Helsinki Vampire's blog: "My Thoughts and More..."

Okay so it's now day 1 and I really miss Teddy like crazy. No he didn't disappear on me again. His roommate Stephen is going on vacation with his family for about two weeks. Sometimes I might feel like I can't do this but I know that I can. I survived 8 days and I know I can do 14. Though I might get a little on the crazy side, I still have friends to see me through. Today I got on the Gazelle and the ab lounger. Last night I joined a site called www.musculartrainingdevelopment.com and its really cool. It offers free advice and other tips to training and exercising. They are really cool. I'm hoping that since I joined that that I won't have problems losing the weight that I need to continue on. Hopefully, my exercising will finally pay off. I just give up to easily I admit. And when I'm not hungry and feel like I should eat, I'll drink water or chicken broth and I could even do more exercising. :) Right now my goal is to lose 5 lbs by May 17th. I know I can do it. Set small goals and then I'll reach the bigger goal. This is all that I have for now. :)

Okay so it's been two nights since I last talked to my baby. And in light of him being at Florida State University and the shootings that happened yesterday at Virginia Tech...I wanted to tell him I love him and just make sure that he was alright. I wasn't going to let it bother me...but I did want to tell him that I loved him. My heart goes out to those who lost friends and loved ones yesterday. I know how scary it must be as I experienced a similar terror that was only a prank played by a fucked up in the head customer. The power went out Sunday at work and this guy yells "Give Me All Your Money Now." I didn't know if I needed to hit the floor or what. But the weird and funny thing is is that when he was in the plus sized section I asked him if he needed help and he had the nerve to say that in front of me and my supervisor. Then he says that he was kidding and Audrey was like, "That's so not funny." The power comes back up goes down and then back up, and all around me, there were ladies who's faces were so white I thought half of them would be sick. The guy then says "You don't have to get your panties in a wad you bitch." To Audrey. When I was telling this to my manager (Selina), she was like, "I would have thrown him out." So next time I will call security on someone who does crap like that because that can cause a panic. I'm miserable right now because my back is hurting and I'm cramping and I'm tired because Thursday was my last off day. My off day doesn't start til 1pm today. Sadly we're getting a drop truck instead of a live one. Drop = a huge load. Live = light load. I like the light trucks alot better. But oh well. When I get back home I will clean up the kitchen and probably take a nap. My ears have been bothering me because of this 40 mph wind we've been having but I think it died down. Still it hurts. Then my back hurts from lifting and bending so much and stretching for customers...my back isn't used to it. *laughs* I spoke to my supervisor Schylesture and told her about how things were going with me and Teddy and she was like, "Oh maybe you will be getting married by the end of the year." That would be nice but that's too soon. I want Teddy to be ready. He knows his heart more than I do. I will wait on him. Not the other way around. Well this is all that I have for now. I have to finish getting ready for work.

