OllyTwist's blog: "Memories"

As I sit here, I laugh quietly to myself as everyone else sleeps in peaceful slumber. I can't sleep because so many things stumble thru my minds slate. I have things  that have to do with school all the way to them being in band, soccer, football or some other sport. Sometime I wonder if being a mom is all that I can give. I feel like a complete and total failure and I wish that I had a way to erase time. I am only getting heavier and looking worse as time goes by, a lot has to do with how I feel about myself but  I can not seem to find my motivation in life. Does anyone have a TRUE motivation?? If so I would like to hear about it because the pen is close to paper/ razor close to wrist.... 

Within my head are thoughts that are racing around like rats, trying to find their way out of a maze. I laid my head to rest this evening but my mind was so busy that it sounded like a million people all chattering at the same time. I tried quieting my thoughts, searched for that inner silence but it was like someone had waltzed right into my head from left to right and with it took away the peace.

Here I sit, it is 2 a.m. and technically I should be asleep but here I sit with my eyes wide open. Staring at the screen as I write, almost in a daze like state of confusion. Not really sure why I am experiencing these feelings. Hmmmmm feelings, what am I really feeling?

For starters, I am frustrated because I can't sleep. I love to sleep. When I sleep my dreams take me places I have never been. I experience another side of life that can only be found through soul travel. God, how I wish I could lay my head down and rest right now but yet at the very same moment I am in touch with what is going on inside me or am I?

I have been so out of touch with who I am for so long that when someone says to me that I am beautiful, I have to stop, look around me, look back at them and ask if they were speaking to me. What is it that others see, that I do not? Why do I judge myself so harshly one moment and then the next I dismiss it all as some crazy nonsense that I conjoured up? I mean really now. Why not judge myself? For starters, I beat others to it so they can't...chuckling to myself. Secondly, I feel like I have no life anymore. I mean I realize I do. I have a family whom I love dearly. They are my world and without them I would be nothing.

Let me tell you about them. Let me express the joys, the tears, the fights, the laughter and the love that is experienced with them. My family started obviously the day that I was born. My childhood was no cake walk. I went through things that I would not wish on my worst enemy. My first real memory was when I was 3. I was outside playing with my dog, Popper. We called him that because he was like a little piece of pocorn popping when he jumped. He would jump straight up and then land straight down, stiff as a board but hot damn that pooch could jump. It was like he would jump just to look me in the eyes and say "hey munchkin, I am right here in front of you, play with me!" He was my best bud in the whole wide world. Well because we lived in a trailer court, he had to be on a chain, and tied to a post. He had a big area to run and that was good because that dog had more energy than the "Energizer Bunny". (Maybe that is what we should have called him!) Anyways, I was outside one sunny afternoon and he was all hoppy and popping in my face like usual. I began playing with him and wrestling with him in the dirt... my mom really didn't like that, I think that might be why I always did it... laughing to myself right now, seems like yesterday. Well I got up and started running and I could feel him nipping at my heels so I turned around and started running backwards. We were having a great time, before I knew what had happened, I was laying on the ground, holding my leg, screaming at the top of my lungs for mommy and daddy. Popper had caught up with me and before I had time to get out of the way of the post, I tripped over it backwards and sliced my outter thigh open about 3 or 4 inches. Well needless to say that was my first real injury as a kid and my first stitches, which I did not like very much.

