL!!!! If you need one your gonna get one. If you would like to be a Bringer of Truth let me KNOW I will be happy to have you, If you've been the target of unwanted hating let me know I Will bring forth the Truth.
Funny Joke
Did you hear about the man that drowned in a bowl of museli? He got dragged under by a strong currant! what do you call a man with a spade in his head? Doug What do you call a man with a seagull on his head? Cliff What do you call a man with a family of rabbits living up his bum? Warren!
Funny Joke
Funny
A MAN AND HIS WIFE WERE WORKING IN THEIR GARDEN ONE DAY...AND THE MAN LOOKS OVER AT HIS WIFE AND SAYS: "YOUR BUTT IS GETTING REALLY BIG, I MEAN REALLY BIG. I BET YOUR BUTT IS BIGGER THAN THE BARBECUE." WITH THAT HE PROCEEDED TO GET A MEASURING TAPE AND MEASURE THE GRILL. AND...THEN HE WENT OVER TO WHERE HIS WIFE WAS WORKING AND MEASURED HIS WIFE'S BOTTOM. "YES, I WAS RIGHT, YOUR BUTT IS TWO INCHES WIDER THAN THE BARBECUE!!!" THE WOMAN CHOSE TO IGNORE HER HUSBAND. LATER THAT NIGHT IN BED, THE HUSBAND IS FEELING A LITTLE FRISKY. HE MAKES SOME ADVANCES TOWARDS HIS WIFE WHO COMPLETELY BRUSHES HIM OFF. "WHAT'S WRONG?" HE ASKS. SHE ANSWERS: "DO YOU REALLY THINK I'M GOING TO FIRE UP THIS BIG-ASS GRILL FOR ONE LITTLE WEENIE???"
Funny Stuff
Try to think of 4 words that ruin sex ... and keep the chain going Shay - " Get off my daughter '' angel~ " eww whats that smell" Melissa ~ " I can't feel it" Reid ~ "Mom's next door, Dad." Timothy- "That's Not My Vagina." Brandy~~ Is it in yet??? nana ~~ i got a headache Danni~~ Shit the condom broke Tionna ~~ Bring me the tweezers! Brandy -- The kids are here! Angie - Oh no, not again! BRANDI-ARE YOU KIDDING ME! Linda- Forget to take my pill Rhonda- "My husband is back" Honey- "OMG, What a dog!" Jo- "Are you done yet?" Curmudgeon at Law - "Great, I'm stuck again." Chantal- "That's not the hole." Don- "My name isn't George" JeNiLu - "That all you got?" Mara- "Your brother is bigger"- never a good idea, trust me lol X-Stripper - "Ha Ha Ha Ha" Jackie" It is THAT small?" Paul~ "pick the scabs first" Kristen- "I don't feel a thing". (that's dedicated to the ex i never dated, Mike) Roderick- "I think I'm bored." Alex "Thats a wierd rash!" Sam "I'll finish mys
Funny
Wow I havent been on this site in like forever! Since my last visit Ive gone to awesome concerts switched jobs 4 times Met some great people Got another tat cherries on my hip. Partied like a rockstar made hella money! Got sexier got some awesome looking school girl coach glasses. Tried lots of food Ive never had before like crab and slurpee Gambled alot learned a lot of life lessons and jus kept it south burb gangsta gutter as i wanna be cause im a m to uckin scorpio for life. I am the wild chery. Last night and today i drank with a monkey that had never drank before I took pictures to capture all the moments they are in my default album so for a great laugh ya might want to check them out If I have to be nice all day to strangers (customers) once Im off the clock I am no longer required to be nice to anyone so for anyone with a clue dont say anything stupid to unless its been at least an hour since ive been off work
Funny
There was an old cowhand who owned a small ranch in Montana . The Montana Wage &Hour Dept. Claimed he was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out to interview him. "I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them," demanded the agent. "Well," replied the rancher, "There's my ranch hand who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $600 a week plus free room and board." "The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $500 per week plus free room and board." "Then there's the half-wit who works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night." "That's the guy I want to talk to, the half-wit," says the agent. "That would be me," replied the rancher. Sex Bully A man takes his wife to a livestock show. They start heading down the alley where the bulls are kept. A sign in front of the first bull says: "This bull mated 5
A Funny Interview;;;;
Funny Thing Is
I am so tired of relationships. Why my boyfriend has to treat me like shit is beyond me. Everytime I turn around he is pissed off and taking it out on me. I am tired of being beat on physically, mentally and emotionally. I feel so alone. I can't really have friends and when I try to have one he moniters what I can and can't say. I give up. If this is what life is then why live it? What the heck is wrong with people? Why do people feel the need to create more drama when everyone and I mean everyone has enough of it in their lives? Why stress yourself out over things that you do not need to stress out over. Why create a huge circus over things that are better left unsaid. Why hurt and burn others when you yourself need to keep skeletons locked away in a closet that is sure full by now. People are not perfect and deserve to have their own opinions. We are all human with feelings and emotions. We all deserve to be treated with respect. Why can't people learn to grow up and get a life inst
Funny Stuff
so farmer john calls the local sheriff and says sheriff you gotta do something about these speeders they are killing my chickens so sheriff syas ok ad gets the towns folk to put up a sign drive slow school crossing well the ext day farmer john calls the sheriff hey man it is not working so the sheriff tried again this time he put out the sign slow down children out to play well the next day farmer john calls the sheriff and says sheriff this is not working either can i build my own sign sheriff says ok so three days later sheriff calls farmer john says how is the sign working he says just fine nobody has killed a chicken in three days so the sheriff thiinks for a bit then the shriff goes and sees this sign thinking it might work in town the sign read nudeist colony slow down and look for chicks
Funny
TWENTY NINE LINES TO MAKE YOU SMILE 1.. My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't. 2.. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it. 3.. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them. 4.. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke. 5.. Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive. 6.. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me. 7.. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder. 8.. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe. 9.. I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are just missing. 10.. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes. 11.. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine. 12.. God must love stupid people; He made so many. 13.. The gene pool could use a little chlorine. 14.. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps. 15.. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again? 16.. Being "over the hill" is much better th
Funny Stuff
NO it is not fake. (Read below Video) A lyrebird's call is a rich mixture of its own song and any number of other sounds it has heard. The lyrebird's syrinx is the most complexly-muscled of the Passerines (songbirds), giving the lyrebird extraordinary ability, unmatched in vocal repertoire and mimicry. Lyrebirds render with great fidelity the individual songs of other birds and the chatter of flocks of birds, and also mimic other animals, human noises, machinery of all kinds, explosions and musical instruments. The lyrebird is capable of imitating almost any sound .. from a mill whistle to a cross-cut saw, and, not uncommonly, sounds as diverse as chainsaws, car engines and car alarms, fire alarms, rifle-shots, camera shutters, dogs barking and crying babies. Lyrebirds are shy birds and a constant stream of bird calls coming from one place is often the only way of identifying them and their presence. The female lyrebird is also an excellent mimic, but she is not heard as often as
Funnies
One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her small boy into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?" The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. "I can't dear," she said. "I have to sleep in Daddy's room." A long silence was broken at last by his shaking little voice, "The big sissy."
Funny
Did I like retard another to it send retard a like this reading time sweet your took you since. (Now, read it backwards) LOL
Funny Stuff
You know live in Orlando when. . . You know the meaning of OBT. You find yourself humming the jingle for Premier Adult Factory Outlet. You have to be over 90 years old to know what snow feels like, and have seen it in another state. Your air conditioning bill is higher than the annual budget for most small countries. You call Amway Arena the O-rena! You were born somewhere else, and have come to retire. You turn the heat on in your house when the temperature dips below 65. OBT is the first thing you think when you see a girl in a halter top and go-go boots. You know where six major motels are around your house. You know where Parramore Street is, and you go out of your way to avoid it. You buy a new sweater that will only be worn once a year. You know who Don Reed and Bob Dance are. Your social calendar revolves around football games. You know what Fashion Square, Altamonte Springs, Florida, Oviedo, and Seminole Towne have in common. And which
Funny!!
Female comebacks Here ya go, ladies...the comebacks you've always needed >Man: Where have you been all my life? >Woman: Hiding from you. >Man: Haven't I seen you someplace before? >Woman: Yes, that's why I don't go there any more >Man: Is this seat empty? >Woman: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down >Man: Your place or mine? >Woman: Both...You go to yours, and I'll go to mine >Man: So, what do you do for a living? >Woman: I'm a female impersonater >Man: Hey baby, what's your sign? >Woman: Do not enter. >Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning? >Woman: Unfertilized >Man: Your body is like a temple >Woman: Sorry, there are no services today. >man: I would go to the end of the world for you >Woman: But would you stay there? >Man: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy >Woman: If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing. >Man: If I could rearrange the a
Funny Things
As you can see below, i was rated lots of one's today by a guy that clearly has no self esteem. went to the mumms to see what was going on and came across his, he was bashing ppl of fubar for thier morphs, dirty pics, and other things, so ofcourse i commented on it, lol i should have known better. I just made a very common sense observation that if didnt want to come aross any of the things in his mumms that he should leave fubar. well he shouted at me in the shout box with "ok spanky", well ofcourse not totally knowing what he was talking about i asked him if that was supposed to be a dirogitory comment at me..he proceead and continue to show my big boobs cause that was all i had, and in response to the comment i left on his mumm he retaleated with " and here comes the big boob fatty" which i thought was pretty funny, well he then came to my page and rated these pics 1's until i blocked him. just wanted to let all of my friends know to be on the look out for this guy if he hits ur pag
Funny Stuff!
The federal government is sending each and everyone of us a $600 rebate. If we spend that money at Wal-Mart, the money will go to China. If we spend it on gasoline it will go to the Arabs. If we purchase a computer it will go to India . If we purchase fruit and vegetables it will go to Mexico, Honduras, and Guatemala . If we purchase a good car it will go to Japan . If we purchase useless crap it will go to Taiwan... and none of it will help the American economy. The only way to keep that money here at home is to buy prostitutes, weed, beer, cigarettes, whiskey, and tattoos since these are the only products still produced in the USA . Thank you for your help & please support the US. Well one day Harry the eagle waited at the nest for Mary, his darling of 10 glorious years. After a while when she didn't return he went looking and found her. She had been shot. Dead! Harry was devastated, but after about six minutes of mourning he decided that he must get himse
Funnies
Friends don't let friends take home ugly men Women's restroom Starboard, Dewey Beach, DE ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Beauty is only a light switch away. Perkins Library, Duke University , Durham , NC ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ If life is a waste of time, and time is a waste of life, then let's all get wasted together and have the time of our lives. Armand's Pizza, Washington , DC ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity. The Bayou, Baton Rouge , LA ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ No matter how good she looks, some other guy is sick and tired of putting up with her shit. Men's Room Linda's Bar and Grill, Chapel Hill , NC ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ At the feast of ego everyone leaves hungry. Bentley's House of Coffee and Tea, Tucson , AZ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ It's h
Funny Stuff
- THE BASICS 2 - Name Hope Ashlee 3 - Gender Female 4 - Age 18 5 - Screen Name Gurltwista04@yahoo.com 6 - Birthday August 16, 1988 7 - Race Mixed 8 - School/Grade College Sophmore 9 - Job School 10 - Status Taken 11 - Hometown Springfield, Oregon 12 - Current Town Lewiston, Idaho 13 - Parents Still Together Yes.. 22 years 14 - Siblings 1 younger brother 15 - Pets Dog= Abby 16 - Smoker nope 17 - Drinker yes 18 - Virgin NOPE 19 - Orientation Straight 20 - Drugs Nope 21 - APPEARANCE 22 - Hair Color Dark Brown 23 - Is it Dyed? Yes 24 - Eye color Bright Green 25 - Height 6'0 26 - Style hummm 27 - Glasses/Contacts/None? Nope 28 - Freckles Yes 29 - Body Type Pear Shaped 30 - Shoe Size 9.5- 10 31 - Piercings 8 32 - Want More? Nope 33 - Tatoos? Nope 34 - Want More? yes, I want some.. not alot=trashy 35 - Braces? Yep.. had them 36 - Overall Best Feature? Eyes/Lips 37 - Overall Worst Feature? Ears 38 - Do you get most of
Funny Names
Pimp my Testicles Yankee Doodle My Poodle Thou Shall Not Cum Punani Tastes Good Seargant Cock Yummy Yummy Yummy I Got Cum In My Tummy! 20,000 Legs Under The Sea 28 Gays Later 8 Mile Cock Official Porn Names: A Clockwork Orgy A Few Hard Men A Horse’s Tail A Tale Of Two Titties Abs Of Cum - Abs have cum? Alice In Penisland Ally McFeel Apollo 69 Ass Ventura: Smut Detective Assablanca Babewatch Backseat Confidential Barbara's Bush Battlestar Orgasmica Beauty & The Bitch Beaver & Buttface Beetle’s Juice Beverly Hills 9021-Ho! Beverly Hills Cock – I’m sure Beverly Hills has more than just one! Bi-Curious George Bi-Dazzled Big Trouble In Little Vagina Black Cock Down Boldfinger Bone Alone Booty & The Beast Bruce Allmeaty Butch Lesbian & The Lapdance Kid Charlie's Anals City Of Anals Cliff Banger Cockodile Dun-me Confessions Of A Candystriper Coo-Coo For Coco Cocks Cool Bummings Crocodile Blondee Cum & Cummer Cumming To America
Funny
Funny Stuff
There were three sisters, Molly, Polly and Fanny. They all went clubbing. Only thing was they all had really big feet. This guy started dancing with Polly and said “Wow you have big feet”. So Polly said “If you think my feet are big you should see our fanny’s!” D A M N I T O L Take 2 and the rest of the world can go to hell for up to 8 full hours. E M P T Y N E S T R O G E N Suppository that eliminates melancholy and loneliness by reminding you of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait till they moved out. ST.M O M M A'S W O R T Plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to two days. P E P T O B I M B O Liquid silicone drink for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and prevents conception. D U M B E R O L When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low IQ, resulting in enjoyment of co
Funny Nip Slips Videos
Yoga MomPosted Feb 07, 2006A mom doing some yoga exercises is in for surprise when her toddler crawls by.
