Beef's blog: "Odes of the Toledo Knight"

Well that is a start. More to come later!!

The Dark Seas Reprisal~Part IV~ Made it to sanctuary The storm churns all around me My raft left as tattered pieces Lost here on the shores I'll be The clouds push higher and darken I'm the calm in this storm Yet alone here I'm weak In no direction am I torn Waves rise higher, white water crest I struggle with myself again Lightning strikes and thunder reigns I wonder sometimes if I'm really sane This turmoil within me This singular struggle with life The seas are rising around me Inflict me with my own strife I cling to what I have To me, so little it seems Perhaps I should give in Just await for what life deems The tears tear into my skin I can't wait much longer I have to live in sudden mortality This is supposed to make me stronger I can see it on the horizon The wave of discord looms high The wave of pain, crested white The wave of reprisal, now I cry I turn to run away again It makes no matter where The water comes and crushes all To swim in it I dare Anger swells in my weak heart I have to depend on me now No matter how weak or hurt I am I have to live, I have to learn how The Sea swirls around me now I set the action from my mind This Sea is my home My will is set and teeth grind It surrounds me like armor I may not fly Nor will I die Its my place to stand tall The blue sky breaks high The Dark Seas Reprisal am I. End~

The Dark Seas Reprisal~part III~ As I slip under the surface of these seas I catch a glimpse of myself under the dark waters Struggling for the surface Struggling for life I see the relief in myself as I break the surface A large breath, A sudden smile of life I had made it I had survived For now my trip is only starting Sinking down into the depths is all I see Surrounded by darkness Surrounded by despair My eyes blacken and close No breath from my lungs give me life Willing myself to fall Resigning myself to die Yet still I live sliding deeper into the sea Images catch my eyes forcing them open My life played before my eyes My life like a simpleton film I've lived these images, replayed them time and again Lost in what could, would, or should've been Dwelling on the unchangable past Not looking ahead nor living The anger builds within myself, at myself A problem I've had forever now I dig the pit before I take a step Sink the ship before I set sail I push towards the surface now sick of myself Breaking this grasp of despair I must My chest pounding so hard My chest, my heart, my weakness Relief I find as I break to the surface A large breath, A sudden smile of life I've made it I've survived I clutch to the wood that floats around me Perhaps I've given up sailing I tie some boards together Make myself a raft, gotta start somewhere End part III

The Dark Seas Reprisal ~part II~ The storm flow's over my calm water mire My circumstance has become dire Waves rise from the depths to boil Crashing upon my Reprisal's toil I grip the wheel like iron in a vice Yet still I'm thrashed, thrown like dice My will against the will of the storm Slowly I'm breaking, much to the norm Murky water rises shadowed as pitch-black Pulling my ship down in it cold attack My sails tear, I know the end nears Never strong enough, unlike my fears My skin wears, blood finds its due Changing my clothes into its red-ridden hue My flesh fails me, as in my reality Hating, simply hating such frailty I fall upon this lonesome ships deck Nothing can I feel except pain above my neck An end I'd wanted, an end I'd found It'd have been better had I simply drowned For now I'm in between and lost Soon Shall I find reprisal's cost. ~end part II

The Dark Seas Reprisal ~part I~ I am one of the few Master of these sorrowful seas Hours, days, months, decades All lost in the reeking breeze I am one of the living One of the simple few Daring to sail these seas Yet its all just and due Days, months, years in exile Turmoil of my own making Now as the mistress feeds My life she is slowly taking She watches my futility From her night sky's haven Laughing in such hilarity Slowly my image is graven Toil as I might, day in and out I get nowhere or everywhere No wind, no wave, nothing I scream to break the silent dare Ghosts of fathers and brothers pass Yet for no help do I even ask Grit my teeth as I toil again Fully caught up in my task There is an angry stirring The horizon cries this night Anger, frustration, fear, and hope Mixing into one storm's might I have to be ready One chance left before me If I don't catch this storm I'll join this dark sea The last hope of the Reprisal The last voyage of this ship To miss this is the end This dream's last trip ~End of part I

