medic4fun's blog: "my life"

Since I have come home from Iraq I have been lost. I dont know who I am or even who I was before war. I have searched for what was missing, which is Me. But how do I find me when I dont know who or what I am? Where did I go? Or was I ever even here? I feel so out of place in the post deployment world. my memories of all that came before seem so distant yet the memories that happened only a mere few weeks later seem like yesterday.what happened? To my friends who care about me I am sorry for what I have done. To my Comrades I am also sorry for what I have done as well.
So I have been talking to a therapist about me. And she wants to know my beliefs, things I value and my rules. what I learned from her is that I ( in her opinion) is that I am a philosopher. I have a sense of humor. I am persistant and angry all the time(yet i feel nothing). The total lack of emotions sucks. I miss the war. at least there i felt alive and life had a purpose. Back here I wander listlessly, just existing not living. I miss the touch of a woman, her smell. yet everything I have done is drive them away. Am I a Soldier and only a Soldier? Or am I a person who happens to Soldier also? These are things I need to figure out. alot of you who are closest to me know I drink.Alcohol so far has been the one thing that helps me feel, or at least stop me from feeling.What do I feel? Anger and guilt. The Army has what are called Army values. they are Loyalty,Duty, Respect,Selfless Service,Honor, Integrity and Personal Courage. These values are posted everywhere Army. And everytime I see them I want to puke and they piss me off. These values, in my opinion, were America's first war casualty. I have a shirt that has them on the back. On the front it says National Guard America's Heroes. every time i wear it i want to put a Z over the H. I dont feel like a hero but I do feel like a Zero. People have come up to me to thank me for my Service and I smile shake their hand and tell them they are very welcome. Inwardly I feel dirty....is that how heroes should feel? What about those true heroes.. the ones who laid down their lives for us all? and my friends who left body parts in distant places? Certainly to that little Iraqi girl who I could not save I am no hero. I know that people die and no matter what or how good you are you cant change that, but it does not make it any easier.