Funny
A new enlistee had to have his long hair and sideburns cut. As he sat down in the barber chair, the barber asked, to his surprise, if he'd like to keep his sideburns. "Oh, yes!" he said gratefully. Whereupon the barber cut off the sideburns and said, "Here — catch!" One day a police officer clocked a car driven by a marine at over 90 miles per hour. The marine, one of our older military veterans of three wars, immediately pulled over once he saw the blinking lights of the black and white Dudley Do-right on his bumper. Marine: Hi officer. Did I do anything wrong? Officer: Sir I clocked you at 90 miles per hour. May I see your license please? Marine: Naw that aint possible. I lost my license when I was charged with the DUI about 4 years back. Officer: I see. The can I see your registration? Marine: No that won’t be possible either. See this is a stolen car. Officer: stolen car? Marine. Yep. The guy i stole it from is in the trunk. Officer: he's in t
Funny
you know you were an 80's child if... Body: You wanted to be on Star Search. (Didn't we all?) You can remember what Michael Jackson looked like before his nose fell off. Or even when he had those freaky eyes in "Thriller" at the end of the video. You wore a banana clip or one of those slap on wrist bands at some point during your youth. You wore French rolls on the bottom of your splatter painted jeans. You had slouch socks, and puff painted your own shirt at least once. You owned a doll with 'Xavier Roberts' signed on it's butt. You knew what Willis was "talkin' 'bout." You know the profound meaning of "Wax on, Wax off." You can name at least half of the members of the elite "Brat Pack." You can remember watching Full House and Saved by the Bell for endless hours. You have seen at least 10 episodes of Fraggle Rock. You know that another name for a keyboard is a "Synthesizer." You'll always hold a special place in your heart for "Back to the Futur
Funnies
Once you have been tagged, you have to write a blog with 15 weird or random things, facts, or habits about yourself. At the end, you choose at least 10 people to be tagged, listing their names . Don't forget to leave a comment that says, "You're it!" on their profile and ask them to read your blog. You can't tag the person who tagged you. 1. I would do anything for my friends and family that I am capable of. 2. I hate my job. 3. I HATE it when people lie/steal from me. 4. I HATE it when people tell me they'll be there for me and never are. 5. I HATE it when people play with my feelings wether it be guys or my female friends. 6. I love FuBar!. 7. I want to see Fubar my girly friends. 8. I want to be an Vet. 9. I think my body is ok. 10. I tried to kill myself when I was 16. 11. I lost the love of my life(RIP). 12. I don't speak to my parents. 13. I want to have another baby. 14. I believe in ghost. 15. I want to marry a man. I am
Funnies
CLICK THE PICTURE TO GO TO THE LOUNGE PLease re-post this to your friends THANX!! See you in the lounge. I'm there now with about 20 other short busers. So come check out Joker DJ'ing and one of the most active, funniest and FU'ed lounge on Fubar Big Boobies Is ALL ALONE in there right now! HELP! THE MOST FUNCTIONAL ENGLISH WORD HOPE THIS MAKES YOU SMILE THE MOST FUNCTIONAL ENGLISH WORD Well, it's shit ... that's right, shit! Shit may just be the most functional word in the English language. You can smoke shit, buy shit, sell shit, lose shit, find shit, forget shit, And tell others to eat shit. Some people know their shit, while others can't tell the difference between shit and shineola. There are lucky shits, dumb shits, and crazy shits. There is bull shit, horse shit, and chicken shit. You can throw shit, sling shit, catch shit, shoot the shit, or duck when the shit hits the fan. You can give a shit or serve shit on a shingle. You can find yourself
Funny Statements
These Police Comments were taken off actual police car videos from around the country: "You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just went through" "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch after you wear them a while." "If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document." "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired." "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you." "You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?" "Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?" "Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket." "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not.
Funn
Funny But True News
ANGLETON, Texas, Oct. 3, 2007 (AP) Negligent homicide charges have been dropped against a former Lake Jackson woman who had been accused of killing her husband with a sherry enema that led to alcohol poisoning. Court records show the charge against Tammy Jean Warner, 45, of Texas City, was dismissed Aug. 31 because of insufficient evidence, the Houston Chronicle reported in its online edition Wednesday. Michael Warner, 58, died May 21, 2004. An autopsy showed he had been given an enema with enough sherry to have a blood alcohol level of 0.47 percent, almost six times the legal limit of .08 percent in Texas. Tammy Warner has told the newspaper that her husband was addicted to enemas and often used alcohol in them to get drunk. The Associated Press Oct. 1, 2007 01:07 PM NEW YORK - After years of painful soul searching, Rhiannon O'Donnabhain - a former construction engineer from a devout Irish Catholic family in Boston - decided to surgically change his sex to female in 2001
Funny Shit
Funny Shyt!
Dear Wife, During the past year I have tried to make love to you 365 times. I have succeeded 36 times, which is an average of once every ten days. The following is a list of why I did not succeed more often: 54 times the sheets were clean 17 times it was too late 49 times you were too tired 20 times it was too hot 15 times you pretended to be sleep 22 times you had a headache 17 times you were afraid of waking the baby 16 times you said you were too sore 12 times it was the wrong time of the month 19 times you had to get up early 9 times you said weren't in the mood 7 times you were sunburned 6 times you were watching the late show 5 times you didn't want to mess up your new hairdo 3 times you said the neighbors would hear us 9 times you said your mother would hear us Of the 36 times I did succeed, the activity was not satisfactory because: 6 times you just laid there 8 times you reminded me there's a crack in the ceiling 4 times you told me to hurry up a
Funny
radio station pranking the guys wife, she flips out. listen till the end! lol
Funny Videos
http://myspacetv.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=vids.individual&videoid=21098453 This is one of my favorites by Michael Martin Murphey ok, here's the deal, you get to ask me six questions, as naughty and daring as you can think up. Send to me, and I'll answer them truthfully. Repost this, and you'll be surprised about what people want to know about you... 1. 2. 3. 4. 5. 6. http://www.jibjab.com/starring_you/receipt/1167974
Funny Stuff
FACTS TO PONDER: (A) The number of physicians in the U.S. is 700,000 (B) Accidental deaths caused by Physicians per year are 120,000 (C) Accidental deaths per physician is 0.171. Statistics courtesy of U.S. Dept of Health Human Services. Now think about this: Guns: (A) The number of gun owners in the U.S. is 80,000,000. (Yes, that's 80 million..) (B) The number of accidental gun deaths per year, all age groups, is 1,500. (C) The number of accidental deaths per gun owner is .000188 Statistics courtesy of the FBI So, statistically, doctors are approximately 9,000 times more dangerous than gun owners. Remember, 'Guns don't kill people, doctors do.' FACT: NOT EVERYONE HAS A GUN, BUT ALMOST EVERYONE HAS AT LEAST ONE DOCTOR. Please alert your friends to this alarming threat. We must ban doctors before this gets completely out of hand!!!!! Out of concern for the
Funny Story
The occasion was our 22nd anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Toni. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Taser. The effects of the Taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse effect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety.... WAY TOO COOL! Long story short... I bought the device and brought it home, loaded 2 AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. Awesome!!! Unfortunately I have to explain to Toni what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave. Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with just 2 AAA batteries,... right? There I sat in my recliner, my ca
Funny Funny Funny
A 3-year-old tells all from his mother's restroom stall. By Shannon Popkin My little guy, Cade, is quite a talker. He loves to communicate and does it quite well. He talks to people constantly, whether we're in the library, the grocery store or at a drive-thru window. People often comment on how clearly he speaks for a just-turned-3-year-old. And you never have to ask him to turn up the volume. It's always fully cranked. There've been several embarrassing times that I've wished the meaning of his words would have been masked by a ! not-so- audible voice, but never have I wished this more than last week at Costco. Halfway, through our shopping trip, nature called, so I took Cade; with me into the restroom. If you'd been one of the ladies in the restroom that evening, this is what you would have heard coming from the second to t he last stall: 'Mommy, areou gonna go potty? Oh! Why are you putting toiwet paper on the potty, Mommy? Oh! You gonna sit down on DA toiwet
Funny
Its funny how hello is always accompanied with good-bye Its funny how remembering good memories can make you cry Its funny how forever never seems to really last Its funny how much you'd lose, if you forgot your past Its funny how friends, can just leave you when you're down Its funny how when you need someone they’re never around Its funny how people can change and think they’re so much better Its funny how many lies can be packed into one love letter Its funny how people can forgive even though they can’t forget Its funny how one night can contain so much regret Its funny how crazy and ironic life turns out to be but the funniest part of all, is that none of this seems funny to me
Funny
Bottle of Merlot A man asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to an unusually attractive woman sitting alone at a table in a cozy little restaurant. So the waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said, "This is from the gentleman who is seated over there." ..and indicated the sender with a nod of his head. She stared at the wine coolly for a few seconds, not looking at the man, then decided to send a reply to him by a note. The waiter, who was lingering nearby for a response, took the note from her and conveyed it to the gentleman. The note read: "For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank and 7 inches in your pants " After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own in return. He folded the note, handed it to the waiter and instructed him to deliver it to the lady. It read: "Just to let you know things aren't always what they appear to be, I have a Ferrari Maranello, Bentley Conver
Funny Ass Shit
THIS SHIT CRACK ME THE FUCK UP! CHECK IT OUT! http://www.collegehumor.com/video:1750777
Funny Things
This is a test for Smart People.....I have determined that you qualify. > > > > > > The following short quiz consists of 4 questions and will tell you > > whether you are qualified to be a professional. Scroll down for each > > answer. The questions are NOT that difficult. But don't scroll down > > UNTIL you have answered the question! > > > > > > > > > > > > 1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator? > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > The correct answer is: Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe, and > > close the door. This question tests whether you tend to do simple > > things in an overly complicated way. > > > > > > > > > > > > > > 2. How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator? > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > >
Funny Stuff
Attention Tattoo Artists/Shops, Piercers, Artists, Bands, & Musicians!! Hey. My name is Rockstar. I am CEO/President of Girlz of Modified and Modified Management . Just want to let you all know what we are about. Girlz of Modified is an all female street promotional team. Our girlz live all over the united states and Canda. We offer promotions such as flyers, internet and radio promo, merch, etc. We also have a model for hire which means the Girlz of Modified are availale for photo shoots for cd covers and flyers. Modified Management is a management and booking company. We will set up press kits, live performances, and help establish a professional images for bands. We are currently looking for a few bands,Tattoo shops, Artists,and piercers to work with. For promotion all bands,Tattoo shops, Artists,and piercers can be located anywhere in the united states and canada. As of right now, management and bookings are only being done for the southern illinois and s
Funny
FOR MY BABY IM SITTING HERE THINKING ABOUT YOUWONDERING IF YOUR DOING THE SAMEI SEE YOU EVERYTIME I CLOSE MY EYESI SEE YOU WHEN IM AWAKEI CANT GET YOU OFF MY MIND I LOVE YOU SO MUCHYOUR MY EVERYTHINGI HAVE ONE THING I NEED TO KNOWDO I MAKE YOU HAPPYLIKE THE WAY YOU MAKE ME HAPPY GOD I HAVE BEEN FLOATING ON CLOUD 9KNOWING THAT YOUR MY WIFE If You Have No Tunes Click Here Close That Tab And Refesh My face blazes red. He holds me tight. A smile spreads across my face. He places a kiss at the base of my neck. I intertwine my fingers in his hair. I press myself closer to him. Then he kisses me roughly and bites my bottom lip. I tug at his shirt while he tugs at my shorts. I place kisses upon his bare chest. He runs his hands up my thighs. Still, we hold each other closer. This love we share is strong. This love we have is beautiful. This love we know is amazing. This love.
Funny Stories Of My Life
About 6 months ago, my G.daughter, Alexandra, came home from work and we were eating dinner. Suddenly she asked me if I had ever heard of Parrots attacking ships out at sea. Duhhhhhhhh! I sat there and said....WHAT???????????????????????? Then she told me that a girl at work was telling her about her mother being on a cruise and was worried about parrots attacking her ship. hahahahahah. I sat there just starring at her. "ummmm parrots honey?????????" "yes, Grandpa! I saw that movie about the birds attacking people but never heard of parrots attacking people. I didn't know that they could fly that far out to sea to attack people on a ship." hahahahah I sat there, and finally said..."honey... are you sure she didn't say PIRATES????????????????" I then told her that they are having a big problem with PIRATES attacking ships off the west coast of Africa near Samolia and Nigeria. hahahahaha She sat there and looked at me and said....."OH SH*T!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I thought she said
Funny Pics
Glitter Maker Funny Saying Graphics Glitter Maker Funny Saying Graphics
Funny Cat Video
Bad PussyAdd to My Profile | More Videos
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NAUGHTY APPLiCATiON" ***Best one will get a reply*** 1. Your Name: 2. Age: 3. Favorite position (s)? 4. Do you think I'm hot? 5. Would you have sex with me? 6. lights on or off? 7. Would you have to be drunk? 8. Would you take a shower with me? 9. Have you ever thought about having sex with me? 10. Would you leave after or stay the night? 11. Do you like cuddling afterwards? 12. Condom or skin? 13. Do you give Oral pleasures? 14. Do you like to receive Oral Pleasures? 15. Have sex on the first date? 16. Would you kiss me during sex? 17. Do you think I would be good in bed? 18. Threesome? 20. How many times would you like to cum? 21. Would you use me as a booty call? 21. Can I use you as a booty call? 22. Do you like foreplay? 23. What is foreplay to you? 24. Can we take pictures of the act? 25. Will you post this so I can fill it out for you? Email your answers..... SEE HOW MANY PEOPLE SEND THiS BACK T
Funny!
A man cooks a deer but doesn't tell the kids what it is.. So he gives a clue.. It's what ur mother calls me! The son yells "Don't eat it.. It's a f*ckin Dick" !!!!
Funny Video Clips
Funny Sex Poem
Funny
1. What's so good about the person you like? hes sweet and caring and treats me right 2. So, where's your dad? taft 3. Do you drive yet? been driving 4. How do you feel about racism? not me 6. Who was the last person you talked to on MSN or AIM? dani 7. It's Friday night, what are you doing? goin to be at danis 8. Name a song that reminds you of old memories? photograph by nickleback 9. Do you like the color grey? no 10. Is there someone you really can't stop thinking about? yes but i love the feeling i get 11. How's the weather? its raining and i love it 14. Last time you didn't tell the truth? that would be high school 15. Name something great that happened today... i got me a gift card to red robin lol 16. Do you regret doing something today? nope didnt do anythin but work 17. What would you like to tell your ex? alot of things. but its best that we dont talk 18. When you think of the rainbow, what color pops in your head?
Funny Joke
Chinese Love naughty jokes? Click here to joint this group A young Chinese couple gets married. She's a virgin. Truth be told, he is a virgin too, but she doesn't know that. On their wedding night, she cowers naked under the sheets as her husband undresses in the darkness. He climbs into bed next to her and tries to be reassuring. "My darring," he whispers, "I know dis you firss time and you berry frighten. I pomise you, I give you anyting you want, I do anyting - juss anyting you want. You juss ask. Whatchu want?" he says, trying to sound experienced and worldly, which he hopes will impress her. A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently (and eagerly) for her request. She eventually shyly whispers back, "I want to try sumting I have heard about from other girls... Numbaa 69." More thoughtful silence, this time from him. Eventually, in a very puzzled tone he asks her... "You want... Garlic Chicken with corrifrowa?"
Funny
A man breaks into a house to look for money and food. Inside he finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. While tying the homeowners wife to the bed the man gets on top of her, kisses her neck then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his wife, "Listen, this guy is a nut case. Look at his clothes and his crazy eyes! He probably escaped from an insane asylum and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. if he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain...do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. if he gets angry, he'll kill us both. Be strong honey. I love you." His wife responds, "he wasn't kissing my neck. he was whispering in my ear. He told me that he's gay, thinks you're cute, and asked if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey I love you, too."
