re sweetbluevixen's blog: "re's ramblings and thoughts"

this past week my beautiful daughter Arielle aka rellexia turned 16 this beautiful heart is so loved by her friends and teachers it started last week when she was inducted into the national Art Honor Society what a honor for both of us her teachers complimented and honored me by saying I did a good job in raising such a wonderful talented expressive person. On her birthday Her teachers gave her a surprise Sweet 16 attended by her closest friends and around 50 teachers she was overwhelmed and very happy by this but inside I felt cheated because I couldn't give this to her due to my current situation but still my heart is swelled because even though things aren't going right my child is happy and when she's happy all the bad stuff melts away and is forgotten. To end this day her wonderful teacher took her to get a beautiful hair cut because the month before she donated her golden brown hair for the second time to locks of love. now she has a beautiful stacked bob and is now dyed black. Saturday her uncle and I took her and 5 of her friends to lunch at the cheesecake factory and we had a great day to meet and talk to her friends and they are great kids. they later walked thru the mall went to the carnival and the movies and gathered at her friend Mikes house to just hang and play video games. My daughter has a new expression that fits this week of happiness and much love. It was a " MEGA AWESOME" time had for all of us, it was for a MEGA AWESOME person my love, my daughter.

well i called my lawyer and going thru with a power of atty so we can take steps to throw out the deadbeat brother plus if he doesn't go to family court thursday i have leverage to get him out of this house now i have to get rolling on the reverse morgage to fix this dump and pay all the bills he caused in the last 2 years as soon as that is done i can put my mother in daycare and i can finally get a job and a car without all the stress i am dealing with now. I am looking for some peace in my life and i am doing my best to find it and go on with MY life which is at a complete standstill as i said i'm a fighter and don't back down i may feel defeated at times but i will keep fighting.

I feel sad all the time now I've shut myself down.I want to sleep all the time now.because life seems so much better there. A world where I have plenty of money to have a home and help other people I care for. right now I sit here hungry because I have very little food in the house and my mother who has dementia is always hungry acuses me of not feeding her and we waited all weekend for my deadbeat brother to come home with his rent money and he informs us he has none because he spent it on his girl and we have to wait til friday.he's 46 yrs old lived here free spents his money on his race car booze and drugs he's gotten away with this for 15 years. my youngest brother and I have always supported my mother and her home paid the bills fixed things you name it we worked hard. now im told i can't go back to work til we get nursing care which is hard we owe the nursing home nine hundred dollars the social service system sucks. I'm caught in a catch 22 situation. MY mother is a mean bitch to begin with makes my life a living hell makes me feel like shit every chance she can. I started taking anti-depessants to help my nerves. I am trying all the avenues to get out of this mess. to gain my self worth back my world is so shattered I don't know who to turn to anymore this house is not a home is hell. I hAVE TO WATCH THIS WOMEN 24 7 she wanders this weekend some woman drove up to my house found her sitting on the side of the road.I got to keep her out of the kitchen to keep her from eating continuly or turning on the stove I gained 30 pound just from the stress the meds will help hopefully in a month but what am i going to do about dinner pantrys i know i can't get to them because they are too far i don't have a car and i have no money for the bus. I'm at a point now of begging for money from friends and relatives. to top it off to make me feel like shit my daughters birthday is wednesday some sweet 16 this is for her i can't even make a cake thank-god for her teachers they are wonderful to her a very loved kid and you know that rose i have on my page that picture helped her get into the national art honor society I love her to death and i can't be the mother i promiced to be. I completely shut myself down I don't date anymore I hardly call my friends. I'm lonely inside but i don't want anyone to see me like this I was a proud self assured person but I lost her my family especially my mother sucked her out of me I become a sad desperate needy thing. who is begging for attention. I don't trust anyone because I'm afraid to be used because i am so desperate so in need because i've been there and that hurts I can't use people or else I would have crawled to relatives for help. My relatives abandoned us along time ago because of my mother and her bitterness. I have no one left to turn to. I know I'm putting to much pressure on myself. I was always trying to please everyone and now I've become angry inside and outside defensive what am I suppose to do, pray I'm all out the more I pray the more pain I feel what did I do in life to receive this what did I do so wrong. I would never take my life i've lost 2 brothers to suicide and recently a cousin, but sometimes the thoughts are there fleeting but they are there. I can't run away from this place i did for 2 years but I cameback the lesser of 2 evils being homeless again no I've been thru that already social services no can't put myself thru that again leave I want to so badly but I can't I need some hope i still believe there is hope some light at the end of this.

