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I've never been more confused or lost in my life. Sunday night I found out that my boyfriend tried to kill himself. I thought that tore me apart enough, but no. I found out yesterday around lunch that one of my best girlfriends tried to kill herself. There went the two people who've helped keep me up here lately. And then I found out last night that another close friend of mine is going to Iraq in the next few months. I don't know what to do with myself right now. All I've done since Sunday night is cry or think about terrible things. I honestly thought that I'd be in my girl's shoes right now. After Sunday night I almost was...but she helped me through it. I can't see straight. I can't breathe right. I can't function. I almost lost 2 of my loves and then a 3rd love of mine will be leaving me for god knows how long. Is someone just trying to torture me? I feel like I'm stuck in some sick sad dream. And I keep pinching myself trying to wake up, but it's not working. I'm driving myself insane over this. The person I'd reach out to in a time like this isn't reachable. I can't help but continue to fall...What does one do when everyone they care for is leaving them? No one can truely understand how I'm feeling right now. I'm all alone. And no matter how hard I try to open up and let someone in to see what's really going on inside, I can't help but close the door. I just want to go back in time. I want to keep Jesse from what he did. I want to get to Miranda in time to stop her. And I want to let Richard know just how much I care about him. That last one I can handle right now, but the other two are out of my power. But with Jesse, I can't help but feel like I really could have done something differently. The Tuesday before he did it he had called me...but I wasn't home. I was too busy rippin' and ridin' the roads. Maybe if I had been home and he would have been able to talk to me and tell me what was going on...maybe things would be different. And maybe...if I hadn't of been so caught up in this stuff with Jesse that I would have really listened to what Miranda was saying and could have helped her the way she helped me. I don't know what I'd do without either one of them. I just can't seem to get it through my head that this is real. I almost lost 2 of the most important people in my life. I don't think it's possible for my heart to hurt more than it does right now. Everyone is so worried that I'm gonna be the next one. They know how I deal with things...and they know what I'm capable of doing. It's so hard not to. I'm in a position that I'd put all of my loved ones in if I did it though. I'm the one feeling the pain. I'm the one who's sitting here wondering what I could have done to change things. I'm the one who's still standing...and not having to be in some place getting help. I'm able to see how everyone would feel if I did it. And that really makes me stop and think. I'm so lost.

Quote

I found this on one of my friend's MySpace pages and I just had to share it because I love it....So enjoy “Girls are like apples on trees. The best ones are at the top of the tree. Boys don’t want to reach for the good ones because they are afraid of falling and getting hurt. Instead, they just get the rotten apples from the ground that aren’t good but easy. So the apples at the top think something’s wrong with them, when in reality they are amazing. They just have to wait for the right boy to come along, the one who’s brave enough to climb all the way to the top of the tree…”
I keep trying to understand why people do the things they do. How could a father screw around and lose his job and then walk out on his happy home? And how could that same father turn his back on his kids, his own flesh and blood, just because the courts no longer order him to help out? How could a mother keep her daughter from her father just because she wants to show him she can be a bitch? Does she not realize her daughter will grow to despise her when she learns the truth? How could someone who claims to be someone's best friend continue to abandon and forget about their friend, especially when they are needed the most? I was asked the other night why am I going to go out of my way to do some things for some of my friends who are not there when I need them, and my answer was very heart felt and honest. I said it was because no matter how I am treated by those I call my friends I still act as how a good friend should. No matter how far you push that knife in my chest or back I still find the strength to forgive you. But at times it is too hard of a task and I have to cut all ties between us. I just wonder when that time will come upon us. You know it is hard to force yourself to wait for someone you like, especially when you keep putting forth all your effort towards them. New options and opportunities arise daily. It is a tremendous task to always deny new things and keep your heart reserved for someone who may possibly shatter the remaining pieces. What is one to do when faced with such a defining question as this? Do you continue to hold out or do you jump in head first and let go of your inhibitions? It is hard to determine which will have a better and more promising outcome. No matter which I choose I will either be really happy or completely heart-broken.... What would you do?
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