A Funny Story
Here is a funny story about that something that happened to me as a kid. When I was 18 I had a few friends that I used to party with. One day we decided to drink some beers and we had 1 dude with a fake ID that could get served in any liquor store. There were stores in-town we could go to but they jacked up the prices and being a white boy you were taking your life in your hands. The problem was the guy with the ID was a super nerd, a real nice guy and a good friend but a forgetful dork. He was the kind of friend that you hung out with when all else failed, he was good for free beer and a place to throw a party. We used him and in return we made him popular and he got to hang out with the fine ass chicks I knew. So on this day we decided to have a small party but when we got to the store we learned that the Dude (I will call him JL) forgot his money. Now his parents were out of town and he lived in a nice neighborhood, as did I. his neighbors knew his parents were out of town and
Funny
The Funnies On Life
My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God, and I didn't. ********** Marriage is a threering circus: Engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering. ********** For Sale: Wedding dress, size 8. Worn once by mistake. ********** There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman: Before marriage and after marriage. ********** Why were hurricanes usually named after women? Because when they arrive, they're wet and wild, but when they go, they take your house and car ********** An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years. The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you." The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife." ********** Reason Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder: All the DNA is the same. ********** I was in the express lane at the store q
Funny Stuff
Things Men Need to Know 1. The reason our bras don't always match our underwear is because WE actually CHANGE our underwear. 2. The next time you and your buddies joke about armed women in combat, take a poll to see which of you successfully aim at the toilet bowl. 3. If we're watching football with you, it's not bonding. We're watching because of the butts. 4. If the truth hurts, ask us those ego-sensitive questions on your payday. 5. Whenever possible, please try to say whatever you have to say after the movie. 6. Don't fret if you find out that the postman delivers more than once a day. 7. Please don't drive when you're not driving. 8. Lay off the beans several hours before bedtime. 9. Our bedtime headaches are inversely proportional to the number of baths that you take. 10. If you were really looking for an honest answer you wouldn't ask in bed. 11. The next time you joke about female drivers, research the number of accidents caused by rubberneck
Funny
Funny Email
This has got to be one of the cleverest E-mails I've received in awhile. Someone out there is deadly at Scrabble. (Wait till you see the last one)! DORMITORY: When you rearrange the letters: DIRTY ROOM PRESBYTERIAN: When you rearrange the letters: BEST IN PRAYER ASTRONOMER: When you rearrange the letters: MOON STARER DESPERATION: When you rearrange the letters: A ROPE ENDS IT THE EYES: ! When you rearrange the letters: THEY SEE GEORGE BUSH: When you rearrange the letters: HE BUGS GORE THE MORSE CODE : When you rearrange the letters: HERE COME DOTS SLOT MACHINES: When you rearrange the letters: CASH LOST IN ME ANIMOSITY: When you rearrange the letters: IS NO AMITY ELECTION RESULTS: When you rearrange the letters: LIES - LET'S RECOUNT SNOOZE ALARMS: When you rearrange the letters: ALAS!
Funny Stuuf Sent To Me By Friends!!
Driving Rules For Louisville, Kentucky 1. You must learn to pronounce the city name. It is "Loo-vull" 2. Forget the traffic rules you learned elsewhere. Louisville has its own version of traffic rules.... the truck with the loudest exhaust goes next at a 4-way stop. The truck with the biggest tires goes after that. (Note: Blue haired ladies driving anything have right of way anytime.) 3. To find anything in Louisville it is required that you know where the "Old Sears Building" is... which is the Alpha and Omega. The beginning and the end. 4. The morning rush hour is from 6:00 to 10:00. The evening rush hour is from 3:00 to 7:00. Friday's rush hour starts Thursday morning. 5. If you actually stop at a yellow light, you will be rear ended, cussed out and possibly shot. 6. You must know that "Jefferson Freeway", "Gene Snyder Freeway", "I-265", and "841" are all the same road. 7. Construction is a permanent fixture in Louisville. The barrels are moved around in the
Funny
Funny Stuff
MUSCULAR CONTRACTIONS > > A Professor was giving a lecture on "Involuntary Muscular > Contractions" to his first year medical students. > > Realizing that this was not the most riveting subject, the Professor > decided to lighten the mood slightly. He pointed to a young woman in > the front row and said, > > "Do you know what your asshole is doing while you're having an orgasm?" > > She replied, "Probably deer hunting with his buddies." > > The professor laughed so hard he could not continue with the class. RED-NECK PICKUP LINES 1) Did you fart, cause you blew me away! 2) Are your parents retarded, 'cause you sure are special. 3) My Love for you is like diarrhea .. I can't hold it in. 4) Do you have a library card, 'cause I'd like to sign you out. 5) Is there a mirror in your pants, because I can see myself in them. 6) If you and I were Squirrels, I'd store my nuts in your hole. 7) You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only
Funny Video
Funny Stuff
I love christmas but this song was hillarious and My favorite word is FUCK, so had to add this on here.. OMG FUNNY SHIT You know you're from Kansas City when... ...you know that Kansas City is actually two cities in two states, and you make sure people know which one you're from. ... you know just how fierce the KU vs MU rivalry is; and that you'd best pick a side and stay loyal. ... you've given the following answers: "Yes, we have tornados." "No, I don't know Dorothy." "No, I've never met the Wizard and I've never been to Oz." ... you whined through the 90's about Marty ball and now wish he was back so the chiefs could just make the playoffs. ... you think that every year is the year the chiefs will win it all. ...you know the royals suck, but you refuse to let any Cardinals fan forget about the 1985 world series. ... you know the following numbers: 648-8888 and 321-2277 (and can sing the accompanying songs).
Funny Shit!!!!!!
Funny Shit!!!
Funny Lil Sex Poems I Get..
bite me,blow me suck me,fuck me very slowly if you kiss me dont be nasty use your toung to make it tasty.... roses are red Lemons are sour Open ur legs and give me an hour...... Kissing Is A Habit Fucking Is A Game Guys Get All The Pleasure Girls Get All The Pain 10 Minutes Of Pleasure 9 Months Of Pain 3 Days In The Hospital A Baby Without A Name The Father Is A Bastard The Mother Is A Whore This Woulda Never Happend If The Rubber Hadn't Tore!!......... Sex is like math You subtract the clothes Add the bed Divide the legs And Pray to god You dont multiply.......... Roses are red Grass is green Open your legs And I'll fill you with cream...... Sex is good Sex is fine Doggy Style & 69 Just for fun Or gettin paid Everyone likes gettin laid........ roses are nice violets are fine. ill be the six if you be the nine......... roses are red violets are blue condoms will rip now watch you get screwed.....
Funny Lil Sex Poems I Get..
Funny Shit
Imagine if the Indians had killed a cat instead of a turkey.... we'd all be eating pussy for Thanksgiving slave APPLICATION FORM (Females only please) slave’s name:> All slaves MUST fill in and answer the following questions, be very detailed. Location:> E-mail Address:> Ethnicity:> Age:> Date of Birth (MM/DD/YY)> Virgin:> Height:> Weight:> Neck:> Hair Color:> Eye Color:> Measurements:> Waist:> Hips:> Bust:> Cup Size:> Circumference of Breasts:> Left Breast:> Right Breast:> Nipple Size:> Nipple Color:> Pubic Hair:> Bra Size:> Panty Size:> When you have completed this application, email to master4hire ASAP! If there is anything further you wish to let me know about, please do so!! Girl In A T ShirtSee more like this on kontraband.com
Funny, Fun, And Kinda Sad!
Unable to see what’s in front of me, Blinded by my own pride, Soaking at the bottom of the bottle, Drowning off of these pills I only smile ear to ear, When I just plainly don’t care, I only sneer, When I just plainly think of fear Useless, Unforgettable, Unforgiving, Meaningless, Nothingness These are the many things I fear of becoming, love me when you can, need me when you want, call me if you care I'm tired of seeing what isn't there, talking to all my friends whom seem to care more then you, I don't care anymore that you do or what I become this is me saying good bye, this is me saying so long, this is me telling you fair well I'M RUNNING THROUGH MY HEAD THINKING OF THE THINGS I NEVER SAID IF LOVES MEANS LETTING GO BETTER FOR YOU TO KNOW I DIDN'T GIVE UP I FOUGHT AND I TRIED HELL I GAVE IT ANOTHER TRY HOLDING YOU TILL MY ARMS AND HANDS FELL ASLEEP BREATHING YOU IN AND DREAMING ALL THE SAME OH I WISH I LOVED YOU CAUSE
Funny Stuff
This is too funny... Don't forget to post your "new" name below in a comment. 1. Use the third letter of your first name to determine your New first name: a = snickle b = doombah c = goober d = cheesy e = crusty f = greasy g = dumbo h = farcus i = dorky j = doofus k = funky l = boobie m = sleezy n = sloopy o = fluffy p = stinky q = slimy r = dorfus s = snooty t = tootsie u = dipsy v = sneezy w = liver x = skippy y = dinky z = zippy 2. Use the second letter of your last name to determine the first half of your new last name: a = dippin b = feather c = batty d = burger e = chicken f = barffy g = lizard h = waffle i = farkle j = monkey k = flippin l = fricken m = bubble n = rhino o = potty p = hamster q = buckle r = gizzard s = lickin t = snickle u = chuckle v = pickle w = hubble x = dingle y = gorilla z = girdle 3. Use the third letter of your last name to determine the second half of your new last name: a = butt
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Funny Stories
Ok...put your hand out in front of you and make the "thumbs up" signal. And then suddenly hide your thumb inside your fist. Do this a few times. You've just learned to sign the message, "My basketball coach has no thumb." How do I know this? Well my wife and I signed our son up for little league basketball. The other night we took our son, who is five years old, to his very first basketball practice. The first thing I did was introduce myself to his basketball coach. He stuck out his hand and as I looked down to shake it, I immediately noticed that the dude was missing his thumb on his right hand! No problem...I was cool. I went right ahead and shook it without missing a step just like any other right-thinking polite American would do. I supressed the urge within me to say, "Dude! WTF happened to your thumb?" Yes, I supressed the urge to say that. Instead I looked him square in the eye as I gave him a firm handshake and told him it was a pleasure to meet him. I asked a few
Funny Joke This Shit Is Funny
(girls don't read this if u don't have a sense of humor) This was written by a guy... it's pretty damn smart. and funny so just go with it (Girls -- Have a sense of humor!) One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me." I said, "WHAT??!! What was that?!" So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear... "You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man." She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?" Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep. The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her
Funny Man
Funny Stuff
Old Marine Shortly after President Bush took office, an old veteran approached the White House from the park across Pennsylvania Ave. where he'd been sitting on a park bench. He spoke to the US Marine standing guard and said, "I would like to go in and meet with President Clinton." The marine looked at the vet and said, "Sir, Mr. Clinton is no longer president and no longer resides here." The old vet said, "Okay, " and walked away. The following day, the same vet approached the White House and said to the same Marine, "I would like to go in and meet with President Clinton." The marine again told the vet, "Sir, Mr. Clinton is no longer president and no longer resides here." The vet thanked him and, again, just walked away. The third day, the same vet approached the White House and spoke to the very same Marine saying, "I would like to go in and meet with President Clinton." The Marine, understandably agitated at this point, looked at t
Funnies-something For Everyone With A Sense Of Humor
THOU SHALL / SHALL NOT 1: Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella. 2: It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following circumstances: (a) When a heroic dog dies to save its master. (b) The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse. (c) After wrecking your boss' car. (d) When she is using her teeth. 3: Any Man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his buddies. 4: Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours. 5: If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever unless you actually marry her. 6: Moaning about the brand of free beer in a buddy's fridge is forbidden. However complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable. 7: No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering your buddy's birthday is strictly optional. At that point, you must celebrate at a strip bar of the bi
The Funnest Night So Far!
Hey everyone that reads this I just want to tell Romeo-aka Kevin and Short Bus THANKS for the great time last night. I had so much fun hanging out with you both. To bad I had to work today or I am sure we could have made one hell of a night out of it. We are going to have to definitely do this again! If anyone wants to know what I am talking about..I invited all my Fubar Friends to Sharky's last night to my party...hmm well ok to my get together. The only 2 that showed was Kevin, and Short bus and thats because I picked them up..ok well Kevin brought his friend Terry. But he ended up heading out with some other friends. So I guess if you all read this and want to experience such a great time like we did last night then you will all come to my next party December the 7th at Traffic in downtown Springfield...karaoke night!!! Be there before 9pm to get a good seat and prepare to have a blast! Muwaahhhhhss I luv you both thanks again for the great time last night-OH AND IF YOUR A PERVE REA
Funny
THINK BEFORE YOU SPEAK... Here are six reasons why you should think before you speak - Have you ever spoken and wished that you could immediately take the words back... or that you could crawl into a hole? Here are the Testimonials of a few people who did.... FIRST TESTIMONY: I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?" I turned around and walked back out and never went back My husband didn't say a word... he knew better. SECOND TESTIMONY: I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store. He asked if he could help me. Without thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with men's balls." THIRD TESTIMONY: My sister and I were at the mall and
Funny Joke
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Funny Videos ( Nsfw )
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Funny Little Thing
Heeyyyy I want you to leave me a gift under my Xmas tree right on my profile page .... :D wanna have some free gifts :D
Funny Dum Shit
A woman goes into Wal-Mart to buy a rod and reel. She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the register. There is a Wal- Mart "associate" standing there with dark shades on. She says, "Excuse me sir...can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?" He says, "Ma'am I'm blind but if you will drop it on the counter I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound that it makes." She didn't believe him, but dropped it on the counter anyway. He said, "That's a 6' graphite rod with a Zebco 202 reel and 10 lb. test line...It's a good all around rod and reel and it's $20.00". She says, "That's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I think it's what I'm looking for so I'll take it." He walks behind the counter to the register, and in the meantime the woman breaks wind big-time. At first she is embarrassed but then realizes that there is no way he could tell it was her...being blind he
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please watch.. this is funny http://fknblazed.com:80/movies/snow.htm
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Funny Christmas Stuff
Funnys
DIOT SIGHTING: We had to have the garage door repaired. The Sears repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a "large" enough motor on the opener. I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one Sears made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower. He shook his head and said, "Lady, you need a 1/4 horsepower." I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4. He said, "NO, it's not." Four is larger than two.." We haven't used Sears repair since. IDIOT SIGHTING My daughter and I went through the McDonald's take-out window and I gave the clerk a $5 bill. Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her a quarter. She said, "you gave me too much money." I said, "Yes I know, but this way you can just give me a dollar bill back." She sighed and went to get the manager who asked me to repeat my request. I did so, and he handed me back the quarter, and said "We're sorry but they could not do that kind of thing." The clerk then proceeded to give me back $1 and 75 cents in
Funny Shit Lol
Comment on this video! More videos at myYearbook Mouse
Funny!!