3 weeks ago i was exposed to poison ivy and had it all over was on steroids and i was raking yesterday and guress what and the sick thing i didn't touch it and to top it off i wore gloves and and protected myself and now my eye is swollen and i have a patch on my arm here I go again. its bad enuff right nowi've become a shut in and am stuck with my demented mother i feel so closed off enuff already

something just hit a nerve the fact that if your on welfare your lazy it was so true many years ago but i was on it i would take a million random urine tests than relive my experience with the department of social services in New york where the average wage is $8.50 an hour to start you wonder why there are so many forclosures and 2 family households, rents in 2006 are the same as what my morgage was 10 yrs ago between 1200.-1600. a month you wonder why people have to work 2 jobs and most still live with their parents who can afford a house here average 390k so when i divorced lost my home and soon my once secure job i held for 24 years i became homeless,and unemployed oh yeah i can get a job at walmart well guess what not that easy and twice as hard when you limit your hours to days because you can't afford your car and that gets repo'd and can only work when the buses run and honey on long Island they don't run all night and every 15 min like the city they run 7 am to 7 pm 6 days a week hourly runs.try standing on the side of the road for 1 hour with a six degree wind chill one day. well you think people sit on their asses and get welfare handed to them so wrong sit and watch how many people are in urgent need good people walk out of there in tears, are sent to welfare hotels that are so dangerous and dirty that drug dealers and prostitutes are right in the next room. and before you get a so called check it takes 3 to 6 months of running back and forth to that office asking for more paperwork and god forbid you lost a bank statement or paystub they will deny you and you start all over agiain meanwhile all that time you are reporting to welfare i could not look for a job food stamps thats a joke you could not feed a dog on what they give you so go to the pantrys yea if you can find one open near a bus route. welfare today is so demeaning and robs you of your soul i spent almost a year and half on it and couldn't take it any more they sanction you for even trying to work or have any money to pay your rent on your own to put fruit or vegtables on the table instean of mac and cheese and tuna you eat 4 days week to stretch 90 dollars amonth and work fare to pay for your grant what a joke they still owe me the money i earned working and paying my own transportation that was the last straw i got fed up moved in with my mother who hates me and my child who verbaly abuses me and my daughter she my have demitia but she means every insult she slings i still have medicaid only because my daughter is a minor even that i hate receiving and i it took me friday 4 hours to travel to the medicaid office i went during a snow storm i got there too late the doors were closed. I also came home because my brother works 2 jobs to support her couldn't take care of her anymore alone so im stuck watching a woman that hates me I'm looking for work to get me the hell out of here i look everywhere but i can only leave the house for alittle while and when my brother can give me bus fare. look i feel bad enough don't make me feel any worse everything my daughter wears was given to her by the school thank-god in a way but i should be providing for her not school her teachers or the state. ME i feel worthless all the time everyday I pray to God to give me strength to not cry put a smile on my face and carry on if nothing is wrong and believe things will get better i will get a job I will be loved again I will be able to celebrate life again and my daughter dreams are fulfilled i will not become bitter and angry and dream every night of a better tomorrow I try not to cry anymore it doesn't solve what is now. I fight everyday for my happiness and find my joy in my childs eyes

