SHIIZAH no I am NOT single's blog: "memories.... the good, the bad, the fugly."

The Flintstones Are Deadly

Vitamins have been an important consumer item for years.  Now they have vitemin pills and drinks for just abotu everything, so if need be, you could probably live without consuming anything except for these items.  They have even put it in people's heads that children need these vitamins in addition to thier daily food intake.  They have come out with alot of forms of vitamins for children to try to make them more apealing to consume.  A variety of flavors and shapes, making them look like popular cartoon charectors so the kids think they are eating candy.  Aaahhh yes candy, what child doesn't like candy right?  Did they ever notice how children are usually the ones opening the childproof items for the adults?  Did they ever think the natural psychological workinngs of a child when creating these vitamins?  Hello kids love candy!!  They try to sneak it in at every opportunity.  Kids for the most part have to show their parents how to unlock child proofed items.  It's only natural for children to think of these candy like vitamins as something that is a great find and try to sneak it in when no one is looking.

Back in the day my vitamin of choice were the wonderful Flintstones.  Who wouldn't want to take a bite out of Bam Bam hello?!  He was a hottie to the toddlers of America!  Shit now there's and adult Bam who is hotter then shit, but we will save that for another story. 

Every mornign my mother would let me pick one Flintstone to have with my breakfast.  It was teh shit!  My mom let me eat candy for breakfast wo0t!  I believe I was about three of four years of age when I decided I wanted more!  One day when she wasn't looking I took the bottle and easily opened it and then proceeded to shove as many in my mouth as possible.  She didn't notice the empty bottle or how extremely happy I was and we went on with our day.  I thought I had been oh so clever until I started getting sick and lethargic.  My mother couldn't figure out what was wrong with me, even when I said I ate too much candy. 

Shortly after me going unconsous she found the empty bottle and rushed me to the hospital.  That's right folks at three years of age I was already following in my uncle's footsteps and overdosing on pills and got my first experience with liquid charcoal and stomach pumping.  I'm not saying my mom was a bad mother or anything like that, she has always cared about me and done what she thought was best for me.  She thought she was doing something good for me by giving me vitamins.  Keep your child heathy right?  But why can't we keep our children healthy the old fashioned way?  Give them the right foods and exercise.  Why do we have to surcome to the media and think that because they came out with an easier way to stay healthy that it is better then the way it'd been done for centuries before?

DID YOU PEE ON ME??!!!

Ebony hadn't gotten  laid in a long time, well at least not decently.  She gives into desperation and hooks up with Midget Mack who's been eying her for sometime at the club.  She goes to his apartment, where his roomate sleeps in the laundry room and gets it on with Midget Mack who suprisinngly is a really good lay.  Somewhere in the midst of him hitting her g-spot in this super awkward, yet amazinng position and her screaming "Oi papi fuck me harder", she squirts!  Midget Mack stops mid-stroke, looks at her, and says "What the fuck?! Did you just pee on me?", and so starts the explaination to the 22 yr old man of what the "squirt" is.  Men aren't the only ones who can ejaculate.  If fucked properly it is possible for a woman to cum so intensly that her cum will not just be known by a super wet pussy, but will actually shoot from her pussy like water from a squirt gun, hence the term "squirt". 

You can't imagine how incredibly awkward and humiliating it is, not to mention a huge turn off to have someone ask you if you've just peed on them when you're in the middle of the most intense fucking orgasm you've had in a long, long time.  Men, pay attention to what I'm about to say...  TOTAL FUCKING DEAL BREAKER!!!!!  You will never have a taste of that incredible pussy again if you stop to ask if she's lost bladder control!

As long as we're on the subject of sexual deal breakers let us teach you men of all ages what not to do when getting or trying to get sexual relations from women shall we?  Women out there, you can try to say these things have never happened to you but really, it's ok you're not alone....  IT DOES HAPPEN!  But hopefully not for long.

Who put it in men's heads that it is sexy or appropriate to say I love you, right smack in the middle of sex?  I mean really, is that supposed to turn me on?  Make me cum?  Do you expect a loving response?  There are some instances where it could possibly be appropriate for the "I love you" whispers....  However, rough riding, hair pulling, shoulder biting sex is not one of those instances.  Slow, intimate, close-up love making could be appropriate if you're approaching climax or immediately there after.  But just to be safe, if you aren't sure if it will be a deal breaker or not, just save it for the after sex post-play.  Instead say something sexual in your whispers and moans.  Finish what you started with the "I love you".  For example: I love your pussy, or how you feel, or how you taste, or how you fuck me.  Dont be lazy and stop with just the word you.... Leave that for the tantra and Kauma Sutra type shit.  Naughty Schoolgirl, or Nurse Tit-arific doesn't want to be loved, she wants to be fucked, nuff said.