TOO FUNNY - THE LAST ONE IS THE BEST Colonoscopies are no joke , but these comments during the exam were quite humorous..... A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies: 1. "Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before! 2. "Find Amelia Earhart yet?" 3. "Can you hear me NOW?" 4.. "Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?" 5. "You know, in Arkansas , we're now legally married." 6. "Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?" 7. "You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out..." 8.. "Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!" 9. "If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit! 10. "Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.." 11. "You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?" 12. "God, now I know why I am not gay." And the best one of all.. 13.. "Could you write a
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Funny
One Christmas Eve, Santa Claus comes down the chimney and is startled by a beautiful well endowed 19 year old blond. She said "Santa, will you please stay with me?", Santa replied, "Ho Ho Ho gotta go, gotta go, gotta deliver these toys to good girls and boys." So she took off her night gown, wearing only a bra and panties, she asked "Santa, now will you please stay with me?" "Ho Ho Ho gotta go, gotta go, gotta deliver these toys to good girls and boys." She takes off everything and says "Santa, now will you please stay with me?" Santa replies "Gotta stay, gotta stay, can't get up the chimney with my d**k this way!"
Funny Stuff
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Funny Crap
You Are Bold and Fearless You are usually the best at everything ... you strive for perfection. You are confident, authoritative, and aggressive. You have the classic "Type A" personality. You are confident, self assured, and capable. You are not easily intimidated. You master any and all skills easily. You don't have to work hard for what you want. You make your life out to be exactly how you want it. And you'll knock down anyone who gets in your way! You are very intuitive and wise. You understand the world better than most people. You also have a very active imagination. You often get carried away with your thoughts. You are prone to a little paranoia and jealousy. You sometimes go overboard in interpreting signals. You are balanced, orderly, and organized. You like your ducks in a row. You are powerful and competent, especially in the workplace. People can see you as stubborn and headstrong. You definitely have a dominant personality. You are very charming... dangerously so.
Funny But Clean Jokes
There are several men sitting around in the locker room of a private club after exercising. Suddenly a cell phone on one of the benches rings. One of the men picks it up, and the following conversation ensues: "Hello?" "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?" "Yes." "Great! I am at the mall two blocks from where you are. I just saw a beautiful mink coat. It's absolutely gorgeous!! Can I buy it?" "What's the price?" "Only $1,500.00." "Well, OK, go ahead and get it, if you like it that much ... " "Ahhh, and I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the 2001 models. I saw one I really liked. I spoke with the salesman, and he gave me a really good price ... and since we need to exchange the BMW that we bought last year ... " "What price did he quote you?" "Only $60,000 ... " "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options." "Great! But before we hang up, something else ... " "What?" "It might look like a lot, but I was reconciling your bank account and I st
Funny Green People
Just wondering if anyone besides me been having new members coming by for a visit and rating you a 1 or trying to copy pix from your photo gallery? If you haven't yet here is your warning!
Funnies
Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital. After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator. On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him. "I don't know," he said. "She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown." __________________________ An elderly gentleman... had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%. The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again." The gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit aroun
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Funny Jokes
SOMETHING TO OFFEND EVERYONE! What is! the difference between a Harley and a Hoover ? The position of the dirt bag Why is divorce so expensive? ! Because it's worth it. Why is air a lot like sex? Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any What do attorneys use for birth control? Their personalities. What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife? 45 lbs What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband? 45 minutes What's the fastest way to a man's heart? Through his chest with a sharp knife. Why do men want to marry virgins? They can't stand criticism. Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking? Because those men already have boyfriends. What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog? After a year, the dog is still excited to see you What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying? The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intenti
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1. Read less books. A little learning is a dangerous thing. Too much of it can really wreck your head. 2. Gain weight, at least 40 pounds. Didn't your mom always say you were bit skinny. 3. Cut down on exercise. Too much is bad for your health, it can even kill you. 4. Watch more TV. It's very educational. Catch up on all those programs you missed down the years. 5. Draw up a list of people who were nasty to you in the past year, get your own back on them in the next year! 6. Drink more. Wasn't it Benjamin Franklin who said, beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy. So be happy. 7. Eat more nice things like candy, Big Macs, popcorn and ice cream. Eat less crap like fresh fruit, vegetables and soy nuts. 8. Work less. Take it easy. All work and no play can make you a dull boy or girl. 9. Play more computer games. Scientists say they're good for you and improve your visual skills. But you always knew that. 10. Take up s
Funny Stuff
Thought this was funny and had to share..... 7 types of sex this is so damn true... The 1st kind of sex is called: Smurf Sex. This kind of sex happens when you first meet someone and you have sex until you are blue in the face. The 2nd kind of sex is called: Kitchen sex. This is when you have been with you partner for a short time and you are so needy you will have sex anywhere, even in the kitchen. The 3rd kind of sex is called: Bedroom Sex. This is when you have been with your partner for a long time. Your sex has gotten routine and you usually have sex only in your bedroom. The 4th kind of sex is called: Hallway Sex. This is when you have been with your partner for too long. When you pass each other in the hallway you both say "screw you." The 5th kind of sex is called: Religious Sex. Which means you get Nun in the morning, Nun in the afternoon and Nun at night. (very popular) The 6th kind is called: Courtroom Sex.
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Funny Shit Right Here......
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The federal government today announced that it is changing its emblem from an Eagle to a CONDOM because it more accurately reflects the government's political stance. A condom allows for inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of pricks, and gives you a sense of security while you're actually being screwed! Damn, it just doesn't get more accurate than that.
Funny Stuff
Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. So they loaded up Jack's minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night. "I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained. "I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house." "Don't worry," Jack said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light." The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night. Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing. But about nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attra
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~funny Things To Do To Get Back At People
Sing along at the opera. Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme. Holler random numbers while someone is counting. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sex" Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think." Declare your apartment an independent nation, and sue your neighbors upstairs for "violating your airspace." Forget the punchline to a long joke, but assure the listener it was a "real hoot." Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and see if people play along to avoid the appearance of ignorance. Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with prophesy." Wear a special hip holster for your remote control. Do not add any inflection to the end of your sentences, producing awkward silences with the impression that you'll be saying more any moment. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears. Give a play-by-play account of a persons every action in a nas
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Funn Poems Some Nsfw
screams of sorrow fill the night unsure of myself against their might not knowing what comes with the sun for tomorrow i know i must stare down the gun there is a man i do not know that will push a button to make me glow nukes will fill the air that is death for whom i stare so ill ride my camel's hump and dread that last bump ill drop my guns and run away cause ur taxes i will not pay i set my property on fire because thats what Saddam would desire but u put out that flame and forced me to hide in shame so now i sit here looking at the walls of the cave wondering if i should come out and behave cause i know what awaits me in here to live a life with out any beer but if i face the sand spiders and come out there you will arrest me and il hve to suck on bubba's pear so to ala i pray please protect me from his spray
Funny Sh*t
You know you've seen the folder... c'mon join the club. who wants to be in muh gangster fam-lee?? let me know if you wanna be a gangster too.. Before you unroll toilet paper, conspicuously lay down your "Cross-dressers Anonymous" newsletter on the floor visible to the adjacent stall. Cheer and clap loudly every time someoe brekas the silence w/ a bodily function noise. Drop a D-cup bra on the floor under the stall wall and sing "Born Free." Drop a marble and say, "Oh shit! My glass eye!" Fill a balloon w/ creamed corn. Rush into the stall w/ your hand over your mouth and let out a lengthy vomit impression while you squeeze the balloon and splatter cream corn all about. Apologize profusely and blame it on the fettuccine alfredo you had for breakfast. Fill up a large flask w/ Mountain Dew. Squirt it erratically under the stall walls of your neighbors while yelling, "Whoa! Easy boy!" Grunt and strain real loud for 30 seconds and then drop a cantaloupe into the toilet bow
Funniest Shit In The World..
I'm out in the wonderful world of dating. I am at the stand point of really hating it. Every single I have been on a date with has promised the world in hopes of getting pussy in return. When I don't give it up, they run like Forest. Every single one I have come across is either mental or so desperate for sex they don't give two shits about anything else. They will pay for dinners and nights out on the town, or anything you please. They will throw on the charm and make you feel like a princess. Anything for the chance to get you into the sack. FUCK YOU! I know I'm sexy and I'm beautiful. I love sex, love love love sex... BUT that's not all I think about. I don't revolve my life around it. Yeah I'm bitching right now. Hell Yeah I am. I am sick and tired of going out on these lame ass dates with the expectations of sex. And I turn them down and they say "oh its okay, I want to take it slow" "I like you a lot" "Your worth the wait".... and.. then.... They never call again.
Funny Hillary Clinton
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Funny Ass Shit!!!
Play well U read. "Is God a man with two arms and legs like me? Does He have eyes, a head? Does He have bowels? Well I do, and that makes me more wonderful than He is!" Kellogg's Cornflakes, the bland breakfast flakes that go almost instantly limp in milk were originally invented to bore you into such a deep coma that you would fall face down in the milk drenched flakes, drown, and thereby be spared the temptation and sin known as masturbation. Like many Christian conservatives before and since, Dr. John Harvey Kellogg believed that masturbation, and in fact all sexual excess, was sinful -- "sexual excess" here defined as "sex for anything beyond reproduction". For instance: after marrying, Kellogg chose to spend his honeymoon sequestered from his wife, valiantly striving to complete his his influential book Plain Facts for Old and Young: Embracing the Natural History and Hygiene of Organic Life (1892). Talk about your dull, soggy flakes. Kellogg himself s
Funny Shit
A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see that his bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to 'Dad.' With the worst premonition he opened the envelope with trembling hands and read the letter. Dear Dad: It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing to you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you. I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice. But I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing, tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much older than I am. But it's not only the passion, Dad . . . she's pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children. Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growin
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Funny Stuff
Man: Where have you been all my life? Woman: Hiding from you. Man: Haven't I seen you someplace before? Woman: Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore. Man: Is this seat empty? Woman: Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down. Man: Your place or mine? Woman: Both. You go to yours, and I'll go to mine. Man: So, what do you do for a living? Woman: I'm a female impersonator. Man: Hey baby, what's your sign? Woman: Do not enter. Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning? Woman: Unfertilized. Man: Your body is like a temple. Woman: Sorry, there are no services today. Man: I would go to the end of the world for you. Woman: But would you stay there? Man: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy. Woman: If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing
Funny Crap
Just to be clear about this, I DIDN'T WRITE THIS, ALTHOUGH I WISH I DID. It is from Maddox. You can find more of his writing Here Phrases that make my blood boil Ever hear someone quote some hackneyed proverb or some stupid expression they read on a greeting card somewhere, which causes you to think: "man, what a stupid bitch, I would love nothing more than to bludgeon her head against the wall"? Sure, we all have. These are a collection of some of the phrases that piss me off most. May or may not be: Ever hear someone say "that may or may not be the case," as if there's some hidden third possibility that we weren't aware of? Thanks for pointing out the only two possibilities in the universe shit-cock. These are the worst kind of people to talk to because they try so hard to be open-minded that it sounds like the debate in a political science class where no opinion is too stupid for the professor to consider and the same fat kid keeps raising his hand to tell you hi
Funny Stuff.....
NEVER ARGUE WITH A WOMAN One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads her book. Along comes a Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, "Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?" "Reading a book," she replies, (thinking, Isn't that obvious?) "You're in a Restricted Fishing Area," he informs her. "I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading." "Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. "I'll have to take you in and write you up." "If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the woman. "But I haven't even touched you," says the game warden. "That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment." "Have a nice day ma'am," and he left. MORAL: Never arg
Funny Jokes
Your eyes speak secrets, Stroking flames of desire My mind reels flying higher and higher I surrendered and lost all control As you reached out, awakened my soul My senses reel, I touch and feel Your hands over me, Can this be real? Your touch against my sultry skin, My inhibitions escape As you run kisses softly along my silken nape Showering me with feelings Of peace and serenity My body begins to tremble with ecstasy Our bodies entwine into sensual flight Your embrace so very warm and tight You've made me feel this forgotten desire As you slowly set my senses afire Passions rising Secrets of my body comprising Spellbound you stir my passion from within I know this must be a sin Anticipating the warmth of your touch Your body I do tightly clutch Stroking fear into submission For there is no contrition Our passions yet mounting, no limit in sight As pleasure we do incite I cry I moan I tremble so Raw emotion from so long ago As pleasure erupts
Funny
An 8 year old boy was riding his bicycle in Bryan, >Texas, when he saw his friend being attacked by a large pit bulldog. The boy jumped off his bike, ran and jumped on the dog's back. After prying the vicious animal's teeth from his young friend's body, he put the dog in a choke hold and held on until the dog was dead. The local newspaper editor happened to witness this feat and after calling for the ambulance on his cell phone, ran over to the young hero and said, 'Son, that was one of the bravest things I have ever seen.You're going to make tomorrow's headlines.' 'It will read: Texas A&M Fan is Hero: Risks His Life and Saves >Young Friend from Vicious Pit Bull Attack.' The youngster said, 'That's nice, but I'm not a Texas A&M Fan.' The editor said, 'OK, then it will read: University of Texas Fan Saves Young Friend's Life in Pit-Bull Attack.' The young man said, 'But I'm not an University of Texas fan.' The editor said, 'OK, then it will read, 'Rice Fan
Funny Chit
Place Your Bets! Posted in True Stories on Nov 28th, 2006 The National Safety Council has created an impressive chart featuring the odds of death. Some of the highlights include: - Legal Execution: 1 in 62,468 - Alcohol Poisoning: 1 in 10,048 - Firearm assault 1 in 314 - Dying of any cause 1 in 1 To see the full list and their funky chart sytem, go here. This is funny! Liquor Manufacturers have accepted the government's suggestion that the following warning labels be placed immediately on all varieties of alcohol containers: ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your bra and panties. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor
Funny Blogs
Smith went to Canada to seek his fortune as a lumberjack. He met a foreman of a logging organization who offered to give him a job. "Now I hope you realize we expect you to cut down at least 100 trees a day," the foreman told him. Smith didn't see this as a problem, so he went out with the Chainsaw and did his best. He came back sweating like a pig. "Christ, how many trees did you cut down?" asked the foreman. "6" he replied. "What!? You have to do better than that. Get up earlier tomorrow." The foreman said. So he did. Out he went with the chainsaw and came back that night exhausted. "How many this time?" asked the foreman. "12" he said. The foreman says, "That does it. I'm coming out there with you tomorrow morning." The next morning, the foreman reaches the first tree and says, "This is how to cut down trees really quickly." He pulls the rope on the chainsaw and it gives off a loud BRRRRRRUM. He notices Smith is looking at him frantically. So he asks
Funny Things:
I think it's funny how someone can give attention to those they shouldn't, but can't give it to the ONE they should! It's amazing how someone can flirt, chat and look at others that they shouldn't be flirting, chatting with or looking at, yet they can't even give the slightest hint of attention to the one that should be getting all the attention. It really pisses me off! And there he goes again... doing stuff he shouldn't. Telling ppl things he shouldn't... WTF! THE RULES OF RURAL MICHIGAN ARE AS FOLLOWS (LISTEN UP CITY SLICKERS!): 1. PULL YOUR DROOPY PANTS UP. YOU LOOK LIKE AN IDIOT. 2. TURN YOUR CAP RIGHT, YOUR HEAD ISN'T CROOKED. 3. LET'S GET THIS STRAIGHT; IT'S CALLED A "DIRT ROAD." I DRIVE A PICKUP TRUCK BECAUSE I WANT TO. NO MATTER HOW SLOW YOU DRIVE, YOU'RE GOING TO GET DUST ON YOUR LEXUS. DRIVE IT OR GET OUT OF THE WAY. 4. THEY ARE CATTLE. THEY'RE LIVE STEAKS. THAT'S WHY THEY SMELL FUNNY TO YOU. BUT THEY SMELL LIKE MONEY TO US. GET OVER IT. DON'T LIK
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Funny Ones
The Polite way to Pee During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach Good manners, asked her students the following question: "Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?" Michael said, "Just a minute I have to go pee." The teacher responded by saying, "That would be rude and impolite. What about you Sherman, how would you say it?" Sherman said, "I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back." "That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table. And you, little Edward, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?" "I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope to introduce you to after dinner." The teacher fainted.