The next memory I have is of my father. It is not a very nice memory, but then again, my father was not a very nice man. Don't get me wrong, for many, many years I wasted my energy hating him. He caused a lot of heartache for my mom and I growing up but I do regret hating him for as long as I did. I never really had a chance to tell him how much he hurt me over the years and how sorry I was for hanging on to those hurtful memories. If I had let them go many years back, maybe I would have had a chance to get to know my dad. With that being said the memory was of my dad, my mom, my brother, two of my sisters, and me. We were on our way to the Florida Keys. We used to go every summer when I was a child. I was sitting on the bench behind the drivers seat and dad was driving. He lit a cigarette and out of the blue I piped off, "I can't wait tell I am older like you dad so I can smoke, it's so cool". At that point in time we just so happened to be passing a rest stop, which my dad so rudely cut across the traffic and pulled into the stop. Everyone's eyes were huge as the van came to a hault. I scurried to the back of the van and tried to hide under some blankets. Mom was telling my dad just to let it go. Take a walk, relax and forget about what I had said. As mom was saying this, dad had gotten out of the van and I heard him walking to the back so I jumped up and ran to the front of the van. The back doors on the van opened up wide and dad said "little girl get your ass over here we are going to have a talk". On that note, my mom and siblings removed themselves from the van and went to use the bathroom and things. I got out of the van, walked to the back and looked him in the eyes and said "yes dad". I was so scared, I did not know what he was going to do. He took my hand, lead me over to the curb and sat down, looked me right in the eyes and said to me "You think it is cool that I smoke! You want to be like me and smoke? Well heres your chance!" He pulled out a pack of cigarettes that had NOT been opened, he packed them, opened them and gave me one. Okay my thought was this is just a joke. He handed me the lighter and told me to light it. Well hell I had no clue what to do. He said here like this, he showed me on one of his cigarettes from his pocket pack, not the one he just opened. So doing as I was told I did it. I coughed and gagged, my eyes welled up with tears and I replied "eewww this is gross, I don't want it." I threw it down. Dad picked it up and lit another one, handing it to me. He told me to smoke both, I started crying. I was getting really scared. I saw mom watching from the building, she knew this was one of those times that she should not interupt his lesson. I started smoking both at the same time, gagging, spitting, coughing, crying uncontrollably with tears running down my face... he proceeded to light another one and give it to me. I did the best that I could, not really knowing what else to do... then suddenly out of no where my brother came up and told him it was enough. I had learned my lesson. Dad snapped at him and instructed him to walk away now. My brother stood his ground, my dad stood up, then my sisters were there telling him the same thing. He told them all to step back and let me finish "smoking" my coolness. My brother slapped them out of my hand and yanked me up like a ragdoll, pushing me behind him. He insisted that I had had enough and that dad should leave it alone. My father was furious, stormed off to the van and demanded that we all get in, shut up and not say a peep. My mom got in the back of the van with all of us kids. I curled up like a baby and cried myself to sleep while he screamed at me to stop crying, mom yelling at him for being ridiculous and my brother running his fingers thru my hair, whispering in my ear "everything is gonna' be alright little sister, you close your eyes now, I will watch over you".

WOW... talk about repressed memories, I haven't thought about that in years because it stirred up such anger towards my dad when I would think about it. Funny thing is I did learn my lesson. I did not smoke until I was 18 or 19. Then one day I was given a choice between the person I loved or the cigarettes. I stopped smoking. Within the last 5 years I have smoked on and off. Recently it has been more, and more. And sitting here, rereading what I wrote, I am begining to honestly wonder why I smoke at all. It does nothing for me really. I have always been a person who could put them down, walk away and be just fine. So why do I smoke? Hmmm good question. Something that I will have to ponder upon at a later point in time.

So now as you can see my dad wasn't the nicest guy in the world. He had a temper, he was a very angry man, he was an alcoholic, he was mentally and physically abusive. All the things that I swore I would never be when I grew up. Unfortunately for me, I do drink. Honestly, IF I could just put it down and walk away from it, never thinking twice about it, I would. I hate how it changes me. I hate how I feel when the high of the alcohol goes away.

Okie Dokie, I am looking at this and thinking that this is enough for tonight. I need to rest, that is if my mind will let me when I lay down once again. I let you inside my head, inside my world, inside of who I really am, I let you see inside of my heart and this is just the begining. I will add more as time goes on. This has been good for me tonight, but it is time to wrap this one up for the time being.