I know alot of you saw my status yesterday when I said I was going through something, well that something was such a huge shock to me that i am still reeling from it.

When I was a very young child I was molested by my mother's boyfriend. I never told a soul. I was talking to my sister yesterday morning and the subject came up and I told her i was sure he (the boyfriend) had to be dead by now...my sister replied, "I know he is". I hesitated and asked her how she was so sure that he was dead and she replied to me that she heard/watched my mother kill him. I have been in therapy my entire life for the crap that happened to me growing up including being physically abused by my mom. Now I find out that in the end she did protect me and I NEVER KNEW! My mother passed away on March 1st 2010 I can not call her up and tell her how sorry i am or how much i love her, I only wish I had known the depths of her love for me regardless of the abuse we suffered at her hands. I had alot of gaps in my memory from repressed memories that have yet to surface and I am afraid that with this information more and more of the pieces are going to fall into place and i do not know if i am ready for that yet :( So for those of you that were wondering what it was that had me all effed up, this is it. I will never forget what happened to me, but now i look back and i cannot imagine my poor sister watching and hearing what was going on in that other room. No wonder she turned out to be an addict. I am amazed that either of us survived our childhoods at all.

What a crappy day. I went to the doctor this morning about the numbness in my hands and arms, was told I had advanced carpal tunnel syndrome, I have to have surgery on the 10th and then the left hand 3 weeks after that, then was told by my boss tonight that i would not have a job after friday as he could not afford to pay me anymore, im really stressed especially because I am the only one working here and if I dont have even that little bit of money to pay my bills im so screwed. I sure wish I was financially able to not have to worry anymore :(

Happy New year my fubar family and friends! I hope all of you had a wonderful holiday and personally I am glad it is over for another 12 months! I have kept my New Year's resolution, so far and have not smoked a cigarette in 24 days I am so proud! I am also proud of my daughter who is doing very well in school academically and in orchestra and color guard.

I could be happier in my personal (love) life, I am still waiting on my husband to get a job, yeah hes been here since August and still doesnt have a job which really really SUCKS! I am getting a little tired of supporting someone who is entirely capable of supporting themselves.

I am still missing being in the south and all my family and friends down there, especially my aunt and all my favorite hang outs. This place is so small and boring I feel like I am losing my mind! There is absolutely NOTHING to do in this little bitty one horse town :(

I guess I cannot complain too much, I could still be stuck in that miserable box (motel) with just a microwave to cook in lol. I do go out occasionally to the one bar we have here in town and sing karaoke but even that is pretty lame compared to my fave places down south.

So anyway just wanted to post a lil bit on here to keep it up to date, hopefully I will have something more interesting to tell you next time im on. If any of my friends and family on here would like to see me, send me money for a bus or plane ticket lol I will come see you!!! Love and kisses to all MUAH!! XOXOXOXO

Wow, alot has changed since I last posted...my husband came up to Indiana (been sober almost 7 months) It was a difficult decision to let him come back and when I did decide to let him stay, i found out he had lied to me about having a round trip bus ticket back to TN, I asked him what would he had done had I said no he couldnt stay? I told him he would have been hitchhiking down 465 back to TN. Not a very auspicious beginning to him making big changes in our lives. So he has been up here with me now for almost 4 and a half months, I am no longer in the box (motel room) lol and have a really cute apartment. I am getting to spend more time with my daughter who is turning 16 next week and I have a nice little job making some money. Now it would be great if he got a job as well!

I had some very bad news recently...My Best Guy Friend (and childhood friend) was doing drugs with his 17 yr old firstborn son, The son accidentally od'ed so now my bgf is being accused of murder and I in turn am being accused of standing by a murderer. I am sorry but this is not all black and white. First of all yeah it was a very bad decision on my friends part BUT he did not force his son to do this, he was 17 yrs old and had a mind of his own to make the decision to take the drugs. I am now concerned that my friend (who is severely bi-polar) is going to, in the end, committ suicide. I cannot deal with this and havent been dealing well with it since i found out. My heart has been broken into a million pieces by this sad tragedy.

Winter is well on its way here in Indiana and I am not looking forward to the extreme cold and snow...I hate snow. Maybe it will be easier to deal with now though than when i lived here 9 yrs ago with my ex husband, there are a great deal of differences since then and now. I have a job, i have a different state of mind, I have a different husband, I live in a different place (that i love) and I have enough money to go out and sing karaoke every once in awhile which keeps me sane :)

Gotta go for now, going shopping with my aunt ttfn!

So much for "posting again tomorrow" lol I finally made that change 3 years later, I left the snoring, teeth grinding alcoholic sports fan on April 1st did not intend to make a fool out of him but that just ended up being the day I left, I am now back in Indiana and I STILL hate this place. I am currently residing in a motel until a job and apartment come along...I usually spend most of my time now on fubar and facebook trying to connect with people as i sit and stare at these 4 walls. My car broke down about 3 weeks after I got here so i am AGAIN without transportation...anyone want to buy a 91 infiniti q45 that has hijacked itself? The anti theft system seems to think i am trying to steal my own car, pretty freaking ironic. I now have 2 and a half semesters of schooling under my belt and am planning to return as soon as i can figure out how to get from greenfield to indianapolis. I will try to post again soon. ttfn