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If your wife wants to learn to drive, don't stand in her way. A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing. The only reason people get lost in thought is because it's unfamiliar territory. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular? When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That's relativity. - Albert Einstein After twelve years of therapy my psychiatrist said something that brought tears to my eyes. He said, "No hablo ingles." Everyone has photographic memory; some just don't have the film. "One of the great things about books is sometimes there are some fantastic pictures." -George W. Bush "Fragile. Do not drop." -- Posted on a Boeing 757 My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher. - Socrates The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on. -
Funny Stuff!!
I stole this from a friend and figured it would be appreciated!! From a guys point of view...... I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart. FOR EXAMPLE: One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me." I said "WHAT??!! What was that?!" So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear... "You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man." She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?" Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep. The very next day I opted to take the da
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I have been under a lot of stress lately and makes me want to end this existence. I am having trouble at work which is causing all of the problems. I just don't know what to do. I'm tired of fighting and hiding how I feel. I feel like I am letting everyone in my life down. I hate to drag everyone down just had to put it out there.
Funny Emails
Dear Wife: I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you forever. I've been a good man to you for seven years and I have nothing to show for it. These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you quit your job today and that was the last straw. Last week, you came home and didn't even notice that I had a new haircut, had cooked your favorite meal and even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers. You ate in two minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching all of your soaps. You don't tell me you love me anymore; you don't want sex or anything that connects us as husband and wife. Either you're cheating on me or you don't love me anymore; whatever the case, I'm gone. Your EX-Husband P.S. Don't try to find me. Your SISTER and I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life! ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~ Dear Ex-Husband - Nothing has made my day more than complete than receiving your letter. It's true that
Funny Stuff
Dear Mr. Thatcher, I have been a loyal user of your 'Always' maxi pads for over 20 years and I appreciate many of their features. Why, without the LeakGuard Core or Dri-Weave absorbency, I'd probably never go horseback riding or salsa dancing, and I'd certainly steer clear of running up and down the beach in tight, white shorts. But my favorite feature has to be your revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company smart enough to realize how crucial it is that maxi pads be aerodynamic. I can't tell you how safe and secure I feel each month knowing there's a little F-16 in my pants. Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? I'm guessing you haven't. Well, my time of the month is starting right now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces violently surging through my body. Just a few minutes from now, my body will adjust and I'll be transformed into what my husband likes to call 'an inbred hillbilly with knife skills.' Isn't the human body ama
Funnystuff
When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know. I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it. A man answered, saying 'Hello.' I politely said, 'This is Chris. Could I please speak with Robin Carter?' Suddenly the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude. I tracked down Robin's correct number and called her. I had transposed the las t two digits of her phone number. After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again. When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled 'You're an asshole!' and hung up. I wrote his number down with the word 'asshole' next to it, and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, 'You're an asshole!' It always cheered me up.
Funny
Why do Midgets laugh when they run? Cause the grass tickels their nuts! One evening a husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his wife "Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in Slim Fast. Maybe it would take a few inches off of your butt!!" His wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn't let such a comment go unrewarded. The next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out of his drawer. "What the Hell is this??" he said to himself as a little "dust" cloud appeared when he shook them out. "April," he hollered into the bathroom, "Why did you put talcum powder in my underwear?" She replied with a snicker... "It's not talcum powder......It's 'Miracle Grow'."
Funny
A man walked into the ladies department and shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter and said, I'd like to buy a bra for my wife. What type of bra? asked the clerk. Type? inquires the man, There is more than one type? Look around, said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size, color and material imaginable. Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only four types of bras to choose from. Relieved, the man asked about the types. The sales lady replied: There are the Catholic, the Salvation Army, the Presbyterian, and the Baptist types. Which one would you prefer? Now totally befuddled, the man asked about the differences between them. The Saleslady responded, It is all really quite simple. The Catholic type supports the masses. The Salvation Army type lifts the fallen, The Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright, and The Baptist makes mountains out of mole hills. They forgot the German
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start from bottom: ->Kirk: just kidding . april fools Kirk: fuck no faggot meet ignore ->Kirk: you wanna see some pics of it? Kirk: ewww ->Kirk: yes Kirk: u have a dick? ->Kirk: you make mine hard to Kirk: u got my dick hard ->Kirk: mmm back at ya Kirk: mmmm
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hey hows it going idk about u but im tired of going into fast food resturants and seeing fat kid approved food go fuck yourselves with a fucking loaf of bread stop shoving this fattening thing in my face when i go to fast food resturants i know its bad for me but i dont care i like it im still going to eat it im tired of seeing these signs that tell me how bad of i diet im on ur not eating that so were gonna put fat kid approved for the people who want to eat a healthy life style u wanna eat an alternative healthy lifestyle grow some vegetable in ur back yard and make a salad stop cluttering up my fat filled menu with ur low carb crap ok for all the dieting u do and the make over u get and all the other things u do to make u more attractive ur all gonna grow old ur all gonna get wrinkles and u all will eventually die so yea the super sized fries arent good for u but neither are the pesticides in ur salad alright so basically were all choosing how were gonna die let me kill myself in pi
Funny For Daddys
Story of a daughter & her father..... One day my mother was out and my dad was in charge of me and my brother who is four years older than I am. I was maybe 1 and a half years old and had just recovered from an accident in which my arm had been broken among other injuries. Someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a get-well gift and it was one of my favorite toys. Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news and my brother was playing nearby in the living room when I brought Daddy a little cup of 'tea', which was just water. After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Mom came home. My Dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!!' My Mom waited, and sure enough, here I come down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy and she watches him drink it up, then says, 'Did it ever occur to you that the only place that baby can reach to get water is the toilet??'
Funny Stuff
Want more? Get 'em @ FriendsterStuff.com! At the end of the tax year, the Tax Office sent an inspector to audit the books of a synagogue. While he was checking the books he turned to the Rabbi and said, 'I notice you buy a lot of candles. What do you do with the candle drippings?' 'Good question', noted the Rabbi. 'We save them up and send them back to the candle makers, and every now and then they send us a free box of candles.' 'Oh', replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way, 'What about all these biscuit purchases? What do you do with the crumbs?' 'Ah, yes', replied the Rabbi, realizing that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. 'We collect them and send them back to the manufacturers, and every now and then they send a free box of holy biscuits.' 'I see!' replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all Rabbi. 'Wel
Funny Things:
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1. Maternity leave would last two years....with full pay. 2. There would be a cure for stretch marks. 3. Natural childbirth would become obsolete. 4. Morning sickness would rank as the nation's #1 health problem. 5. All methods of birth control would be 100% effective. 6. Children would be kept in the hospital until toilet trained. 7. Men would be eager to talk about commitment. 8. They wouldn't think twins were so cute. 9. Sons would have to be home from dates by 10:00 PM. 10. Briefcases would be used as diaper bags. 11. Paternity suits would be a fashion line of clothes. 12. They'd stay in bed during the entire pregnancy. 13. Restaurants would include ice cream and pickles as main entree's. 14. Women would rule the world. 1. Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true? A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it...don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventu
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Funny... Must read.. *_Cats and Dogs_* _The Dog_ 8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing! 9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing! 9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing! 10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing! 12:00 pm - Milk bones! My favorite thing! 1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favorite thing! 3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing! 5:00 pm - Dinner! My favorite thing! 7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favorite thing! 8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing! 11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing! _The Cat_ Day 983 of my captivity. My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength. The only thing that keeps me going is my d
Funny
I went grocery shopping recently while not being altogether sure that course of action was a wise one. You see, the previous evening I had prepared and consumed a massive quantity of my patented 'You're definitely going to shit yourself' chili. Tasty stuff, albeit hot to the point of being painful, which comes with a written guarantee from me that if you eat it the next day both of your a$$ cheeks WILL fall off. Here's the thing. I had awakened that morning, and even after two cups of coffee (and all of you know what I mean) nothing happened. No 'Watson's Movement 2'. Despite habanera peppers swimming their way through my intestinal tract, I appeared to be unable to create the usual morning symphony referred to by my next door neighbors as thunder and lightning. Knowing that a time of reckoning had to come, yet not sure of just when, I bravely set off for the market; a local Wal-Mart grocery store that I often haunt in search of tasty tidbits. Upon entering the store at f
Funny Stuff
Sometimes i just dont understand the wiring of some individuals...I thought i was weird, But there are definitely some flippen wacko's out there. They camouflage themselves well...But im here to tell you my friends...at least im psycho on the outside..im 100 percent hard to handle Bitch on wheels...But im proud of me. These individuals ( yes more than one ) Have some serious issues at hand, and ignoring them is not helping..its only making things worse. Oh well...maybe ill get lucky and a bus will hit them mid stride. And to think...These people BREED!!...God help us all...At least i had the common sense not to breed and reproduce another me...these fuckers are breeding like rabbits.
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E's woman! He's got good taste! That why he like Ange & ME sooo much :P Some chick E thought was hot hehe doppelgänger OMG lmao! ">
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The Marine Corps found they had too many officers and senior enlisted men. It was decided to offer an early retirement bonus. They promised any officer or senior enlisted man who volunteered for retirement a bonus of $1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points in his body. Those applying got to choose what those two points would be. The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of $72,000. The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked out with $96,000. The third one was a non-commissioned officer, a grizzly old Sergeant Major who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied, "From the tip of my weenie to my testicles." It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider, explaining about the nice big c
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A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class section of an airplane. The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped her nose, then visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds. The man went back to his reading. A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, wiped her nose, then shuddered violently once more. Assuming that the woman might have a cold, the man was still curious about the shuddering. A few more minutes passed when the woman sneezed yet again. As before she took a tissue, wiped her nose, her body shaking even more than before. Unable to restrain his curiosity, the man turned to the woman and said, 'I couldn't help but notice that you've sneezed three times, wiped your nose and then shuddered violently. Are you ok?' 'I am sorry if I disturbed you, I have a very rare medical condition; whenever I sneeze I have an orgasm.' The man, more than a bit embarrassed, was still curious. 'I have never
Funny
Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to the call. The house was very dark so the paramedic asked Kathleen, a 3-yr old girl to hold a flashlight high over her mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby. Very diligently, Kathleen did as she was asked. Heidi pushed and pushed and after a little while, Connor was born. The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom. Connor began to cry. The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her help and asked the wide-eyed 3-yr old what she thought about what she had just witnessed. Kathleen quickly responded, "He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place......smack his ass again!"
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Funny Idiots Lol
->wildwoody3000: well that wouldnt have been fun, now would it. wildwoody3000: alright w.e. you cudda just said no ->wildwoody3000: sure! as soon as i scrub the "I'm a whore" off my forehead. wildwoody3000: are you gunna go on tonight? ->wildwoody3000: can you fit a 2 liter? ->wildwoody3000: dinner plates... wildwoody3000: only if you go on cam tonight ->wildwoody3000: wild animals ->wildwoody3000: pointy shit too! ->wildwoody3000: like... you shove stuff in your ass. ->wildwoody3000: i like kinky shit. wildwoody3000: ill do anything! ->wildwoody3000: what are you willing to do lol wildwoody3000: what do you mean what am i ? wildwoody3000: whats ur messenger id ill add you =] ->wildwoody3000: what are you wildwoody3000: depends what r you willing to do wildwoody3000: go on cam tonight ill go on with you tmrw..i promise ->wildwoody3000: yes and what is it that you want me to do wildwoody3000:do you have a webcam
Funny Auto Claim Excuses
These excuses were on accident claim forms of a major insurance company. People are asked for a brief statement describing their particular accident. 1. The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intention. 2. I thought my window was down but found it was up when I put my hand through it. 3. A pedestrian hit me and went under my car. 4. The guy was all over the place. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him. 5. I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and headed over the embankment. 6. The accident occured when I was attempting to bring my car out of a skid by steering it into the other vehicle. 7. I was driving my car out of the driveway in the usual manner, when it was struck by the other car in the same place it had been struck several times before. 8. I was on my way to the doctor’s with rear-end trouble when my universal joint gave way, causing me to have an accident. 9. As
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need a good laugh here you go. JUST TO LET YOU KNOW THIS STORY IS ALL MADE UP NOTHING PERTAINS TO ME...LOL It's hard being a divorced mom at Christmas time. And I don't just mean it's hard making ends meet and buying the presents. My boys, Troy and Kevin, weren't getting any socks and underwear under the tree. I know how to shop for teenagers. Troy is 17, and although I wasn't about to buy him that giant subwoofer he asked for, I knew he'd be happy with the iPod he'd find in his Christmas stocking. And Kevin, 13, was getting a new BMX bike...my only requirement being that he wear a helmet. There are times, though, like late on Christmas Eve when I was trying to assemble that damn bike, that I wished I had a man around. Not because I can't handle a hex wrench, mind you, and besides, if that was all I needed I could have asked Troy for a hand. No, I just missed sharing the warmth of the holidays and the Christmas memories. And there's no reason I should be alone - I'm an
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Everybody who has a dog calls it something like "Rover" or "Spot" or "Bruno" But I thought I'd call my dog "Sex." Now my dog, Sex, has been very embarrassing to me. When I went to the city hall to renew his license, I told the clerk I would like a license for Sex. He said, "I'd like to have one too". Then I said, "But this is a dog." He said he didn't care what she looked like. Then I said, "You don't understand. I've had Sex since I was nine years old." He said that I must have been quite a kid. When I got married and went on my honeymoon, I took the dog with us. I told the hotel clerk that I wanted a room for my wife and me, and a special room for Sex. He said that every room in the hotel was for sex. So I finally said, "You don't understand. Sex keeps me awake at night." The clerk said, "Me too." One day I entered Sex in a contest, but before the competition began, the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just standing there looking around. I told him I had p
Funny Shit
The 1st Affair A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day they went to her place and made love all afternoon. Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM. The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt. He put on his shoes and drove home. 'Where have you been?' his wife demanded. 'I can't lie to you,' he replied, 'I'm having an affair with my secretary. We had sex all afternoon.' She looked down at his shoes and said: 'You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!' The 2nd Affair A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked about having a son. They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted. The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy. The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son. He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen. He told his wife: 'There's no way I c
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The husband leans over and asks his wife, 'Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you. ' Yes, she says, 'I remember it well. ' OK,' he says, 'How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?' Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!' A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them. The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the
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To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas, which she does not fancy). Your new Prime Minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect: (You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.) 1. Then look up aluminum, and check the pronunciation guide.You will be
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Funny Stuff
Always wanted a Taser. Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-taser supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety....?? COOL!
