darkness personified's blog: "riding into the sunset..."

i sneaked out of the bed while you're sleeping... put on my cloths quietly... i turned and looked at you one more time... then walked out the door...trying hard to stop my tears from falling... the thousand miles journey home is gonna be a long...painful ride... as i locked your gate...i wanted so much to hear you calling out for me to stay... but you're so full of valium to help you sleep because of the pain... i almost wished my bike won't start and needed an excuse to stay... but i kept telling myself to leave...just leave before it's too late... wanted to turn around and run back into your arms...where it feels so right... but i don't wanna complicate your life...nor mine... i cried silent tears...and my heart bleeds...the blood drops turning into dust...red dust stirred up by my wheels... and if you ever change your mind... you'll be able to find... and follow my trial of blood... my trial of blood that'll lead you right to me...to my open arms...

sorry just got carried away...now where was i?....ok... waking up with my heart still aching... aching for your embrace... aching for your warmth... aching for your kiss... i've forgotten to greet the morning sun with a smile... i've forgotten to make a wish on the falling star... i've forgotten to dance in the rain... but i've remembered how to love again... i've remembered how to whisper sweet words in the wind... i've remembered how to laugh beneath the stars... i'm getting used to sleep in your arms... i'm getting used to watch you while you sleep.. i'm getting used to trace your face with my fingers... i think i'm falling... falling helplessly... right now i'm like twirling in big pot of a concoction of emotions... i hate and love these feelings... all i can say is...my heart is in a mess... still there's no regrets... i wouldn't have changed a thing...

waking up with my heart still aching... aching for your embrace... aching for your warmth... aching for your kiss... shit i hate this feeling!!!!!!

well...still stuck in pattaya...parked my bike and the ground was slippery...dropped my bike...broke the case and oil started flowing like nobody's business...so yeah...had to leave it in the workshop again...maybe it's a sign...a sign for the things to come...so yeah i was stuck...had to stay longer than expected...so hung out in my friend's pub as usual...that's when i met tommy... he's with some of my biker friends and our eyes met...somehow it's a mutual attraction...we started talking and i felt the chemistry...asked if he had a gf and he anwered not sure and i left it as that...later while i was talking to some friends...he came over and said infact...he had a girlfriend...i wondered why...was he afraid i'd lost interest in him if he told me right away that he had one?? anyway...i knew our paths will meet again... second night...i went on a date with him 'coz we had such good laughs together...and i thought it's just harmless fun...well i've already broken rules no. 1 & 2...never date a biker...never date someone who's already taken... we had such fun...both goofy and we laughed and talked and just goof around...after spending the night in the pubs in the walking street in pattaya...we went back to my friend's pub...and continued drinking...all my friends gave me the funny look 'coz they knew my rules... :( they've never seen me on a date before...and some of them thought i was a dike anyway... most of them approved somehow...and some are jealous...the first biker man i went out with... as the night was almost over...we didn't wanna part...so i asked if he'd like to spend the night with me and he said yes... we made sweet love...and my heart melted...broke rule no.3...love them and leave them...we both admitted we broke all the rules...mine and his...made another mistake by staying on when i should be leaving...guess i hadn't felt that way in a long time...being safe and happy in someone's arms...going to bed and waking up in two strong arms...i felt good...he made me feel like a woman...if you knew me well...you'd understand why i said woman...no...i'm not gay...he made me felt loved and wanted...but could this be love?? he showed me off to all his friends...and mine too lol...and i've never been touched in my heart like this in such a long time... two nights later he had an accident...and i blamed myself...we're in a pub when his friend asked him to join some other friends in another pub...told me it'll be an hour...when he came back to get me...a car hit his bike and ran away...he called me from the hospital and first thing i did was cried in his arms while he lay there getting his wounds cleaned and dressed...i hadn't cried for a man in such a long time..i guess i knew then i felt more than i thought...i was falling... somehow...he's not good with words...and i never knew what he really felt... i wished i'd know for sure...guess he had to clear the mess in his head before he could let me know...but i'm not staying to wait for an answer...so yeah i decided to leave before it's too late...and if he'd asked me to stay...i would have...but he didn't... the night before i left...he was so heavily drugged...i was just laying there watching him sleeping...touched his face so gently...kissing his eyes...his nose...his lips...i knew i'm heading for a heartbreak...i sneaked out of bed when the time came...he opened his eyes and told me to take care and dozed right off...i blamed the drugs...but was i certain?? i told myself i'd feel better when i hit the road...the freedom i felt on my bike on the road...i kept telling myself i'll feel better...a romantic notiion...riding into the sunset...with bugs in my teeth...dirt in my hair...tears in my eyes...just riding into the sunset...but let me tell you something..that's alot of crap...it still hurts a hell of a lot!!! still i'd like to think it's romantic...me and my bike...riding into the sunset.. at least i'd loved for a few days...what more could i ask??? dream as if i'll live forever...live as if i'll die tomorrow... yeah so here i am...riding into the sunset...

i woke up this morning with a smile... love has been unkind to me...sometimes.... but it has been kind to me ...most of the times... just realized i've been hurting by a love that i don't even know if it's there... weighed down by something full of maybes and what ifs... since when did i turn into a whiny gutless bitch?... haven't felt this good since my pattaya ordeal... meeting you was great and we had a good time... i let my heart took over my head...let my guard down... i guess all these years of loneliness...even if it's by choice...really messed up my mind... it did scare me...thinking of you....missing you... but now i'll do it fondly... i'll remember you with all the sweetness of the blossoms in may... with the warmth of the summer rain... i'll remember you with a smile...not with sadness... so long...tommy baby...i've loved you....with no regrets... remember....dream as if you'll live forever.... live as if you'll die tomorrow.... now i'll gladly ride into the sunset...but this time... i'll ride with the freedom of an eagle when she flies....

