jerry's blog: "Lost Serenity"

 I am back to my matrix of white that will be turned to black after I complete this.Being out of the dating scene for so long I am finding that women have changed a lot.Not that I am looking at this point,cos I am not.I am still getting myself together from what I am dealing with now.Plus there is a big shy factor that I will have to overcome being that I have deeply fortified my heart now to fix the major damage done to it over the years.After being truly into this site for the past two months I have found most of the women to be disingenuous to say the least.I'm sorry I am old school.I was raised by my grandmother and she taught me honesty and respect for girls and women at a very young age.I miss her alot,especially now.We all have preferences and I understand that.I happen to be very attracted to women with long dark hair.When I was in high school way back when.I had a lot of girl friends.I had a big 1970 pontiac station wagon and could load it up full of girls and we would go out and party.They knew I wasn't a dog and trying to get into their clothes.So the trust factor was great.Plus the rumors going around were fun as well.So I felt I could gain some girl friends on this site being that I had to drop them all when I got married and I have.Just two and for right now that is fine.I really miss the conversations.I could talk to them about things I couldn't talk to the guys about. However yesterday and this morning I was doing what I always do.Which is to come to fubar and get click happy and I will click on the women I would like to become friends with.Two decided to initiate a chat session with me.Ok,I am game,just chatting right?After checking out their profile,and I read them all that I chose.The profiles didn't say anything about themselves so I asked one of them were they going to add anymore to her profile to tell more about herself?I said I was just trying to get more aquainted with her and that I liked her.Well, that was the wrong question.Why is everything sex and money oriented now.I am not like most guys nowadays looking for fresh meat to pounce on.It seems that everything between men and women is turning so animalistic.We are better than that.Now it seems instead of being honest and respectful,the younger women on here seem to want you to lie and talk dirty at them.Sorry that's not my style.So for the women that may read this please understand that if we get to know each other I am not looking to hook up with you.You may be physically attractive but I want to see how attractive your heart and mind are.Because the physical dies in time,however the heart and spirit is time continual.

I find it amazing how everything hangs in the balance,one way or the other.Its been three weeks ago today since I made the decision to save myself from a relationship that had me in a slow bleed mode to the point to where it started effecting my whole being.It seems that LOVE in the beginning were cupids arrows.Full of life and fun and the exspectations that come with the arrows.Now it feels like bullets.You are ducking and hiding to keep from being hit from the pain of what it turned out to be.I used to be the life of the party.Now I don't even want to go.This may seem stange to whoever reads this but as I said before this is my therapy until I can bring myself to center again.And I will in time.For time is the weapon of choice for everything if you think about it.I have always hated being here,even from early childhood.In this world I mean.It feels like a prison to me.Not that I feel I am better than anyone else.I have just never liked this system.Its never really worked for me.Maybe I have missed managed myself being too nice,caring and loyal.Trying to stay on the positive side of the energy I guess you could say.I believe in reincarnation so when I make this next statement maybe you will know where I am coming from.Although my spirit hates this place my soul wanted to come back and my heart followed.While in the process of being I have been seaching myself as to why.I am a good person who always in some strange way ends up being taken advantage of in one way or another to the point to where I have been truly affected as to what's the use now.Yet I must keep going for my spirit is very strong.If it can't pick up the slack here and becomes as weak as my heart right now I will stay lost here.I had a chart done on me several years ago and what was in it baffled the people that did it.They had been doing charts for over twenty-five years and have never seen one like mine before.I think I know what the problem is now and its going to be challenging to fix.if it can be.I have the most balanced chart they have ever seen and it was then that I started taking true notice of my life.And over the past few weeks it has become abundantly clear that,that is where the problem is and has been all my life.The question now is how do I fix it?How do I become balanced in a system I don't feel like I fit into?Is this what I am supposed to learn this time???