Funny Things
West Virginia Ten Commandments Some people in West Virginia have trouble with all those 'shalls' and 'shall not's' in the Ten commandments. Folks just aren't> used to talking in those terms.. So, some folks in West Virginia got together and translated the 'King James' into 'County' language..... no joke, read on... The Hillbilly's Ten Commandments (posted on the wall at First Baptist Church in Summersville, West Virginia) (1) Just one God (2) Put nothin' before God (3) Watch yer mouth (4) Git yourself to Sunday meetin' (5) Honor yer Ma & Pa (6) No killin' (7) No foolin' around with another fellow's gal (8) Don't take what ain't yers (9) No tellin' tales or gossipin' (10) Don't be hankerin' for yer buddy's stuff WELL I JUST HOPE THAT THE GUYS REMEMBER THIS :) What ever you give a woman,she's going to multiply. If you give her sperm,whe will give you a baby. If you give her a house, she will give you a home. If you give her groceries, she will give you a me
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Here is a funny cartoon
Funnies
George Carlin on age 102. (Absolutely Brilliant) Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to get old is when we're kids? If you're less than 10 years old, you're so excited about aging that you think in fractions. 'How old are you?' 'I'm four and a half!'You're never thirty-six and a half. You're four and a half, going on five! That's the key! You get into your teens, now they can't hold you back. You jump to the next number, or even a few ahead. 'How old are you?' 'I'm gonna be 16!' You could be 13, but hey, you're gonna be 16! And then the greatest day of your life .. . You become 21. Even the words sound like a ceremony. YOU BECOME 21. YESSSS!!! But then you turn 30. Oooohh, what happened there? Makes you sound like bad milk! He TURNED; we had to throw him out. There's no fun now, you're Just a sour-dumpling. What's wrong? What's changed? You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, then you're PUSHING 40. Whoa! Put on the brakes, it's all slipping away. Befor
Funny Joke
There was this guy who always went out drinking with his friends. He would always come home very late. One night, while he was at the bar he told them his secret for being able to sneak in late. "When I walk in the house, before the wife can say anything, I lay her down, take off her panties, and give her the best oral sex she's ever had, until she has such an orgasm that she falls into a deep sleep. Then, I wash up and go to bed. By morning, she is so pleased, she doesn't care what time I came home." One of his friends thinks this is a great idea. So he stays out late, comes home, sneaks into the bedroom, gives his wife the best oral sex she's ever had, and goes to wash up. His wife walks into the bathroom, obviously upset that he's home so late. "Hey, why aren't you sleeping?" he asks. "I was was, but I came in to tell you that we've got to sleep on the couch tonight, 'cause my mother is sleeping in our bedroom."
Funny Shit
So yesterday i rated some of the people in my bar tab. well today i come home to find one person's reply. " well your black and i dont like nigger bitches... sorry". wow for real lol
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For several years, a married man was having an affair with an Italian woman. One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child. If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18. She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write 'Spaghetti' on the back. He would then arrange for the child support payments to begin. One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife. 'Honey,' she said, 'you received a very strange post card today.' 'Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later,' he said. The wife watched as her husband read the card, turn ed white and fainted. On the card was written: 'Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Thre
Funny Stuff
A Christmas Story for people having a bad day: When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas pressure. Then Mrs Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more. When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where. Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered. Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drank all the cider and hidden the liquor. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the
Funny Stuff
We're trying to move in a desk the hubby's grandfather made to use in the office. So out goes the POS 15 year old particle board u-build-it desk... as I was cleaning out all my old stuff, I cam across my old 14400 baud modem :P Holy crap. I don't even know who some of these people are. You take the top 10 most played songs on your iPod or similar device (or just pick 10 songs you listen to a really really lot). Post the first line of the lyrics to each in your blog. Sit back in smug satisfaction, knowing you have the best taste in music ever (this is a crucial step). Then your friends do their part: in the comments section, try to identify what songs the lyrics come from. Oh, and Googling is cheating! And so is looking at my other blogs. So here's my top 10 played songs from my ipod: 1. I like your pants around your feet I like the dirt that's on your knees And I like the way you still say please While you're looking up at me You're like my favourite damn disease
Funny Things!! Jus Humorous!!
Funny Thoughts
"Treat me like an angel and I'll be your lil' devil." Crazy is a relative term in my family! Men, chocolate, and coffee are all better rich. "Life is not measured by the breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away." "Keep smiling, it makes people wonder what you're up to." Procrastinate now, don't put it off. Boys make good pets! Princess in training! At least I can still smoke in my car Caution, Blind Man Driving. "Never think about the mistakes you made. Think about the mistakes you will make." All trespassers will be shot on sight. All survivors will then be prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law. Have a nice day! "To learn to succeed, you must first learn to fail."-Michael Jordan "No BLOOD no foul." "Life's an Ocean, Sail It" "We are going to rip off your testicles.......and slash your tires." - Nip Best friends are the people that know all about and still put up with you! I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
Funny Shit That's Happened ..
Funny Shit That's Happened ..
Funny
Funny Halo Stuff
"Yo Momma's so fat she jumped through Halo and got stuck." "Yo Momma's so fat when she fell through the map, she killed the Guardians." "Yo Momma's so fat when she went through a teleporter, she telefragged her left thigh." "Yo Momma's so fat when she jumped on the swinging bridge on Headlong, it overloaded." "Yo Momma's so fat she takes up two pregame lobbies." "Yo Momma's so fat when she spawned she got a Killamanjaro, Killamanjaro, Killamanjaro..." "Yo Momma's so fat she walked up to the Scorpion and it said "Don't press X to drive Scorpion." "Yo Momma's so fat when she spawned, no one else could spawn because she took up all the spawn points." "Yo Momma's so fat when she went to blue screen it said "Reducing weight"" "Yo Momma's so fat she actually uses the Pizza Cutter on Burial Mounds." "Yo Momma's so fat when she spawned it said "Press X to pick up Sniper Rifle, Plasma Pistol, Plasma Rifle, SMG..." "Yo Momma's so stupid people thought she was stand-bying because she k
Fun - Naked Melee
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Funny Stuff
You just can't make this stuff up When southern Florida resident Nathan Radlich's house was burglarized recently, thieves ignored his wide screen plasma TV, his VCR, and even left his Rolex watch. What they did take however, was a generic white cardboard box filled with a grayish-white powder. (That's the way the police report described it.) A spokesman for the Fort Lauderdale police said that it looked similar to high grade cocaine and they'd probably thought they'd hit the big time. Later, Nathan stood in front of numerous TV cameras and pleaded with the burglars: "Please return the cremated remains of my sister, Gertrude, she died three years ago." The next morning, the bullet-riddled corpse of a local drug dealer known as Hoochie Pevens was found on Nathan's doorstep. The cardboard box was there too; with about half of Gertrude's ashes still remaining inside it. Scotch taped to the box was this note which said:
Funny Stuff!!
~~Here is a riddle that i need help with~~ What is more greater than God More evil than the devil The poor have it The rich need it and if you eat it you will die anybody know?? So the spotlight is a R/L minister and she is wearing that???? Wow!! What is wrong with the world??? LMAO!!! God Bless You All!! Happy Friday!!!!
Funny Shit
Subject: dog food diet I have a Golden retriever & I was buying a large bag of Purina at Wal-Mart and was in line to check out. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog. On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms. I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again. I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a guy who was behind her. Horrified, she asked if I'd ended up in the hospital in that condition because I had been poisoned. I told her no; it was becau
Funny Videos
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NFg3HBMJyV4 Banned Budweiser Commercial http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EJJL5dxgVaM Swear Jar http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tnUEcG4iH34 Banned Super Bowl 2007 Bud commercial http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=related&v=NMslPDT61-g Top 10 SuperBowl BANNED Commercials http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L11fQ6-QTIc Banned Beer Commercial
Funny Stuff
Thank goodness there's a name for this disorder. Somehow I feel better,even though I have it!! Recently, I was diagnosed with A.A.A.D.D. - Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder. This is how it manifests: I decide to water my garden. As I turn on the hose in the driveway, I look over at my car and decide it needs washing. As I start toward the garage, I notice mail on the porch table that I brought up from the mail box earlier. I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car. I lay my car keys on the table, put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table, and notice that the can is full. So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the garbage first. But then I think, since I'm going to be near the mailbox when I take out the garbage anyway, I may as well pay the bills first. I take my check book off the table, and see that there is only one check left. My extra checks are in my desk in the study, so I go inside the ho
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1. At dinner, guard your plate with fork and steak knife, so as to give the impression that you'll stab anyone, including the waiter, who reaches for it. 2. Collect the salt shakers from all of the tables in the restaurant, and balance them in a tower on your table. 3. Wipe your nose on your date's sleeve. Twice. 4. Make funny faces at other patrons, then sneer at their reactions. 5. Repeat every third third word you say say. 6. Give your claim to fame as being voted "Most Festerous" for your high school yearbook. 7. Read a newspaper or book during the meal. Ignore your date. 8. Stare at your date's neck, and grind your teeth audibly. 9. Twitch spastically. If asked about it, pretend you don't know what they are talking about. 10. Stand up every five minutes, circle your table with your arms outstretched, and make airplane sounds. 11. Order a bucket of lard. 12. Ask for crayons to color the placemat. This works very well in fancier venues tha
Funnies
This is why women should not take men shopping against their will.After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips toWal-Mart.
Funny Stuff
An award should go to the Virgin Airlines desk attendant in Sydney some months ago for being smart and funny, while making her point, when confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo. A crowded Virgin flight was canceled after Virgin's 767s had been withdrawn from service. A single attendant was re-booking a long line of inconvenienced travelers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, 'I HAVE to be on this flight and it HAS to be FIRST CLASS'. The attendant replied, 'I'm sorry, sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these people first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out.' The passenger was unimpressed. H e asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, 'DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?' Without hesitating, the attendant smiled and grabbed her public address microphone: 'May I have your attention please, may I have yo
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Funny Stuff
Things you should never say to a DJ... 1. PLAY SOMETHING GOOD...SOMETHING WE CAN DANCE TO ! The DJ has to play for more than one person...so what you hate may be another's favorite song and EVERYTHING played here can be danced to one way or another. 2. WOULD YOU PLAY SOMETHING WITH A "BEAT" ! BE SERIOUS! We know of NO songs played in a club that don't have some sort of BEAT! 3. I DON'T KNOW WHO SINGS IT AND I DON'T KNOW THE NAME OF THE SONG, BUT IT GOES LIKE THIS.... PLEASE don't sing for the DJ. They have to put up with smoke filled rooms and dangerous decibel levels all night long...Do them a favor and DON'T give them a rendition of your favorite song. 4. EVERYBODY WANTS TO HEAR IT ! Oh, sure... you polled everyone in the club and, as their spokesperson, you're requesting the song. 5. EVERYBODY WILL DANCE IF YOU PLAY IT ! The DJ won't. I guess that blows a hole in that theory! 6. I CAN GET LAID IF YOU PLAY IT ! Why settle for one night? Buy the albu
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Shrek, Beyonce' and Denzel Washington were all having lunch together. Shrek said, 'I've always thought that I'm the strongest man in the world, but how can I be sure?' Denzel Washington said, 'I'm pretty sure I'm the sexiest man alive but I've never had it confirmed.' Beyonce' agreed. 'I'm told I'm the most gorgeous of them all, but sometimes I wonder.' They all decided that the best way to find out if their beliefs were true was to ask the famed talking 'mirror, mirror on the wall' to confirm for them whether Shrek was the strongest, Beyonce was the most gorgeous and Denzel Washington was the sexiest. They agreed to meet again the next day for lunch to discuss their findings. The next day Shrek walked up with a smile. 'Well, it's true. The mirror told me that I am the strongest man in the world.' Denzel Washington perked up and said: 'And I know for sure that I'm the sexiest man alive.' But Beyonce' lifted her sad, gorgeous face and said....... "Who in the world is P
Funny Stuff
20 REASONS CHOCOLATE IS BETTER THAN SEX 1. You can get chocolate 2. "If you love me you will swallow" has real meaning with chocolate 3. Chocolate satisfies even when it has gone soft 4. You can safely have chocolate while your are driving 5. You can make chocolate last as long as you want it to 6. You can have chocolate in front of your mother 7. If you bite the nuts too hard the chocolate won't mind 8. Two people of the same sex can have chocolate without being called nasty names 9. The word "commitment" doesn't scare off chocolate 10. You can have chocolate on top of your workbench/desk during work hours without upsetting your co-workers 11. You can ask a stranger for chocolate without getting your face slapped 12. You don't get hairs in your mouth with chocolate 13. Whit chocolate there is no need to fake it 14. Chocolate doesn't make you pregnant 15. You can have chocolate at any time of the month 16. Good chocolate is easy to find 17. You can have as many k
Funny Sh*t
A hip young man goes out and buys the best car available: a 1999 Ferrari GTO. It is also most expensive car in the world, and it costs him $500,000. He takes it out for a spin and stops for a red light. An old man on a moped (both looking about 75 years old) pulls up next to him. The old man looks over at the sleek, shiny car and asks, "What kind of car ya' got there, sonny?" The young man replies, "A 1999 Ferrari GTO. It cost half a million dollars!" "That's a lot of money, "says the old man. "Why does it cost so much?" "Because this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!" states the young dude proudly. The moped driver asks, "Mind if I take a look inside?" "No problem," replies the owner. So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Then sitting back on his moped, the old man says, "That's a pretty nice car, all right!" Just then the light changes so the guy decides to show the old man just what his carming toward him. Whoooooos
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Yo motherfucker What the fuck you lookin at? Yo, get out my motherfuckin face right now Yo man, trip this I was out on the ave man This nigga lookin at me wrong So I pulled out my motherfuckin nine And I SMOKED HIS ASS Woke up, didn't choke up Saw my AK, it was broke up Put it together like a jigsaw Got my nine, and my Rambo knife off the floor Went to the bathroom, and beat the rush Yo, who the fuck used my toothbrush? Went to my sister's room, yo bitch, wake up You stupid ass, dirty ass, nasty ass slut Shot her in the leg, shot her in the thigh Kick her in the pussy and punched her in the eye Slapped her in the head, stepped on her corns Don't fuck with mine bitch, word is born Went downstairs to eat wit my folks Ma, you broke my fuckin egg yoke! Punch her in the chest, cut on her cheek Then I did a sweep, knocked the bitch off her feet Knee to the pussy, kick to the skull AK yo I shot the bitch in the temple Pops got mad cause mom got licked I didn't g
Funnies
To my friends who enjoy a glass of wine... and those who don't. As Ben Franklin said: In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is freedom, in water there is bacteria. In a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists have demonstrated that if we drink 1 litre of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli, (E. coli) - bacteria found in feces. In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop. However, we do NOT run that risk when drinking wine & beer (or tequila, rum, whiskey or other liquor) because alcohol has to go through a purification process of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting. Remember: Water = Poop, Wine = Health. Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid, than to drink water and be full of shit. There is no need to thank me for this valuable information: I'm doing it as a p
Funny
Sad News Please join me in remembering a great icon of the entertainment community. The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and trauma complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71. Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch. The grave site was piled high with flours. Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded. Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times, he still was a crusty old man and was considered a positive roll model for millions. Doughboy is survived by his wife Play Dough, three children: John Dough, Jane Dough
Funny
Okay, this should be a blast! Let's see how many people we can get to play. The name of the game is, "Penis" and that says it all. All you have to do is leave a comment. Take the name of a movie and replace one of the words with the word PENIS. Don't forget to put your name on it - then we can all see how perverted our friends are. NO REPEATS!!! I'll start... Kim- The Truth About Cats and Penis (Dogs)
Funny
If they ever come up with a swashbuckling School, I think one of the courses should be Laughing, Then Jumping Off Something. When you're riding in a time machine way far into the future, don't stick your elbow out the window, or it'll turn into a fossil. It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man. At first I thought, if I were Superman, a perfect secret identity would be "Clark Kent, Dentist," because you could save money on tooth X-rays. But then I thought, if a patient said, "How's my back tooth?" and you just looked at it with your X-ray vision and said, "Oh it's okay," then the patient would probably say, "Aren't you going to take an X-ray, stupid?" and you'd say, "Aw fuck you, get outta here," and then he probably wouldn't even pay his bill. One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my little nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to an old burned-out warehouse. "Oh, no," I said. "Disneyland burned down.