Same goes for love-making.  If you're having a slow, intimate moment and she lets out a soft moan, don't put your fucking hand over her mouth and tell her to shut up.  Seriously, it'll be the last time you have a moment, and will stop immediately.

More things that will be sure to end any future sexual relations with a woman, or hurt your libido.  Comparing us to a past woman in your life, even if it's to our benifit, while having sex is not a good thing.  Do not ask us how you compare to past men in our lives during sex.  Actually, you might not want to ask us period.  If you are better, we will let you know.  If you are enjoying yourself do not say "Wow, you really do get around, don't you" and think we will take it as a compliment.  A seemingly obvious one, yet happens frequently, for the love of God, do not utter some other woman's name from your lips once body contact has been achieved!

my book.....

Memories...  The Good, The Bad, and The Fugly
Random memories and realizations by:
Sarah G. Van Brocklin A.K.A. Ivory, and Friends


This book is for adults and has been rated X by me, Ivory, Because I use the terms; pussy, fuck, cock, squirt, and shart along with other vulgar descriptions of the body and bodily actions, as well as talk about things that have been known to traumatize children and young adults.

I've decided to write this book about all of the seemingly insignificant things that have happened in my life and my friends' lives that have ironically had a major impact on us.  This IS my therapy.  I hope that in this book by addressing these memories and awkward moments, I will be able to recognize patterns in life and hopefully be able to shed light into someone else's life if not just to entertain you with my dysfunction.  This book is in deed a book of randomness and chaos, but there is a method to my madness even if I haven't recognized it yet.  By the end you will either be able to relate to me and yourself in ways you weren't evenaware of, or think I am a total nutcase.  Either way my purpose will have been served, so sit back and enjoy the ride!

chapter one... Nursery Rhymes

I used to have these nightmares, but sometimes I'd be awake, or maybe I would sleepwalk I'm not sure, but I was really young.  I know this because it's when I lived in the house in Kenwood and we lived there from when I was 2-6... Anywho I'd have these experiences kinda like Goldie Locks and The Three Bears, but I was Goldie Locks?  I'd be in my crib and as I grew up my bed and the three bears would come and try to attack me.  My mom used to tell me that she never knew how at one and two years of age I was able to get out of my crib.  She said she even had to move the dressers and changing table away from my crib because she thought I was using them as tools to get out, but I still managed to get out.  These "dreams" I'd have, had the three bears coming to my room at night, getting me out of my crib and kinda giving me a head start I guess you would call it, before coming after me with their gnarly teeth and claws.  It was awful...

I sat on the phone tonight with a friend of mine, Ebony, talking about our wierd fears and where we thought they came from, and these "dreams" I had came into the conversation.  I hadn't thought about those since I was a kid and yet tonight while talking about closed shower curtains terrifying us it came back to me.  The wierdest thing came to me also during this conversation.  When I was a kid I just thought of them as terrifying bears coming after me but tonight I quickly referred to them as the three bears like from the nursery rhyme "Goldie Locks and The Three Bears" and then, just as easily as I came with that referal I realized I hate oatmeal and have never been able to eat it and I have to wonder if one has to do with the other?  Was I somehow traumatized by that nursery rhyme?  Had I developed some subconscious belief that if I ate oatmeal/porage the bears would come after me?  It's wierd how things that seem so harmles and insignificant can have such an impact on our lives.

Like a talking doll losing its batteries and giving off that creepy ass drained voice.  As a child it can be quite traumatizing.  Shit, it still creeps me out to this day.  But as adults and parents do we really think how scary and permanently scarring those things can be?  I didn't before our talk tonight.  There were quite a few times my kids' toys would start losing their batteries and the kids would freak out and I'd think it's because thier favorite toy was dying but thinking back its possible to them it really was dying as though it were a living thing.  Maybe that's why I hate dolls, especially the talking ones.   It's like I know they aren't really alive and don't have a mind of thier own and can't hurt me but damnit if I don't have the biggest anxiety attack whenever I get close to one, like it's going to start randomly talking to me and be possesed or something and try to kill me!!! And it might all go back to me having one as a child and the batteries dying and it getting all out of whack on me.