decided to ride with some biker brothers from pattaya on the way back...then things started going wrong...they were travelling real slow since most of them are on custom bikes they called "springer"...so called maybe because their fronts tyres are always bouncing off the road lol...i don't know...never asked...they had to stopped every 40miles or so for refuel since they have such small tanks!! and i travelled only about 300miles for the whole afternoon...one thing you have to understand about thai bikers...they like to take it slow and easy...stopping everynow and then to eat...rest and chat!! as for me i'd rather go fast and relax after i reach my destination lol...maybe i should slow down and breathe in the scenary... someone's riding an intruder like mine and he seemed to have alot of problem ...and he asked if i have problem with my clutch and i said no...guess what??? next thing i knew??? the clutch gave me trouble!!! talking about being contageous!! if it's possible!!! anyway...after leaving the gas station...the guy infront dropped his glasses...so i stopped to pick it up...and that's when my engine won't start and the clutch failed...and the guys didn't even noticed!!! so yeah...managed to start after a few minutes and tried to catch up...and of course i didn't know where they're heading...but just rode on...and again lady luck was on my side...seemed i was on the right track...caught up with them about an hour later!!! well...the rest of the journey to pattaya seemed alright after that... had to leave my bike in the workshop...go get the leak fixed... well picked the bike up the day after...and noticed someother minor things...changed the back tyre...went back the next day 'coz it was still leaking...so spend the day in the workshop and night in my friend's pub... well things seemed to go wrong...again and again...that's another story...

left penang about 6am on dec 8th...it's about 1000miles to my destination...chiangmai in thailand...first trouble...well...the last refill station was closed for certain reason so thought i had enough to get to the next one and guess what?? tank was empty about a mile from the next one!!! so was stuck in a dark stretch of the road and noone's stopping!!! had to push about half a mile :(...and waiting till dawn broke...finally someone stopped and helped...so yeah...the first hiccup.... continued to the border about 120miles away...well give or take lol...stopped at the usual border town and get my money changed...when i climbed back on the bike and started the bike...smoke came out from under my seat....heh...i had worst days...had no tool...i know i know...but my saddle bags were full of my clothes...:p ...borrowed a screw driver and removed the seat...and found the short circuited culprit...nothing some insulatiion tapes can't fix...so fixed that and got on my way...so yeah...hiccup no.2... crossed the border and i've already wasted a few hours for the 2 hiccups...fat chance of arriving there before it's too dark...anyway...me and my iron horse continued on... well the day flew past and i felt likei'm having a permanent weggie in my butt!!! yep!!! carpet burn lol...but it wasn't funny then... then i took the wrong turn near on the outskirt of bangkok!!! they really need to learn how to label their roads properly...heh...me and roadsigns are not the best of buddies...had to call a friend to ask for direction...should have known better than to ask passer-bys...they seemed to have a wicked sense of humour...pointing me to everywhere but the right directions...so yeah...after a few rounds around the mulburry bush...i got back on track... well...then the petrol started flowing out like nobody's business and i was thinking...."oh no...not the carb overflowing!!!" again...kicking myself for bring too much clothes and stuffs and not the tools!!! well....again in the dark and don't even know where i was!!! had to wait awhile before i could flagged someone down...luckily he has screwdriver and plier...anyway...remove the seat...the tank...luckily it's the tube...and it broke at the beginning so yeah...seemed someone was smiling at me from somewhere up there...heh...yup!!! made a clean cut and push the tube back on and clamped it tight...could have been worse...thanked the guy and offered to buy the screwdriver and a spanner from him but he said no and gave them to me for free!!! wow...guess lady luck was smiling!! a really nice guy!!! and he doesn't speak a word of english!!! ;p...and that's hiccup no.3... wasted too much time...but at least i could continue with my journey...well by then i've already been more than 15hrs on the road...continued riding anyway...in the dark...well continue for a few more hundred miles and stopped for the night...'cos my friend told me the road ahead isn't good and it's safer to ride in daylight...so hell...checked into a motel and slept like a log...considering i hadn't slept the night before i started the ride... woke up all fresh...another 400miles or so before i reach chiangmai...about halfway through...was stopped by traffic police...told me i'd passed a right light...bs!!! i knew they tried to get some money out of me...heh...fat chance...pretended not to understand thai...so they let me go lol...this time the ride was pretty smooth...and reached chiangmai in one big chunk lol...so yeah end of the first journey...

a chance encounter...our eyes met... your warm smile shone through... the chilly december night... i know...somehow...our paths will cross again... don't know when it started...& it doesn't matter anyhow... walking beside you...bonding without touching... we frolicked like two children... & were lost in times recaptured... i broke all my own rules...justifying my feelings... i know not where this path would lead me... be it heaven or hell... i am not scared...just let my desires break free... i won't and can't promise you tomorrow... but i can promise you today...and i'll love you as if it's my last day on earth... whatever it is...i won't play mind games... i am as i am...i am whom i am...as naked as i stand before you... thank you...for unlocking the door to a long forgotten feeling... thank you...for bringing out the woman in me... thank you...for telling no lies... but most of all...thank you...for loving me...even if it's only for a day... dream as if you'll live forever... live as is you'll die tomorrow... that's the rules we live by... i hate to go...but i have no choice... staying or going...won't make any difference... i guess your heart will always be with someone else... i know i'm trying to be strong...and i believe i will feel better when i ride the 1000miles home... singing: bugs in my teeth...dirt in my hair... rain on my face ...tears in my eyes... it doesn't matter if i'm stuck...in the middle of nowhere... don't worry....be happy... so yeah i'm riding into the sunset... but my heart still hurts like hell.... i'll remember you...for a long...long time...