Jack's blog: "Nothing"

She came to me in my dream last night. We were riding around in her car. Then I was by myself standing a crossroad. I did not know which way to turn. She came up behind me and wrapped her arms around my mid section taking hold of my hands, she laid her head on my back. She whispered what she saw, I turned slightly and kissed her on her lips. Her face was set like flint towards the future, her love as gentle and caring as a Spanish lover, her soul was that of a black woman, not afraid to plow and work the land. On her knees she stayed in prayer and was loyal. She showed wisdom and shared that wisdom with me. I listened and followed the advice. I led the house, and I could see the path ahead. I knew which way to turn and where we needed to go. She followed my leading quietly and with great strength. We carried loads big and bulky in a truck. We could see the turns we needed to make. People would tell us, we couldn't go that way, that what we had would never fit & would hurt us or destroy where we were headed, but what they could not know is that her and I could see the turn and understood that there would be adjustments to be made and we would be through those obstacles just fine without us or others being hurt. She remained at my side and a pillar for me, bringing the best of me out. She is strong, courageous, loving, filled with wisdom beyond her years. Her beauty is matchless. She is the one to be at my side. To my future bride, I do not know you yet, that I am aware of, but know that my heart is fully yours for all eternity. I will love no other more than I love you. I will keep God at the head of the family. I will listen to you and the wisdom God gives you, just as I know you will do the same. We will run the house as equals side by side, neither of us more important than the other. I will give one hundred percent of myself to our marriage. I will always be faithful to you and our vows. Know that I am deeply, and passionately in love with you. I look forward to the day that we are revealed to each other and we see that it was meant for us to be together. I wait patiently until that day. Until then, please know I love you always.

I recently was in Connecticut. While there I got to experience seeing the rustic trails & the old stone walls that divided the properties from way back. Walking through the woods & seeing how they came together at points. Following old paths to a clearing where you could tell that a house use to be there or a town. Structures run down beyond repair, but standing reminding us of the past & how far we have come from those days. One of the first states to have stood against the British & the tyranny they sought to bring upon us. We stood up & fought for our right to be free from the oppression. We won.... Now here we stand again, throwing away our freedoms we fought so hard for. We are tossing them away for supposedly the want to be safer or to feel like we are safe. It amazes me how blind we have become. Even the older generation that taught us & that lived & fought for us to have our way of life. Listening to an older gentleman saying that the government has no secrets, yet time & time again they keep declassifying material. How far have we fallen from what this country use to stand for. We are now mocked by other countries. We have become a country that is weak & cowers instead of standing tall & proud. We have forsaken the poor & down trodden & have enabled those that seek to enforce their way of life upon us. We have a double standard, we want equality for all, yet we show no equality to others. We want freedom of speech for all, yet if it doesn't sit with our views than we must punish them that speak against us. We scream & shout that love must be shown, but yet we give no example of what love is. We are tearing ourselves apart, & becoming less & less. We expect everyone to hand us stuff, instead of fighting & working for it. I have fought, kicked, clawed, & worked to get ahead, yet only to be held back. Sometimes by my mistakes, but more often than not by others needs to be more powerful, so that their ego is fed. I have forefathers in my family that have fought for this country & my freedom. Their names are mentioned in journals & on plaques in the civil war monument here in Cleveland, Ohio. There are family members that fought against the British. My family has sacrificed many men to almost all the major wars. British American War, The Civil War, WWl, WWll, Korean, Vietnam. I have never forgotten what price was paid for my freedom. I am reminded daily when I look at my dad's flag, that is folded properly & encased. How my family's hearts must turn over in their graves & become sick at how far we have fallen & how many have seemingly forgotten the sacrifice that was made for this once great nation. To all who serve, this great nation & stand guard under the flag, I say thank you. I have not forgotten the price, nor will I ever forget. Please remember, my friends & family why we have our freedom & thank those that have served & those that continue to serve. If not for them, we would not have our freedom.