(10 Fun New Ways I Came Up With To Kiss Your Date Enjoy)
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Bulletin: If We Had Sex....GAME. don't be scared. you never know who really wants to do you! (Reply so only I see it and Repost so others can fill it out). 1. Would you be in control? 2. Would you whisper in my ear? 3. Would you kiss me with a little tongue or a lot of tongue? 4. Would you say my name? 5. Would le me go down on you? 6. Would you let me give you a hickie? 7. How many rounds would we go? 8. What would you wanna do afterwards? 9. Would you take off all your clothes then take mine off slowly? 10. Would you lick and bite me all over? 11. Would you like to play or get straight to the point? 12. Would you want me to take my time? 13. Would you want me to go fast or slow? 14. Where would you wanna "do it"? 15. Would you be loud or quiet? 16. Would you mind if i licked you? 17. Would you do it today? 18. Would you do it tomorrow? 19. Would you call me in the morning? 20. What is your favorite position? 21. What is off limits? 22. What
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COLORED FOLKS! This was written by a black guy in Texas and is so funny. What a great sense of humor. When I born, I black , when I grow up, I black, when I go in sun, I black, when I cold, I black, when I scared, I black , when I sick, I black, and when I die, I still black You white folks.... when you born, you pink , when you grow up, you white, when you go in sun, you red , when you cold, you blue , when you scared, you yellow, when you sick, you green, when you bruised, you purple, and when you die, you gray. So who you callin' C O L O R E D ???? ! This is funny Two Mexicans are riding along Pacific Coast Highway on a motorbike. They break down and start hitching a lift. A friendly trucker stops to see if he can help and the Mexicans ask him for a lift. He tells them he has no room in the wagon as he is carrying 20,000 bowling balls. The Mexicans put it to the driver that if they can manage to fit in the back with their bike will he take them
Funny In Flight Announcements
1. "As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses." 2. "Last one off the plane must clean it." 3. After landing: "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride." 4. As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. Whoa!" 5. After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced: "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted." 6. From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX to YYY. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbe
Funnies
1. Talk about a huge breast! 2. Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist. 3. It's Cool Whip time! 4. If I don't undo my pants, I'll burst! 5. Whew, that's one terrific spread! 6. I'm in the mood for dark meat. 7. Are you ready for seconds yet? 8. It's a little dry, do you still want to eat it? 9. Just wait your turn, you'll get some. 10. Don't play with your meat. 11. Just spread the legs open and stuff it in. 12. Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once? 13. I didn't expect everyone to come at once! 14. You still have a little bit on your chin. 15. How long will it take after you stick it in? 16. You'll know it's ready when it pops up. 17. Wow, I didn't think I could handle all of that! 18. That's the biggest one I've ever seen! 19. How long do I beat it before it's ready? Happy Thanksgiving
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One year Esther and Morris went to the fair, and Morris said 'Esther, I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter' I might never get another chance.'
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A Funny :d
The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, 'Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon.' Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. 'Good morning, Ma'am', he said, 'I've come to.....' 'Oh, no need to explain,' Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, 'I've been expecting you.' 'Have you really?' said the photographer. 'Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?' 'Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat'. After a moment she asked, blushing, 'Well, where do we start?' 'Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there' 'Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn'
Funny I Love It Thanks Trendy
To Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity 1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down. 2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice! 3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, ask If They Want Fries with that. 4. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks . Once Everyone has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch to Espresso. 5. In the Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write ' For Marijuana. 6. Skip down the hall Rather Than Walk and see how many looks you get. 7. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face. 8. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is 'To Go'. 9. Sing Along At The Opera. 10. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their Party Because You have a headache. 11. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream 'I Won! I Won!' 12. When Leaving the Zoo, Start Running towards the Parking lot, Yelling 'Run For
Funni..no=p?
Dear Love, I Dont Really Know How To Tell You This, But Im Joining The Covent.I Think I Realized It Last Year When You Peed Your Pants In Your Car, And I Saw You Sit On The Catholic Priest.Im Sure Youre Open Enough To Understand That Santa Doesnt Exist.Im Returning Youre Toe Ring, But I'll Keep Your Collection Of Butterflies As A Memory.You Should Also Know That I Get Sick When I Think Of Your Feet And im Off To Lead A New Life-As-A-LEMON! Please Dont Hurt Me, Chasity;) How to play: Dear (a friend's name from your top friends), I don't really know how to tell you this, (1). I think I realized it (2) (3) and I saw you (4) (5). I'm sure you're (6) enough to understand (7). I'm returning (8), but I'll keep (9) as a memory. You should also know that I (10) and (11). (12), (Your Name) 1) What's the color of your shirt? Blue - I'm in love with your cat Red - Our affair is over White - I’m joining the Convent Black -Our romance is over Green- Our sock
Funny Stuff
California
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Only a person in Texas could think of this. From the county where drunk driving is considered a sport, comes this true story. Recently a routine police patrol parked outside a bar in Austin, Texas after last call the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so apparently intoxicated that he could barely walk. The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity in which he tried his keys on five different vehicles, the man managed to find his car and fall into it. He sat there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off--it was a fine, dry summer night--,flicked the blinkers on and off a couple of times, honked the horn and then switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and then remained still for a few more minutes as some more of the other patrons' vehicles left. At last, whe
Funny But True
Funnies And Stoof
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Funny Shit!!!!!
The Man Rules At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down Finally , the guys' side of the story. We always hear ' the rules ' From the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side. These are our rules! Please note.. these are all numbered '1 ' ON PURPOSE! 1. Men are NOT mind readers. 1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down. 1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be. 1. Crying is blackmail. 1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it! 1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question. 1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for. 1. Anything we said
Funny ....
To my friends who enjoy a glass of wine... and those who don't. As Ben Franklin said: In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is freedom, in water there is bacteria. Come on over to our cottage for a glass any time, to prove and debate this topic. In a number of carefully controlled trials, however, scientists have already demonstrated that if we drink 1 liter of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli, (E. coli) - bacteria found in feces.. In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop.. However, we do NOT run that risk when drinking wine & beer (or tequila, rum, whiskey or other liquor) because alcohol has to go through a purification process of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting. Remember: Water = Poop, Wine = Health. Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid, than to drink water and be full of shit.. There is no need to thank me for this valuable information: I'm doing it a
Funny Stuff
I found this on Photobucket. Some people just don't know where to draw the line. I won't use any names so as not to seemingly attack anyone. This is a voicemail that someone (we'll call them "The Stalker") left for someone else (we'll call them "The Stalked") when their friend (we'll call them "The Commentor")left a comment on their page and "The Stalker" didn't like it.
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Q. What do you call it when someone farts in a gay bar? A. A love call. Q. How do you give a blind queer a thrill? A. Leave the plunger in the toilet. Q. How do lesbians handle their liquor? A. By the ears. (Lick her) Q. What do tight pants and a cheap motel have in common? A. No ball room Q. What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over? A. Doughnuts. Q. What do you get when you put 50 lesbians and 50 politicians in a room together? A. 100 people who don't do dick. Q. What's the last thing Tickle Me Elmo receives before he leaves the factory? A. Two test tickles Q. Why did God create alcohol? A. So ugly people would have a chance to have sex. Q. What's the speed limit of sex? A. 68 because at 69 you have to turn around. Q. What's the ultimate rejection? A. When you're masturbating and your hand falls asleep. bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbb
Funny Shyte
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Sexy Comments & Profile Graphics
Funny Stuff.
A chicken farmer went to a local bar.... Sat next to a woman and ordered a glass of champagne..The woman perks up and says, 'How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!''What a coincidence' the farmer says. 'This is a special day for me.... I am celebrating''This is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating!' says the woman.'What a coincidence!' says the farmer! As they clinked glasses the man asked, 'What are you celebrating?''My husband and I have been trying to have a child and today my gynaecologist told me that I am pregnant!''What a coincidence,' says the man. 'I'm a chicken farmer and for years all of my hens were infertile, but today they are all laying fertilized eggs.''That's great!' says the woman. 'How did your chickens become fertile?''I used a different cock,' he replied.The woman smiled and said, 'What a coincidence.' A
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if you want a good laugh check out this site. http://www.fmylife.com/
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SING IT GIRLS!!! OUT LOUD At first I was afraid, I was petrified. When you said you had 10 inches, Lord I almost died! But I'd spent so many years just waiting for a man that long, That I grew strong, and I knew that I could take you on... But there you are, another lie, I was ready for a Big Mac and you've brought me a French fry! I should have known that it was bulls***t, just a sad pathetic dream Should have known there was no Anaconda lurking in those Jeans! Go on now-go! , Walk out the door, Don't you promise me 10 inches, then turn up with only 4! Weren't you a brat to think I wouldn't find you out!? Don't you know we're only joking when we say size don't count??!! [Chorus] I will survive! I will survive! Cuz as long as I have batteries, My sex life's gonna thrive! I will always have good sex, With a handful of latex! I will survive! I will survive! Hey! Hey! It took all my self control not to laugh out loud, When I saw your little weiner standin
The Funniest Shit
>>"Ridge Hall computer assistance; may I help you?" "Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect." >>"What sort of trouble?" "Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away." >>"Went away?" "They disappeared." >>"Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?" "Nothing." >>"Nothing?" "It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type." >>"Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?" "How do I tell?" >>"Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?" "What's a sea-prompt?" >>"Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?" "There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type." >>"Does your monitor have a power indicator?" "What's a monitor?" >>"It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?" "I don't know." >>"Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that
Funny Stuff
So i go onto this site to see what my celebrity look a like is and the first one i match for is Jessica Simpson the morph is bad so i try to load another picture and it turns out thatg i look like Kristin Davis... take a look and tell me what you think. MyHeritage: Celebrity Morph - Free genealogy - Geneology
Funny
The dinner guests were sitting around the table discussing life. One man, a CEO, decided to explain the problem with education. He argued, 'What's a kid going to learn from someone who decided his best option in life was to become a teacher?' He reminded the other dinner guests what they say about teachers: 'Those who can, do. Those who can't, teach.' To emphasize his point he said to another guest; 'You're a teacher, Bonnie. Be honest. What do you make?' Bonnie, who had a reputation for honesty and frankness replied, 'You want to know what I make? (She paused for a second, then began...) 'Well, I make kids work harder than they ever thought they could. I make a C+ feel like the Congressional Medal of Honor. I make kids sit through 40 minutes of class time when their parents can't make them sit for 5 without an I Pod, Game Cube or movie rental. "You want to know what I make." (She paused again and looked at each and every person at the ta
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Funny Stuff
A husband tattooed "I luv u" on his equipment and his wife said "there you go putting words in my mouth again" The perfect Fairy Tale: Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl, 'Will you marry me?' The girl said, 'NO!' And the guy lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles, and went fishing and hunting, and played golf a lot and drank bee...r and scotch, and had money in the bank and left the toilet seat up, and farted whenever he wanted. The end
Funny Shyt
What were they thinking when they passed these??? Alabama- It is illegal for a driver to be blindfolded while operating a vehicle. Alaska- It is concidered an offence to push a live moose out of a moving airplane. Arizona- Hunting Camels is prohibited and donkeys can not sleep in bathtubs. Arkansas- Alligators may not be kept in bathtubs. California- No vehicle without a driver may exceed 60 mph. Colorado- Throwing Missles at cars is illegal. Connecticut- In order for a pickle to be concidered a pickle, it must bounce. Delaware- Alcohol may not be served in the same nightclub if dancing is occuring on the premises at the sametime. Florida- Having sexual relations with a porcupine is illegal. Georgia- It is illegal to use profanity infront of a dead body which lies in a funeral home or coroners office. Hawaii- Coins are not allowed to be placed in one's ear. Idaho- It is illegal for a man to give his sweetheart a box of candy weighing less than 50lbs. Illinois- The E
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Funny
Isn't it funny how a guy who doesnt even know me ask me do i like to suck dick... well sure I like to suck dick do u like to eat my pussy well I have standards and for you to come out like that before i even add u as my friend well uhh lets think that is why u did not get added Have some damn Respect I am just your average Irish Babe and dont need no pervert on my page.... I have naughty pics for the real men that respect me as a human bein and for the record I love to suck dick for them man that loves me and there is only one that can Love a Bytch such as Myself ~ Irish
Funny Stuff
A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away." The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?" "Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet.. "How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something." The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the tab
Funny Crap At Walmart
Yesterday I was buying 2 large bags of Purina dog chow at Wal-Mart,
Funny Shit....caution!!!!
Funny Story
My flight was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone In a good mood as he served us food and drinks. As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and told us that "Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, so lovely people, if you could just put your trays up, that would be super."
Funny I Guess
glitter-graphics.com
Funny
Funny Stuff
Funnies
She came at night, explored my body, got on top of me, touched me,
Funny Redneck Wanna Be
i was driven down the road to go pick up my daughter and was about to turn onto another road that i usally take butttt
Funnies
Everyone who has a dog calls him rover or boy, I call mine sex.
Funnies
An old nun Who was living in a convent next to a
Funny Or Not U Decide!!!
Wrong Card A new business was opening and one of the owner's friends wanted to send flowers for the occasion. They arrived at the new business site and the owner read the card; it read "Rest in Peace." The owner was angry and called the florist to complain. After he had told the florist of the obvious mistake and how angry he was, the florist said. "Sir, I'm really sorry for the mistake, but rather than getting angry you should imagine this: Somewhere there is a funeral taking place today, and they have flowers with a note saying, 'Congratulations on your new location!!'