Ugh. I am so disappointed with myself. I started exercising Monday. Worked out Tuesday and by Wednesday I quit. Sometimes I wish I could take a pin and just poke a hole in my stomach and watch it deflate. But I know what the problem is. I can't leave the junk foods alone or the cokes. That is my down fall and its mainly my mom's fault for buying the crap. I just don't get it sometimes you know. I can hold out and then there are days where I just cave in and eat tons of junkfood. >.< Like yesterday I wanted this beautiful shirt that we had at work and because my arms are so freaking bulky, I couldn't wear it. It's not fair. Also yesterday I didn't eat a big breakfast because we had an awards ceremony at work yesterday and well they fed us breakfast and I grabbed the wrong lunch and I didn't eat til I got home. Which was like 2:30 pm. Then I ate a late supper. I'm going to start cutting back on my food and when mom goes to the grocery store I hope she buys me lots of veggies that I can take to work. I will start eating healthier. Some fruits I can handle and some I can't. I got to talk to Teddy last night and the poor boy is missing Rose so much he can't see straight. Poor guy. And then we were talking about our dreams and he had his different from mine. His was a night mare. He was the best man instead of the groom and it hurt him so bad to watch me fixing to marry another man. I told him I couldn't do that. I had to be with him. And I told him in my dreams I saw our wedding bands. They were either white or yellow gold with Anhks engraved into them. And he spilled the beans that our rings were white gold. Then he proceeds to beat himself up verbally. And I told him not to. He's just under alot of stress. His friend is in the hospital sick, he lost his wallet, he was late to class, he misses Rose and sometimes he doesn't get enough time with me online. We both need each other so bad that it's nearly driving us insane. Usually when I have a night mare or a dream I don't want to dream...he steps in. But this time he didn't. I dreamed that I was doing intimate things with Andrew M. And I was like no. I don't want to be doign this. And Teddy never stepped in. I woke up in tears. Not because I was scared to death or anything but because Teddy didn't interfere. I wanted him. Not Andrew. And as I laid in bed wondering who it was Teddy watched me marry, I wondered if it was Andrew. I don't want Andrew. I want Teddy. Teddy is my life. He's my soul. There are no words to literally describe how I feel for my baby. Like yesterday while waiting on the doors to open for the Velocity concert, I saw visions of me and Teddy running around in my front yard on a sunny day while we were in shorts. I fell and he landed on top of me but not hard enough to hurt me. Or I saw visions of us running around and me running right into his arms. We were always laughing and smiling. Happiness. That is what it was about. And Love. Those visions were showing me that we will be perfectly fine. The other day Joannie was telling me that me and Teddy wouldn't work out because while he's in college there is os much for him to do and crap and it scared me because I don't want to lose him and he told me different which was a good thing. He won't allow stuff like that to happen. He told me he's not a partier. But he did tell me that he was meeting with some other Wiccans to see about starting a coven or a club. I just want him safe that's all. I don't want any harm to come to him. Now about the Velocity show. First performance was Seven Story Fall which they were really good out of the first two bands. The second was The Awkward Romance. I wasn't to partial to them but they were cool and then finally Velocity. They rocked. They even had a new member which I didn't know about. Shows how much I keep up with the bands right? *laughs* But all in all they were great. There are some new pictures up in my photo album on here so check them out. I spoke with um...The Pastor's wife at Church In The Now and I was really amazed at how welcome they made me and Kayleigh feel. Something you don't see at my church. And they don't judge you either based on what you wear or your color or anything. That church is so laid back it wasn't even funny. To think that someone at our church wouldn't let Velocity come to perform for the youth because the lead singer and the drummer are the Pastor's children. Ugh I can't stand people that judge... Anyways. I love Velocity. And I might just change from my church to that church. Everyone loved my car too. Even with the HIM, The 69 Eyes, And My Chemical Romance Decals on my window. They didn't even tell me that I was sending mixed signals. You know why? Because I saw members of that church at the Cradle of Filth concert That is why. Freaking people... Tonight I have to work from 4-10 pm but I think I will mostly be doing put backs and probably restocking the Junior Girl South Pole area. If it even sold down at all. Then tomorrow I work from 11-5 which it probably won't be that busy. I don't even know why they extended the hours because most people will be at church. Use your brain people. Mmm but of course its all about the money to half these freaking companies. It's not about respecting other peoples needs to go to chruch and such. Whatever. I'm out. I'm getting aggravated the more I write.

This morning before I woke up to dogs barking and someone being outside and the freaking telephone ringing >.< I was dreaming about being in my church. It was packed. And I was in my wedding gown. I was sitting in the front row on the left side as you go into the sanctuary. Thing was...Teddy wasn't there. I wasn't worried. I don't think he was late or stood me up...I think he was still getting dress and it was like a rehearsal or something. Then Danny (my preacher) married these two ten year old boy and girl because they were I think cancer patients and had fallen in love. (it was so cute) and although they were young, they knew more about love than I did. They saw it in ways I didn't. Like they knew that they were too young to start a family and to do the initmate thing, but they only wanted to be married to each other and I cried. Then I stood up and it was just about time for me when I was rudely awakened. >.< Such a good dream.

*sighs* No I'm not down in the dumps. I'm just bored and I have a major sinus headache. Not to mention I miss Teddy. He said he was getting out of school at four pm and that he'd talk to me then. And I haven't heard from him yet. Maybe I think he's an hour behind me :( Ahh hell I don't know. I just want to talk to him *sighs*

Today was a very weird day indeed. I clocked in and everything at seven am...and I went straight to Junior dresses and it took 5 1/2 hours to work everything out and get it all sorted and crap. So when I got off work I went to my mom's job to take her a check... When I got home I ate like popcorn, cheese, crackers and candy. I felt so bad that I got on the Gazelle for 30 minutes and then the Ab Lounger. So all in all I did 2.32 miles on the Gazelle and even on there I burned 280.6 calories plus however how many I burned while doing my ab lounger. I am so proud of myself and from now on...no more junkfoods, no more cokes...and when I go out to eat it has to be healthy. Yes I know...I'm always falling off the bandwagon but I can't help it. And now that all these pretty clothes are coming out and all these gorgeous dresses are coming out I want to lose the weight to be able to wear them. I miss Teddy. And I know for sure that he's in a good college. Florida State University is well talked about at my job. Everyone was like, "He chose a perfect school." So I am glad that he's going to a great school. His education is very important right now. And who knows. I may or may not go back to school. It depends though. I may not since I already have a stupid loan to pay back and I don't want to pay on another one. I'm going to be even more tighter with my money. I need to start setting some of it back and like pulling $20.00 out for me to spend on myself and then whatever's left of it needs to go in the money bank that's hidden. That's my wedding funds bank. LOL Mom is cooking hamburgers for supper tonight but not me. I'm going to have this taco rice stuffy and a green veggie that way I will have some for supper tomorrow as well. I need to start cutting back on my food. I'm bad about going back into the kitchen for more food to eat. I want to start being conservative with my money to get new tires for my car and to just save money incase when Teddy comes over, we'll have some money to go out and do things with because I'm going to be stubborn and not worry with that stuff about him paying for everything. Goddess I love him to death that I don't know what to do. And now that I've thought about it everyone is right that I talked to. I have nothing to worry about with other females bothering him while he's down there. He loves me and only me and I have to see it for that. Oh boy do I really miss him. I wonder how he's liking things so far. Last time I talked to him was Saturday for about 20-30 minutes and he liked it so far from what he said. :) Well there is one thing about it. If there is ever any hurricanes...he can come here for refuge. I'll save him. Right now I'm tricking out my Cherry Tap profile by adding a crap load of songs to it. :) Yay me. :) Yay I have an appetite. Well this is all I have for now...I'm lost on thoughts.