Hi my blank space of white.Its been a few days.Right now you are my closest friend.Here I can get it out.I don't have to listen to anyone but myself.Yesterday was my first counselling session with my soon to be x.I really didn't like it too much .Not that I'm to good to be counseled.Its just that the pain that filled the room was very intense.I heard a radio talk show host say once that the way a relationship starts is the way it ends and while I was sitting there in the church building we got married in the thought rang true.Why do people hurt each other out of love?That is my thought of the day.As I am here sitting at this pc writing some of my thoughts out I am wondering if I will heal to the point to want to try again with someone new at a later time.One thing I do know is that when you are damaged,emotionally physically and mentally you feel cornered.At least that's the way I feel right now.I am really kind of withdrawn now.I throw in a fake laugh here and there just to keep people off of me because I work alot with the public.Still doing that faking happy shit.I hate it!!! I do have a couple of great friends who are really my friends who have pulled along side to encourage me but they don't always know whats in my mind.I have tuned the other cheek so many times that the bone is showing now.So now I will begin to fight for myself because I finally realized at 48 years of age that no one else is going to do it for me.Now I have to make sure I don't fight too much in the wrong direction.I am so out of balance now.I guess its one day at a time,time.

Its Sunday.I am in my new home.Its been two weeks now.Still haven't settled in yet.Still have my clothes in my car and it is starting to put off fumes.I also need to go to the dump!(lol).When you are alone everything comes to visit you in the mind.Old friends,past events.....past regrets.....the could of would of should of.Now I am dealing with the fact that people who are close to me are trying to get into my mind to see where I am at.So I have fortified my newly made walls to keep them out.They will be torn down one day by the one who knows what tools to use.But for now there is nothing that can get in for I am protecting what is behind them for it is full of beauty and depth.I got to see my boys yesterday for the first time in two weeks and even though we had fun I can see there pain and concern.I am just hoping now that they will one day come to the conclusion that what I did I did for myself and them also.Whenever you hide from your true self you get lost.Now thru the quietness of it all I am finding my way again.Just more reluctant to trust now.I hope i can overcome that.If anything about writing these things it allows me to get it out.Maybe someone else will read these and get something from them.For one day they will stop.I am finding that at the end of the day,if you don't believe in yourself you won't make it at anything.

Today has been one of those days.A day of reflection frustration and bitterness.Its been a week and a half since I left.A life for everybody else while no one noticed the real me.Faking happy all the time almost costed me my spirit and soul. Now I am all alone.Thinking, pondering and wondering if I have enough to make one more push in this life to obtain a fulfillment of life I have always desired.I guess being alone is how we recharge.Maybe I will stay that way for a while for I feel so weak inside myself now.I feel like giving up but I can't.I am not going to give the powers that be the satisfaction.For I am not a coward.I have always hated it here,every since I was able to comprehend things.I have always felt I am better than this place and look at it as my prison.Maybe thats why I struggle with myself so much here.For now Fubar has become my matrix.I find peace here......for now.Although no one talks to me.even though I try to talk to them.It seems that everybody is hung up on how popular they can be with their witty statements and profile pages.As for me what you see is what you get and what you read from me is me.I keep it real.I have a few people that I really like on here but they are to busy being stuck on themselves.Except one.Although she says nothing,she buys me a drink everyday.I find solice in that.I like this blog section.I found it the other day.Here I can get it out and I really don't give a shit if anybody reads it or not.Just as long as I feel better after I am done.See....I feel better already!

My life has change so much over the past week.I never thought my life would take this direction.When your young you feel the world is at your feet.There is nothing you can't do.You have a since of direction but you really don't know what the hell you are doing so environment and your belief system sets the pace.So you set out in life doing what everybody see as the norm.Get a good job,get married,get the house,have a few kids.The american dream,right?Well,so I thought anyway.I heard someone say a few weeks ago the way a relationship starts is the way it ends.How true I am finding these words now.I walked out of a almost twenty-four year marriage last week.Tonite the words finally came to a fever pitch as the blames and I'm sorry's come into play as while in my mind and heart I gave it everything I had and then some.Change is a force that most people misunderstand.You can either flow with it to a desired effect or be still to the point to where it runs you over.I have also found that complacency breeds failure.I am forty-eight now and what I thought would be is not.I am flowing now with the changes that my heart is in need of although I know it is not going to be easy.I am finally at the point of pursuing my happiness.Will I overcome?I have to.Will I love again?I need to for I am empty now and burned out.So I end this with these question.Where do I start?Will I find that serenity I thought I once had?My new journey has started.Where it will take me???I'll find out when I get there.