Funny Night
free 15 mins with me live on my webcam for new members only + 3d glasses visit me at http://www.titanic-tits.net hi guy s dont mis it I m now offering free 15 mins with mbe on cam for new members only
Funny
If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him? Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground? One
Funny Story
I just found this really fucked up website. I laughed my ass off at what some of these people wrote. I found it all hilarious. It is a church forum board. If you read the different forum topics you discover that they are rascist, misogynistic (hatred of women and girls), and really "dislike" the Mentally Handicapped. Here is a link of one of the forum discussions:http://www.landoverbaptist.net/showthread.php?t=19458This one is asking, "Are showers the women's ride to Satan's arms?" Wow is all I can say. I am amazed at how "close-minded" this group seems. I just found it quite amusing and thought I would share it with the Fu-world.
Funny Vids.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_BayeiME1Fs
Funny Stuff
Funny Ass Review Of A Restaurant!!
I don't really blog alot but when I came across this review of Der Weinerschnitzel I had to post it! Here it is for your enjoyment. It's really funny in my humble opinion :D The review is from Jetta R. from Phoenix, Az.
Funny Stuff On Here
You know what I cant seem to fuckin figure out??Has anyone seen,usually its women,people's pages where they want you to go through so much bullshit just to simply get them to accept your friend request?What the fuck is that about??I mean,gimme afuckin break!!You gotta be kidding me??!What makes 'em even think they're worth doin all that shit for,just to be friends?It's almost
Funny Canadians
Canada VS United States This is an actual radio conversation between a United States Navy aircraft carrier (U.S.S. Abraham Lincoln) and Canadian authorities off the coast off Newfoundland in October 1995. (The radio conversation was released by the Chief of Naval Operations on 10/10/95 as authorized by the Freedom of Information Act.) CANADIANS:Please divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision. AMERICANS:Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision. CANADIANS:Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision. AMERICANS:This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course. CANADIANS:No, I say again, you divert YOUR course. AMERICANS:This is the aircraft carrier USS Lincoln. The second largest ship in the United States Atlantic fleet. We are accompanied by three destroyers, three cruisers, and numerous support vessels. I demand that you change your course15 degr
Funny But True
it seems I have a problem with an old friend again!!they are making fake profiles just 2 put out trash about me and my friends use caution! if u get any messeges about me or u get trash BLOCK THEM!!!(profiles are ht 1 always & bluejays girlfriend IGNORE BOTH.and I am sorry If any 1 of u were offended by them. well let me tell you all I was e-mailin this member back and forth she was getting flirty she requested my friendship I accepted!she also fanned me and I fanned back I also rated her profile an 11 and I rated all her pics 10ns.I even bought her...I get back on and she blocked me!!!SMH thats all I can do.I kind of find it humorous!thanks for reading peace out my friends.... I get asked wild questions about my race,like am I from india or am I a paru indian,also am I mexican? lol.. even aztec!no to all I am native american indian,its kinda hard to explain to people who dont know history,I can do some bird noises ,I can sling an axe yes I do speak very little indian...and no I am not
Funny
This is an evaluation of a person after talking to me for about one hour.. on and off
Funny Stuff
A blind man wanders into an all girls biker bar by mistake.. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee.. After sitting there for awhile, he yells to the waiter, " Hey, you wanna hear a blond joke?" The bar immdiately falls absolutely silent... In a very deep, husky voice the woman next to him says, " Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is only fair --- given that you are blind -- that you should know five things: 1. The bartender is a blond girl with a baseball bat. 2. The boucer is a blond girl. 3. I'm a 6 ft tall, 175lb. Blonde woman with a black belt in karate. 4. The woman sitting next to me is blond and a professional weightlifter.
Funny Shit!!
According To http://www.wabg.com/NEWS05272009_WASHINGTON.htm LOCAL LAW ENFORCEMENT HAS BEEN BUSY WITH SEARCH WARRANTS ARRESTING SUSPECTS ON A VARIETY OF DRUG CHARGES. THROUGH THE EFFORTS OF WASHINGTON COUNTY SHERIFF'S DEPARTMENT'S NARCOTICS DIVISION AND THE GREENVILLE POLICE DEPARTMENT TWO MEN HAVE BEEN ARRESTED AND ANOTHER NOW BEING SOUGHT. FIRST UP WAS A SEARCH ON FRIDAY AT 640 HIBISCUS STREET IN GREENVILLE WHERE THREE OUNCES OF MARIJUANA AND $4,884 IN CASH WAS FOUND. 22-YEAR-OLD JAMES BOYD WAS ARRESTED AT THE RESIDENCE AND CHARGED WITH POSSESSION OF MARIJUANA WITH INTENT TO DISTRIBUTE. HE WAS ARRAIGNED ON TUESDAY AND IS NOW OUT ON A $5,000 BOND. THEN ON TUESDAY, AUTHORITIES EXECUTED A SEARCH WARRANT AT 424 FAIRVIEW STREET IN GREENVILLE AND FOUND A HALF POUND OF MARIJUANA AND $2,133 IN CASH. 22-YEAR-OLD DENNIS SMITH WAS ARRESTED AT THE RESIDENCE AND CHARGED WITH POSSESSION OF MARIJUANA WITH INTENT TO DISTRIBUTE. HE REMAINS IN THE WASHINGTON COUNTY JAIL PENDING AN ARRAIGNMENT HEAR
Funny Saying
A
Funny Flash Games
funny flash games
Funnies
* I'll swallow it all . . . I love the taste. * Are you sure you've had enough to drink? * I'm bored. Let's shave my little kitty, you big lion king! * Oh come on, what do ya say we get a good porno movie, a case of beer, a few joints, and have my friend Tammy over for a threesome! * God..if I don't get to blow you soon, I swear I'm gonna bust! * I know it's a lot tighter back there but would you please try again? * You're so sexy when you're hungover. * I'd rather watch football and drink beer with you than go shopping. * Let's subscribe to Hustler. * Would you like to watch me go down on my girlfriend? * Say, let's go down to the mall so you can check out women's asses. * I'll be out painting the house. * I love it when you play golf on Sunday's, I just wish you had time to play on Saturday too. * Honey, our new neighbor's daughter is nude sunbathing again, come see! * I've decided to stop wearing clothes around the hou
Funny "quotes" With ,,/ Dj Metalface ,,/
I will be posting funny quotes from movies and t.v. shows.. All you gotta do is know who I am quoting! Simple as that. If you think you know who I am quoting the send me a P.M. with who you think i am quoting.
Funny Story
ok funny story: When me and my ex would do standing doggy she would quif. So one night I had been drinking and she starts quifing, so i start to call her Quiffer Sutherland.Looking back I think she may have been retarded because she didnt get it.
Funniez....
My job is so fucking unbelievable. I'll try to sum it up by first telling you about the folks I work with:First, there is this supermodel wanna-be chick. Yeah, okay, she is pretty hot, but damn is she completely useless. The girl is constantly fixing her hair or putting on makeup. She is extremely self-centered and has never once considered the needs or wants of anyone but herself. She is as dumb as a box of rocks, and I still find it surprising that she has enough brain power to continue to breathe.The next chick is completely the opposite. She might even be one of the smartest people on the planet. Her career opportunities are endless, and yet she is here with us. She is a zero on a scale of 1 to 10. I'm not sure she even showers, much less shaves her "womanly" parts. I think she might be a lesbian, because every time we drive by the hardware store, she moans like a cat in heat.But the jewel of the crowd has got to be the fucking stoner. And this guy is more than just your average po
Funny Funny
* I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option. * More often than not, when someone is telling me a story all I can think about is that I can't wait for them to finish so that I can tell my own story that's not only better, but also more directly involves me. * Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong. * I don't understand the purpose of the line, "I=2 0don't need to drink to have fun." Great, no one does. But why start a fire with flint and sticks when they've invented the lighter? * Have you ever been walking down the street and realized that you're going in the complete opposite direction of where you are supposed to be going? But instead of just turning a 180 and walking back in the direction from which you came, you have to first do something like check your watch or phone or make a grand arm gesture and mutter to yourself to ensure that no one in the surrounding area thinks you're crazy by randomly switching directions on
Funny(while Testing The Boob Theory)
Funny Stuffs
This is from a quote database my friend got me hooked on. Evader: nothing beats a caffiene high when reading a good bookEvader: kicks the imagination into overdriveQuixote: I'll bet a light dose of psychedelics would beat a caffeine high.Evader: no, then the vowels would segregate from the union and you'd have an alphabetical civil war on your handsEvader: if you REALLY fuck up, the numbers will come in as peacekeepers and proceed to draw out a year long campaign to 'resolve the conflict' while secretly stealing all the punctuation I became confused when I heard these terms which reference the word 'service'. Internal Revenue 'Service' U.S. Postal 'Service' Telephone 'Service' T.V. 'Service' Civil 'Service' City & County Public 'Service' Customer 'Service' and 'Service' Stations This is not what I thought 'service' meant.
Funnies
Funny As Hell
http://www.fancast.com/tv/Scare-Tactics/9570/1294784885/Ghoul-Bus/videos
Funny Stuff
My niece is soooo cute in this. Some of your favorite Bouncers havin some fun. So...do you think you can dance with the Bouncers in the pale moonlight? This is my G/Fs' cat. It's her first time seeing a christmas tree.
Funny Shit In My Shoutbox:p
This is another prime example of that this morning. My EX room mate whom I havent talked to in months came in my Yahoo today and this is where that ended... James Andersso n: backFREYA: wgFREYA: have the stoer next door?James Andersson: r u doingJames Andersson: nope smal town lolFREYA: eatingJames Andersson: kFREYA: lolFREYA: so what you been up to latelyJames Andersson: mostly dancing.. and workingJames Andersson: u?FREYA: mostly workingJames Andersson: kJames Andersson: so how r the kids doing?FREYA: doing wellFREYA: nessa is home sick but tother then that, they are fineJames Andersson: kJames Andersson: played any new game?FREYA: new COD is pretty cool, and wolfensteinFREYA: played Fallout 3 for a while tooJames Andersson: modernwarfare 2?FREYA: of courseJames Andersson: idiots that made that game..James Andersson: but it funsJames Andersson: itsJames Andersson: talk about old coldwar action lolFREYA: why idiots? cant handle it or what? lolJames Andersson: no bu
Funny Jokes, See More In Stash
1. Sit in your car with sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.
Funny
Scenario 1: Jack goes quail hunting before school and then pulls into the school parking lot with his shotgun in his truck's gun rack. 1959 - Vice Principal comes over, looks at Jack's shotgun, goes to his car and gets his shotgun to show Jack. 2009 - School goes into lock down, FBI called, Jack hauled off to jail and never sees his truck or gun again. Counselors called in for traumatized students and teachers. Scenario 2: Johnny and Mark get into a fist fight after school. 1959 - Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up buddies. 2009 - Police called and SWAT team arrives -- they arrest both Johnny and Mark.. They are both charged them with assault and both expelled even though Johnny started it. Scenario 3: Jeffrey will not be still in class, he disrupts other students. 1959 - Jeffrey sent to the Principal's office and given a good paddling by the Principal He then returns to class, sits still and does not disrupt class again. 2009
Funny
Early Dismissal
Funny
Sit comfortably and be calm. This is a serious test, not a joke.. Put your thinking process aside - i.e. put your brain in neutral gear.
Funny Sh*t
CAKE OR BED A HUSBAND IS AT HOME WATCHING A FOOTBALL GAME WHEN HIS WIFE INTERRUPTS, HONEY, COULD YOU FIX THE LIGHT IN THE HALLWAY? IT'S BEEN FLICKERING FOR WEEKS NOW. HE LOOKS AT HER AND SAYS ANGRILY, FIX THE LIGHTS NOW? DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE GE WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO. FINE, THEN THE WIFE ASKS, WELL THEN, COULD YOU FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR? IT WON'T CLOSE RIGHT TO WHICH HE REPLIED, FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR? DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE WESTINGHOUSE WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO FINE, SHE SAYS THEN YOU COULD AT LEAST FIX THE STEPS TO THE FRONT DOOR? THEY ARE ABOUT TO BREAK I'M NOT A CARPENTER AND I DON'T WANT TO FIX STEPS HE SAYS, DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE ACE HARDWARE WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF YOU. I'M GOING TO THE BAR!!!! SO HE GOES TO THE BAR AND DRINKS FOR A COUPLE OF HOURS............................... HE STARTS TO FEEL GUILTY ABOUT HOW HE TREATED HIS WIFE, AND DECIDES TO GO HOME AS HE WALKS INTO THE HOUSE HE NOTICES THAT THE STEP
Funnies
WHY CONDOMS COME IN BOXES OF 3, 6, AND 12 !!!
Funny Shit
I think Santa Claus is a woman....I hate to be the one to defy a sacred myth, but I believe he's a she. Think about it. Christmas is a big, organized, warm, fuzzy, nurturing social deal, and I have a tough time believing a guy could possibly pull it all off! For starters, the vast majority of men don't even think about selecting gifts until Christmas Eve. Once at the mall, they always seem surprised to find only Ronco products, socket wrench sets, and mood rings left on the shelves. On this count alone, I'm convinced Santa is a woman. Surely, if he were a man, everyone in the universe would wake up Christmas morning to find a rotating musical Chia Pet under the tree, still in the bag. Another problem for a he-Santa would be getting there. First of all, there would be no reindeer because they would all be dead, gutted and strapped to the rear bumper of the sleigh amid wide-eyed, desperate claims that buck season had been extended. Blitzen's rack would already be on the way to the tax
Funny Stuff
'Hong Kong announced on Wednesday that they would be giving away $6000HKD (about $770 USD) to each adult permanent resident in Hong Kong. The government will also be issuing salary tax cuts due to a fiscal surplus for the fiscal year ending on March 31st. This plan of giving out money to almost everyone replaces the plan that they had earlier to give that money to retirement savings accounts. Lawmakers and social groups commented that it is ineffective on low-income groups. The government would waive 75% of salary taxes. It is estimated that there is a surplus of $71.3 billion for this fiscal year.'
Funnies (and How True!!!)
Military vs. Civilian FriendsCIVILIAN FRIENDS: Tell you not to do something stupid when drunk.MILITARY FRIENDS: Will post 360 security so you dont get caught.CIVILIAN FRIENDS: Call your parents Mr. and Mrs. ...... MILITARY FRIENDS: Call your parents mom and dad.CIVILIAN FRIENDS: Hope the night out drinking goes smoothly, and hope that no one is late for the ride home.MILITARY FRIENDS: Know some wild stuff will happen, and set up rally points and an E & E route.CIVILIAN FRIENDS: Bail you out of jail and tell you what you did was wrong.MILITARY FRIENDS: Will be sitting next to you saying, Damn...we f**ked up...but hey, that was fun!"CIVILIAN FRIENDS: Borrow your stuff for a few days then give it back.MILITARY FRIENDS: Steal each other's stuff so often nobody remembers who bought it in the first place.CIVILIAN FRIENDS: Will listen to your relationship problems and hope it works out for you.MILITARY FRIENDS: Will listen to you over a long hard road march, and will help you straighten it ou