Pyretta SeXy BeAsT Blaze's blog: "Loneliness"

Suspicious Minds, by Elvis Presley We're caught in a trap I can't walk out Because I love you too much baby Why can't you see What you're doing to me When you don't believe a word I say? We can't go on together With suspicious minds And we can't build our dreams On suspicious minds So, if an old friend I know Drops by to say hello Would I still see suspicion in your eyes? Here we go again Asking where I've been You can't see these tears are real I'm crying We can't go on together With suspicious minds And we can't build our dreams On suspicious minds Oh let our love survive Or dry the tears from your eyes Let's don't let a good thing die When honey, you know I've never lied to you Mmm yeah, yeah

This poem is for someone special to me. When I think about you, my heart flutters. How can this love grow when things are the way they are? Keep me close to your heart, and tell me you love me. Now that we are here, will we be truely happy? I am so in love with you it makes my heart beat. I was so dead to myself til I met you. You give me a reason to live. I live for every second of everyday for you!

This is a poem I wrote a few nights ago about how the man that is my husband, makes me feel most of the time. Everywhere I turn there is a shadow that falls over my head. I can't see where I am going and it's scaring me to death. Hold me close and keep me safe Tell me everything is okay. Something in me is screaming screaming to get out. I don't know what it is, or where it came from. It washed over me like a tide wave. Crushing my chest, making it hard to breathe. Take this pain away from me. Pain in my heart, is worse than any other pain I could ever feel. Though pain is what i feel when you are around. You say you love me, but you always leave me. You leave me alone and cold Wondering when you will be back. I feel I have lost you, and if I have then you have lost me too. You can't make me happy anymore, So I think I should go. Go in search of somthing better, something new and exciting. To make myself happy!

Tomorrow, april the 27th is my 3 year wedding anniversary. And the spouse has to work, which is fine but he didn't even bother to save alittle money to even take me out or anything for this occasion. I am seriously starting to think that he doesn't care about me. And tonight we have a baby free night and I'm pretty damn sure he's gonna wanna just sit at the computer and play world of warcraft instead of spending time with me, like a normal married couple would do when it's close to their anniversary. Am I wrong for wanting to go out and have a nice dinner for my anniversary? Or should I just shut up and be happy with the same old boring spaghetti he makes every fucking year? He said he was gonna get some real wine and make the most amazing spaghetti this year but he spent all of his spare money on bullshit as usual. Okay maybe I should stop now before I upset myself yet again.

I have been doing alot of thinking as of late. And I have realized my biggest fear ever. I am no longer IN love with my husband. Not to get confused with I don't love him at all. I will always love him because he was my first love and he and I have a beautiful daughter together. But I am no longer IN love with him. He has changed so much over the last three years. I feel he and I have grown apart. He has become more involved with his band and spends less and less time with me and Gracie. He made me so happy in the beginning, but now all I feel is sadness even when we are together I don't enjoy his company. Do any of you think I am bad for this? hell when we got married he had just turned 18 and I was getting ready to turn 19. And here I am going on 22 years old and I am afraid to be alone. I was never afraid to be alone before. I was actually afraid of commitment and attachment. And now I am afraid to be alone. The main reason I have stayed with him after he has told me repeatedly that he isn't going to change and I could either live with it or leave, is because of Gracie. I am afraid to take Gracie away from the only grandparents she will ever know. My father died when I was 15 and my mom when I was 18, so I had been alone for quite some time before he came along. That and I was sick and tired of always ending up in physically and emotionally abusive relationships. And the more this relationship goes on, it's becoming more and more emotionally abusive to me, because I haven't been happy in so long. And everyone deserves to be happy, right? I was wanting this to work out but I feel there is no hope of that happening, because he hasn't made any REAL attempt to change his ways. I just haven't found the right way of telling him how I feel without him getting really upset or mad. I suppose I've gone on long enough again. I would really appreciate any feedback that any of you may have.

Well, I see it's been awhile since I posted my last blog, so I figured I'd get on here and rant abit about numerous things that bother me. Though you find me ranting too much about politics because it's all just a scam. I won't rant about religion because it raises too many questions and pisses people off too quickly. I guess there's really not much more to rant about, but anyways. Yeah. Have you ever gotten so bored that you would rather stick a red hot poker through your eyes than anything else, because you've seen everything and your tired of looking at the same things over and over again? Well, I get that bored on a daily basis. It gets really old too, I've watched the same dvds over and over again and I've watched the same music videos on youtube over and over again. There is nothing new to do anymore. Why is the internet so assessable but yet there seems to be nothing to do on there anymore? I will never understand that. I have many sites that I go on but every time I'm there, like myspace, there is hardly ever anything to REALLY do. But then again I do spend more time on Yahoo than anything, and yet again, hardly anyone to talk to. I guess I'm just not talking to the right people I guess. If anyone has any suggestions about what I could do to better use my time, then please give me some input. Because right now my life consists of taking care of my daughter, watching movies, playing on the computer and sleeping. Well, I guess that's enough for now. I know it wasn't much but just felt like ranting about some such nonsense. Until Next time, XOXO

So many things have been going on in my life as of late. I can't seem to shake this feeling of loneliness from my shoulders. I have no friends to really speak about. I have the wonderful friends from here on CT, but no one I can really call up or hang out with. My husband had many friends that he goes out and hangs out with. He is more involved with his band than he is with me and out daughter. Am I wrong for being upset at this fact? I can't help but think that sometimes he would rather be single and be able to do as he pleases, because that happens to be what he is already doing. I keep wondering to myself if I should be worried about all the female friends he has. He has more phone calls on his cell phone from girls than I have ever seen. And should I be worried when he gets up and leaves the room when he is talking to them on the phone? I do trust him but my mind keeps telling my heart that I should worry. But should I really worry about it? We will be married 3 years on the 27th of this month, and I can't help but wonder if we got married too soon and too young. Well, I think I have gone on abit too long with my worries and fears. I hope to hear some pearls of wisdom from some.