The barbaric world is unravelling around us. Blood spilled again and again just for belief. Haven't we had enough crusades since the dark ages? Haven't we hurt each other enough. Stolen enough? Thousands of years of history and I think we as humanity haven't gotten anywhere. Science is becoming only availible to the lords of corporations because the rest of us can't earn enough for treatments and medications. The innocent among us pay again and again and are abused by our peers. Children stolen. Childhoods ruined. Who says we are any better? I can't say I'm innocent but corruption of the human soul is in our hands and all we seem to be doing with it is bleeding it dry. I've lived enough to know it won't get any better unless we try, and I mean really try to help each other. We as a whole suffer from the malady of low self confidence and depression. The slow spiral has run for centuries and now its coming to fruition. We put up rules against the trivial when we could put up laws against or for real issues. You can't do this to your neighbor but the government could fuck you both by mistake. We all over this world who should be preserving our world are the devils and demons slowly taking it apart. Money only buys the happiness of control over the flock. The needy seldom find help in time to be saved. Our greedy hearts seldom find help before they turn pitch. Life exists because men as animals can't get enough sex. Thus they have to slowly dominate and destroy those women who could be partners for life and turning them into machines of pleasure and pregnancy. Intellect shouldn't be measured on how much you learn but by how much you can apply. Later all, I think I've made enough people mad or made enough sense for the time being.

The blood runs into my eyes Yet the pain still holds true My hands struggle to grasp this last ledge of life My heart will give out one day It's been limping for a while now Just when that day will come no one can tell me Drop by drop the life flows out The future strands snap one by one Existence, over living, over stuck in the past How I wish I could rip it out Be rid of it, be rid of the pain To bring an end to this shallow thing I call life The pain would end.....finally I could find relief for the moment Slowly my eyes would flutter and the light would fade Darkness would flood into me Hellbound as most of us are Then again would it seem like I was alive again All my torments, all my broken dreams All my hopes, all the lonliness To lock me in a room, no light, no sound, no screams For now I hang from this ledge The yawning emptiness below me The last vestiges of darkness salivating for my flesh The monster I've always feared The monster that was me alone The beast I never let free from restraint to feed Its a monster of torment A monster of much anger A monster I made with rage, hate, fear, and darkness Perhaps its best I let go Rid this world of me in it The cries beset my ears with guilt, pain, and failure Whatever I build, it matters not It will crumble around me Just as I and my ledge are crumbling now

I've taken a new trip into the land of failure This damn self pity drives me freakin' mad sometimes Failure to prepare my oldest daughter from the violent world around us She got into her first fight I've always told her to avoid them How to avoid them She stepped into it Some other kid was gonna punch my youngest She stepped in as older sister So the kid went and told his older sister Thus the kid's older sister pounded on my oldest daughter The kid's sister is 16 my oldest is 13 My daughter was bigger, but slower than the other girl Fat lip, black eye, sore jaw and just about pushed into traffic Perhaps I should lay the blame on her mother Why was she out walking around at dusk in a bad part of town Heard of the riots in toledo last year? They live not too far away Why was she outside then? Fraggin failure and now the innocence is gone She's experienced violence first hand All I can do now is try to teach her defense I doubt the girl will let up on her It could happen again I know I'm not there I get my kids every other weekend I can only help ease that feeling of pain Perhaps show her how to defend herself better She told me about it, I told her to stay away from the girl's house She didn't listen went strolling by going to the local store She paid the price I didn't see it I tried to warn her (failure!!) I wasn't there (failure!!) It nearly sent me into a rage I about too it out on her over the phone My error, she was feeling bad enough as it was I spent the next 5 hours pacing Thoughts of violence first took my mind Any father would've thought of retribution All it would cause was escalation Make my kids pay more of a price They live in that area, I don't I couldn't sleep and the slight dreams only brought me violent images My daughter being hit My daughter being hurt Pound my head on the walls I wasn't there I couldn't protect her Failure could fall onto others It just feels like it slammed me first

Another weekend is upon us Lift your drunks high Toast your friends Toast to life Celebrate the day like you never have before Hold the hand of your love Let them know you are here and now Never let them forget Never forget them Give thanks to whatever your belief is Now is the time to do what you never have Speak your mind Speak your heart Give life every reason to know you are here Take every advantage is has Take every disadvantage as learning Live it all to the fullest Life is all we have Life is everything you include in it Life is everyone you love in it Take care of it all and it will all take care of you Life is best when care and love is all around us. (10-6-06)

I will be posting a bunch of my writing here soon. Hope your all ready for some reading. Some is from my darker times, some is normal. My struggles with the human condition. Have fun!!