yesterday I got a message on myspace from a girl who used to be friends with my daughter when she was 5 and 6 and now my daughter is the kid she makes fun of I told my daughter about it and she told me to delete it I couldn't because as a parent I felt it my right that Iwanted to defend her my response was this yes I remember you from you were 5 and 6 and you were my childs friend and from what my daughter has said you've been lessthan kind to her and to let her know I would not add her knowing she would use whatever info against her like that I'm on My space wellI'm on myspace really at my duaghters urging and so I can keep an eye on what content is on her page but I had to respond that my daughter is the same lovely child that she was than and is now was I wrong? while I was there i made contact with a girl i knew in highschool on the alumni page but I'm not sure I have anything in common to much with my age group because I don't feel my age I am not a grandmother and Istill see myself as young but my 30th reunion is next year I in away would love to see these people I have run into a few over the years by accident but for me unlike my daughter it was painful and very lonely time should I go back. In the last couple of years when I go shopping I have this need to buy a little black dress Its become a obsession and a need to have one why I can't understand why now I had some black dresses in my past but i wore them once because one they were cheap and i wore black because i was fat but this is different I want a good littleblack dress a classy one to wear for dates and occasions. I haven't found it yet but I always look. another obession I have is this guy from my long and recent past i think of him often and can't seem to shake it never have his name is Micheal " pazuzu" hawkins. I loved him and was hurt deeply by him but evry so often he remains a ghost that seems to haunt me. just random musings today that i can't seem to pop in today oh well

the past couple of weeks I've really tryed to consentrate on getting a job because I've felt so useless watching my crazy mother its a stressfull situation i can't handle sometimes plus the fact I'm broke and have to beg for money from my brother to even buy a pack of cigarettes which since i was about to quit but i moved back home and my mother raises my stress level plus I'm bored to death being here. MY self worth sometimes is a all time low but every morning when I get up I try to smile and stop by cherry to see if anyone left a comment to brighten my day. i check monster everyday to see if a new job opened up and see if someone looked at my resume. I went on 3 interviews this week all I left with a chance maybe someone will hire me. i have so much to offer a employer but it always seems i don't have the right skills or the something they want. Meeting people and going on dates is like a interview. In the past week I've gone on 5 of those and again I believe I have alot to offer I have the experience and some good skills in hopes I get to see this person again some I knew wouldn't be a good fit but still in all I wanted to leave a good impression and show I'm more than just another girl some got to test me out and relieve some tenion some was just a cup of coffee and conversation. 2 even gave 2nd interviews but I've haven't heard back on those yet but I have my hopes up that maybe I will go for a third but I'm trying not pushing it. i look at both that least I have some potential and raises my self esteem but also at the same time I feel I'm standing in a void and all I have to do is just wait. I'm not good at waiting.I'm impatient and like attention and when the attention isn't there its a let down. the sadness returns. the big difference between the job and the date is that i am more than ready to go to work I need to feel human again to earn money to pay my bills take responsibility for myself and child not rely on my brother or family. Dating and getting a boyfriend I'm really not sure anyone would want me I have debts and problems I really don't want to burden them with what is my responsibility to take care of nor would I want them too, on the other hand I would like someone to take interest in me other than just sex I want to be taken seriously and be taken out show me some fun. Go hiking and do something they like to do. take me out really out not to a resturant as a prelem to having sex really its boring and so predictable. believe I am jealous when i see women get what I so long for and what I don't get is what I am doing so wrong or what makes me so unlovable. i've been fed so many things most would say is positive but when I hear it sometimes I feel its all bull just a way to get what they want and when done go on to the next foolish lady. I ignore words sexy hot babe come on I'm 47 going on 48 in june and not slim or in great shape I'm average I know that. but I feel beautiful empowered and smart. I like words that have a better fit to me intregeging, interesting. I lived a varied life I have so much knowledge and interests I built a car, I've traveled alittle, read alot, rode horses most of my life, raced cars, I had 4 brothers so i played sports, I know alittle about everything,and anything. I would like some feed back give me your opinions and tell me what I so need to know i'm still walking around blindly and have no clue.

