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holi's blog: "My thoughts"

created on 04/01/2008  |  http://fubar.com/my-thoughts/b203521

Jealousy

I look in the mirror. Scared of what I will see. The change happens so quickly. I don't mean to change but i do. The hideous crack in the former wonderful me. The jealousy comes out. It rears it's ugly head. Why do i fall victim? Why can't I fight? I know I am strong. You have told me so, yet I am still not convinced. I have something to hide. I try running, fast and fearless. Headlong into disaster. The monster consumes me. Chews the real me up and spits me out. Now I am an empty soul. Someone consumed with fear. Someone who is irrational and jealous of all. Why can't this monster leave me alone? I want to be me! I want to be the wonderful person once more. I fight a valiant fight. Somedays I win but somedays I lose. I am on the road to discovering where the monster left me. I need to find me. The woman I was and the woman I almost am. That combination can fight the monster and win.

Betrayal

I hold my head up high. Facing the laughing people. I try to hold the tears back, but they roll down my cheeks anyway. They all knew what was happening. They all knew what a fool i was making of myself. But did anyone care? The answer to that question is no. For now my heart is breaking, shattering into tiny little pieces. I thought I ment something to you. I thought I was more than just a cheap thrill. I was wrong, about you, about so many things in my life. I have nothing left. No illusions to see. Not even my pride, my one saving grace. Nothing you took it all from me when you played me for a fool. I hope you laughed and had a good time. Now i am crying and hurting. You did a good job. I once told you that you would make a great player. I never wanted to find out for myself, but i was right. The one time i wish that i had been wrong. I believed every word you said. I wanted to believe. I forced myself to believe. He cares to much for me I told myself. Now those words are just evil laughter echoing in my brain. They are there to torture me with the truth. They are there to make me hurt and bleed. I will survive this though, I have went through worse. Oh the scars i will have to prove this experience. They tattoo my body and mind, just like your touch. I remember it and still crave it. But it would be insane for me to give in when I know the pain that lies ahead of me. I gave you my heart and you gave it back. I don't want it back, I just want you
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