Harley Diva member of DSC IBIC Soul Sea...'s blog: "Peoms by Renee...."

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the truck, the car, playing golf - always something more important to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway." The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp. Moral to this story: Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is the husband.

CONGRATULATIONS TO ALL THE KIDS WHO WERE BORN IN THE 1930s 40s, 50s, 60s and 70s !! First, we survived being born to mothers who smoked and/or drank while they carried us. They took aspirin, ate blue cheese dressing, tuna from a can, and didn't get tested for diabetes. Then after that trauma, our baby cribs were covered with bright colored lead-based paints. We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors or cabinets and when we rode our bikes, we had no helmets, not to mention, the risks we took hitchhiking . As children, we would ride in cars with no seat belts or air bags. Riding in the back of a pick up on a warm day was always a special treat. We drank water from the garden hose and NOT from a bottle. We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle and NO ONE actually died from this. We ate cupcakes, white bread and real butter and drank soda pop with sugar in it, but we weren't overweight because...... WE WERE ALWAYS OUTSIDE PLAYING!! We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the streetlights came on. No one was able to reach us all day. And we were O.K. We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps and then ride down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. After running into the bushes a few times, we learned to solve the problem ourselves. We did not have Playstations, Nintendo's, X-boxes, no video games at all, no 99 channels on cable, no video tape movies, no surround sound, no cell phones, no text messaging, no personal computers, no Internet or Internet chat rooms..........WE HAD FRIENDS and we went outside and found them! We fell out of trees, got cut, broke bones and teeth and there were no lawsuits from these accidents . We played with worms and mud pies made from dirt, and the worms did not live in us forever. We were given BB guns for our 10th birthdays, Made up games with sticks and tennis balls and although we were told it would happen, we did not put out very many eyes. We rode bikes or walked to a friend's house and knocked on the door or rang the bell, or just yelled for them! Little League had tryouts and not everyone made the team. Those who didn't had to learn to deal with disappointment. Imagine that!! The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke the law was unheard of. They actually sided with the law! This generation has produced some of the best risk-takers, problem solvers and inventors ever! The past 50 years have been an explosion of innovation and new ideas. We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned HOW TO DEAL WITH IT ALL! And YOU are one of them! CONGRATULATIONS!

Gotta love this woman's thinking!!! Jennifer's wedding day was fast approaching. Nothing could dampen her excitement--not even her parents' nasty divorce. Her mother had found the PERFECT dress to wear and would be the best dressed mother-of-the-bride ever! A week later, Jennifer was horrified to learn that her father's new young wife had bought the exact same dress as her mother! Jennifer asked her step mom to exchange it, but she refused. "Absolutely not! I look like a million bucks in this dress, and I'm wearing it," she replied. Jennifer told her mother who graciously said, "Never mind sweetheart. I'll get another dress. After all, it's your special day." A few days later, they went shopping and did find another gorgeous dress. When they stopped for lunch, Jennifer asked her mother, "Aren't you going to return the other dress? You really don't have another occasion where you could wear it." Her mother just smiled and replied, "Of course I do, dear. I'm wearing it to the rehearsal dinner the night before the wedding."

Californians So as not to be outdone by all the redneck, hillbilly and Texan jokes, somebody had to come up with this. You know you're from California if: 1. A coworker has 8 body piercing and none are visible. 2. You make over $300,000 and still can't afford a house. 3. You take a bus and are shocked at two people carrying on a conversation in English. 4. Your child's 3rd-grade teacher has purple hair, a nose ring and is named Flower. 5. You can't remember. Is pot illegal? 6. You've been to a baby shower that has two mothers and a sperm donor. 7. You have a very strong opinion about where your coffee beans are grown, and you can taste the difference between Sumatran and Ethiopian. 8. You can't remember. Is pot illegal? 9. A really great parking space can move you to tears. 10. Gas costs $1.00 per gallon more than anywhere else in the U.S. 11. Unlike back home, the guy at 8:30 am at Starbucks wearing a baseball cap and sunglasses who looks like George Clooney really IS George Clooney. 12. Your car insurance is as much as your house payment. 13. You can't remember. Is pot illegal? 14. It's barely sprinkling rain and there's a "STORM WATCH" on every news station. 15. You pass an elementary school playground and the children are all on their cell phones. 16. It's barely sprinkling rain, so you leave for work an hour early to avoid all the weather-related accidents. 17. HEY!!!! Is pot illegal???? 18. Both you AND your dog have therapists, psychics, personal trainers and cosmetic surgeons 19. The Terminator is your governor. 20. If you drive illegally, they take your driver's license. If you're here illegally, they give you one. Friendship is sharing openly, laughing often, trusting always, caring deeply.