Monday when I had My horrible day I called my best friend Celine.We've been friends for 25 years. The two of us been through alot and Done alot in those years I don't discuss politics and religon. Well the religon thing came up. let me say one thing i was born and raised Catholic. I no longer follow my faith but still consider my self Catholic because thats the religon I gave my child thats the religon I married in and that is the faith that will be listed when I die. through the years I have learned about the other religons that make up this world. I even experienced being a born again christian but something about it didn't seem right to me. the same reasons that make me uneasy about my own religon I didn't feel comfortable with its teachings, their interpretations of the bible. The born agains literately told me i had to give up all my beliefs that were doctrined to me since i was very young that was all wrong and I had to accept Jesus and only jesus is worshiped because he died for me and his father this creator GOD was no longer important and all the saints and apostles were no longer important only the word of jesus but what gave me a pause that jesus never wrote a word but, words written and interpretated by those apostles so secondary to these preachers how do I know if I should trust my faith in these people I don't totally trust the teachings of the Catholic Church. so I explored and compared through the years different teachings never following any till I was sure of what I believed. In recent years something became very clear to me. these words ASHES to ASHES Dust to DUST. Also relavations about Mary Magdeline,and my recent interest in Wicca and my connection to this earth , the water. You see my wish is when i die I want no service,no viewing no burial. I want to cremated the same day I die. My wishes are to spread my ashes in the ocean on the day of my birth. this is my wish to have no religous service to be said only words is to say goodbye. i believe my soul will live on. but my belief I am part of the earth. this is my belief alittle of my Catholic I believe in god he lives within me and angels/spirts guide me. Nature both of the wicca and native american beliefs. I believe that like the moon and tides rule my body and women not men should guide and teach about what religon is about because we are the bearers of the life that goes on and are the teachers. Most will disagree but this is what I believe If you really really read most religons are Matriarchial, mother earth, Native american and celtic,wicca even in jewish law if the mother of a child is Jewish the child is to raised Jewish regardless of the fathers religon. I've given this alot of thought and everytime I want to talk to God I go to a quiet contentplative place a beach, a wooded trail and discuss what i want talk to God about and my prayers there i find these places my church, my temple the places I find my peace and all my answers to life in the wind rain sun stars and clouds but mostly I find it within my heart and myself. sometimes i get little subtle signs that they were listened too or i will find the answers in the most little ways presented to me. I was told many years ago to believe that God exists you have to believe you exist. I believe in MYSELF and only I chose in what I and only I believe. this is what I need to say to my friend I love her very much but to impose what she believes on to me is wrong she means well but is still wrong to try to convert me into something i will never hold true only to make her like me or to accept me is wrong i fear this will divide us I hope she understands. So, my prayers are for her to understand and to accept this difference.

yesterday was the first day in a week i made it out the door i spent pretty much last week sick and angry alot shit was going down we finally got oil to heat the house my mother has dementia and is just moping around feeling sorry for herself fell out of bed three times messing herself and wouldn't help herself i was getting pissed because i know most of the time its a pity issue and she could snap herself out of it I lived this with my grandmother and both are pretty much the same manipulative and growing up i knew this of both both where needy most of the time but they are strong willed and me not much different but i'm more independent had to be no body ever treated me as if i can't I pretty much was treated the same as a boy and un like my gram and mother i was the oldest and since 11 had to grow up pretty dam fast i became a full time caretaker of the house and serogate mother to my youngest brother so i never was involved in teen life i never dated or hung out time away from my family ment reading and long lonely walks not dances and dates once i graduated that didn't end i was still pretty much cook parent and had to do things on my own with out support I worked and took care of what ever was needed all i longed for was love to be loved and wanted by someone. now i rambling so back to the main reason of this little rant, Yesterday i had a Job interview i got the call last week when all the Chaos started amid the mother falling out of bed exhaustion and the fact to dickhead middle brothers stupidity i looked out the door seeing 3 law enforcement agencies surrounding my house lovely huh,i had