Swoop's blog: "Newer Junk"

**** this one is not good at all, but i had to get it out there ****

i feel the way i feel and you feel without feeling

if i could make it another way

i would go back

back to yesterday

last week

any moment but this

when i realized that you have never really been here

you couldn't be me

you could never walk a moment here

so take your judgement and burn

i hate you for making me be the strong one all the time

i hate you for making me love you

i love you for not hating me

too much

too many thoughts

just give me peace

where are the drugs?

how didn't you see

that i built these dreams for you

that we are in your heaven right now

and you're only focused on what i'm no longer giving you

look around

look what i've done

built on blood sweat tears and broken heart moments

walls made of sacrifice

walls made of my soul

look what i've done

i just need a break

let me rest

let me rediscover

let me see if there is anything left

distorted my shape...my soul...

to give you your peace

and now i will take some of my own.

i'm so sorry i couldn't be as amazing as you expect me to be

...that after these years have worn me down I have finally buckled

i'm so sorry that my morals passed away

i think this is the way it was always going to end up

thinking thinking thinking

trying to understand what's going on

as i bounce around in my own head like a rubber ball

and what's left of me melts away

i hope our friendship isn't drowned in sorrow

this is not what i wanted

i'm so sorry.

Emptied

stand in your own judgement

may the shadow cast

drown your souls as it has mine.

like acid it has dilluted

and eaten away a surface once bright.

cut into eachother

slicing off pieces of heart

until nothing is left

but a miserable human average.

 

Namesake

I was given a name

that carried a strange burden.

there must be a cell that dictates the weight

ever preseent on my heart.

temporary gift of a 5 year lift.

now over.

and i am standing on the precipice. 

knowing and not knowing

of the fall to come,

and the crash landing that awaits.

 

In the Park

here i am,

lost in private thought

in a public place.

sitting by cold stones

that are older than generations.

there is a sickly knowledge

interfering with the peace of the moment.

after years of cutting, moulding and shaping

i'm still nothing more than the average.

not a happy ending princess as promised

but a fall back plan.

a child in a world of adult rules and expectations.

a bad poet without wisodm.

 

A Dream on the Wind

if the wind could bring me to you

i'd be there in moments soft and slow

to share in your reserve of peace and freedom.

without the law and promises we made

in foolish and weak moments.

just to stand and gaze into the night air,

where nothing of yesteryear mattered.

only this etherial bond

that has no explanation.

only two souls calling to eachother.

i'd only ask to stand in your presence,

and see what magic would spark there.

if they love as they say,

wouldn't they want that much for us?

just to be as children at play for some days that will come and go...?

 

                       the last one is for my dear friend B.K.C. who has been there for me time and time again...and never asks

                       me for anything.

 

eyes hurt from the tears that won't come truth is agony tonight new realizations that you'll never know like a scream that burns from heart to soul

The Truth Today, As We Grow Older there are a million words and thoughts not shared and you and i are traveling on the same track always just out of sight of one another mostly you are ahead reaching heights of misery and sweet chemical release reaching the bloodshed and emotional gore that we chased for so very long lost and empty on a path to an unknown end and here is my current secret hidden from your greater mind your bigger heart your faster run that happiness doesn't fill all the holes as great a love as i have found on a lost and lonely way he can't satisfy the need for you my dangerous friend brother in arms and the only one who ever understood an unending need for the inspiration of self inflicted pain *for my dearest friend. E.B. Bury Your Memory all the mistakes you had to make just to find that empty space and somehow through it all you knew with these sweet dreams you could collide this girl or that girl to keep you warm dancing in the fog that killed or freed convinced that you were right in wrong beautiful sinner with a suicidal heart born in the wrong body with the wrong mind swallow the image or else it's all gone blood lust of a selfish heart you walked over all that could have been and buried love at your door A Pain Without Love a curious thing, to find you in the back of my mind like a nightmare waiting to happen to resurface on a beautiful day of that night that we made life followed by the day when your anger and my cowardice murdered it nothing good in the memory rough to the touch you were sick and so was i so here we are in a new separate happiness i still remember our ugly days so why are you still there? will time bury you as i should? are these lines under my eyes from the days of feeding on insufficient anger and not enough heart

When Misery is Gone how was it defined this raging sense of self the how and why of the who to pin it down to one word one thought...writer and then you came and took away those silent moments when lonely aches filled the mind with troubled words that spoke to other lonely hearts and left us all in the darkness of our own desires is it all to remain incomplete because of one simple question misery was the muse, so what now? have you cursed me with joy and dreams come true? what is the next evolution? A. M. G. More than Love when you opened my eyes with so gentle a touch when you asked for those words with tears in your silence when you lay beside me in sickness with or without health when you sang a love song with sincerity when you weren't just a dream with an unhappy ending when with you everything is possible A.M.G. 3.01.07 Mother Dearest no need for this condescension for the anger in your eyes and heart to shine down some thoughts are better left for the night alone in the dark with your bitter soul if the light shines bright enough will you light on fire and float away wonder if the things i did were just to be invisible from your mother mother complex if i close my eyes for a few more years will you disappear or will this last beyond forever no rhyme or reason to your acid "love" your words remembered the curse of an empathic and an unhealed heart

Your Mistake when the pain is something i can't ignore and wondering why as i fall to the floor when you cut or burn it out and bring back the nightmares and crushing doubt when the child dies inside who will you call when it's time to hide? when you fall and cry for relief will you remember my faithful belief? and when you hear the word goodbye will you know why it still made me cry?

Chastise a hard lesson for a dying fool that the hearts of men are empty and you were no different despite the pretty words that held no meaning so when you mourn the loss and the cold space in your bed remember the words you broke her with remember how cleverly you held her in tears and weakness remember that you had no right so when you pass these gifts that didn't fit the little girl to the next one you'll hurt remember that you still have no right and think on what's best for someone else and not your own selfish desires g.w.b. The Truth Of It All it was far from perfect but better than the cold empty moments the heat of fear burning on these cold winter nights and even the fear has left replaced by weary acceptance that time has proven a bitter lesson that the words of men are empty prince charming is only a story and joy is found with friends who truly care i love you guys :)