A man died and went to Heaven. As he stood in front of the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked, "What are all those clocks?" St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie, the hands on your clock move." "Oh", said the man. "Whose clock is that?" "That's Mother Teresa's," replied St. Peter . "The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie." "Incredible," said the man. "And whose clock is that one?" St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abraham told only two lies in his entire life." "Where's Hillary's clock?" asked the man. "Hillary's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan!"

Mommy, I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off. Then Aunt Jane.... At this point, Mommy cut him off and said 'Johnny, this is such an interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight.' At the dinner table, Mommy asked little Johnny to tell his story. Johnny started his story.... 'I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off. Then Aunt Jane & Daddy started doing the same thing that Mommy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was in the army.' Moral: Sometimes you need to listen to the whole story before you interrupt.

150 years ago, President Lincoln found it necessary to hire a private investigator - Alan Pinkerton for protection. That was the beginning of the Secret Service. Since that time, the federal government has produced a large number of multi-letter agencies such as: FBI, CIA, INS, IRS, DEA, BATF, etc. Now we have the " Federal Air Transportation Airport Security Service". Can't you see them now, these 'highly trained' men and women in their black outfits with jackets saying across their backs: F. A. T. A. S. S. The FATASS's are of course supervised by a special section of the Home Land Security Section known as: Airport Security Service Home Office Logistics Enhancement Section or the A.S.S.H.O.L.E.S. I feel safer already.

Are you tired of those sissy "friendship" poems that always sound good, but never actually come close to reality? Well, here is a series of promises that actually speak of true friendship. You will see no cutesy little smiley faces on this card- just the stone cold truth of our great friendship. 1. When you are sad -- I will help you get drunk and plot revenge against the sorry bastard who made you sad. 2. When you are blue -- I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you. 3. When you smile -- I will know you finally got laid. 4. When you are scared -- I will rag on you about it every chance I get. 5. When you are worried -- I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be until you quit whining. 6. When you are confused -- I will use little words. 7. When you are sick -- Stay the hell away from me until you are well again. I don't want whatever you have. 8. When you fall -- I will point and laugh at your clumsy ass. 9. This is my oath..... I pledge it to the end. "Why?" you may ask; "because you are my friend".

A small zoo in Tennessee obtained a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few weeks the gorilla, a female, became very difficult to handle. Upon examination, the veterinarian determined the problem. The gorilla was in heat. To make matters worse, there was no male gorilla available. Thinking about their problem, the Zoo Keeper thought of Bobby Lee Walton, a redneck part-time worker responsible for cleaning the animal cages. Bobby Lee, like most rednecks, had little sense but possessed ample ability to satisfy a female of any species. The Zoo Keeper thought they might have a solution. Bobby Lee was approached with a proposition. Would he be willing to mate with the gorilla for $500? Bobby Lee showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully. The following day, he announced that he would accept their offer, but only under four conditions: 1. "First," Bobby Lee said, "I ain't gonna kiss her on the lips." The Keeper quickly agreed to this condition 2. "Second," he said, "You can't never tell no one about this." The Keeper again readily agreed to this condition. 3. "Third", Bobby Lee said, "I want all the children raised Southern Baptist." Once again it was agreed. 4. And last, Bobby Lee said, "I'll need another week to come up with the $500..."

In a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists have demonstrated that if we drink one liter of water each day, at the end of the year we will have absorbed more than one kilo of Escherichia coli (E. coli), the bacteria found in feces. In other words, we are consuming one kilo of poop. However, we do NOT run that risk when drinking wine (or rum, whiskey, or other liquor), because wine goes through the purification process of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting. Remember: Water = Poop, Wine = Health Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid, than to drink water and be full of shit. There is no need to thank me for this valuable information -- I'm doing it as a public service.