Tired of being judged. Invited to a "friend's" house for dinner. They felt it was time to get to know us. We talked about everything where we grew up, our childhoods, & many other things. Ever since that dinner, the attitude has changed, we are barely spoken too. Listen, my sister & I never asked for what we were dealt. My sister never asked to have seizures & to be on medicine all her life or to need a caregiver. I never asked to be hated & abused growing up. I never wanted the monstrous things to happen to me, but they did. That doesn't make me a monster. 
You judge me & you never take time to really know me or my sister. I take care of my sister. I am trying to help her get her dreams. Yes, people that have special needs have dreams & they have feelings just like the rest of us "normal" people. I deal with my sisters changing attitude daily. I never know what I am going to get from one moment to the next. I get hated on at times, & I get the little kid who's sorry & needs a hug. I deal with someone who can not fully distinguish between reality & movies. I have to answer questions about everything. I have to re-assure her that I am not going to leave her. Our dad committed suicide in 2010. My mom told my sister it was just them & they were going to do everything together. They did do somethings together, but my mom met a guy & then changed. She told my sister she was tired of taking care of her & wanted to live her life. My sister was left in my care. My sister fights feeling abandoned. 
You don't know that I have to get up & deal with this by myself daily. I have to sacrifice my dreams so that my sister can have hers. I have to weather the storms that come. I am the one standing strong & holding her dreams up. I have laid down mine. You look at me weird or whisper behind my back, because when I have a chance to talk I do. I come off as clingy or over emotional to you. Sorry, to offend you. I enjoy getting to talk to someone I don't have to try to explain reality to. I like to joke & have a good time. You talk about how I dress & that I don't have this or that. I am sorry that I have needs. I am not allowed to take what belongs to my sister for her care & use it for myself. So, my shoes will be worn out. My clothes will look old, & maybe it will look like I haven't shaved, because I can't get blades. I go without so that my sister can get her dreams. You do not hear me complain. You may see my shoulders slump or the tired look on my face or you may see me moody, but I am still standing strong & running the race. Why?, because I have no one to help me. Everyone wants to judge, even after they supposedly know me. I stand strong & I stand true. Though the storms rage & people judge I remain standing un-moving & undaunted. I cry, I bleed, I get tired, but I keep getting up & facing the days. Why?, because my sister deserves her dreams & no one else will fight for her like I will.

This is a message from my friend Dj Kimmie. 

I need to ask you all something very serious if, you all would for me please keep me in your thoughts and prayers. I found out yesterday that I have extra blood vessels on the left side of my brain that could potentially rupture at anytime...... They are sending me to a specialist and I may have to have surgery.... I am asking everyone to keep me in their thoughts and prayers please, if you would as I go through  this rough time in my life.

Please, Pray for her as she faces this battle. I am standing with her, because she is my friend. 

It would be so easy just to shut down right now & just walk away from everything, & not caring one way or another about things. Holding back not telling people off. Keeping the tongue in check not screaming out things that shouldn't be said. Not sitting crying & moaning. Trying to keep the head up. Praying for everybody else, because nothing left to pray for self, for nothing seems to work. Trying to stir up the joy & faith inside. Trying to keep emotions in check & not let the heart wander aimlessly off track. Working on keeping the promises in front as well as the prize at the end of the race. Watching as more & more gets taken & nothing can be done. What more needs to leave, or to be stripped? Is this a joke? Is it funny to dump dung on one? How much more will be dumped? The tunnel is long & never ending. No longer know which is up or down. The light ends up being a tease of another lamp hanging from a wooden beam shining, but still not enough to show if going further into the abyss or coming out to breathe fresh air filled with life. Not one caring to speak, that needs to speak. Silence is deafening. Ear drums hurt from the silence. Hope is loosing ground. Sight is dimming as the darkness swallows up the light & nothing comes forth anymore.