suffolk and nassau police and US marshalls dam were going to lose the house i got a sick kid and a sick mother in the house and the dickhead and his friends again did something to bring problems to our home and gueass what one of the jackasses was either sellling drugs orstole something and it was the latter one of the jerks stole a car with gps and drove it here lovely and the jerk was a felon and guess what he was sleeping in our garage i ended up signing a affadavit saying no body in the household knew anything about this i get a call for a temp job which i had to turn down and on valentines i was starting to get sick i get a call out of the blue about a job interview hooray a real job i was exicted but getting sick real sick i felt as if my head was just going to blow up i turned down a date fever was bad house cold and weather was bad but i stayed in bed 4 days sweated the fever and felt better by morning but everything went wrong my briefcase went mia my backup disk failed no resume and i needed it for the interview not only that my work clothes didn't fit i gained 18 pounds since moving back home plus though it was sunny it was 6 degrees outside i called my temp agency to fax a copy to my interviewer guess what it never showed i was fucked but i had to use my head i dressed very classy and had the right look i wanted i stayed calm and kept saying to my self i am a smart confident woman and i can do this. the only thing i apoligized for was the lost resume i was firm and in control and left with a hope that they will call me back but i missed my bus by two minutes and another hour before the next one came i was freezing and windy i was mad inside from what happened but i was calm and not feeling well 20 minutes of freezing cursing myself i heard something telling me to turn around i did and i saw a truck familiar blue i thought to myself GOD no please and it was my ex lover the MAn who hurt me a man who for 3 years used me the man i stupidly loved i wanted to die but he saw me as he passed in his warm truck he slumped down covered his face not to look at me drove right by i felt hurt pain humuliation i am nothing to him i am nothing no feelings no pity for me nothing i still feel love for him but until that moment the hurt was less but the fuck never even waved or stopped just pretented i wasn't there i was nothing more than shit to him . all i could do was cry the tears came the pain was deep all i wanted to do was lash out i screamed YOU FUCK. Why does matter he's nothing his ex wife 2 of his daughters his family hate him he treated them just like me WHY DO I CARE ?????????? I do I'm foolish and my heart still beats for him there the scar will never heal I'm better today but the anger dwells deep i want to hurt him and humuliate him as much as he did to me why do i still feel for him i will never understand i was kind and giving tender and listened to him looked to him for that in return but it was a act and fake why would someone do this to me

ever since i was young being the oldest and only girl put in a position of certain powers and responsiblies that i really did not want or need i wanted my freedom and do whatever i pleased but that never came everytime i tried to walk outside the box something or someone pulled me back in as if this powerful magnet wouldn't let me stray too far. i grew up in a family where my mother who took care of 4 children a husband who cheated and drank a widowed grandmother who had moments of dementia and clarity and it was too much for my family to take sometimes so they put her in a nursing home my mom could not handle the children let alone and aging mother so as i got older i had to keep an eye on grandma when she was home and 3younger brothers as gram got worse more and more gram stayed in the nursing homes shuffled from one to another and with a 5 th child in a already strained marriage didn't help i was old enough to help in caring for him to my parents he was just another kid by then i understood also my parents marriage was one sided and my mother not smart enough to realize this or other matters all she cared about was my father lied about her never having to work and that he never loved her he finally told my mom that the day they buried my grandmother by than it was too late and my other gram was getting ill and again i had to split my time caring for my brothers and the house school was just a place to spend away from the chaos i began to shut down i spent less time with friends and more being a care giver outside my family i didn't have anyone to talk too so i went into therapy i had no peers any more no outside freedoms i took my baby brother everywhere mom worked dad screwed around than he finally gets a job in my senior year as a custodian i split my time now careing for my other grandmother who was dying not only that my father had his first heart attack so i gave up plans of ever going to college after graduation so i work care for my family til i finally start going out at 20 very innocent, trusting, shy and very needy of affection i grew up so isolated in a grown-up world i didn't know about men sex or love no one showed me told me the difference so i became so wild and sought situations i had no control over and was used over and over til i shut down again closed my world again my dad hated