It's Easter. And this doesn't seem like a very good day. My parents are grouchy and they don't know how to act anymore. I asked why we weren't having a big dinner and mom was like because I'm broke. So...get out the frozen meats and cook something. Dad was like stop complaining. If you don't like it get out of the house. If only it was that simple. I really really feel like their failure. All I want is for a normal holiday. Nothing means anythiing to me anymore because they don't care anymore. I promise that when I have my children that I will never do them like my parents are doing me. Sometimes I feel like if I could just vanish that they wouldn't miss me at all. Not really. Their perfect children are Tina Van and Bubba. No one sufferes as much as I do. I think its really because I'm at JC Penney and I'm happy where I am and they don't care. They think of me as a lowlife. All because I don't make a whole heck of alot of money. I'm almost ready to tell them that if they want to be this way that I will just screw it and if you get an invitation in the mail to come to my wedding then you'll be the only ones to come. I'm on my last nerve. I'm only doing one ceremony and its the handfasting. Screw everything else. I wish the mall was open so that I could have worked today. Anything to make my life even more better. I'm going to build myself a house out of cardboard and forget everything else. Either that or live out of my car. Forget everything else. The only good in my life right now is my friends and my Teddy. Without them I'd be nothing and probably forgotten about and wasting away somewhere. Am I really a low life? Am I really a failure to them? It seems like it. All because I can't get out on my own. Where did I go wrong? What can I do to make my life better? Answer is...I don't think that I can. :( I tried for a better paying job but they told me they didn't want me coming home at 1am they're the one's pressuring me to get a better job. Those are the ones that are coming home at the crack of dawn... I'm sitting here forcing myself to eat. I don't eat that much anymore when I'm upset or stressed. And the doctor wants to know why my sugar isn't coming down...did they ever think it might be because my parents keep me stressed. I think I'm going to go against my friends on this one and get a second job. I'll work two jobs...that way I can get out on my own. I'll let everything else go. I dont' need to go to concerts. I don't need to go to six flags... And if I have to I'll get a third job... I will show them that I can do this. I will just have to handle the stress...I just have to to save myself from the insanity. I got to talk to my Teddy last night. He's temporarily attending Florida State University. If he likes it after a month then he'll stay which I hope he does. I need someone to excel at something more than I can ever go. My dreams were shattered. I wanted to be a Physical Therapists Assistant but I can't do that thanks to my parents making me take vocational classes instead of College prep. I can't stop thinking about how much of a disappointment I am to this family of mine. And I often wonder if I was to ever just vanish and disappear would they ever really care? Harsh to think about I know but its the truth. I don't think it would affect them at all. It would my bubba my sister in law and my aunt...but not anyone else. Am I thinking about suicide...NO!!! I'm not that stupid. I'm just ready to move on. To move away from this family. To start my own and be a better parent than what I have now. I want my children to know that they have the most wonderful mother a child could have. I think the reason why they are acting this way is because they're so far into debt again that it's not funny. I wish there was a way I could put my car into my own name and my own insurance into my own name that way I can get that off their shoulders. I am truely just a modern day Cinderella waiting for my prince. This is all I have for now...

Well it is officially day eight since I last heard anything from Teddy. I miss him more and more each day and this is proving to be easier than I thought it would be. We are so connected and everything that I know that he knows I miss him. Work was busy as usual and I'm glad that I got everything done and over with until Monday. After this coming weekend, I should be eligible for a weekend off which would be nice. It's getting closer to him coming down for a week in the summer but I might talk him into two weeks that way we can get him registered for college and other good stuff and figure out what he's going to do about a job and a car and more... I'm rather excited though. And even if he has to live with me until he can get his own apartment that is fine. We're wanting to do the Wiccan tradition of waiting a year and a day before we live together but he might not have a choice. : Rose said he fell off a ladder Thursday and my back has been hurting ever since. We can feel each others pains and feelings. We even share the same dreams. No I'm not retarded it's the truth. Don't believe me wait til we get him registered on here and then we'll go from there. LOL. Well this is it for now. I've been busy with cleaning my room and making it neat again...