Fatal Angel's blog: "Ramblings of an Angel"

Journal daily....embed the emotions into the parchment and ink so that it becomes a testimony rather than baggage. God I love that quote...something I need to remember more often to do. It sorta goes along with this another of my favorite quotes. You can be so much more than you believe. Let your creativity expand without trying to limit it. Let your emotions rise and fall of their own accord without reacting to them. Learn to move with the cosmic flow. Let your emotions rise and fall of their own accord without reacting to them. Wow I like that line ... and I understand it. Now it is just learning to enact that principle. I think its just a matter of remembering that sentence at first eventually it becomes a learned response because I start to live it. So that is my new goal to learn to let my emotions rise and fall as they will and not react. Like sometimes I wonder if I'll ever do anything right. I mean I'm stuck in this shitty marriage until I can get my pharm tech degree and on my feet...*sighs* and even once I'm out of it I wonder if I'll ever be worth loving or if I'm destined to be alone and a screw up for the rest of my life. And I thought I'd found someone but then he turns the tables and becomes so cold and emotionless all of a sudden which only leads me back to confused. Maybe I should look forward to being alone once the divorce is over and live for that. I dunno it's late I'm sad and rambling and it seems that I won't tap into me and let everything else out so maybe I'll just go for now. Besides anything else would be me not trying to let my emotions rise and fall and NOT react. ~Ciao~

"Journal daily....embed the emotions into the parchment and ink so that it becomes a testimony rather than baggage." I saw that on someone's web site and I really liked it and it makes a lot of sense. So I thought about it a bit and decided that I really should try and adhere to that ... or at least update this journal since its been awhile. Since I never know where to start I'm just going to pick a place and start so this will end up the usual jumbled assortment of my thoughts. Have a little faith...that is so hard sometimes ...especially when I've been conditioned to believe that the sky is constantly falling on me...and usually it is. I did come across a song and some of the lyrics were those wow lyrics... Oh but dont bowl me over Just wait a minute well it kinda fell apart, things get so Crazy, crazy Crazy..theres a word I know a lot about : crazy: Adjective Inflected forms: crazier, craziest 1. Affected with madness; insane. 2. Informal Departing from proportion or moderation Sometimes I can't help but wonder if I am crazy, my head's not always clear and it gets confused..but somewhere in there I always know I'm not...at least not clinically. Because I always know somewhere inside of me that I'm not even when its all crashing down around me and I am cracking..I know I won't crack. Ok so that is on my sane days on the days I've driven myself to insanity and those around me to the point of insanity I consider just caving in...giving in to it all whatever that entails. Im not crazy I'm just a little lost right now..can't see the answers through the haze. I've got to face change and not be so afraid of it...maybe if I could accomplish that I wouldn't feel so lost. I'm looking for the easy answer to a complicated question. I know I've got to have faith..faith that things can be happy and faith that someone will love me ..and I'm trying to I'm still figuring out how this all works. If I'm honest I love someone but I think he stopped loving me. That hurts especially when they promised they would never hurt me and would always be honest. It makes me wonder what is wrong with me and what I did so wrong ... It's a confusing thing considering I havent' even gotten my divorce finalized yet. But the marriage has been over for so damn long I can't even remember it being normal. Jess really wants me to move to Colorado when things are all settled here. I'm really thinking about it..there is more to here than this little corner of the world. I dunno I think I'll end this now and just add more when the mood to write hits again. Thats what's nice about a blog... you can always come back

Don't you just hate it when things peg you... SUN IN SCORPIO Control is the main ingredient in life for you. You are strong-willed, thorough, passionate and powerful. You are courageous and completely willing to go it alone when necessary. You tend to have a rather serious outlook on life, always probing, looking for the depths. Your life becomes more meaningful when you learn to be truly forgiving, when you control your sexual nature without repressing it. Strive to overcome envy, jealousy and possessiveness. Your intense, all or nothing attitude is very useful under some circumstances but all of life is not a battlefield. You turn that force to a high channel at some time in life and the search for meaning becomes a spiritual quest. MERCURY IN SAGITTARIUS Your mind naturally moves toward the big picture. You are always looking "over the hills and far away". You are independent in thought while honestly thinking that you are the mainstream standard of life. You think you are "telling it like it is" but the truth of the matter is you are telling it like "it ought to be". There is a moralizing, impulsive and propagating side of whatever you assert. You usually miss details that others feel important, but the breadth of your vision and the joy and lightheartedness of your attitude encourages people to be open to what you say. When you adjust to new circumstances in life, you do so briefly, always holding onto the picture of how things should be. Your vision improves when you are able to face how things really are without discarding your values. Leigh, your destiny is to be a Provider Whether you know it or not, this is the role that is most in tune with who you are at your core. As a Provider, you have a genuine nurturing concern for the welfare of others and you're eager to serve them. You can recognize exactly what people need and your friendly, helpful, social nature makes them feel comforted. With your kind and generous heart, you are personable, talkative, and outward with your emotions, and your openness and sensitivity makes you concerned about the way others view you. Along these lines, be careful not to blame yourself when things go wrong. You cannot prevent bad things from happening, even though your tendency to be orderly with a strong sense of right and wrong may lead you to believe you can. Accept that you do what you can to take care of things and that this will get you far in the world.