my mother my family fell apart my brother was killed and the question was it suicide? my father would verbally beat down all my brothers and all but my youngest brother had drug and or alcohol problems. by than i reconized this also in my self with me it was sex to numb the inner loneliness and pain. Shuting down was a protection from the depression and the fact that i felt trapped being unable to exscape my family every time i try to they pulled me back maybe i needed them but i wanted out by time my 2nd brother commited suicide that i had enough i left i lived on my own but i would still run home because my father could no longer care for himself and my mother could no longer handle him he would drink not eat for days pass out and resent my my mother even though i hated my father i felt i still had a duty to help my family but i also wanted a life of my own i was in love with someone who didn't love me i would always check again and again but i knew it wasn't real but all my attempts at finding real love failed someone would try but it was always one way they would become obsessed i'd run away or i would start to love someone and they didn't love me therapy became a way of life but not a answer to my many problems dealing and going forward i would start something only to end it because my mother or a family member believed it was a waste of time my strenght though this was my best friend she taught me so much about my self i never knew exsisted but she had her own demons to deal with and walked away because i couldn't handle what was happening to me when my dad died i made the biggest mistake of my life i moved back home i had a choice i made the wrong one i could have left completely but again my mother needed my help and the fool i was gave everything i had back to her. I lost myself again i quit school a second time i gave up i lost myself and got pregnant this time i kept it believing i would never really have a life outside my family r ever be in love again or anyone loving me i devoted my life to my baby i got fat felt ugly and than one day met and married a man i never loved but thought would give me a new life but after i married my mother became strange in behavior and very sick in health i too started to get very ill i got fatter and sicker too my mind was going i worked hard to be a good wife mother daughter i worked in a place i hated more and more but i gave my all to everything till one by one things fell to pieces my marriage was a lie i was used and my mother blamed me and when i left my husband i was the one who didn't try hard enough. i tryed to please her and help her little by little i getting more and more depressed my job ended i tried a third time to go back to school it was going so well i began to see some light i was in a affair which brought me back to life made me feel beautiful sexy and smart but it was getting worse at home my mom began to verbally abuse me and my daughter to the point of i feared my daughters mental health but no matter what i did to please my mother the more hateful she became i did not realize how sick her mind was all i knew i did the best i could and could take no more by than i had nothing going as far a a real job i was more concerned about finishing school and my child i was at a point of killing my mother i couldn't handle it i put myself in the hospital to keep me from killing her i left that day and went into a homeless shelter to save my life and the next 6 months was hard i reconnected with the love of my life hoping for it to work out it didn't i had to quit school i gave up everything to start again i did for 2 years still not working but i went back because again my family needs me but now this time i know what is wrong my mother has dementia and she has no choice but to accept my help but i feel like i will never get off this merrygoround till it is my turn to lose my mind become unable to care for myself. I am so afraid i will have this awful disease if i don't make changes in my life. i don't want to be alone. i want to love and be loved.I have read some of the causes of dementia and my chances are good but I also am making healthy choices not to get it i write i keep my mind active and my body sound but is it enough i try not to let my depression take my life over and i am kind to everyone even to the people who have hurt me i believe and hope that all that is happening a test to better life around the corner. you may ask why did i write this? its because i need to exerise the demons and release them to the either so they can't hurt me anymore and sometimes its just to get it out of the way so i can go on. i know there are horrible things worse than what i gone though but this is my little horror and a fear my child will have to care for me when or if happens to me i hope and pray it won't but if it does she knows more about it and can cope better than i am it hurts me deeply that this never ends for me iknow running away and dreaming doesn't change things but i know i am trying to look for solutions to my problems and the current issues that are concerning is am i doomed to become my mother or am i going to be free one day to have a life of my own will i be loved and am i able to find love happiness be able to find success and a real purpose to a life so stunted by failure and loss